


Stranger Than Fiction

by daxcat79



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Ben Hates Romance, Eventual Smut, F/M, Finn Has Money On It Though, Fluff, Grumpy Ben, Happy Rey, Is Poe Gay?, M/M, NO ONE KNOWS, Opposites Attract, Oral Sex, Rey Get's To Be Ben's Muse, Rey Loves Romance, Romance, Slow Burn, Snarky Banter, they fight a lot though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2018-11-21 15:43:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 127,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11360517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daxcat79/pseuds/daxcat79
Summary: “I am trying to create an intricate storyline about a complex, deeply disturbed anti-hero struggling to make up for killing his own father and you’re telling me they won’t publish my manuscript because Kylo Ren doesn’t have a fucking girlfriend?!”Hux quirked a single eyebrow, sipping his tea just slowly enough to be a certified dick, and finally explained himself.  “Look Ben, this company has been publishing your books for years now, and it’s been a wonderful partnership.  There’s no denying that.  However… this series is getting stale!  You’re ignoring an entire demographic of people who enjoy a little romance in a story!  We’ve had producers calling with interest on making your books into movies, but let’s face it… sex sells!  Frankly, it’s no wonder Kylo Ren has anger issues considering the dry spell he’s enduring.”“What the hell do I know about romance, Hux?!  You’re asking me to re-write an entire manuscript!”Armitage Hux only shrugged in response, leaning back in his black, leather chair.  It was the perfect body language for ‘that’s not my problem, asshole.’  “You’re a writer, Ben.  Do some research.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this story was burning me alive, and frankly it's nice to write this because my other story is really heavy and emotional and I wanted something a bit more fun. I hope you guys enjoy, and if you seriously want more please send me some kudos and comments.

“I am trying to create an intricate storyline about a complex, deeply disturbed anti-hero struggling to make up for killing his own father and you’re telling me they won’t publish my manuscript because Kylo Ren doesn’t have a fucking girlfriend?!”

Hux quirked a single eyebrow, sipping his tea just slowly enough to be a certified dick, and finally explained himself. “Look Ben, this company has been publishing your books for years now, and it’s been a wonderful partnership. There’s no denying that. However… this series is getting stale! You’re ignoring an entire demographic of people who enjoy a little romance in a story! We’ve had producers calling with interest on making your books into movies, but let’s face it… sex sells! Frankly, it’s no wonder Kylo Ren has anger issues considering the dry spell he’s enduring.”

“What the hell do I know about romance, Hux?! You’re asking me to re-write an entire manuscript!”

Armitage Hux only shrugged in response, leaning back in his black, leather chair. It was the perfect body language for ‘that’s not my problem, asshole.’ “You’re a writer, Ben. Do some research.”

_Do some research._ Ben’s hands tightened into fists, jaw clenched, his muscles so tight he was sure something would snap from the strain. “Fuck you, Hux,” he growled, turning around and marching out of the man’s office. Amitage was hot on his heels.

“Ben! BEN!” Ben swung back around as Hux gripped his jacket, and the hands immediately went up defensively. The ginger haired editor took a step back, his accent seemed thicker when he finally spoke. “As your friend, Ben… I think this might be good for you,” he reasoned, his words hushed now that they were outside his office. “You’ve only just moved to London, and this city is full of girls who would love to date a tall, American with eyes like yours. You take your writing so seriously. I worry.”

“What are you? My mother?” Ben rolled his eyes. He’d heard it all before. People were always so sure they knew what Ben needed out of life. They encouraged him to take his laptop to coffee shops instead of writing at home, but he fucking hated the noise and he could never concentrate. His mother wouldn’t stop calling to check on him. She hadn’t been very pleased with his plan to move away from New York, but he just wanted to disappear in this new city. He couldn’t do that back home now that everyone knew who Ben Solo was. He didn’t consider himself famous, but he hadn’t gotten stopped once for an autograph since moving to England. That was more than enough incentive to stay forever. “This isn’t what I envisioned for Kylo Ren, Hux. He’s damaged. He’s a disaster. He shouldn’t even **be** in a relationship.”

“It’s just a love interest, Ben. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just find the right girl and see what happens."

This was a terrible idea. He wasn’t a fucking romance novelist. He hadn’t been in a relationship since he was in college, and it hadn’t lasted very long. He didn’t frequent bars or clubs. He didn’t really know what to say to women half the time. Hell, he barely knew what to say to people in general. “Easier said than done, Hux,” he grumbled. “You got a smoke?”

Armitage frowned. “You don’t smoke. You quit.”

“It’s either a smoke or I go back into your office and turn your desk on it’s side,” he warned. He was so beyond pissed, and short tempers ran strong in his family. 

Hux immediately opened his suit jacket and grabbed his pack from the inside pocket, depositing it in Ben’s waiting hand. “The roof, you have to go to the roof if you want to smoke in here.”

“Yeah, yeah… see ya soon, Hux.” He waved off the brit and immediately headed for the stairs. The building was fairly new with spacious elevators, but they were already on the top floor, so it wasn’t going to kill him to go up a flight. Ben’s steps echoed through the empty stairway made of concrete and metal. He took each step two at a time and when he finally reached the roof he made sure to wedge the door so he wouldn’t get locked out. 

The view from the roof was perfection. All of London, for his eyes to admire, and he could already feel his mood improving. The River Thames was especially busy with tourists, as boats floated along and spouted facts and history that no one ever bothered to pay attention to. The London Eye was moving at a snail’s pace, giving people a good view of the city, but _fuck_ if it wasn’t a trap to pay so much money for a half an hour of standing around staring at buildings. He wasn’t sure what it was about this city that fascinated him. New York, Paris, London… hot spots for anyone with the money, and certainly unique in their own way, but it had always been this city for Ben. He felt like a new man here.

**SLAM!**

“Shit!”

Ben stilled, eyes widening as realization dawned on him that the last big gust of wind had shut his only exit off the roof. When he turned around there was a woman standing at the door tugging at it desperately. “What the fuck did you do?!”

She jumped, startled for a moment, and he guessed she hadn’t noticed that there was another person here. She was slim, although her ass certainly made up for the tiny frame. Her chest wasn’t all that impressive, but she had beautiful chestnut hair that came down to her shoulder in waves more than curls. He was too far away to see her eye color, but he guessed hazel… maybe green. She was dressed in bright blue jeans that looked worn down, or perhaps designed that way on purpose. Her shirt was tan, with a thick cardigan featuring little cartoon ducks in a lined pattern. “I… I just came up here and I tripped on the wooden block!” Her eyes widened as she continued to pull despite the reality that her actions were never going to unlock a door. “I am SO sorry!”

This was exactly why Ben didn’t like to interact with people. They did things like get him locked on a fucking roof. He dropped Hux’s pack of cigarettes on the cement barrier he’d been leaning on and pulled out his phone. It took him a minute to remember he hadn’t charged it last night. It was dead. Fuck. “Hey, my phone is dead. Maybe you could call someone to get us out of here?” he offered, trying very hard to keep the irritation out of his voice.

Her face immediately scrunched up, looking even more panicked. “I… I don’t have a phone.”

“You don’t have a phone?” he questioned, voice going low as he stared in disbelief. The anger he’d just managed to get control of began to rise at alarming speeds. “Who the hell lives in today’s world without a fucking cell phone?”

“I… I did have a mobile,” she responded, defensively. “It uh… just recently… caught on fire.”

This woman was obviously sent to push him over the edge. He was going to jump any minute. “You… your phone caught on fire?! What the hell did you have?! A samsung?!”

The young woman, now looking extremely annoyed with his attitude, folded her arms and glared at him. “If you must know, it happened while I was working! I’m a sculptor. I work with metal and a blowtorch and sometimes accidents happen!”

Ben almost laughed at that, because of course accidents happened, but blowtorching a phone was never one of them. “Well, congratulations. Now we’re stuck up here without any way to letting someone know we’ve been locked out! This is un-fucking-believable!” he bellowed. His hands flew in the air and he shook his head in disbelief. This kind of shit only happened to him. The universe hated him and was trying very hard to piss him off until he snapped. 

Worse yet, he was now stuck on a roof with some dim-witted woman who didn’t know how to walk through a door without tripping over a small block of wood. He wondered if anyone would judge him for throwing her off. At least that would draw people’s attention. No, that was dark. That was something Kylo Ren would do. Not Ben Solo. Still, he was definitely tempted. Even if Hux did eventually start to wonder what had happened to Ben, the ginger haired asshole was hardly the sort to take the time and check himself. He’d probably try to send Ben a text. He’d give up with Ben didn’t respond, assuming he was still pissed over having to re-write a finished manuscript.

“I really am sorry… you don’t have to be such an arse about it,” she muttered from the door, falling against it. Ben could almost feel her glaring holes into the back of his head.

He dropped his arms to the cement barrier and stared back out at the city skyline. “Yeah well, enjoy sweetheart, cause who the hell knows when they’ll figure out we’re stuck out here. We may be here awhile, and I don’t plan on getting any nicer.” Fuck the world. Fuck First Order Publishing. And fuck this chick that had locked them out. Ben was having the worst day ever, and there was no way in hell he was planning to apologize.

*******

“Are we really going to sit here in silence this whole time?” Ben closed his eyes and began to count to ten. She was sitting just a few feet away with her back to the cement barrier, leg’s folded as she played with a thread from her cardigan. **One.** “It’s just… we’ve been sitting here for nearly an hour now.” **Two.** “I don’t even know your name.” **Three.** “My name is Rey, by the way. Rey Jakobi.” **Four.** “You know this is usually the part where you speak.”

“Fucking hell, if you don’t let me get to ten!” he snapped, making her jump again. Ben blinked, immediately regretting his outburst, and ran a hand through his hair. He had to take several breaths before he was able to speak in a semi-civil tone. “Sorry… I uh… it’s just been one hell of a day.”

The girl nodded, slightly nervous again, if her wide eyes were any indication. What had she said her name was? “Yes, I can see that.”

Rey. That was her name. She looked young. He was better than this. Snapping at strangers. It didn’t matter what kind of day he’d had. She’d screwed up, but no one was stupid enough to lock themselves on a roof on purpose… especially without a cell phone. “I’m Ben, Ben Solo.”

“The writer?” she questioned.

Ben stiffed. He was sitting on the ground of the dirty rooftop not too far from her. He’d probably just burn these pants when he finally escaped this hell. His legs were crossed at the ankle, and he was wasting time by tearing apart cigarettes, and rolling the filter in his hand as if this was a science experiment. He’d forgotten a lighter when he came up here, like an idiot. The London weather was as dismal as usual, and he was trying very hard to keep the wind from blowing his hair into his face. It would probably start raining any minute. That would just be the crap dressing for his already wonderful crap salad of a day. “You a fan?” he asked.

Rey laughed. “Me? No, never read the series. My best friend, Finn… he loves them. He’s absolutely mad about the main character… Kyle or something.”

“Kylo… Kylo Ren, is the character’s name,” he corrected with a slight growl. He wasn’t quite sure why it bothered him that she hadn’t read his work. What should he care? He didn’t even like her. “If your friend likes it so much, why haven’t you read them?” he questioned anyway.

She immediately shrugged. “Well, I mean I tried, for Finn’s sake. I just… I don’t know, it just feels a little too raw to me. The character is so brutish and angry all the time. It’s depressing! He’s always alone! So he does this terrible thing, and now he’s spending his life trying to make up for killing his own father, but where’s the humanity? He went from killing a good man to killing bad men, and there’s no one around to remind him of what life’s about.” Her eyes grew impossibly wide as she realized who she’d been talking to and immediately shook her head. “Oh god, I’m so sorry! I’m not trying to bash your books or anything! Finn absolutely loves all that drama and emotional distress. I just… I suppose I’m just not that complicated. Love a good romance!”

He crushed the filter in his hand immediately, wondering if maybe he should count to ten again. “Well, you’re in luck… the next book, Kylo get’s a love interest.”

Rey’s eyebrows rose with interest. “Really? What’s she like? She must be quite amazing to deal with the likes of _him_!”

And that was the problem. He had no idea what she would be like. The only woman he’d ever regularly interacted with was his mother, and the few failed girlfriends he’d somehow managed to talk into dating him. It wasn’t that Ben didn’t know how to write a female character. He’d done well enough, and rarely heard a complaint from critics on the matter. Still, romance was a different beast. It would significantly change Kylo Ren’s character development, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that, how to handle that kind of change. The relationship would feel forced and unrealistic. He didn’t become a writer to promote trash. He did it to tell a story.

“I haven’t figured that part out yet,” he admitted.

“Well, maybe I could help?” she offered. Ben frowned, surprised by this turn of events. They were stuck here. Why the hell not? She was obviously a member of this elusive demographic he was supposed to attract. Why not pick her brain and maybe he could avoid this book becoming a total disaster? The question was, how could she help him? He wasn’t even sure where to start yet. “What’s the story about?”

Ben licked his lips and straightened his back. “In the last book Kylo was in a pretty bad place. He’s trying to recover from a trauma, and this evil creature named Snoke is trying to take over the city of Jakku. Kylo’s the only one who can stop him, but he’s not sure he has the strength to face Snoke.”

Rey turned her body to face Ben, leaning forward on her lap. “So where does the romance come in?”

“Well, that’s the problem. I have no idea. This manuscript was supposed to be about an anti-hero finding himself, not finding romance.”

“Why can’t he do both?”

Ben shook his head. “What?”

Rey was chewing on her lip, eyes lighting up with interest. They were much closer now, and he could definitely confirm they were hazel eyes… and actually rather beautiful. “Sometimes we discover quite a lot through loving someone else. How to be unselfish, for example. If you truly love someone, you put them ahead of yourself. Suddenly their needs are top priority, because they mean more to you than anything else ever could. Being in love is like giving up yourself. Your own problems, your goals, everything is shared.”

His lips curled into a faint smile. “What are you? A love guru?” he questioned.

Rey laughed, sounding slightly breathless. “Afraid not… I’ve never been very lucky in love. I just don’t see the point in settling for anything less than fireworks, you know? I want passion. I want a challenge. Someone who doesn’t back down from a fight, whether it’s fighting with me or for me.”

He was certain of it now. He’d never met anyone like Rey. Her words were said with such fortitude and emotion. She wasn’t afraid to speak the truth, even if he was judging her for half of it. “Wow… you’re definitely gonna die alone.” Fuck, he really hadn’t meant to say that out loud.

Rey’s eyes narrowed. “Excuse me?!”

“No, it’s just that… you… you’re too honest. Men are dicks. You remind me of one of those romantic freaks that dream about Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice like that shit is even remotely real. You live in a fantasy world.”

“Says the man that makes his living writing fantasy,” Rey bit back.

Ben smiled. “At least I can tell the difference.”

“And you assume I can’t?”

“Look, I appreciate passion, but the way you sound… it’s idealistic. This is exactly why the fucking divorce rate is so high. Human beings are selfish creatures that only give a shit when they need to. You could have the greatest love story ever told to start with, but eventually he’s gonna be too busy at work, or you’ll flirt with some freak who splashes paint on a canvas and calls it art. You’ll drift apart and want different things, and no one has the time or energy to actually stick around and work things out. They just tell you it’s over and walk away.”

Rey’s eyes softened for a moment, and Ben was pretty sure he preferred it when she was angry. “Is that what happened to you?”

He shrugged. “Never bothered long enough to get to that part.”

“No wonder you don’t know what to do with Kylo,” Rey sighed. “You’ve been jaded.”

It wasn’t the first time someone had told him that, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. He was sitting on a fucking roof with a stranger who was analyzing his character as if she knew him, and it should make him feel uncomfortable, but it didn’t. He found her world fascinating. It was so different from his own. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Her mind was unique and stocked full of opinions. “Is that how you see me?”

“Well, whatever happened to you… you’ve lost faith in love. Let me guess, parents divorced?”

Ouch. She was clever too. “Not divorced. Separated.”

“And when you were little they had this amazingly loving relationship, but life got in the way?” she continued.

Ben rolled his eyes. “They made each other happy, but he’s an airline pilot and he can’t stay on the same continent long enough to actually be with her. My mother’s in politics, and everything’s always about how the world looks at her. Deep down I don’t think she gives a fuck what people believe, but she’ll never ask for a divorce because it would reflect badly on her… and he loves her too much to screw that up.” 

It was pathetic, and Ben could barely stand being in the same room with either one of them. Nothing mattered but their work, and yet they were supposed to be what love was? Ben didn’t bother with romance because he wasn’t a hypocrite. He wasn’t going to tell some woman that she mattered to him more than his writing. He knew where his priorities lied, and it would be selfish to let anyone think otherwise.

Rey’s mouth was smiling, but her eyes shined as if they were filling up with tears. “You never know… maybe one day they’ll realize what they’ve been missing.”

Ben scoffed at that. They’d missed so much more than just a good marriage. They’d missed their son’s life too. “You’re living in a dream world, Rey. What you say works great on paper, but it doesn’t really line up with reality.”

They’d been stuck on the roof for nearly an hour and a half now. He was cold, tired, and extremely restless. This was probably the longest conversation he’d ever had with another person, and she was nothing more than a stranger to him. He barely knew a thing about her. It felt like she’d read his mind, snuck inside and just kept probing. He couldn’t resist his own desire to open her up and see inside her head. He was certain it was a psychologist’s wonderland. “What about you? I assume you had normal, happy parents that danced together in kitchens, and never fought once in all your life.”

Now it was Rey’s turn to scoff. “That would have been rather lovely, but no. My parents died when I was five, and I don’t really remember much about them. I lived with an uncle after that, and got the hell out the moment I was old enough.”

That surprised him. How could someone with such a fucked up beginning have such a positive view on life? “And yet, you aren’t jaded,” he pointed out, his eyes narrowing, throwing her words back at her. His mind was reeling. This woman felt mysterious and quirky. He found her easy to talk to, and this was coming from a man who couldn’t even handle a full sentence around his own father. He was compelled to know more about her.

Rey shrugged, wrapping the thread of her cardigan around her pointer finger. She didn’t seem to like keeping her hands still. She was always pulling or tugging on something. Always desperate for something to do. “I’m just happy, that’s all. Some people look at the world and they see what it is. I look at the world and see what it could be.”

Ben wasn’t sure when it happened, but he’d turned to face her during their conversation, and he was leaning way too close. His eyes studied her. The way she’d chew on her lips, fiddle with something in her hands, wrinkle her nose when she laughed. She was an emotional creature, and sensitive to the problems of others. She studied people too, and was surprisingly good at it. She’d certainly pegged him quickly enough. Rey seemed carefree, but there was definitely something under the surface. She seemed so eager to connect with him. No relationship. She was lonely. She had no family, and maybe that was why she clung to her silly ideals about romance. She was dazzling to look at, but it was obvious she didn’t make much effort. Lonely and in want of a relationship, but not enough to pull out the big guns and attempt to attract attention to herself. Her face was plain, with very little make up.

In his mind’s eye Ben saw her standing with a staff in her hand. She was a survivor and a fighter, but also forgiving and soft. She’d never give up on a person like Kylo Ren because she saw his potential. She wanted him to be better. She wanted him to rise above his trauma and that meant sticking by his side and helping him through it. She saw broken things and she wanted to fix them. Kylo was the most broken thing she’d ever known. “Kira.”

“What?” Rey questioned, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. 

“The name of Kylo Ren’s love interest,” Ben clarified. “I’m naming her Kira Rey.”

**To Be Continued**


	2. Chapter 2

She was staring. He didn’t really like the staring. His eyes shifted from side to side, avoiding eye contact, and clearing his throat. “What?”

“You’ve spent this entire time mocking my views on love and my personal life choices, and now you’re naming a character after me?” she questioned, head tilted forward in disbelief.

Oh that. She certainly had a point, but Ben Solo was a writer, and when something felt right he couldn’t ignore it. Rey (Kira) was exactly the kind of woman Kylo Ren would need in his life. She would keep him balanced, pull him out from the depths of despair due to the traumas and abuse he’d endured under Snoke. If he was going to be forced to inflict this abomination of a relationship on his main character, well… he couldn’t settle on anything less than Kylo Ren’s perfect match. Of course, none of that was spoken out loud to the woman still staring at him for an uncomfortably long time. Instead, his reply was a lot less eloquent. “What? You think a _sane_ woman would ever be stupid enough to fall for a disaster like Kylo Ren?”

Rey rolled her eyes with a huff, sufficiently displeased with him again. “Are you always this insufferable?”

Ben could only shrug. “Are you always this easy to offend?”

“No, but you seem _really_ skilled in the practice. It’s a wonder you have any friends at all,” she muttered, finally looking down at her hands as they buried themselves in her cardigan. It was starting to get a little colder, and what was the point of summer in London if the temperature couldn’t even remain stable? Ben didn’t mind the cold, but he watched Rey shiver and human decency won out.

“I don’t,” he assured her. “Have friends, I mean.” He let his suit jacket slip away from behind him and handed it to her with the grace and chivalry of a caveman. He might as well have grunted as the jacket hung between them and he made his intentions clear. “You’re cold.”

“Don’t you need it?” she questioned, chewing on her lip again. Her nose was scrunching up, and he could almost envision a little freckled girl kicking shyly at the floor with that same exact expression. Whoever raised her must have had a heart of ice to drive Rey away.

“I’m not as cold as you seem to be. Just take the damn thing… before I change my mind.”

Her eyes brightened as she took the black suit jacket from his hand, their fingers brushed as they made the transfer. His skin tingled where they’d touched, and he used those fingers to brush away remnants of his cigarette off the other hand, as if it could somehow make the sensation go away. His palms smelled now, and he wished he’d remembered his small bottle of hand sanitizer. He found her smile both endearing and sickeningly sweet. There was an innocence about her that conflicted with the vague backstory she’d provided him moments ago. A sad and lonely child without parents, forced to live with someone she’d run away from, eager to endure the harshness of adulthood rather than live under her uncle’s roof a moment longer.

Ben wasn’t interested in people. He didn’t care about their stories. They usually weren’t too overly complicated anyway. Life was fucked up, and people handled their damage as best they could. Some had it worse than others, handled things worse than others. He liked to think of his own writing as therapy. Every chapter was a session to cleanse his soul, and when he’d pull his mind away from that darkened world, he felt just a tiny bit lighter. He’d made sense of something. That was all that anyone could ask for. Rey seemed determined to kill every bit of her damage with a smile and bright eyes. Her positivity glowed, it blinded him, and he found it both puzzling and irritating. He was intrigued. Who the hell was this strange girl?

Rey tucked a stray curl behind her ear, glancing up at him through her lashes. “You’re staring.”

He blinked, realizing that she’d put on his jacket, and was savoring it’s warmth. She looked so fucking tiny buried inside it. “I’m thinking,” he clarified with a glare. “I’m staring past you, not at you.” It was a lie, but he didn’t want her jumping to the wrong conclusions about him. This was purely professional interest. He wanted to study her like a lab rat, not fuck her brains out. He wanted her secrets, not her attention.

“Oh,” she puff out with a frown. “And what exactly were you thinking about?”

Ben said the first thing that came to his mind and instantly regretted it. “How much money it would take for you to accept me shadowing you.”

Rey’s eyes widened for a second. “You want to _pay_ me to be my stalker?”

He almost laughed at the way she’d phrased that, finding her more amusing by the second. “Not quite how I would put it. Look, I’m naming the fucking character after you for a reason. I think you might inspire a few more gems that will make writing this new manuscript a little less unbearable.”

That seemed to spark her interest. “You want me to be your muse?”

Ugh, even the word made his stomach protest violently. “Don’t ever call yourself that in my presence.” 

Rey’s laughter sounded like honey. Ben wasn’t sure how that was possible, but there it was. If honey had a sound, it would be her laugh. It was smooth and sultry, more golden than silence, and sickeningly sweet. Like fucking honey. His own thoughts were turning into a pathetic Nicholas Sparks novel, and he’d throw himself off the roof right now if it wasn’t for the fact that he hated to leave a story unfinished. “You don’t make any sense, Ben.”

“Neither do you, Rey.” Well, wasn’t that special. They had something in common. “How much?”

Rey’s shoulders jumped up in a dramatic shrug. “Is there a going rate for these sorts of things?”

The hell if he knew. “Will five thousand pounds work?”

Her jaw would have hit the dirty rooftop if it hadn’t been attached to her. “You… you’re serious?”

“Well, that depends on if we ever escape from this fucking roof, but sure. I’m a famous writer, Rey. We tend to have the money to spare.”

Again she laughed. “That would be… acceptable, I guess. Although, I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to explain you to my friends. Finn is going to have a heart attack when he sees you. He might actually fall into a coma.”

Finn. She’d called him her friend. That usually meant one or two things. Either he was too unappealing for her to fuck, or he was gay. Her eyes sparkled every single time she mentioned his name, so he was obviously important to her. Ben wasn’t completely looking forward to meeting the man if he was going to be a _fangirl_ about his books, but he’d endure it for the sake of Rey’s company. Kira Rey was already taking shape in his mind and ideas were flowing from all the unknown spaces where his creativity came from. “Just try to keep him from touching me.” 

Rey rolled her eyes and snorted as if holding onto some inside joke Finn wasn’t around to enjoy. “I make no promises.” Gay then. Finn had to be gay. Briefly, he wondered if Kira Rey should also have a character she could turn to for camaraderie. Perhaps he ought to decide that after meeting Rey’s best friend. He had to be prepared for inspiration to strike from any source, and that included the people in this girl’s life.

Ben opened his mouth to speak when he felt the first drop hit his nose. It was fairly big, but somehow it just felt like the sky was _trying_ to be spiteful. Rey’s eyes widened as she looked up. “Fuck.”

“Oh perfect,” Rey groaned.

More drops hit his face as he looked up, and in seconds the floodgates were open. They had nowhere to go. Nowhere to take cover. Freezing cold, and soon to be soaking wet. Ben closed his eyes and let the rain soak into him. His hands were already going numb, and the wind made sure every inch of his body was hit in the sudden storm. When he finally opened his eyes he could see Rey hiding under his jacket and giving him the most apologetic look she could muster. He ran a hand through his hair to slick it back and rolled his eyes. “If I die from pneumonia, I’m coming back to haunt you.”

Despite the horrible situation, Rey laughed. “And here I thought you weren’t romantic!”

“Fuck, I am not Patrick Swayze, Rey….”

*******

He’d been staring longingly at his suit jacket for nearly an hour, but he refused to be an asshole and demand it back. Rey tried to be helpful by leaning in close, but he’d kindly refused to share. He just really didn’t like being touched. Personal space was a must, even if the alternative was enduring the biting rains of London. This was the god damned _summer_. Why was today so fucking cold and rainy? Just why?

Ben had tried to occupy his thoughts with other things, desperate for a distraction from the literal cold shower, not that he’d actually needed one. Rey was attractive, but he wasn’t _that_ impressed. He found himself thinking about Kylo Ren and Kira Rey, how they would meet. It wouldn’t be on the best of terms. If this romance was going to work, Kylo would need to respect Kira as a warrior, which meant showcasing her skills in a duel that would lead to his ruin and her victory. He could almost imagine Kylo on his back with wide eyes, lying in a pool of his own blood, and Kira standing over him like a goddess. His history before becoming an anti-hero would be more than enough to justify the fight. Even if he was trying to redeem himself, Kira didn’t need to know that. She would be certain she was doing the right thing, and he’d only be fighting defensively. Kylo wouldn’t want to kill her, but his hesitation would lead to his downfall. Kira Rey wasn’t above fighting dirty.

What felt like a wet blanket dropped on his head, and Ben blinked, pulled from the scene playing in his mind. As he lifted the article of clothing off his head, he realized it was his suit jacket, and turned to look at Rey. She shrugged, as soaked through as he was now. “I was starting to feel guilty,” she explained.

Despite the annoyance of having a very expensive suit jacket thrown at his head, Ben’s lips curled into a smile. She looked like a wet dog. Her hair was clinging to her face and neck, losing all body and height. A small bit of mascara was staining her face and he fought the urge to wipe it away. Her cardigan was absorbing the rain like a sponge, and he was certain it had to feel twice as heavy by now. She was shivering horribly, and he found himself struggling with that emotion some might define as compassion. “I don’t like being _touched_.”

Rey gazed back at him, one eyebrow rising as if to remind him that she couldn’t read his mind. “Okay,” she finally spoke, making sure to draw out the word so he felt especially stupid.

“I just want you to know that when I do this,” he grumbled, and pulled her in close, tucking her to his side, and moving his wet jacket over them both. It was mostly worthless by now, but he’d take what he could get. 

The heat from their two bodies made him feel slightly better, and Rey’s head dropped down under his chin immediately. Ben’s inhale was sharp, because it didn’t feel quite as unpleasant as he’d expected. He didn’t enjoy physical intimacy. His father wasn’t a hugger, and frankly, his mother had ruined it completely by trying too hard. In his relationships he’d never been the guy to reach out and hold hands or wrap his arms around a girl for no reason. The sex was fun, but once it was over he’d move to his side of the bed, and hope to god she wasn’t a ‘cuddler’.

With Rey clinging to him, this strange girl who’d gotten him locked on a fucking roof in the rain, it felt… weird. His muscles relaxed instantly, and his skin was tingling again, but now it was everywhere she was touching. He was melting into her, and he’d never actually experienced that before. He let go of the jacket so it draped over them and slowly let his arms wrap around her. The movement was awkward, and he felt more like a robot than a human as his hands tried to find a place to settle, but Rey sighed against him anyway. He made sure to clear his throat before he spoke. “Better?”

He felt her shiver again, but this time it didn’t seem to be from the cold. “Much,” she assured him. Ben could see her eyes closing and her grip tightened around his torso. He swallowed down a lump that was forming in his throat and resisted the temptation to pull away.

It felt crazy. They were virtually strangers just a few hours ago. Somehow he’d ended up in some alternate universe where Ben Solo held women so they wouldn’t freeze in the rain, and offered strangers money so that he could insert himself in their life for the sake of research. If Armitage Hux were on this roof he’d be suffering from a massive heart attack. His parents would be forcing him to take a blood test to make sure he was still their son. Hell, HE would be eagerly calling a psychiatrist to find out if mental breakdowns could result in a drastic shift of one’s personality and identity. He was breaking all his own unwritten rules, and that terrified him. He felt cornered, but pulling away from Rey now, felt equally wrong.

“Tell me something, Ben.” He could feel her mouth moving against his chest, and the heat seeped in through his clothes. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back against the cement barrier he was leaning against. “How do you think Kira and Kylo would fall in love?”

“I guess that’s what I need to find out,” he answered, ignoring how deep and rough his voice sounded. It was probably from the cold.

“How do you think it’ll end?”

Ben swallowed and licked his lips. “Badly… very, very badly.” It might just kill him.

Rey didn’t speak after that. He had a feeling it wasn’t the answer she’d hoped for.

*******

“You realize this block of wood is here for a reason?”

Ben jolted awake. He wasn’t sure how he’d managed to drift off while being pelted by cold rain, but he had. He shoved his jacket off and looked up to see Hux’s secretary standing over him with a far too smug smile, and a lit cigarette in her hand. He immediately moved to get up when he realized there was a body draped over him. The girl who’d gotten him into this mess, and she seemed to be completely knocked out. “Rey! Get off me!” he growled.

Rey’s head sprang up, wiping the rain from her face as she turned to see Christe Phasma, leaning over them. She had an umbrella in her other hand, and was holding it out just enough to keep them from the worst of the showers. “Uh… hello.” Phasma used the hand holding her cigarette to wave, and the mirth in her eyes didn’t seem to go unnoticed by Rey. “I sort of… locked us both up here.”

Ben slid out from under her and stood up, shrugging his jacket back on. “I thought I was going to die up here.” He felt absolutely miserable, but his misfortunes had finally ended, and he was eager to get the hell out of this rain.

“Oh yes, you looked quite tortured,” Phasma teased.

Rey slowly got to her feet, smiling gratefully at Christe. “Thanks, I think I ought to get out of the rain now! I was starting to wonder if we’d ever be saved!”

“After you,” Ben told her, waving his arm ahead of him, sounding hurried to his own ears. Christie kept staring between the two like she’d discovered buried treasure and he didn’t appreciate it in the least. 

Rey smiled and headed to the door while Ben looked back at Phasma and narrowed his eyes. “We were sharing body heat. It’s fucking cold.”

“Starting that research already, I see. Mr. Hux will be quite pleased.”

Oh, fuck her. Ben rolled his eyes and stormed off the roof after Rey. She was practically rushing down the steps, and for some insane reason he was following her. They were over twenty floors up, but he didn’t mind, because his entire body felt numb from the cold and at least his blood was starting to flow properly again. All he could hear was the echoes of their steps, and he was dripping water everywhere.

Eventually, Rey came to a stop, almost sending Ben straight into her. He glanced at the floor number… it was the fifteenth. He should be returning to Hux’s office right now, but there was no way that was happening now. Ben Solo wanted to go home, enjoy the hottest shower of his life, and spend the rest of his day curled up in the heaviest and warmest blanket he could find. The strange girl turned to look up at him, and held out her hand. When he looked down he could see a card, it had her name on it and private contact information. “I’m not sure how following me around will help you write your story, Ben. I suppose… I’m just a bit curious as to what happens next.”

“You mean you’ll actually read the book when I’m finished?” he asked, curling his lips in a lop-side smile. He took the card, ignoring the familiar tingle whenever they touched. He was starting to get used to it. He shoved the card in his breast pocket.

Rey was biting her bottom lip again, and shook her head. “Wasn’t talking about the book,” she replied and twisted back around. Ben didn’t follow her this time. It took him a minute to realize what she was implying, and felt his face heating up. He decided to take the elevator the rest of the way down. He had no fucking clue how he would have responded to that anyway….

*******

He followed through with the scalding hot shower, _dry_ clothes, and warm bed. He’d found a great apartment in Queen’s Gate, South Kensington. The spacious two bedroom was a little too bright for his tastes, but he hadn’t gotten the chance to redecorate just yet. It hadn’t been as pricey as he’d expected, just a little under three million. He was literally across the street from Queen’s Gate Gardens, and he didn’t mind the walk to and from Gloucester Road tube station. The place had been fixed up nicely just before he bought it, so everything was updated, but it was painfully empty. He was still waiting for the rest of his furniture to be shipped. He was going to turn the second bedroom into his office space and library. Perhaps then it would finally feel like a home.

He was lying on his back with Rey’s card sliding through his fingers as he spun it around and around. It’d gotten wet from the rain, and wrinkled in places, but her information was practically screaming at him. The phone number was useless (fucking blowtorch), but it was the home address that haunted him, because now he knew where she lived. This strange girl that had gotten him locked out on a roof in the rain… and she’d just given Ben her card, trusted him with this private information. She lived on Maxwell Road in Romford. It was pretty close to Queen’s Hospital, he’d already googled it after the shower. He could take Elm Park tube station and be there in no time. It wasn’t a difficult walk. He preferred the tube to taxis.

He was slightly impressed. Rey seemed to fit the bill of ‘struggling artist’ and yet she’d managed quite well on her own. He’d been almost certain he’d have to keep an eye on his wallet at all times if he went to visit her. Either her work paid much better than most, or she’d scored a really generous roommate. Ben was leaning towards the latter, but Rey was good at surprising him. All he knew was he’d be seeing her again, and it filled him with a mixture of trepidation and excitement. He wasn’t used to the combination. People generally just exasperated him, but Rey made him _nervous_. Tomorrow was Saturday. He’d bring her coffee. She probably liked chocolate and sugary drinks. Or maybe tea? She was British, after all.

Ben let out a huff and slammed the card down on the nightstand. What the hell was he doing? This girl was trouble. She’d already got him locked on a roof. He was turning into a masochist. She was obviously a walking disaster between the phone melting and the roof incident. Was she really worth it? Yes. Fuck, she really was. He was sure of it, and that just frustrated him further. He didn’t want to do this, but he was going to. He needed to know her story. He needed to insert himself in her life and just discover every single dirty secret she was holding onto. Not just for the book. Not just for Kira Rey… but because he was fucking intrigued.

He switched off his lamp and close his eyes. The stress of the day made it easy to fall asleep. He’d been exhausted, and somehow every movement required more strength than he had available to him. In his dreams he could see Kira and Kylo in the dark battling like enemies, but the spark between them was fucking unbelievable. They both felt it, and their own fears raged through their bloodstream with adrenaline. She wouldn’t give up even when Kylo seemed to have the upper hand. He was mesmerized, but fighting for his life. The heat between them was toxic, but when she finally slashed him and sent him to the ground, she hesitated to end his life. Their eyes met and something passed between them unspoken.

For a strange moment Kylo Ren’s face looked way too much like his own. He’d gotten Ben’s big ears, and a softer, not so roguish face. The scar across his face disappeared. Kira Rey was wearing a cardigan, and her eyes shined a lot brighter than the warrior goddess. She dropped the weapon and fell to her knees before him. Ben reached out towards her face, tracing the smooth angles of her jaw. _“Who are you?”_ he asked this dream girl.

She smiled back. _“Come find out, Ben….”_

He didn’t know it in the dream, but the moment he woke up and remembered what happened, he was certain he was fucked. Rey was dangerous in a way no one else could ever be. Even thinking about her made him antsy, desperate to occupy his mind on something else, but utterly disappointed in the alternatives. There was no doubt in his mind that he was stepping way outside his comfort zone for the sake of research… for the sake of discovering the mysteries of this strange girl. Yet even with all this running through his mind, all the warning signs blaring loudly in his skull, for the first time in his life Ben didn’t give a damn. He’d already been caught in her web… and he _liked_ it.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know most people write these AUs in New York, but weirdly enough I know more about London than I do about New York even though I lived five hours away from the city for most of my life. How sad is that?
> 
> Disclaimer: Ben's an idiot. His opinions in no way reflect my own. I feel like I should stress that because some of the stuff I wrote made me sad inside. lol
> 
> Comments are everything, literally everything.


	3. Chapter 3

After nearly fifteen minutes staring at a blackboard menu trying to decide whether Rey would prefer coffee or tea, Ben decided he was being ridiculous, and promptly ordered the first thing he saw. This turned out to be a caffe mocha, with a shot of espresso in case she wasn’t a morning person. The damn cup was burning his hand because the girl at the shop wrote her number on the cup sleeve. He’d made sure to flash her a smile as he threw it away and tried not to wince as a few drops of scalding liquid splashed on his hand. She’d looked fucking pissed at his rejection, and he soaked up her hateful glare like a sponge. He wondered if he’d have third degree burns on his hand by the time he made it to Rey’s flat.

The weather in London was much better today. He was starting to wonder if the damn city was suffering from menopause, because he’d been forced to remove his jacket minutes after leaving his home. He was actually sweating by the time he reached the tube station. Despite his dislike of diminished personal space, somehow he didn’t mind the tube. Most people were just as eager to keep their distance, unless they had no choice. There’d been some delays earlier in the week that’d been pure hell as he’d had to stuff himself like a god damn sardine into the small cars, but they’d fixed the problem yesterday, which meant the platforms were less crowded. Gloucester had the district line, which made things a lot easier because at least he wouldn’t have to transfer anywhere. He could take district straight to Elm.

He tried not to curse when he reached the platform just as the subway train he wanted pulled away. There’d be at least two other trains coming before another district. Ben felt someone’s eyes on him, and when he turned his head to the left there was a little kid holding onto his mother’s hand, both waiting just behind the yellow line. He was staring at Ben as if he were some freak of nature. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d received that sort of look. He was especially tall, and quite well built. Women appreciated his form, and children were usually intimidated. This little boy didn’t know what to make of the strange American holding scalding, hot coffee in his hand. Ben sighed and turned to meet the kid’s gaze, staring him down until he finally looked away. He wasn’t a monster. It wasn’t like he enjoyed intimidating children, but he could only take so much of the staring.

Eventually, the kid and his mother were gone, leaving the platform relatively empty. The district arrived next and Ben hopped over just as the speakers blared about ‘minding the gap.’ He took a seat close to the doors, dropping his jacket in the space next to him. He’d decided to wear something a bit more casual for visiting Rey. He liked Levi’s jeans best, and this pair were well worn, along with a faded black shirt that he found extremely comfortable. Some people with money couldn’t stand the idea of others not recognizing their good fortune, so they went out of their way to wear the best and most expensive shit money could buy. Ben had learned early on that sometimes the costly shit was worse. He wasn’t pretentious enough to give a damn how others perceived him. He just wanted to be comfortable.

Elm Park station was obviously not as glamorous as where he’d just come from, and by the time he walked outside he could only see a handful of people walking about. Most looked completely lost in their own world, with eyes that focused straight ahead and never once bothered to take in their surroundings. There wasn’t really much to look at anyway. Ben switched on his phone’s gps to figure out which direction was Rey’s place. He was fairly good with maps and memorization. Once he got himself to the flat, he was sure he’d remember it for future visits.

By the time he made it to Maxwell Road he could see Rey’s building towering above him. It was nice enough, most of the surrounding buildings were red brick with a small balcony, not that he’d be overly eager to step outside when there was nothing to look at. The few little patches not covered in cement had grass, but it wasn’t maintained well and most of it had turned an ugly shade of yellow. An older woman was leaving Rey’s building just as he’d reached the door, and she politely held it open for him as he walked inside. He muttered a half-hearted ‘thanks,’ and took to the stairs. Rey lived on the second floor, so it wasn’t much of a climb.

Ben checked the card Rey had given him one last time just to make sure he had the right door before knocking. He could hear voices on the other side, Rey’s and a male voice. Her laugh seemed to echo in his ears just as she swung the door open, and his mouth immediately went dry. “Fuck.”

“Hello to you too,” she replied with a grin as she leaned against the door.

Ben blinked, eyes drifting down at her state of dress without his permission. Her skin shined with perspiration, and her hair was pulled back in three loose buns (a weird hairstyle if ever he saw one, but certainly unique). She was wearing what might as well be a black and grey sports bra with a logo that’d already faded just over her right breast, with a bright pink long sleeve sports jacket over top. Her stomach was flat, revealing defined muscle underneath skin as pale as his own. The pink spandex shorts were covering about as much skin as underwear would considering how high they went up, and provided him a great view of well-toned thighs and creamy skin. _Fuck._

“No it’s just… you’re a fucking morning person aren’t you.” His voice was raspy as he tried to recover his dignity, and feign disinterest. He’d spent far too damn long indulging his eyes in obvious admiration of her body, and her smile assured him that he was fooling no one.

“I just got back from a run, come on in.” She stepped aside and allowed him to enter. He was surprised to see the flat empty considering he’d heard another voice.

It was a well decorated flat with modern fixtures and colorful furniture. Her couch was bright red, sitting across from two greyish black chairs. The carpet had some hippie pattern that looked straight from an IKEA catalogue, and a glass coffee table ensured the pattern was seen. Everything about the place screamed young and trendy, and he wasn’t surprised in the least. “Nice place.” He tried very hard not to sound sarcastic.

“Thanks,” Rey responded as she shut the door behind him. The kitchen area was off to the right against the wall, just a long strip of cabinets and a stove with a shiny silver hood above. It was functional, but he’d never been fond of a completely open concept. It meant he was forced to keep dirty dishes out of sight for fear of surprise guests, otherwise they’d think he was a fucking slob. Rey’s sink was currently empty except for one mug with a picture of Lionel Richie on the front and the words _‘hello, is it tea you’re looking for?’_ He resisted the urge to roll his eyes and turned to look at the half naked girl leaning against the door.

“I got you coffee.” He extended his arm out to her, keeping his distance, and she immediately took it with an even brighter smile than before. He gritted his teeth as the familiar tingle spread through his hand, and he didn’t like the way her fingers had lingered when she took her drink. She was fucking teasing him for the ogling. He was sure of it.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d almost think you were trying to be _nice_ , Ben,” she pointed out, sounding far too self-assured for his liking. She took a sip, and he could tell by the grimace that she hated it.

“I’m guessing you prefer tea then.” Of course she did. Damn it. 

The lip biting was definitely a bad habit of hers when she felt nervous or uncomfortable. She set the coffee on the counter, and gave him that nose scrunch and smile as a silent apology. “Afraid so, but I appreciate the gesture! Finn will drink it. He’s addicted.”

Ben decided it was best to put some space between them and walked further into the flat with the pretense of admiring the décor. There wasn’t much to see. The place was simple and modern, with grey laminate floors, white walls, and a window to let light in. He assumed the bedrooms were just down the hall. There were a few pictures hanging, mostly abstract art, which he’d never been fond of. He preferred oil paintings by impressionists, and enjoyed furniture that was softer in color, and made his surroundings feel warm and relaxed. He dropped his jacket on the couch and glanced back at Rey. “Oh yes… the best friend. Is he here today?”

Rey snorted, a very unlady-like sound, but it put Ben at ease for some reason. “When is Finn _not_ here?” she muttered.

Just like that he heard footsteps, and a young man in a grey polo shirt and dark jeans poked his head out from the hallway, flashing Ben a wide and unnaturally white smile. His skin was dark and perfect, not a fucking blemish to be seen. He had full lips, and eyes that were somehow bright despite the dark color, making him look almost as vibrant as Rey. Ben could tell immediately he was the type of guy everyone gravitated to. He oozed confidence and charm, but underneath it all there was sensitivity and intelligence. “Oh wow, Rey… you didn’t tell me we were having company over!” 

Rey huffed. “This isn’t your flat,” she griped, and Ben got the feeling it wasn’t the first time she’d had to remind him of that.

Finn waved her off with a laugh, keeping his eyes trained on Ben. His accent was American, which surprised Ben, but there was definitely something else mixed in that gave his voice a unique sound. “Finn Winslow, a pleasure to meet you.” 

The young man’s hand hung between them and Solo glanced down in dismay. He loathed to shake hands with people. It was awkward, and half the time the other person’s hands ended up being clammy. The handshakes were always either too loose or too tight. Then there was the struggle of trying to calculate how long they needed to shake before they could pull away. And finally his own personal hell included resisting the temptation to wipe his hands on something, as the mind conjured up images of biology classes where they’d explored just how many germs were passed from person to person through skin contact. It was distasteful, and yet people still insisted on the practice. Then again, maybe that was all just Ben’s fucked up mind… he could never tell what was normal and what was just him.

Finn’s smile was beginning to falter when Ben inhaled deep and accepted the friendly gesture. The other man’s hand was warm, but surprisingly dry, and his grip was firm. It still wasn’t pleasant, but he didn’t completely hate it. “Ben Solo.”

When Ben’s hand was returned to him, he shoved it in his pocket, fighting the urge to wipe it on something. Fuck biology class for doing this to him. Finn’s smile had returned full force, eyes wide with excitement. “Ben Solo… the writer… I just… I honestly can’t believe this is happening. I’m just a _huge_ fan of yours. I mean, Rey told me about you last night, but she looked like a disaster zone at the time, so I wasn’t really sure what to take seriously! That kind of shit just doesn’t happen in real life.”

Ben’s lips curled into a smile as he glanced over at Rey who’d moved to join them. “No, not to _most_ people, anyway.”

Her eyes narrowed, and he suppressed a laugh. Finn seemed to catch on, chuckling warmly as he turned to Rey. “Oh this is going to be fun!”

“Don’t you have an audition to be running off to?” Rey asked, voice dripping with annoyance. Ben found it strangely pleasant to see her expressing distaste. Perhaps she wasn’t all candy corn and rainbows after all.

“Not till late this afternoon,” Finn countered, mirroring Rey’s tone. “I wouldn’t miss this for the world!”

“So, actor then?” questioned Ben, curious to learn more about Finn. He still hadn’t made his mind up as to whether he’d write yet another character for Kira Rey to interact with.

Finn looked damn proud when he answered. “Yeah, and some modeling too.”

“Been in anything I’ve seen?”

“Depends on if you enjoy the West End. I finished a run with _Lion King_ , and now I’m in _Kinky Boots_ at Adelphi theater.” Ben’s eyebrows rose at the name. He’d heard of it, of course, but had little desire to waste money on a ticket. It looked awfully gaudy, and he wasn’t sure how a shoe factory managed to be a sufficient setting for a musical. “I play a transvestite cabaret singer.”

**Definitely** gay. “Nice… no I uh… haven’t seen the show.” Ben attempted a friendly smile, desperately hoping he didn’t look too uncomfortable. His uncle was gay, and probably one of the few people in Ben’s life that he could tolerate for longer than a day. Uncle Luke had endured a world when something as simple as marriage was more problematic and distasteful than rising divorce rates in heterosexual relationships. He’d had lovers, but never settled down. Despite Ben Solo’s views on romance, Uncle Luke’s lonely life left a bad taste in his mouth. His uncle was a romantic sort like Rey, and Ben would have liked to see Luke find the thing he desired most. 

“Well, you should! It’s brilliant!” Rey spoke up, beaming at her best friend. Finn was staring at Ben suspiciously now. He probably thought Ben was some homophobic asshole instead of just a regular asshole. Good first impressions were beyond his skill set. It usually didn’t bother him, but if he was going to shadow Rey, he ought to be on friendly terms with her friends.

“Rey actually mentioned you. She told me how much you enjoy Kylo Ren’s character,” Ben said, clearing his throat. “I know I’m mostly here for Rey, but I was thinking it might be nice to learn a bit about her friends as well. Perhaps we could… grab a coffee together… some time.” He really hoped that didn’t sound like a fucking pick-up line.

Finn’s lips curled, and he nodded. “Are you kidding me? You’re Ben Solo. You are literally one of the best writers of our generation. If they sold them, I’d have Kylo Ren bedsheets.”

“He would, he _really_ would,” Rey confirmed.

Ben snorted in amusement. “Well, if this book does well, they might finally offer me a contract for a movie deal. So… you may get those bedsheets after all.”

That seemed to please Rey’s friend, his smile wide and blinding enough to make the sun jealous. Ben was almost afraid the man would hug him, but something at the window caught Finn’s eye. He immediately side-stepped Solo and walked over to the window. “Oh shit, he’s back! Walk of shame?!”

Rey dashed to the window to peer down, leaving Ben extremely confused. The urge to escape this hell hole of social interaction was rising with every second. “Oh my god, it’s that girl again!” She smacked Finn’s arm hard and actually cackled. “I am _so_ going to win this bet!”

“Oh please! There is no way! Maybe she’s his sister!”

“That is NOT how you hug your sister.”

“Yeah… scratch that, but that still doesn’t mean he’s straight! If he slept with her, I can almost guarantee they’d be doing more than hugging right now.”

“They’re in public,” Rey protested, just as Ben finally joined them at the window. 

There was a couple standing just outside the building not too far from the parking lot. They were indeed having an interesting moment in front of a red Tesla. The guy looked in his mid-thirties with dark curls. Ben was too far away to see much, but he seemed handsome enough. The woman was blonde, and her face was buried in the other guy’s shoulder as they held each other for way longer than necessary. “You guys are betting on the sexual preference of a neighbor?” Ben questioned, frowning with distaste.

Rey turned to look at him, and he was suddenly very aware of their shoulders brushing as she leaned in. “I say he’s bisexual. My roommate Rose is positive he’s straight. Finn thinks he’s gay.”

“He has a fluffy, white dog named Beebee!” Finn’s voice had gone up an octave, sounding especially defensive. “She’s got an orange collar and a sparkly _heart_ tag! Come on! I can’t be the only one thinking that’s a little gay!”

Ben watched as Rey grinned, keeping her focus on Ben. “He’s got a bit of a crush,” she revealed, ducking in closer. Without realizing it, he’d hunched down to her level, and their eyes met. Her smile looked positively wicked, and he didn’t miss the way her gaze lowered to his lips. He instantly leaned back and straightened to stare out the window again, ignoring her knowing stare.

“Rey, stop telling people that. I have absolutely no interest in Poe Dameron. I just… enjoy looking at him, and when he’s not around I wonder what he’s up to sometimes.”

Ben quirked an eyebrow at Finn, while Rey broke down giggling. His chest tightened when she buried her face into his shoulder. Her hands were gripping his biceps, and the tingling seemed to be evolving into a subtle burning sensation. He didn’t pull away, but every muscle in his body reacted to the contact. Unlike when she’d been tucked against him on that damned roof, his nerve endings were firing with the grace of a horny teenager. Some muscles tightened, while others loosened, and his lungs had forgotten how to work properly. This woman was determined to get a rise out of him and it was working. 

“I don’t see what the big deal is. If you’re interested in this guy, why not just go ask him if he likes cock… just you know, get it over with?”

He was pretty sure he’d said something wrong when Finn’s eyes widened, and Rey huffed, pulling away. Ben’s body instantly calmed the fuck down, moments after she stopped touching him. She was twisting her neck to share a look with her friend. “Well, I did warn you he was rough around the edges.”

Finn glanced between Rey and Ben for a minute, then turned back to the window, shaking his head. Rey returned her focus to Ben’s, looking less than pleased. “Finn isn’t really… ready for all that. He’s never actually… _had_ a boyfriend before. His last relationship was my roommate.”

Fuck. Well, how did Rey expect him to know that? Or even think in general when she was leaning in close with barely any clothes on. He was trying to keep this professional, but he still had eyes… and a dick. “Oh… uh yeah, guess that would make things… complicated.” Was he supposed to apologize? Was Finn offended? Probably, but Ben was Ben. “Fuck it, you’ll figure things out eventually,” he assured Finn.

Finn didn’t look at him, but he was smiling again. He must have done something right….

*******

Rey was in the shower singing… _off key_. Ben had offered to take her out for lunch, hoping for the opportunity to talk. He wasn’t sure what the hell he was doing or even what he was looking for. Kira Rey was still just a concept, undeveloped and just as mysterious as the girl butchering David Bowie’s ‘Under Pressure’ in the restroom right now. His hands rubbed together for a moment as he glanced up at Finn who was currently sitting across from him, staring like Ben was seconds away from saying something poetic that would blow his mind. Perhaps he ought to be taking advantage of this time. “So how long have you and Rey been friends?”

Finn blinked, not quite registering the question at first. “Ahhhh two years.”

“Not very long. What about her roommate?”

“Not long either. Rey didn’t even know Rose until after we started dating. I introduced them because Rose told me she was looking for someone to room with, and I knew Rey hated her place. It was absolute shit for the price she was paying each month.”

It was starting to feel like an interview, but for the first time since Ben had arrived, he was feeling comfortable and in his element. Finn seemed important to Rey, and yet it was strange considering they hadn’t known each other long. They behaved as if they’d been friends for ages, but two years was barely anything. “How did you two meet? You and Rey?”

Ben watched as Finn’s lips curled into a fond smile. “Oh yeah… now _that_ is a story. I’d actually just scored a major role in a TV movie for BBC. I prefer the stage, but when you’re starting sometimes you can’t be picky, you know? She was working at Harrods on Brompton Road… in Knightsbridge. She was starting to make a name for herself in sculpting, but she still needed to supplement her income at the time. Anyway, I was feeling really good about myself and I wanted to celebrate by buying this really stylish leather jacket. I’d been drooling over it for the better part of an hour before she walked by. She could tell I was hesitating and it was so much money… well over four hundred pounds. It was gorgeous though, pure sheepskin leather, orange color… simple, but sleek, you know? It was a Jondrix jacket, the kind of thing I’d always dreamed of owning, but never thought I’d have the opportunity. Rey convinced me. When I told her about my news she was just so excited and she kept insisting that if I was going to be a star, I ought to look like one.” His smile widened, and he was looking down at his lap, rubbing his heads up and down on his knees. 

Ben could tell her words must have meant a lot to Finn. His chest was practically puffing out with pride at the memory. To anyone else it would have undoubtedly been nothing more than a skilled saleswoman doing her job, but Rey was too genuine. He’d already caught on to that, and obviously so had Finn. If she said something, it was because she truly believed it. She was the type of girl who formed opinions and wasn’t afraid of sharing them, wasn’t afraid of following through whole-heartedly.

“Anyway,” Finn continued. “I decide to buy the jacket. After I made the purchase some stupid teenager thought it would be funny to play a little joke and slip something extra in my bag. So when I get to the door the alarms go off… I get stopped. I tried to tell them what must have happened, but I couldn’t find the receipt for the jacket and I was totally freaking out. You should have seen how they were looking at me. Bastards, really. They didn’t believe a word I was saying, and even worse… the person who checked me out had just taken a break so I had no one to turn to that would support my story. I thought I was cooked… till Rey came. Not only did she assure them she saw me buy the jacket, but she told them about the teenager trying to cause trouble. Apparently, he’d dropped a few items in someone else’s bag, but she caught him and had him kicked out. She made this impassioned speech about how we’re supposed to treat customers… made them look so ashamed of themselves. The manager was offering me discounts and all sorts of shit as an apology. I couldn’t believe it! Rey was absolutely brilliant.”

Ben glanced away from Finn as Rey made some sort of yelp from the bathroom, and he tried to hide the smirk by rubbing at his lips. “How heroic.”

Finn shrugged at that. “It was to me. We hung out at a coffee shop after her shift and we just really hit it off. I suppose at the time I sort of wondered… well, I thought about asking her out, but it didn’t feel right. I met Rose soon after, and she was the one who picked me up, invited me out for drinks. She was so cute and just oozed sex appeal. Rey really liked her, but I think she knew I was gay even before I did. Honestly, I’m just relieved Rose and I could still be friends once it ended.”

In his mind’s eye he saw someone loyal standing next to Kira. Someone she could trust because he was always going to look out for her. If she was ever in trouble, _he’d_ be the one that would risk everything to go after her… even if he was afraid. He’d keep the name… Finn was a good name. He had a past though. He’d seen some terrible things, and he’d been drawn to Kira because of her light and her goodness. She made him brave when he’d have nightmares about the heartless things Kylo Ren had done in his past. Finn was the reason Kira fought Kylo. His reputation laid bare to her, because Finn had witnessed every darkness committed before he’d turned. “Good story.”

Finn nodded. “Yeah.”

Just then the door swung open, and Ben’s blood surged as Rey ran out of the bathroom with a bathrobe on. It barely covered anything, and he was given a very good view of the valley between her breasts. There were still beads of water trickling down her skin, and he licked his lips. “Sorry for the wait, Ben! I promise I won’t take too long getting dressed! Thanks for entertaining him, Finn!”

Finn just nodded as she ran towards her room and Solo’s eyes snapped away when he realized just how short her bathrobe really was. Fuck. He cleared his throat and leaned back in the small chair, trying to take normal breaths. What the hell was this woman trying to do to him? He’d forgotten all about Rey’s friend until the other man started laughing. “What?” he questioned with narrowing eyes.

Rey’s friend was grinning from ear to ear. “No it’s just… you should see your face right now. You look like someone who’s second away from getting hit by a bus.” More laughter followed and Finn shook his head. “I mean, you look absolutely scared shitless. I uh… I gotta admit part of me thought all this-” Finn waved his hand around dramatically- “was just a ruse to get in her pants, but it’s not, is it? You’re actually creating a character about her even though she fucking terrifies you.”

Ben glowered, but didn’t even bother trying to deny it. “Says the guy who’s too fucking chicken to ask out Rey’s next door neighbor.”

Finn’s eyebrows hit the ceiling, and his smile waned. He looked like a man who’d gotten the air knocked from his lungs. “Wow… you really are an asshole... I know they say never meet your heroes, but _damn_.” Ben watched as the other man scratched the back of his head, and awkward silence descended between them. _Fuck._ He’d been doing so well, but he couldn’t help himself, could he? This was who he was. Brutally honestly with everyone but himself. The quiet felt deafening, thick with tension he’d created. Ben could hear drawers being opened and slammed shut from Rey’s room. She was still singing something, but he didn’t recognize the song. He had to fix this before she came back out. 

“I was thinking of naming a character after you,” Ben finally told him. He really didn’t do apologies, especially when he’d meant what he said.

Finn’s eyes brightened. “Seriously?”

Ben nodded.

“Okay fine… but I want my character to be funny. I mean, _hilariously_ funny… and attractive. Like just really, really gorgeous.”

Ben snorted, relieved when he realized he’d been forgiven once more for his fucked up attitude. “Done.” Finn’s words from before still left him itching though. It shouldn’t have mattered. He should have just left it alone, but he couldn’t. “Look… Finn, I’m just here because I want Rey’s story… not… not _her_.”

Finn’s lips tightened in a less than convincing smile. “Whatever you say, man….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm gonna be visiting the US for a couple weeks, but I'll try to squeeze in an update while I'm away. I'm bringing my laptop just in case! I really just depends on how busy I get! 
> 
> In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Comment please! The comments are as precious as Poe's fluffy white dog, Bee bee! :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to post this chapter today because it looks like I really won't have time later while I'm away on vacation. My schedule is gonna be insane. So feel free to thank my family for this early update, but this also means you may have to endure a few weeks before the next chapter! Sorry! Was trying to spread it out so you wouldn't have long waits! Anyway, comments are love, and I need them to keep living. lol

Rey was wearing another cardigan despite the ninety degree heat. It was making Ben hot just looking at her, and he honestly couldn’t comprehend how she wasn’t sweating buckets. This one was black with white stripes, and a lacy white camisole underneath. Ben wasn’t sure how she could stand wearing long sleeves, but at least it was thin. It just struck him as odd. She certainly didn’t seem opposed to showcasing her body during morning runs, though she’d had a jacket then too, now that he thought about it. She was also wearing white jean capris that hung low enough on her hips to reveal a sliver of pale skin, and made her ass look far too tempting… not that he was looking. 

The plan for lunch had been postponed when Rey announced she had a craving for ice cream. They’d hopped on the tube and headed towards the middle of the city, and somehow ended up walking through St James’s Park. She’d gotten strawberry (which she’d insisted was the perfect flavor) and he got a chocolate with a waffle cone. Ben tried not to notice the smear of pink on her cheek, but he could barely keep from laughing every time he looked at her. She looked ridiculous. “You realize ice cream is not what I would call the healthiest of lunches. At some point we should probably get something that contains some form of nutrition.”

“It’s a beautiful day, for once, Ben. I’d rather be here in the park enjoying it, than stuck inside some stuffy restaurant for the sake of nutrition.”

Perhaps she had a point, but he rolled his eyes anyway. She nudged him with her shoulder in retribution, though he didn’t move an inch. Ben thought it amusing that she actually thought the response would impact him in any way. She was only slightly thicker than one of his arms, and he might as well have been a brick wall. “Kind of counter-productive, isn’t it? Going on morning runs and then having ice cream for lunch?”

“You shan’t ruin this for me. I won’t let you,” Rey insisted. “Go be an asshole somewhere else. I don’t need that sort of negativity in my life.”

“Shan’t?! I cannot believe you just said that in my presence.”

Rey was grinning up at him, eyes twinkling with her unique playfulness. “Shan’t is a perfectly pleasant word. I shan’t let you ruin _that_ either.”

Ben genuinely laughed, and it felt like something he hadn’t done in years, if ever. He took a large bite out of his cone, feeling melted ice cream drip down his chin and hit his shirt. Thankfully it wasn’t enough to be noticeable, and he used his thumb to wipe it, sucking the chocolate into his mouth with a soft hum. He didn’t miss Rey stumble as her eyes drifted to his lips, and although it hadn’t been his plan, he was pleased he could tease _her_ for once.

He’d barely known her a day, but it was strange how easy conversation was between them. Unlike with Finn and so many others, he always felt a measure of pressure to conform to expectations. He’d spent his entire life being forced to say the right things and do the right things, whether it be with dignitaries, political leaders, or camera crews. It wasn’t until that spotlight was gone, that Ben was finally able to express himself. No longer did he have to fear his actions having a negative impact his mother’s career. He was blunt, and perhaps a bit cruel, but it was a freedom he refused to give up. Rey didn’t seem bothered in the least, and he found their interactions refreshing.

Ben glanced back at Rey just as she’d finished her ice cream, shaking his head as his eyes were once again drawn to the smear of pink on her cheek. He wasn’t sure how she didn’t feel it. “I’m sorry, I just can’t stand it anymore. It’s just… you uh… you’ve got a little something,” he told her, pointing at her face.

“Where?” she questioned, wiping at her face. He wasn’t sure how she kept missing it.

“There.”

“Ben, that doesn’t help as much as you think it does.”

“I’m pointing right at it. Oh for god’s sake, Rey!” 

Rey was still rubbing at her face, but seemed determined to avoid the actual spot he was looking at. With a roll of his eyes, Ben took his thumb and wiped away the ice cream from her face. He almost dropped his own cone when the palm of his other hand pressed into her cheek, and her eyes made contact with his own. She was looking through her lashes at him, and his hand was starting to tingle and burn. They’d both gone very still at the contact, and he could barely catch his breath. She was licking her lips. The tension between them was going downhill fast, and Ben knew he needed to pull away. 

In a flash he shoved his cone between them and took a bite, making sure to crunch loudly as crumbs dropped to the ground. He dropped his hand from her face and cleared his throat. “I got it,” he muttered between munching his cone, and forced himself to continue walking along the park’s path.

Rey just smiled, following him. “Yeah… thanks, Ben.”

He finished off half the cone quickly (practically shoving it in his mouth), and stepped aside to throw away the rest when a familiar face caught his eye. An old man wearing a dark blue shirt, with a brown sweater draped over his dark brown trousers. He was reading the newspaper on a bench nearby, looking quite content to enjoy the sounds of ducks behind him. Occasionally, he would look up at the people who would pass by, smiling a greeting. “Fuck… fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck_!” he cursed as he glanced over at Rey who had joined him at the trash bin to throw away her napkin that had come with the cone.

“What? What’s wrong?” Ben absently gripped her shoulders and turned away from the older man, walking them in the opposite direction. He was sure they hadn’t been noticed. “Ummm why are we going back the way we came?”

“Just shut up,” he almost growled, wrapping an arm around her and leading her away. He didn’t have time to worry about touching Rey when every muscle in his body was tensing for a different reason.

“Did you actually just tell me to shut up?” she was starting to pull away, and Ben’s heart sped up in a panic as she drifted back and folded her arms stubbornly. He spun around, realizing she’d drawn attention.

“BEN!”

Ben froze, eyes drifting past Rey towards the older man who was now standing just behind her with a wide smile on his face, and his newspaper tucked under his arm. This was not good. “Shit….”

Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion as she twisted around and stepped back into Ben’s chest in surprise. His hands shot to her hips for a moment, tugging her to his right, a move he knew the old man would catch. He was so fucked. “Ben... what in god's name are you doing in a park with such a beautiful young lady?” he questioned, and turned his mischievous eyes towards Rey. “Blink twice if you've been kidnapped.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Amusing as always... surprised to see you here too. You've gotten so old... how did you even manage to get out here without a nurse and a wheelchair?”

“Now, now... don't be such bastard.” The old man’s eyes were focused on the woman standing beside Ben looking confused as hell. He offered Rey his hand, warmly. “The name's Lor San Tekka, by the way, and don’t mind us. We’re always like this.”

Rey seemed to relax at the introduction, smiling back at Tekka. “Rey Jakobi, it's nice to meet you. I take it you know Ben?”

Lor nodded with a dramatic sigh. “Afraid so, yes.”

Ben figured he ought to explain now that he had no choice in the matter. “Tekka was my private tutor since the age of five. He also taught me everything I know about writing,” he informed Rey, folding his arms and staring the old man down. Silently, he warned Lor to behave himself.

Lor’s beard looked unkempt, and his hair was cut short. His pale blue eyes gave him an aura of gentleness, but he was far from it. He puffed out his chest proudly at Rey, pointing to Ben. “I'm also the reason he's here. You see... it was I who brought him to London for the first time. My wife was British and we were leaving for the summer. I invited young Ben along so he could continue his studies.”

Rey turned towards Ben, eyes sparkling with glee at his misfortune. “Really? Well, I must admit it's nice to meet one of Ben's friends.”

Ben shook his head. “I don't have friends. Lor is the bane of my existence,” he grumbled.

Lor’s lop-sided smirk was more than enough proof that he was ready to start trouble. “It's true, I've made it my mission in life to torment him. Now tell me, my dear, what on earth are you doing with the likes of him? Can't be his charm that lured you by his side, he hasn't got any.”

He had to nip this thing in the bud before things got worse. “It's not what you think... she's inspiration for a new character,” Ben told him. He nervously ran a hand through his hair as Lor’s eyes stared him down. Ben knew that look. It was not a good look.

Lor turned back to Rey, looking so sweet and innocent, but the wheels were already turning. He was drawing conclusions and thinking up creative schemes, always so sure he knew better. Some people became wise with age, but others just got older. Lor was most certainly part of the second group. “Ben, you've found yourself a _muse_?”

“She is a _consultant_. It's for the manuscript. They won't publish until I've appealed to a new demographic. They insist on romance. Rey’s assisting me with the rewrites.” It wasn’t completely accurate to their interactions, but telling Lor he’d asked Rey out for lunch to _talk_ would definitely give him the wrong idea.

Ben watched Tekka’s eyes light up. “Finally! I've been telling you that for years, Ben. A little romance never killed anyone! I can barely stand to read your books lately!” 

He’d heard it all before. They’d had the argument so many times, he’d lost count by now. “And I keep telling you that's not what I've envisioned for Kylo's future.”

“Ugh!” Lor waved a hand at Ben dismissively. “If you had it your way Kylo would die saving the world like every pathetic short story you made me proof-read for your creative writing classes. So gruesome and depressing! Rey, do be careful. He's an absolute buzzkill.”

Rey snorted, covering her mouth as she laughed, and Ben frowned as he realized she was almost in tears. She wouldn’t be so amused, if she knew what Lor was thinking. “Yes, I'm well aware,” she finally managed to assure him.

Lor affectionately touched her shoulder, leaning in. “Well, if you’re ever in need of moral support,” he paused to pull out his card, “don't hesitate to call me. I'm sure my wife would love to meet you... especially once I tell her Ben's got a girlfriend.”

There was it was. It didn’t take long at all. Tekka knew very well, Rey was not his girlfriend. It was all a fucking act, damn him. “Lor, I have known her for like two days! This is purely professional. I'm paying her.” Ben resisted the urge to grab the card and tear it to pieces. “Rey, don't take the card. He's the Devil.”

Rey took special care to look Ben in the eye when she accepted Lor’s card, stuffing it in her pocket.

Ben groaned, turning his hard stare towards Lor. He was _not_ going to forget this. “Don't say I didn't warn you, Rey.”

Lor clasped his hands together, happily. “I insist both of you come to dinner next Saturday. My wife is an exquisite cook.”

“That sounds lovely, thank you!”

Ben’s eyebrows shot up, shaking his head desperately. “Wait no! I’m not doing that! Lor, I swear to god if you tell my parents I'm in a relationship-“

“I better be off!” Lor interrupted, backing away from them. “Don't let this old man spoil your date.”

He was going to _kill_ him. “Not a date, Lor!” he insisted, but Tekka was already turning around and waving as he walked away. Ben cursed under his breath while Rey laughed. He couldn’t believe this. When he turned to glare at Rey, she simply shrugged.

“What? I like him....”

He barely knew a thing about her. She was practically a stranger to him. This was just supposed to be research. She was getting paid to share her stories and ideas. This crossed a line. He knew he hadn’t really given much thought to their boundaries, but this definitely crossed a line. “I'm not going to that dinner.” 

“Yes you are, Ben,” Rey countered, folding her arms and mirroring his stance.

Ben leaned down, trying to look intimidating. “He's only doing this because I killed his character off early in the series. He's trying to fuck with me.”

“We go or the deal is off, and you get to finish that manuscript without my help.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed. She wouldn’t dare. “I’ve known you for barely a day. Lor is practically family. He’s inviting you over because he… he…”

“He what, Ben?” she pressed, a challenge in her eyes.

He was so fucked. Ben straightened and ran both hands through his hair. This was a waste of his time. If she didn’t get what was happening, he wasn’t about to explain it to her. He had a feeling, though, that she knew exactly what Lor was doing. She was fucking with him too. Damn her. He started walking back towards the way they came, eyes focused ahead, teeth clenched angrily. “I'm fucking starving, can we please get _real_ food now?!” he snapped.

Rey rushed after him, not even bothered by his darkening mood. “I have a craving for pizza.”

“We just had ice cream.” He was starting to wonder if Rey even knew what ‘nutrition’ meant. “You need proper nutrition, Rey.”

Rey huffed. “So I'll order toppings with veg... that’s a perfectly balanced meal.”

Ben shook his head, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Not even close.”

*******

Rey was staring again, but he knew why this time. He was brooding. This day had been a fucking disaster, and he couldn’t stop thinking about what Lor might be up to. This wouldn’t be the first time he’d pulled something like this. The man was a stubborn asshole. He was determined to see Ben married, or at least dating someone, as if that was the only possible way he could ever be happy. It sure as hell hadn’t worked out very well for his parents, or for Tekka for that matter. The man was already on his fourth marriage. Pretty soon he’d be able to start a whole village with just his ex-wives. Rey may have found the whole exchange amusing, but eventually she’d realize it wasn’t a fucking joke. “You’re angry with me.”

That snapped Ben out of his thoughts quickly, and when he saw the worry in her eyes, he immediately deflated. “No Rey… not you. Lor just… you don’t know him like I do. He thinks he knows what’s best for me. My parents too. This is exactly why I left New York!” He rubbed his face and took a breath. “I envy you, Rey.” 

“Please don’t.” Her voice sounded so small, and when Ben’s hand fell and he took in her face, he was astounded to see Rey’s eyes grow dim. “Please don’t envy me.”

Her parents were dead, and he was a fucking asshole. Ben knew he should consider himself lucky. Sometimes he would picture his life different… growing up without a dad, or not having his Uncle Luke. He thought about all the opportunities he’d been given. The best schools. A private tutor that actually gave a damn, even if he was a bastard about it. His mother, she’d always tried her best to be there, even when the world demanded her elsewhere. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have said that.” Ben didn’t do apologies, but he said it anyway. Rey was looking down at her food, picking at the pizza, removing the mushrooms he’d insisted they get. “Look… I’m an idiot. You didn’t need very long to figure that out. In my defense, most of my family are also idiots. It’s a family trait.”

He caught a twitch in the corner of her mouth. Ben couldn’t stand seeing her upset, it was eating at him. He felt like he’d just killed a star, or something. All the brightness from her face was falling to a lower contrast, sucked away into the black hole that was his attitude. Rey was looking up at him through her lashes again, idly holding onto a floppy piece of mushroom. “Would it really be so terrible if your family thought we were dating?”

Ben immediately looked away from her, finding himself slightly agitated by the question. He didn’t want to answer it. Wasn’t even sure he knew how to answer it. “We barely know each other, Rey.”

“That’s the point in dating, Ben.”

Fuck. He’d never felt so uncomfortable in his life. This wasn’t the way he’d thought this conversation would go. It wasn’t like he didn’t see her interest in him, how she would tease him and push his boundaries. He’d be blind not to notice. Ben was certainly attracted to her, and he knew he couldn’t deny that. This was supposed to be professional. He needed to focus on the re-writes for his book. Romance and dating were a waste of his fucking time. It would screw up everything. “Trust me, I’m trying to protect you. You don’t want to get mixed up with my family. It’s messy and exhausting. They would eat you alive.”

Rey rolled her eyes, still fighting the smile he yearned for. He was getting closer though. She was biting at her lip. “Whatever you say.”

“Fine, don’t believe me, but just think about it, Rey. Look how I turned out.” He gestured to himself, as if to present all the evidence.

Her eyes took him in, her lips starting to curl, but it wasn’t enough. “You make a good point. You are a bit of a handful. I honestly don’t have a clue how I’ll endure while you’re re-writing your manuscript. I mean… thank god, I’m at least getting paid.”

Ben extended his hand towards her, emphasizing his point. “Exactly! My parents raised a monster… an absolute bastard. You want nothing to do with that.”

Rey nodded, dropping the mushroom. “Yes well… you are truly my knight in shining armor, Ben Solo! Thank you!”

“You’re welcome, Rey… anytime.”

Her smile was widening and so was his. When they stared back at each other they broke into fits of laughter. She was back to her old self again, sufficiently distracted from his idiocy. Ben was relieved to hear that laugh again, like fucking honey. His focus blurred as Kira Rey’s face appeared in his mind with those same bright eyes, and a beautiful smile. Ben’s certain that when Kylo sees her, he’ll forget himself, forget everything he was trying to accomplish. He’d be just as curious about Kira as Ben was about Rey. Kylo Ren would behave like a god damn buffoon in her presence, and he’d be haunted by one simple question. _‘Did she feel it too?’_

Rey reached for the only available napkin on the table, which happened to be beside his hand. Ben felt her fingers touch his as she pulled it back and used it to wipe tomato sauce from her hands. His fingers twitched from the residual burning that never seemed to go away. Now it was him who was staring. He couldn’t seem to stop. “Rey… tell me a secret.”

“A secret?” she questioned, biting at her lip. “What kind of secret?”

“A secret for Kira… something Kylo Ren would want to know.”

Her eyes were searching his now, as if trying to figure out what he really wanted, but he was sure he’d been perfectly clear. She was supposed to be his inspiration, after all. Eventually, Rey inhaled deeply, holding it a little too long before it was released in a rush. “A secret… okay. Kira Rey… the girl you envision for Kylo. She doesn’t sleep. She tries to, but she mostly just tosses and turns. Sometimes she can manage a few hours, but it isn’t nearly enough.”

“Why doesn’t she sleep?” Ben asked her, head tilted to the side as he leaned back in his chair.

He saw her hesitation, and he knew for a fact she wasn’t talking about Kira Rey. “Because… it’s at night that she realizes just how lonely she is.”

The words make his chest tighten, and his breathing felt shallow. “Wanna know a secret about Kylo?” She nodded, looking away from him as she dropped her napkin. He waited till she met his gaze to speak. “Kylo doesn’t sleep either.” He wasn’t sure why he’d told her that, but he knew he didn’t regret it. Those secrets felt important… to the story. Kylo and Kira’s story. 

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re staring.”

“Not staring, I’m _thinking_ ,” he maintained, stubbornly.

“What about?” she questioned. He could tell she was playing with the sleeves of her cardigan under the table, and he wondered if that was why she wore them, to satisfy idle hands. 

The word slipped out before he could think. It didn’t even register as his mind drifted to tension-filled scenes between Kylo and Kira. “Romance….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lor San Tekka was wasted. I really wanted to see more of him, and when he was killed off in the movie I was very disappointed. This chapter and others in the future will be how I cope. Haha!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't have much access to the internet this weekend, but it did give me the opportunity to write. I've been terribly busy, but I can't seem to sleep in (thanks a lot internal alarm clock), so I type away while everyone is still asleep. Enjoy this labor of love and don't forget to comment! :D
> 
> I suppose I should warn for a brief mention of mental illness, and institutions just in case it triggers anyone.

Ben was having writer’s block. The empty page was actually mocking him with empty spaces and broken ideas. Everything had been starting off so well. He’d been finishing chapters with an ease he rarely enjoyed since Sunday. His Saturday with Rey may have been a disaster, but his writing had never been better, and even he was a little impressed with the way Kira Rey was coming to life right before his eyes. She’d turned out so much better than he could have hoped for. He knew he was a little protective of Kylo Ren, but what writer wouldn’t be? He wasn’t just a character to Ben. Kylo was something that _lived_ inside him, deep within the darkest parts of his soul. Their relationship was symbiotic and cleansing.

The expression of his psyche through writing was a complicated therapy. Sometimes it was freeing, and other times it felt damning. He would read his own chapters and see something ugly in the words. The first book he ever wrote about Kylo Ren was the story of a villain. It ended with the man killing his own father and falling into a despair that would change his life forever. By the second book Kylo was desperate for redemption, but haunted by the wicked act that broke apart his family, and burned away his sanity. With each book that followed he saved more lives, but the ghost of his father never left him, and that reminder was what kept him going even when he was in agony. The subject was dark and grotesque.

Yet somehow, people identified with Kylo’s character in a way Ben had never expected. They saw Ren’s pain and applied it to their own. He’d read emails and letters from fans who bared their souls to Ben, praising his prowess as a writer, and his character as their own personal hero. Sometimes it felt like a burden when he wrote, because he knew it had impact. He wanted to do right by Kylo Ren, and now there was a new character to figure out. Kira Rey was blending seamlessly into his story, easier than Ben had anticipated. She was a thousand times better than what Kylo deserved, and yet somehow their exchanges were perfect and natural. A romance had never been part of the plan, but Kira was giving Kylo a depth Ben had never considered before. His character was growing, changing, and for the first time since writing his series, Ben hadn’t a clue what would happen next. He didn’t have a plan. The characters were taking over this story… or at least they had been, until today.

Ben sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes closed as he tried to think. He’d been stuck in his apartment for several days. Perhaps a little distance was what he needed? It was Friday, and late enough in the day that he could only hope Rey might be free. They’d been emailing through the week. He’d sent her pages and asked her opinion about a few things. When Ben made Kira seem too perfect or pure, it was Rey that would remind him that she was human. Her insights had served him well, and her commentary often made him smile when his mood darkened. His eyes drifted to the box sitting on his desk (which had finally been delivered two days ago without a scratch along with the rest of his furniture). He hadn’t unpacked everything, so his office was filled with larger boxes, but there was one very small box that he’d set aside. He’d bought the item Monday morning, and done absolutely nothing with it since then.

At the time it had seemed like a good idea. He had a disposable income, and it wasn’t much money, but gifts felt like he might be crossing some invisible line. Rey wasn’t just some silly girl that had gotten him locked on a fucking roof. She was the inspiration for Kira Rey, his main character’s new love interest, and it seemed reasonable to assume that he’d need her for other books in the future. The gift had been for practicality more than anything else, but he couldn’t deny his desire to talk to her with more ease than email allowed. 

At night he found himself lying in bed thinking about her, wishing he could ask her about her day, or tell Rey about some changes he’d made to Kira’s backstory. It was mostly a mystery for now. He hadn’t revealed who her parents were, or where she’d originally come from. Most of what Kylo knew about her was recent, but he’d managed to learn her secret in the last chapter he’d been working on. He knew Kira was lonely, and she knew that so was he. To anyone else it may not have seemed significant, but to Ben it was the building blocks that would lead to their inevitable love story. Wasn’t that how love always began? With two lonely people?

Ben reached for the small box and left his desk. Rey had told him to stop by any time after three o’clock since he couldn’t call ahead first. It looked like a nice enough day, but Ben grabbed his grey sweater just in case, and headed out. He made sure to stop somewhere to get coffee first before walking back to Gloucester tube station. This time when he entered the small car and felt the lurch forward as the train moved, his heart beat a little faster. His eyes were focused on the box in his hand, still debating whether he should return it, or actually give it to Rey. It shouldn’t have been a big deal. It wasn’t like he’d bought her jewelry or something. It wasn’t some fucking romantic gesture. It was _practical_. It was _necessary_. So why did he feel so fucking awkward about giving it to her?

He exited at Elm tube station and made the walk to Rey’s place, already having memorized how to get there. He arrived a lot faster than the first time, his steps more sure, and his mind on autopilot as if he’d been walking to Rey’s for years. When he knocked on the door, it swung open almost before he could lower his arm. Ben froze. It wasn’t Rey staring back at him, but another young woman, Asian, with black rimmed glasses. She was wearing a large black hoodie and sweatpants, and looked half dead if the dark circles around her eyes were any indication. “You must be, Ben.”

“Uhhh yeah… you must be Rey’s roommate?”

She nodded, and stepped aside to let him in. She walked away from the door like a fucking zombie. “Rey! Your boyfriend’s here!”

Ben rolled his eyes, and any sympathy he’d had for the young woman disappeared. He heard Rey laugh softly as her roommate shuffled past her door. “No need to be cheeky, just because you’re tired!” He watched as the roommate entered her bedroom and shut the door, without a response, and Rey came flying out of hers with a wide smile to greet Ben with. “Don’t mind, Rose… she’s just gotten off from a long shift at the hospital.”

“Doctor?”

Rey nodded. Today, she was wearing dark grey lounge pants, and a light grey long sleeve shirt that was cut high to show off her stomach. He was starting to get used to Rey’s fashion choices, and it was a little easier not to let his eyes drift too long. “How’s the manuscript coming along?” She walked over to the kitchen counter and fill a kettle with water from the sink, while Ben leaned against the counter, feeling slightly more comfortable in his surroundings. “Would you like some tea?”

“No thanks, had some coffee earlier. The story’s going well, but I was having a bit of writer’s block and I thought a change of scenery might do me some good.”

Rey put the kettle on the small electric base, and flipped the switch so it could boil. Ben didn’t miss the way her lips twitched with a subtle smile before she lifted her gaze to his. “What did you have in mind?”

He could feel the small box press into his right hip as it sat in the large pocket of his sweater. She was asking him what he wanted to do, and Ben was only now realizing he hadn’t thought that far ahead. His mind had been so focused on her gift and whether he should give it to her, he’d never actually considered how he wanted to spend the rest of the day. All he’d really been sure of is that he wanted to see her. “Uh… honestly, I’m hoping you might come up with something. I am supposed to be learning more about _you_ after all. I can’t be certain what might spark an idea in developing Kira Rey’s background and motivations. So you tell me? What would you like to do?”

He caught her chewing at her lip as always, surprised by how endearing the habit had become to him. She was staring up at him with unfocused eyes, and he tried to ignore his discomfort, waiting patiently for once in his life. He could hear noise from the electric kettle as the water began to boil, and he glanced over towards it waiting for Rey to notice. Thankfully, the damn thing was on a timer, and switched off automatically. Ben had been seconds away from turning it off himself.

“Uh Rey?”

“Right… yeah,” said Rey as she turned towards the kettle and poured herself a cup. There was already a tea bag in her mug. The smell of honey and mint was quite pleasant, and he almost regretted not accepting her offer to have some… _almost_. He wasn’t fond of tea, having grown up in a household of coffee drinkers, although his mother would drink it on occasion. Rey looped her fingers into the handle, holding it like it was something precious, and took a careful sip. He noticed she hadn’t put anything in it. She seemed to like her tea plain, a surprise considering her worrying addiction to sugar. “There is one place. Technically, it’s a construction zone, but I’d actually love to show you something.”

“You want to take me to a construction zone?” Well, that was certainly unexpected. Normal people would just ask about an early dinner or a late lunch. With women he was inclined to assume they preferred shopping, but that also felt a little sexist, and he was trying not to be a _complete_ asshole. He wasn’t around enough women to avoid ignorance. Still, it had certainly been a beloved pastime for his mother.

Rey took a deep breath as steam rose from her mug, leaning forward for yet another sip, and he wondered how she could bare it. That tea _had_ to be burning her tongue. “Oh come on, Ben… you don’t fancy a bit of adventure?”

“How is being led to a construction zone an adventure?”

“Well, it’s a warehouse, but it’s being remodeled.”

Ben folded his arms, watching her take another drink. She savored each sip like it was a gift from the gods, and he smirked every time she would release a content sigh. “Oh… a warehouse! That’s much better! Now it’s not just a construction zone, it’s potentially the location of my inevitable murder.”

“Don’t tempt me, Ben.”

Ben eyes narrowed suspiciously, while his lips curled in a wicked smile. “Why exactly would you want to take me to a warehouse?”

Rey shrugged. “If you don’t want to go, I won’t force you.”

Avoidance. He knew what she was doing. She didn’t want to tell him anything more, so she was appealing to his natural curiosity. He hated surprises, and he certainly didn’t appreciate going anywhere blind. His parents once threw him a surprise party when he was sixteen, and he had an anxiety attack in front of over a hundred people that he barely knew. He spent an entire month being mocked by half his fellow schoolmates, and pitied by the other half. Needless to say, he was not fond of surprises. “Okay, I’ll bite. Show me.” 

The smile she flashed him was so positively mischievous, he almost reconsidered. That smile was never a good sign. She put down the mug and practically bounced to her bedroom. “Let me just get dressed then!”

*******

They’d been forced to take a taxi from Upney tube station because it was a bit too far to walk to Thames road in Barking. The closer they’d gotten to their destination, the stronger his urge had been to return to civilization. Warehouses and churches were littered all along the street, and the entire area was gritty and dark. Ben paid for the ride as Rey yanked on his hand and presented the warehouse as if it were something majestic and beautiful… instead of a complete dump. He watched the cab drive off with look of yearning. He had no fucking clue what he was doing here.

The large red sign that announced it was once involved in recycling was almost off its hinges, and most of the front entrance was boarded up and spray painted with creative ways to write the word ‘fuck you.’ The brick was painted grey and chipping, and frankly the neighborhood didn’t impress him very much… it was creepy as fuck. “It looks like shit.”

“Of course it looks bad _now_! It’s still being remodeled. It was only just recently purchased.”

“By who?”

“A good friend of mine who wants to fix it up and rent out a space for my work. I was lucky, you see. Most people spend their entire life creating art that no one’s ever going to see, but Maz Katana was a friend of my parent’s before they died. When she learned what I did for a living she started buying some of my work. I didn’t remember her, but she remembered me.”

“Maz Katana? THE Maz Katana?” Ben was impressed. It seemed he wasn’t the only person Rey knew with certain connections. Maz was practically royalty. She owned a fucking castle somewhere in southern England, and was one of the most influential women in the country. She wasn’t just wealthy. She was well beyond that, everything she invested in seemed to turn into gold, and Katana was the kind of woman who earned respect with ease. Hell, even the Queen would invite Maz Katana to cream teas on occasion. His mother and Maz had been friends for nearly a decade, and the fact that Rey knew her gave him chills. “How the hell did your parents know her?”

Rey shrugged. “I don’t really know, and she’s never been inclined to discuss it. She’s a bit mysterious whenever we talk about my family. I _think_ it’s possible my mother worked for her once. We used to live in Westminster until they died.”

He’d thought she was just a girl once. A struggling artist. He’d expected a rundown flat and noisy neighbors. He’d anticipated parents that just struggled from paycheck to paycheck. This was the same girl that’d once told him she enjoyed dumpster diving, and had started as a teenager in order to collect some of her materials for sculptures. She ate nothing but junk food like she’d been starved as a child. Rey’s uncle had her living in a space no bigger than the taxi they’d just exited. 

Now his mind was reeling as he realized her past wasn’t as ordinary as he’d pictured. In fact, many of his assumptions about her were often dead wrong. Much like his own books, her life was full of twists and turns he had never anticipated, creating in him a strong desire to learn every detail of Rey’s past. He wasn’t used to this, to being surprised by someone’s story. Most people were so boring. Rey wasn’t ‘most people.’ 

“Would you like to see inside?”

Ben frowned. “That depends. Is it just as shitty inside as it looks on the outside?”

Rey rolled her eyes, grasping his hand again. He wasn’t sure when she’d decided _that_ was okay, but he didn’t pull away from her. He didn’t mind the tingling in his hand so much, though her thumb sliding over his knuckle did strange things to his breathing patterns. The doors were also boarded up, and for some reason pushed inwards instead of out. There was a chain keeping them together, but Rey had a key to the lock, and made quick work of removing it. She grunted and shoved at the doors that obviously hadn’t been opened in a while, and slipped into the dark building, waving him inside. Ben hesitated, turning around towards the street before he followed after Rey. He had a really bad feeling about this.

It was dark with all the windows boarded up, so there wasn’t much to see until Rey flipped a switch and a few lights flickered on. It wasn’t especially big, but the space certainly had potential for Rey’s work. He could see where they’d already reconfigured things so she’d have a fire handy when she needed to reshape metal, and some of the area looked to be dedicated towards glasswork. Piles of unused bricks and bags of concrete were everywhere, and not much had been done to make the place look like a pleasant environment, but he suspected Rey would have a say in the design if she’d been given a key by Katana.

“I haven’t told anyone about this yet… not even Finn,” she confessed as she turned to look at him. “I’ve had a few art museums request to display my work.”

Rey’s eyes were sparkling with excitement, and he couldn’t stop himself from getting caught up. He remembered the day he learned his first book was being published, that rush, knowing that something he’d created would now be shared with the world. He’d always had money, but this would be his _own_ success, something he’d earned. For Rey she was starting from nothing and making a name for herself, and it didn’t matter who helped her along the way, because obviously she deserved it. Maz Katana didn’t believe in handouts.

The ceilings were nothing but steel frames that looked slightly rusted, the walls were torn down and the space opened up so they could create a new floor plan, and the smell of sawdust filled the air. This place was important to Rey, and he was honored that she’d chosen to share it with him. “It still looks like shit, but I’m happy for you Rey. I really am.”

She rolled her eyes, smiling wide. “You just can’t help yourself, can you?”

“What?”

“It’s like someone made a dish sweet and savory. You’re so full of back-handed compliments, and this genuine sarcasm.”

“Genuine sarcasm isn’t even a thing, Rey.”

“No, it’s not, but somehow you pull it off anyway.” Her expression was thoughtful when she talked about him, which was new for Ben. Usually whenever anyone was discussing his personality traits exasperation was about the only thing they were capable of feeling. “You’re just so… so… gray.”

“Gray?”

“Not black and not white… something in the middle. I never know what to expect,” she admitted. “I uh… I’ve been reading your books, Ben. I know I didn’t really get it at first, but I feel like maybe it’s the only way I will ever understand you.”

Ben stiffened at her confession, and a wave of nervousness and surprise made his stomach do flips. The fact that she felt the need to understand him at all was unexpected. Not even his parents had been eager to make that effort. Both his mother and father had been the first to buy his books, but he knew for a certainty neither had ever read them. It was probably for the best. Having a son that wrote about patricide wasn’t exactly going to give them warm, fuzzy feelings. “Wouldn’t it just be easier to look at my mother’s interviews? They did a whole spread on Vanity Fair about my family.”

Rey shook her head. “In interviews you tell people what you want them to hear. In books you tell people what _you_ want to say.” Ben had never heard it articulated quite that way. She had a point, and at least he’d gotten one thing right, Rey was a clever girl. She saw through bullshit. It was why he’d never bothered to hide anything from her. His life wasn’t that much of a mystery. He’d lived in the spotlight too long for that. However, the way he lived and how he felt about the way he lived were two very different things. 

Ben kept his distance because he didn’t trust conversations like this. He was in constant danger of doing something he knew he’d regret later. Whatever connection he and Rey shared, it was starting to matter to him, and he wasn’t about to screw that up just because of a little sexual tension. “What do you think?”

“About what?” she asked, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.

“What do you think of Kylo Ren?”

Rey frowned, her eyes dark in the low lighting. Her rainbow sweater and bright blue jeans were such a contrast to the gritty warehouse. Her toe kicked at a stray brick mindlessly, watching it roll on it’s side. Eventually, she met his gaze with a tired sigh. “I really don’t know what to think.”

Ben’s eyes never left hers as he walked over to a wooden bench and hopped on top of it, brushing aside a pencil and tape measure that had been left behind. Rey twisted her neck, tracking him, waiting for him to say something. Maybe she was hoping he would explain himself or give her some insight that would make her little investigation into his psyche easier. He didn’t mind sharing the secrets everyone already knew. “My grandfather… on my mother’s side… he was the inspiration for Kylo Ren.”

“Really?” Rey moved over to the bench and hopped beside him. Together they stared out at the dingy surroundings, and he was grateful that she’d chosen to keep some distance between them. It made it so much more difficult to think when his body was being assaulted by her touch.

“Anakin Skywalker was a soldier back in World War Two. Joined the fight the moment he turned eighteen, and watched almost everyone he cared about die, but somehow he always made it through. He was highly respected because there were several battles that would have been lost if not for him. My grandfather was fearless, one of the best pilots you could ever imagine. People saw him as a war hero. About a year before the war ended he was captured and tortured. Whatever happened to him… whatever he saw… he came home with more than just a few scars on his face. Eventually, there was a rescue, but he was in pretty bad shape. The nurse that took care of him, her name was Padme, and they fell in love and got married after the war ended. They were very much in love for many years. He was happy, did better than most despite the things he’d seen… and then his wife told him they were pregnant. I’m told it was the best day of his life, that he was so excited about being a father. Unfortunately, things went wrong, as they so often do… his wife died in childbirth. Too many complications and she bled out, went into shock, there was nothing anyone could do to save her. Anakin spiraled. He couldn’t take losing her. He’d survived a god damn war, but losing the woman he loved was the thing that _broke_ him.”

When Ben finally turned to look at Rey he realized there were tears in her eyes. He hated seeing her cry, but somehow it gave him comfort that she actually cared. His grandfather’s story was a tragedy, but sometimes Ben felt like he was alone in his grief over what might have been. “What happened to your mother and your uncle?”

“Foster care for a while. My mom got adopted by a wealthy family. Not long after that my grandfather’s step brother found out what happened. He took my Uncle Luke, but it was years before he managed to track down my mother. Most of the adoption records were burned in a fire. My mom and her brother didn’t reunite until they were teenagers.”

“That’s awful!” Rey complained, fiddling with the sleeves of her rainbow sweater. “What about Anakin Skywalker?!”

“Well Rey… you have to understand… having a parent with a mental disorder was a bit taboo back then… and now really. They did try to find out what institution he was put in, but by the time my uncle found him he was dying of cancer. My mom never met him. I think she was ashamed. She’d been raised with all the privileges that came with being a politician’s daughter and Anakin Skywalker was… well, he was an embarrassment. When I found out about my grandfather, I guess I got a little angry, because I couldn’t understand why she refused to talk about him. It was like she wanted to erase any connection she had to the man simply because he was broken. It wasn’t right. His story inspired me to write my first novel about Kylo Ren.”

He’d told the story before in interviews. Ben’s mother may have been ashamed of Anakin Skywalker, but he never would be. He’d dedicated his book to the memory of a war hero, and donated half of his earnings to research for soldiers with PTSD. Somehow it felt awkward telling Rey about his grandfather, like what he was sharing was far too intimate. It didn’t matter that she could literally read it in a magazine, because now Rey was staring at him differently. Instead of the usual curiosity or amusement, he saw something that looked like admiration, and it shook him. No one had ever looked at him like that before.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Ben… but I’m a little glad I locked us up on that roof last week.”

Ben tried to look insulted, but it was hard to do when he was smiling. “Don’t take this the wrong way, Rey, but I think maybe we ought to put _you_ in an institution,” he teased. Ben slid off the bench and shoved his hands in his pockets. “Come on, let’s get the hell out of here. I’m hungry.”

Rey brightened. Her stomach was a bottomless pit, and he marveled at an appetite that so completely exceeded his own. “I’d kill for a burger right about now!”

He resisted the urge to sigh. “I refuse to let you poison me with your poor life choices. I’m picking the restaurant this time.”

She was walking towards the door with him right behind her, practically skipping with excitement. “Oh relax, Ben! One burger won’t kill you!” 

Ben watched her tug on the door, but it didn’t budge. He immediately stilled, heart skipping a beat as she tugged harder. Rey glanced up at it, biting her lip, and he knew they were in trouble. “Rey, I swear to god if you got us trapped in this damn hellhole-”

“It’s just rusted! That’s all! Give me a minute.” She used both hands this time, but still nothing. 

“Let me do it!”

“No, I’ve got it!”

Ben reached for the door anyway, just as she gave it one last tug. Seconds later something fast and sharp was swinging towards his right eye before he could move out of the way, and Ben saw stars. “FUCK!” he wailed loudly.

“Omg Ben! Are you okay?! I told you I could get it open!” Rey cried, turning back towards him as he staggered away. Ben was left stunned as his palm covered his eye. The right side of his face was _throbbing_ , and he couldn’t open the eye. Even his skull felt cracked from the impact of the door. “Shit! Your eye is bleeding!”

Rey’s words sent him into an instant panic as he pulled his hand away and saw there was, indeed, blood. Lots of blood. In fact… his hand was covered in blood. “Fuck,” he breathed as the world seemed to start spinning. Ben was in agony. “That’s… I… fuck.” 

“Ben?! Ben are you okay?! I am so sorry! Please don’t faint!”

He could barely hear her now as his vision in the good eye left him dizzy. He felt like he was losing feeling in his limbs. He couldn’t think, stuck in a state of confusion, and the world just continued to fade away. “I’m… I’m okay,” he croaked even as he dropped like a rock.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At this point, I don't know who the walking disaster is... Ben or Rey. I'll let you decide in the comments. lol


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, you guys! I'm back from my trip and I'm updating things! Yay!

The last thing he’d expected to wake up to was a hospital bed, but he supposed he should have. It didn’t seem likely that he’d ever enjoy a day with Rey that didn’t end in disaster. Someone was shining a light in his working eye, while the other was covered with some sort of fabric. He recalled the black rimmed glasses, and realized it was Rey’s roommate, Rose, who was currently blinding him. His head felt like it’d been stuffed with cotton, and it was just barely softening the throbbing pain.

“Welcome back, Mr. Solo,” she greeted him, sounding a lot more cheerful than she had earlier at her flat. She even managed a half-smile that made the corners of her eyes wrinkle under the glasses.

Rey’s face was the next thing to enter his vision, her eyes wide with concern and possibly guilt. “Oh thank god! I was terrified I’d cause some sort of brain damage or something….”

“Rey, you hit him in the face with a door. He doesn’t even have a concussion.” That sounded a lot like Finn’s voice. What the hell was Finn doing in a hospital?

“You didn’t see all the blood gushing from his face! By the time you’d arrived, most of the bleeding was slowing down!” Rey argued, sounding especially defensive and tense.

Ben was starting to reach new levels of awareness. He was in a hospital gown, and someone was holding his hand. He was pretty sure it was Rey’s hand clutching him. Her fingers were so small. Rose’s flashlight was finally finished assaulting his good eye, and she shoved it in the breast pocket of her white coat. She still looked tired as fuck, and he could see dark circles under her eyes even with the glasses to block his view. The white noise of beeps and murmured voices outside his hospital room was almost enough to drown out Finn and Rey’s arguing. Neither seemed to notice that he’d yet to actually speak. Apparently, just opening his eyes… well, **eye** … was enough to settle their concerns for his well-being.

“How do you feel?” Rose asked, ignoring how high Rey’s voice got when Finn teased her about slamming Ben’s head against the car door as they’d tried to stuff him in the back. His lips pressed into a pronounced frown, and he decided it was best not to ask questions about how he’d gotten to Rose’s hospital.

“I feel like I’ve been physically abused by this scatterbrained girl I met on a building rooftop…” he grumbled, too sore to attempt a glare, especially with half his face taped up.

“I am not scatterbrained! You’re the arse who wouldn’t just patiently wait for me to get the door open!” Rey argued. He noticed she still hadn’t let go of his hand. If anything, she seemed to clutch it even tighter. She was sitting on his bed at his knees, while Rose stood beside his head. He couldn’t sit up, but Finn’s voice made it sound like maybe he was sitting in a chair nearby.

“What happened?” Ben tilted his head to the side on the fluffy pillow, ignoring Rey completely. He could just make out Finn’s face through the hospital bed’s plastic railing, but Rose shifted and soon blocked his view completely.

The doctor’s lips curled into a smile. “Rey called me and Finn after you fainted-”

“I didn’t faint… I passed out,” Ben interrupted.

“Oh please! He saw all that blood on his hand and fainted,” she told her roommate. “Never seen anything like it. Just dropped like a wounded gazelle.”

He almost pulled his hand away from her, but he was far too tired to bother. “Well you try it! I was bleeding from my face, Rey! You _fucking_ cut my face!” It probably would have sounded a lot more harsh if his mouth wasn’t so dry, making his voice raspy and weak. As it was, she didn’t seem bothered in the least by his attitude.

“Oh relax! You weren’t _that_ handsome to begin with!” she teased. “At least the scar gives you character!”

That little response was the last straw, and he finally mustered up the strength to pull his hand from her grasp in retribution, satisfied to see her face fall. She actually had the nerve to look upset at the loss of contact. Ben was starting to wonder if they’d given him the good drugs for his pain. Their interactions were getting stranger by the second. Any minute a rabbit would hop past him complaining about how late he was for tea.

“Wow Rey, first you bash the guy’s head in, and now you damage his ego. I know he’s an asshole sometimes, but even **I** think that’s a little messed up,” remarked Finn.

“I am not _damaging_ his ego! It’s called banter! I’m trying to distract him from what I did to his face!” Rey replied, haughtily.

Ben had been in the hospital at least four times in his life. Once at his birth (obviously). A second time when he fell off his bike and broke his arm. The third time was after a particularly bad fight at school in which he’d beaten up half the male students in his class, and broken his hand in the process. And finally the last time was in college when he’d gotten drunk and tried to impress some fucking girl by jumping out of a window onto a mattress… effectively breaking both his legs. Each and every situation had ended in a hospital visit, but he couldn’t remember ever having so many people in the same room with him. 

His father hated hospitals; he hadn’t even made it in time for Ben’s birth because his flight was delayed due to bad weather. His mother had been out of the country for everything _but_ his birth, so it was Han Solo to the rescue when he’d broken his arm. His father spent most of the time eating junk food from the vending machine, and nervously asking the doctor if it was possible to keep this from Ben’s mother, for fear that she’d ban him from riding bikes. The third time was with Uncle Luke, who calmly talked to the doctor while assuring Ben that there would be hell to pay when they returned home. The fourth time, it was Lor San Tekka fussing over him. That hospital visit had ended with Lor laughing his ass off once Ben was sober enough to tell him what happened.

When he titled his head a little more he could see Rose roll her eyes and huff at Rey, who was busy assuring her best friend that the only asshole in this hospital room was Finn. The noise was doing terrible things to his already aching head, but he still found himself smiling. These strange people thrown into his life barely knew a thing about him, but they actually seemed _worried_. They’d waited for him to wake up, and with one glance at the clock, he realized it’d been at least a couple hours since he’d passed out. He wondered for the briefest of moments if this was what it was like to have real friends, and then promptly dispersed the notion. They were just good people, would probably have done it for anybody, and Rey was on his fucking _payroll_. He was being ridiculous.

Rose turned back to Ben, leaning in close so as not to disturbed Finn and Rey’s squabbling. “It looks like you’ll have one hell of a bruise for a while, but your cornea wasn’t damaged. You were very lucky. There was a pretty bad cut over your eye and down your cheek. You needed stitches, but only a few. I’ll remove them myself in a few days. Head wounds always tend to bleed profusely, but it wasn’t quite as horrifying as it looked.”

Ben nodded. “Thanks, Doctor.”

She shook her head. “Just Rose… no need for formalities.” Rose leaned in a little closer, glancing back at Rey to make sure she was still distracted. “You know, you really scared the shit out of Rey. She’s not the type to get hysterical.”

Ben was sure Rose was exaggerating, but he nodded anyway. “She looks okay to me.”

One glance at Rey, and he almost laughed as her hands dropped to her hips. Finn must have said something pretty damn insulting. She looked furious. Rose actually _did_ laugh. “Finn’s not the only actor in our little group of misfits.”

When Ben looked back at Rose he could see something significant in her gaze, and it felt like a warning he should heed. Not everyone needed a mask like Kylo Ren’s to hide themselves, and he knew he’d just barely touched the surface of Rey’s character. Maybe it was more than money that had fueled her worry. It seemed impossible, but perhaps this strange girl genuinely enjoyed his company. It was one thing to find him attractive. Ben was never the heart-throb, but his massive figure and chocolate brown eyes had certainly given him notice around the opposite sex. Even when he was a gangly teen, his hair had been a source of great fascination. Girls would come up to him during lunch just to run their hands through his dark tresses, and despite his nervous disposition back then, he’d never resisted the attention.

Ben _knew_ Rey was attracted to him because he’d seen the looks, recognized those blown pupils for what they were. He understood what was being implied when a woman kept finding opportunities to touch him. He’d been intentionally trying to ignore her subtle advances for the sake of his story, and his own fucking sanity, but it wasn’t easy. Ben was an idiot, but he wasn’t _blind_. However, no one ever waited around a hospital in the hopes of eventually fucking him. No one ever held his hand while he slept for the sake of sex. Rey was reading his books because she was genuinely hoping to understand him better. She’d listened with rapt attention as he’d told her about his grandfather, even got emotional over a person she barely knew. It all had to mean something, didn’t it?

“I did _NOT_ disfigure Ben on purpose!”

Ben blinked, peering over at Rey’s face while Finn laughed hysterically. “Do I really look that bad?” he finally asked. His vanity had suffered enough blows over the years, and he was starting to get nervous. He made a grab for the hospital remote, adjusting his bed so he could sit up and see everyone better.

“Dude, your eye is the size of a grapefruit.” Finn could barely make it through the sentence without laughing. “She fucked you up.”

“The swelling will go down!” Rey turned to Ben, and the look in her eyes was pure panic. “Rose said you’d just have a small scar over your eye, but that was it!”

Ben was an asshole, and as such, a billion cruel thoughts formulated in his mind. Some thoughts dripped with sarcasm, while others cut deep and lacked real humor. For once, however, he was an asshole with a perfectly working filter. He’d never used one of those before, but obviously the pain medication was doing wonders for his disposition. “Fuck it, at least now my face finally matches my glowing personality.”

Rey’s smile nearly blinded Ben’s good eye, and a moment passed between them that he hesitated to analyze. Finn quickly ruined it by giggling. He fucking _giggled_. “I just realized Kylo Ren has a scar over his eye too. How did I not realize you are Kylo _fucking_ Ren right now?!”

“Keep laughing Finn, but just remember… the life of your character is in _my_ hands, and Kylo Ren isn’t beyond fucking him up.”

The threat worked wonders. Ben smiled as Finn’s laughter morphed into an ugly cough. “Asshole….”

*******

They were alone. Rose had removed the eye patch from his swollen eye before getting a nurse to draw up discharge papers. Finn was off to find vending machine snacks, but he must have gotten lost because it’d been at least thirty minutes. Rey was still sitting on his bed, so obviously struggling for something to say to fill the silence. Ben’s head still felt terrible, and the drugs made his head spin. He didn’t trust himself not to say something stupid in this state.

He felt slightly itchy and exposed in a hospital gown. His clothes sat on the chair Finn had vacated, his shirt and sweater stained with blood. Ben knew Rey’s gift still sat in the pile of clothes, quietly tormenting him, and he found himself even more conflicted about whether to give it to her. They’d known each other a week… a fucking week, but she was sitting on his bed in a hospital playing with the sleeves of her sweater. This strange connection between them was growing at an alarming rate. His passion for his work was bleeding into his fascination with Rey, and he’d bought her a fucking _gift_.

Maybe this was normal for most people, but not for Ben. When he was a kid he’d mostly stuck to himself. He’d had _one_ childhood friend that was just as anti-social as he was, and together they’d read books quietly and rarely spoken unless it was truly necessary. Dopheld Mitaka was the son of a diplomat, and fucking hated being away from home. His social anxiety made Ben Solo the perfect companion unless Ben got into a mood, but his friend endured a lot of shit from everyone. Ben knew he’d certainly given Mitaka hell once or twice.

They’d remained close friends until after graduation. Ben (a rich elit) had the choice of any university he wanted, but his mother went to Colombia, and he’d been half in love with New York all his life. Mitaka had been accepted to Berkeley, and the distance was more than enough to kill that friendship… or whatever the fuck people would call it. He’d been expected to join a frat, of course, same one as his adopted grandfather’s. The damn fraternity was practically named after the Organa’s. He’d hated every single person in that place, but he’d gotten a little better at hiding his distain. Ben focused on writing, and spent a lot of time with Lor because he’d been living in New York at the time. 

Throughout his life there’d been girls, and he’d always welcomed their attention a lot easier, but what straight teenager wouldn’t? As a young adult his interest in the opposite sex slowly diminished, replaced with a desire to tell a story inspired by his grandfather. Ben’s focus was singular, and writing was everything to him. Instead of dating, he spent his nights arguing with Lor about subtext and character development. They’d edit his short stories together and Lor was good at helping Ben flush out ideas. 

It had always taken years for him to develop any kind of connection with others… and the few women he _had_ decided were worth the effort soon grew tired of being put in second place. All the hard work soon made him a success, and Kylo Ren was born, but there’d been no one around to celebrate with. When he’d finally moved to London, he’d done so with no attachments and no friends. It hadn’t been difficult to leave it all behind because there was nothing _there_. 

Ben had known Rey a fucking week and she was sitting on his hospital bed. A _week_. He’d asked to use her as material for a character, but somehow he’d inserted himself into her circle of friends. A fucking _circle_. As in more than one. How the hell had this happened? It’d all started on that damned roof, and his head was spinning, because this was so far out of the norm. It was making him nervous, but not enough to walk away, because these people were becoming characters in his head. They were expanding his universe in a way he’d never imagined. Finn and Rose… friends of Kira Rey.

“Rey, can you hand me my sweater?”

Her eyes widened for a moment, yes surveying his condition intently. “Are you cold?”

“No… no, I just… I uh… I have something for you.”

“For me?” Rey looked skeptical. “It isn’t the number to your attorney or something? I swear it was an accident, and I know how much you Americans like to sue people.”

Ben knew she was half joking, and he attempted a wide smile despite the sore aching emanating from the right side of his face. “I haven’t decided what legal options to take yet. This is something else.”

Rey rolled her eyes and slid off the bed to grab his sweater from the chair, noticing the bulk in his pocket. “I saw this earlier when I was looking for your mobile to call Rose. This is for me?” she asked, pulling out the small box.

“Why were you looking for my cell?” Ben asked, confused.

Rey’s eyebrows lowered, eyes narrowing with a look that screamed, ‘ _don’t be a moron_.’ She walked back towards his bed and pushed his legs out of the way to make room from her. Ben had been hoping she’d just fucking sit in the chair. “How else was I going to call Rose and Finn after you fainted?”

“I passed out,” he insisted, sharply. “My phone is password protected. You don’t know the code.”

Rey shrugged. “Yes, but you’re also rich, and you can afford those delightful phones with the fingerprint scanner.”

Oh. Ben sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. “Just open the fucking box.” She did as she was told, though not without sending him a withering glare for growling at her. It was weird trying to watch her with just one eye, since his other was swollen shut, but he managed to catch her smile clear enough when she pulled out the fancy new cell phone he’d purchased just for her. “I’m rich, you know… so it even comes with one of those delightful fingerprint scanners.”

Rey turned to look at him, and a strange warmth spread through his chest. Her gaze was full of affection, and maybe a little amusement. “You didn’t have to do this, Ben. I would have replaced mine eventually.”

“Perhaps, but what if you get yourself stuck on top of another rooftop in the meantime? We can’t have that, can we? Besides, this gift is a tax write off. You’re my inspiration for Kira, and it’s important that my consultant be _available_ when I need to discuss important details on my manuscript.”

“There you go again… trying to ruin things. You bought me a gift because you’re a sweetheart.”

Ben almost choked on his own spit. “What did you call me?!”

“A sweetheart,” she repeated, speaking slowly as if his hearing were impaired.

“Take it back.”

“No.”

“Not even my mother would dare call me that,” he groused.

Rey set down the phone beside her on the bed and leaned in to him, dangerously close. Ben’s mouth immediately went dry, his good eye widening, and he forgot to breathe. She’d planted her hands by his hips, and he didn’t miss the way her stare darkened. She even glanced down at his lips for a moment. “Ben Solo, you may have a hard… slightly bitter outer shell, but inside… you are as soft as caramel. I’m on to you.”

His heart was practically convulsing inside his chest, and he wondered if it was possible he might be having a heart attack. The rush of blood filled his ears, and he swallowed audibly, which just made Rey smirk. He was so fucked. “I uh… I have a girlfriend.”

Ben wasn’t sure why the hell he’d said that, but at least Rey was backing away a little more, looking very confused. He could breathe again, think again… although that was a bit of a stretch when pain meds were doing terrible things to his already poor judgement. “You’ve never mentioned her.”

“It’s a long distance relationship… and you and I have only known each other a week.”

It seemed plausible enough, right? It certainly would explain why he retreated when she advanced. He could tell Rey was buying it. He was a writer. He could make up a story. It was literally what he did for a living. “What’s her name?”

Ben licked his lips, mind racing to think of something. “Bazine Netal.” The name was a fucking character from one of his stories. Couldn’t he have come up with something _normal_?! What was so terrible about a Rachel or Jessica?! _Damn it._

“You named a character after her?” Rey questioned, looking more curious than jealous. He wasn’t sure why that disappointed him.

“Of course… she’s my girlfriend.”

“You told me you never bothered with romantic relationships,” she reminded him, arms folded smugly.

Fuck. This was literally the stupidest thing he’d ever done. “I told you I don’t believe in serious relationships because it’s pointless,” he clarified with more confidence than he actually felt. “It’s a fucking disaster when you fall in love, and Bazine agrees with me… but I’m still a _man_ , Rey. I may not love her, but I have… _needs_.”

Rey turned away for a moment, looking down at her lap, and he knew he should be relieved. He wasn’t though. He wasn’t accustomed to lying to people. He may have been a lot of things, but he wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t relieved about hurting Rey. He just didn’t want her to get the wrong idea. She wanted something he could never give her. She was looking for love, romance, and little stuffed bears with heart eyes on anniversaries. Eventually, some guy was going to come along and crush her dreams, break her heart, but it wouldn’t be _him_. Ben didn’t want to be the asshole that fucked her up like that. He wanted… he wanted something else entirely. “You just said it was long distance. What’s the point in continuing now? I doubt she could fulfill any _needs_ from America.”

Ben truly hated himself. He loathed himself in ways no one else could ever understand. “My family owns private jets. If I want to fuck someone I can be there in hours… besides, she knows what we are. There’s never been any confusion. No mess.”

She nodded, refusing to look at him. Rey was idly picking at a piece of skin at the corner of her fingernails. “That sounds awfully empty, Ben.” Even her voice was too low. He didn’t understand why she looked so damned disappointed. She knew… she _knew_ how he felt about relationships. What did she expect? That she could fix him somehow? Show him the light? Teach him the magic of love and romance like some fucking romantic comedy?! 

“Look… Rey, not everyone needs romance to be happy in life. I’ve always been upfront with you, haven’t I?” Well, until now….

Rey nodded. “I suppose you have.”

“I know I told Lor you were just a consultant for my book, but I genuinely enjoy your company. I won’t deny that. I was really hoping… I mean, if it wouldn’t be too difficult… I was hoping you and I could be friends. Hell, it’s probably more than what I give Bazine.” Especially considering Bazine was fucking imaginary.

When she finally lifted her gaze to meet his, he’d worried she’d look angry or cold. What he saw instead shook him, and sped up his heart all over again. So much affection in those eyes. “Of course we’re friends, Ben. You think I’d bother brutally _scaring_ mere acquaintances?! That would be mad!”

Despite all the self-hatred swirling in his gut, Ben laughed. “Is this how you claim all your friends? Slamming a door in their face?”

“Oh no, I save that for only the _best_.”

“I’m honored.”

“You should be.”

An awkward silence settled between them, and Ben tried to shake the guilt and frustration creating tension in his body. He felt stiff and weary. His face was still protesting painfully, and he wanted nothing more than to go home. Worse yet… his hand itched to reach out and hold Rey’s. That was definitely new.

“Ben?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for the phone. I’ll try not to set this one on fire.”

Ben’s hands tightened into fists, and he exhaled harshly. She was smiling, but he couldn’t manage one in return. He was so fucked….

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did mention Ben was an idiot, right? Like... I made that clear? Good, cause this story is pretty much filled with his stupidity! Please send love in the form of comments or I will be forced to cry myself to sleep tonight! lol


	7. Chapter 7

Something didn’t quite seem right. He drifted in the void between unconsciousness and the waking world, warm and relaxed. More relaxed than he’d ever been, in fact. His mind conjured up strange images of arms wrapped around him, a small body tucked under his own arm, guiding him around like his legs weren’t working properly. _Rey._ Hadn’t he just had a dream about her? Perhaps more like a nightmare. He’d said stupid things and pushed her away again, so foolish of him. Her lips had been so close to his. 

When he thought about her now he returned to the dream. Her eyes drifting down to his lips, touched by his gift, and eager to thank him properly. One kiss. How would it feel? So easy to get lost in his extremely vivid imagination. His hands cupping her face, mouths meet and open, and she’s moaning like she wants so much more. He would do anything to feel her tongue curl around his own. Altering that odd dream with a far better fantasy. Why should Kylo Ren have all the fun?

Ben groaned, tilting his head deeper into his pillow. The sun was shining through his closed eyes, but he was desperate for just a few more minutes. He wasn’t ready. New days could wait at least an hour, couldn’t they? Even if they couldn’t, he’d make them wait anyway… but something odd was becoming noticeable. The warmth was moving… shifting against his back. His skin felt a gentle pressure on his hip, like an arm… no, it was… it **was** an arm. And the warmth behind him was a body. What the fuck?!

In a snap his eyes opened, twisting in the bed as he reached full awareness. Brown eyes met his own, and Ben screamed and shoved the body off of him with force, watching flailing limbs grip the sheets as the person crashed into his bedside table and onto the floor below. “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!”

Finn groaned as Ben leaned forward to stare down at the man, eyes wide, panting from the adrenaline rush. “My back… I think your stupid table broke my back!” he croaked.

“What in the name of-” Ben’s head snapped up just as Rey froze at the door. Her eyes lowered to Finn, and then back up at Solo. “What did you do?!”

“What did **I** do?! He was in my bed _spooning_ me! What the fuck are you two doing in my house?!” Ugh, his head hurt, his face was throbbing. A few memories started to return as Rey rushed over to Finn to see if he was okay. Door in the face. Hospital visit. He told Rey that he… oh fuck, that wasn’t a dream?! He’d told Rey he had a girlfriend? Then something about more pain meds from Rose and… everything got a little hazy after that. “What happened last night?!”

Rey lifted her gaze and glared at Ben. “Finn and I were _kind_ enough to look after you last night, because you were _high_ on pain pills! Rose gave you something pretty powerful and urged us not to leave you alone!”

Okay, that made sense, he supposed. They’d taken a cab or something… there was definitely a car ride involved, he remembered that much. Rey’s body tucked underneath him as they’d guided him to the bed. “That still doesn’t explain Finn sleeping in my bed.”

Rey helped Finn sit up, rubbing his back gently. “All you have is a couch and a bed! Rey took the couch, and that left me stuck with _you_! Although after THAT wakeup call… next time I think I’ll just stick to the floor!” 

Ben met Finn’s glare with a frown, not really sure how to respond. Was he really supposed to apologize for being startled? He wasn’t used to random _men_ being in his fucking bed. Only Finn wasn’t random… he was a… friend? An acquaintance? A fan that had boundary issues? “You scared the shit out of me!” It was a good defense. “You could have, at least, kept your hands to yourself!”

Finn whimpered as he got to his feet, now towering over Ben for once. “I like to cuddle! There’s no shame in that! Ugh… it’s too early for this shit. I’m getting some ice!” he grumbled and carefully walked out of the room clutching his back.

Rey folded her arms, looking extremely disappointed. “You could have at least apologized! You were quite a handful last night!”

Ben rolled his eyes, sure he was blushing like a damn teenager. “I was drugged!”

“And handsy!” she teased with a faint smile.

Ben didn’t like that smile at all, and certainly not on Rey. “With you?”

Rey simply shrugged. “With everyone! I find you’re quite entertaining when drugged. I can’t wait to see you drunk one day.”

“Never gonna happen,” he assured her. He didn’t like not being in control of his mental faculties.

“We’ll see,” she replied, and he could tell she was already making plans he wanted no part of. “Now come along. I made us all breakfast and it’s going to get cold. And don’t forget you owe Finn an apology!”

Rey turned back around, walking towards the door, but he couldn’t resist protesting. “He was in my fucking bed! I’m not apologizing!”

“Yes, you are!”

She’d already left, and Ben huffed in annoyance. His face really fucking _hurt_. Damn her and that stupid door, why did she get under his skin so much? Reluctantly, he crawled out of bed and followed her towards his kitchen. Ben was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of bacon and eggs, sausage and beans… and fuck… was that toast with butter and marmite? His mouth immediately began to water. “You made all of this?” he asked, a bit stunned. He hadn’t realized Rey knew how to cook, but it all looked delicious, and he found himself staring at her in absolute amazement.

Rey nodded, flashing her beautifully white teeth at him. “Why do you think Finn comes over so much?”

“I assumed it was because of the crush he has on your neighbor,” he answered thoughtlessly, and dropped into a nearby chair at his dining room table. The table wasn’t especially impressive, but he’d never actually expected to eat with other people. Having no friends meant his priorities leaned more towards practicality than anything else. There was no chance of him entertaining guests, so he’d gotten a table meant for a bachelor. The round table was made of the finest wood, and Rey had set it up nicely. He ignored Finn’s scowl as he took the chair across from Ben.

“That too,” Rey admitted with a shrug, and laughed as Finn gapped at her, looking far too betrayed considering it was the truth. 

“Can’t a guy enjoy spending time with his best friend?!”

She rolled her eyes and snorted. “You might as well be living with me, Finn. I don’t even see Rose as much… and she’s my _actual_ roommate.” She was setting the food in the middle of the table, and Ben didn’t wait for encouragement to dig in. He and Finn fought valiantly over the meat while Rey urged them to leave her more than scraps. He’d filled his plate with everything, eager to dig in, but a hand reached out from nowhere and smacked him when he moved to grab his fork. “No food until you _apologize_ to Finn!”

Wait, she’d been serious?! She really wanted him to apologize?! Ben stared her down, astounded by the audacity this tiny girl, who thought she could tell him what to do in his own damn house. Hadn’t he suffered enough? His face was damaged, he’d been drugged and taken advantage of by _Finn_ , and now she wouldn’t even allow him to eat?! “There is no way I’m doing that.”

“I cooked the food. If you want it, you’ll apologize,” Rey argued.

“It was MY food!” he returned, leaning towards her like a threat. He knew they were dangerously close, and he was trying to resist the urge not to look down. Only now did he notice that in towering over her, he also had a great view of her cleavage, and shit… was she actually wearing one of _his_ sweatshirts? 

Rey didn’t back down. It was impossible to intimidate her now, and that just pissed him off more. “Some of it was, but I did have to run out for a few things, and I prepared it, so stop being an arse about this!”

“I’m not being a… he fucking… this is _my_ house!” Ben was whining, and he didn’t care. This was what she’d reduced him to. How the hell was this happening? It was as if he’d awoken to a world in which everything was turned upside down. This had to be some alternate universe! Somewhere out there, he was living the life he’d been meant for, a life in which he didn’t have to fucking _apologize_ for shoving Finn off his _own_ god damn bed!

Rey was reaching for his plate now, and Ben could only stare, completely stunned as everything was taken away. Who the fuck was this girl? Why the hell was he allowing this? He couldn’t comprehend what was happening because it was all too ridiculous. Briefly, he wondered if this was how Kylo would feel after Kira defeated him. He was unequivocally fucking _dazed_ , but there was a faint stirring in his boxer shorts, and he knew he couldn’t continue fighting her.

Slowly, his eyes shifted to Finn who was already halfway through his food, and flashing him an infuriating smile that Ben would have loved to remove with his fist. He gripped the table and leaned forward towards the other man. “I _apologize_ for pushing you off the bed, but I swear if you ever try to spoon me again we’ll be revisiting the hospital and this time it’ll be you getting pumped with pain pills!”

Finn’s smile widened, his body shaking in amusement. “That was literally the worst apology ever.”

Rey shrugged, returning Ben’s food. “That’s probably as good as it gets from _him._ ”

He immediately dug into his meal before the plate had even touched the table, savoring the burst of flavor as sweet bacon overwhelmed his tastebuds. “Rey, don’t ever take my food again,” he growled, shoving eggs into his already full mouth. “I’m only sparing your life because of how fucking good this is.”

The woman beside him snickered. “You’re welcome, Ben.”

Finn snickered. “Rey, I think it’s really great that you’re trying so hard to make Ben behave like a human.”

Ben resisted the urge to growl at him, gulping down orange juice before he could choke on his toast.

*******

The swelling around his eye had finally gone down, but half his face had turned ugly shades of purple and blue. There was a cut along his eye, and Finn’s words haunted him as he stared in the mirror. He really did look like Kylo Ren. This was bad. Rey would be coming any minute on their way to Lor’s and all he wanted to do was crawl under the covers and wait until his face returned to normal. He looked like he’d been in a bar fight. He almost _wished_ he’d been in a bar fight. Lor San Tekka would surely mock him for the rest of his fucking life over this damn scar. The scar a _woman_ gave him.

It wasn’t even that it was a woman though. It was Rey. Every day he would look in the mirror and think of fucking _Rey_. She’d left her mark on him in many ways, but this was just taking it too far. He couldn’t stop staring. He was supposed to be looking at the suit, making sure his fucking hair wasn’t a disaster, but instead he’d been staring at a scar for thirty minutes and contemplating how the hell his life had spiraled like this. “You are such a fucking idiot.”

He’d told her he had a _girlfriend_. Why would he do that? Why the hell had he believed that would be a good idea? He’d tried to backtrack and make it seem like nothing, because Rey knew better, was well aware of his attitude towards romance. He didn’t believe in happily ever after so why the hell would he carry on a long-distance relationship? It made even less sense that he’d hold onto something long distance when it was mostly just _sex_. Not only had he lied to her, but he’d lied BADLY. 

He just didn’t understand Rey. That was what bothered him most about their interactions. He’d given her a cell phone, and her response was so full of _intent_ … but why the hell would she want him, knowing what she knew? Why would she take the risk? He’d already made it clear he’d just _hurt_ her. In his efforts to protect her and himself, Ben had made up a ridiculous story that was sure to fall apart before he had a chance to explain himself. The ‘girlfriend’ was supposed to give him room to breathe, but instead he was turning blue around the lips, and starving for air.

Ben tugged at the collar of his dress shirt. Rey was his friend, she’d agreed to it. She’d spent the night in his house on a fucking couch out of concern for his well-being. She’d made him breakfast, and promptly insisted that she would return when it was time for dinner at Lor’s. He’d tried to protest, but there was no _winning_ with that woman! She was so fucking stubborn, and usually so was he, but then somehow he’d lose the ability to _think_. Ben had always struggled with women, but this felt different. This was tearing him apart. 

The knock at his door made him wince, and he walked out of his bathroom like he was a guilty man heading to the gallows. Honestly, he would have preferred the gallows at this point. “Door’s open!” he shouted as he headed down the steps towards the front door. Rey swung it open carefully and her smile was radiant. Ben stilled at the last step. “Fuck.”

She was absolutely beautiful. She’d pulled her hair up in a braided bun with just a few curls to frame her face. Her eyes were made to pop with whatever the fuck she’d done with her make-up, though she made it look so natural he could barely tell what she’d used. Her dress… fuck, _her dress_ … the fabric shimmered a deep blue with a low cut and long sleeves that left her shoulders exposed. The dress was tight around her torso, and flared out at the hip, cutting off just an inch higher than her knees. Her shoes gave her at least two inches in height, and all he knew was that they were black and came to a point at the toe.

Rey turned around to show him the rest, and he swallowed audibly when his eyes roved over her back, covered in freckles, almost completely left bare to his gaze. His hands tightened into fists as he was overwhelmed with the urge to touch the smooth expanse of her back. Ben’s eyes shot up as she continued to turn and he realized his breathing sounded a little harsh. “You’re gonna give Lor a heart attack wearing that.”

Her laugh settled over him, calming his nerves, and he watched her hand cover her mouth when she snorted. “You look very handsome, Ben.” He wasn’t wearing anything special. Ben preferred black suits, and his dress shirt was white, with a skinny, black tie. He wasn’t fond of patterns or colors in his clothes.

His foot hit the landing and he watched her eyes darken as he continued to stare at her. He’d never seen her dressed up like this, and his head was already spinning. He knew it was all her fault. “Half my face matches your dress, Rey.” He was standing too close, and his voice sounded an octave too low. How the hell was he supposed to get through this night with his dignity intact? She was wearing down his defenses as if they didn’t even exist.

“Yes, but I’ve always been fond of the colors,” she teased and leaned up to kiss his cheek, right over the bruise. Ben watched her exit his house with wide eyes, his cheek tingling from the press of her lips, and it took everything he had to keep his lungs working as they ought to. Perhaps he’d had it all wrong. It wasn’t Rey in danger of getting hurt. It was _him_. Watching her walk in that dress was _agonizing_.

*******

“What the hell happened to your face?!”

“Hello to you too,” Ben sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets to avoid guiding Rey inside Lor’s home. They’d been standing at the door for nearly a minute, and he’d spent most of that minute admiring her backside. They’d taken a taxi to spare Rey the struggle of walking a long distance in heels. Most of the ride had been spent with Rey resting her head on his shoulder, asking him about what he had planned for the week. The fact that she expected him to speak was frustrating as hell, but he didn’t have the heart to tell her to get off of him. He kept his answers simple and tried to ignore how his body came to life everywhere she touched him.

Lor lived on Gloucester Road in South Kensington, not that far from Hyde Park. His home was open floorplan, and incredibly modern considering Lor preferred a more classic look. Ben had no doubts it was his wife that did most of the decorating. The living room had a nice golden couch with white pillows, and that was probably the only thing Lor had picked out, it’s design was Victorian. The other chairs were modern and silver, as they faced the couch, and there were two others next to the fireplace. He had a large island that separated the kitchen from the living room, with three stools tucked away. The dinner table wasn’t quite set up yet, and he waved a Lor’s wife who was rushing around the kitchen with an excited smile on her face.

“So who did you piss off this time?” he continued to question, flashing Rey a wide smile as he closed the door behind them.

Rey was biting her bottom lip, as red-faced as could be, and Ben’s lips curled into a fond smile watching her squirm. “Oh you know me… I may have a ‘ _slightly bitter shell_ ,’ but on the inside I’m _all_ fluffy caramel,” he told Lor. Rey’s eyes narrowed as she stared back at him, horribly embarrassed, though he knew it wouldn’t last. Once Lor heard the story he’d be calling Rey a ‘goddess’ and worshiping at her feet for yet another story to be used against Ben when the time was right.

Lor huffed and rolled his eyes, having noticed Rey’s flush. He turned to her with a wicked smile. “So you finally beat him senseless, did you?”

“Actually, I’d say the door did most of the work,” she confessed with a wince.

Lor’s eyes widened. “You slammed a door in his face?”

“I was at the hospital yesterday getting _stitches_ ,” Ben added, as if somehow these details would gain him sympathy. He knew she still felt guilty over the mishap, but Lor San Tekka would love every bit of this story. He reveled in Ben’s suffering like the true bastard that he was. This was what he lived for.

Lor’s hands covered his mouth, his eyes shifting from Ben to Rey with so much glee. “Oh dear, you poor bastard. When love strikes, it doesn’t pull punches!”

Ben hung his head for a moment, trying to control his temper, especially with Rey standing beside him. Lor had the subtlety of a train wreck, with twice the damage, and none of the clean-up crew. He wasn’t in love with Rey. They were barely friends after making it through a week, and although he was pleased by her company, most of the time he just wanted to turn back the clock to a time before they’d met. She was a complication he’d never counted on, and it was driving him so close to the edge. He was almost certain he was in for a horrendous fall. If it wasn’t for his fucking manuscript, he wouldn’t even be in this mess. “Keep that up and I won’t pull _my_ punches,” he threatened with a glare.

Rey lifted an eyebrow between the two men, and really… he should have seen it coming. He should have _known_ she would say something. “Ben and I are just friends. I don’t date men with girlfriends….”

She walked away with those words and headed for the kitchen, kindly offering Lor’s wife assistance. Ben cringed as he felt the knowing gaze of Tekka tear him to shreds. The old man’s hands dropped from his face, but the smile never left his lips. “ _Girlfriend_ , Ben?”

“Don’t you fucking _dare_ ,” he warned. He’d tell Rey the truth… eventually. He knew this wasn’t a lie he could ever keep up for long.

“You just can’t help yourself, can you?” whispered Lor, shaking his head. “You’re not content to be an asshole… oh no, you’ve got to be the biggest fool that ever walked the planet Earth.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I settled for killing you in literature, but I swear to god I’ll make it a reality if you say a fucking word.”

Lor scoffed. “I’ve lived my life. If I have to go down, I’m taking you with me,” he retorted before following after Rey. The old man was definitely a liability. He was so fucking screwed. Ben frowned, watching Lor assist his wife in putting the food out, while Rey finished setting the table. This… this was his worst nightmare come to life. Maybe Rey would be seeing him drunk, after all, cause he sure as hell refused to endure this evening _sober_.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was going to be mostly dinner at Lor San Tekka's, but then ideas happened, wonderfully insane ideas!!!! I want the world to know that it's canon... Finn likes to be the big spoon. Comments please, cause you know I cry without them. *sniff*


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit I'm not quite as happy with this chapter, however I got tired of looking at it. Please feel free to scold me... I deserve it. *unhappy sigh*

One of Ben Solo’s worst memories was at the age of fourteen. His father had called the house the day before, all the way from Dublin, to assure him that he would make it home in time for dinner the next day. Han Solo was hoping for a game of catch with his only son, grumbling about how little they saw of each other. Normally, Ben was beyond believing his father’s shit, but for some reason he’d decided to raid his parent’s closet and fish out his dad’s baseball glove just in case. Instead, he’d found a box of porno mags that were probably as old as he was. Never one to ignore an opportunity when it presented itself, Ben stole as many as he could stuff in his pants, and snuck back into his room.

Porn was like a gift from the gods for a fourteen year old perv like Ben, and in those few moments nothing else mattered… not the fact that the door was unlocked, or that there were other people in the house, or how unstealthily he’d snuck back into his room. _Nothing_. **Nothing mattered but the porn**. So there he was... sitting on his bed with a naked woman’s picture in his lap, mightily enjoying his private time, when the door swung open as wide as humanly possible. And who should be standing there to announce that dinner was ready? Lor _Fucking_ San Tekka.

Somehow, despite the humiliation that memory always seemed to produce when he thought of such things, this evening felt twenty times worse. Once again, Lor had caught Ben with his pants down, and the pretty girl wasn’t just a picture… she was a beautiful woman sitting across the dinner table. Instead of finding a dick in Ben’s hand, Lor was left with the horrifying sight of his latest ‘fuck up,’ a fake girlfriend meant to keep Rey at arm’s length. He was already starting to miss the ‘good old days.’

“So Ben… how did I not know about this girlfriend you claim to have?”

Ben gulped down his glass of wine and eagerly poured more.

“You mean, you didn’t know?” questioned Rey in surprise. A forkful of chicken hung in the air as she turned to look at Lor.

“I had no idea. Frankly, I’m surprised. I was almost certain the only woman he had eyes for was _you_ , Rey. I feel utterly foolish! What’s her name, Ben?” Lor questioned with a devilish smile.

“Bazine Netal.”

Lor rarely smiled so wide. A smirk at the most was all he was capable of, but never actual teeth. Tekka was a notoriously cantankerous person who found little in life to enjoy, unless it involved discovering new and creative ways of torturing Ben. Lor’s bitterness wasn’t completely without reason, however, and Ben realized he’d filled a void for the old man. When his parents had hired Tekka, he was a man with a wife and son. Unfortunately, when he and his second wife divorced, both had cut ties with him. His son refused to even speak to him. Ben and Christina were the only family he had. “Bazine Netal… now forgive me… I’m quite _old_ , you see… but isn’t that a character from your books? Bazine tried to seduce Kylo while he was still a villain.”

Ben Solo finished his second drink, enjoying the way the alcohol warmed his belly. This shit was weak. It would take forever for him to get drunk. He quickly poured more. Lor’s sweet and caring wife looked less than amused by her husband’s antics. She’d been born in Jamaica, but lived in London all her life. Her family was from Kingston, and they’d had dual citizenship. Sometimes a little bit of the accent would return when she was frustrated with Lor, and it tickled the hell out of Ben. “Will you leave the poor boy alone?!”

“Oh come now, Christina! Aren’t you a little curious? Ben so rarely decides to bother with such things as _love_ and _romance_. I’m eager to know who managed such an impossible feat, as to win over the heart of Ben Solo!” Lor responded, leaning back in his chair. He was a man on a mission, and not even his wife would deter him. “Did you name a character after her, Ben?”

“Yup.” He couldn’t screw this up if he kept his answers short. Rey was staring at him now. Her expression was strange, a mixture of curiosity and discomfort. Why wasn’t she jealous? She’d been so eager to kiss him in that damned hospital bed, was constantly flirting with him, but even now he saw no indication that she envied Bazine. It was fucking _annoying_ , and he didn’t know why.

“I don’t believe Bazine succeeds in seducing Kylo, Ben. In fact, Kylo didn’t seem very impressed with her at all. I’m assuming this is one of those times in which fiction does not follow the reality, hmmm?” Lor pressed, taking a long sip of his own drink.

He’d barely touched his meal, which was a shame because Christina really was an amazing cook, but he’d needed the alcohol to take hold of him first. Ben forced himself to put his drink down and eat a few bites. He smiled politely at Lor’s wife. She wasn’t like the others he’d married. It was honestly a shame she’d fallen for Lor’s charms, because she didn’t deserve his bullshit. Then again, she was one of the few women Ben had ever met that could give as good as she got. So maybe she was perfect for him after all. “This is delicious, Christina. I love this chicken,” he complimented, feeling more _human_ than was normal. 

Rey certainly seemed pleased with his table manners. “I agree! I’m already on my second plate!” she added with a gentle smile. She was always so sweet. He liked that about her. There was a sincerity in the way Rey spoke that drew him in. He trusted her too easily, but it was hard not to. One fucking week, and he’d probably put his life in her hands without hesitation.

“Ben, how long have you and Bazine been together?” Lor continued. The stubborn bastard wouldn’t give up. The old man was trying to break him, force him to admit defeat, reveal the truth to Rey. Wasn’t going to happen… certainly not tonight.

“None of your fucking business, Lor,” he answered with a frigid sneer, knocking back the rest of his drink. He’d almost killed the bottle. He poured himself another glass, glaring at the old man. There was no way Lor was going to make him break. The alcohol was already soothing his nerves. He was _not_ going to crack.

Unfortunately, Lor was not a man who backed down… ever. “And then you introduce a new character… Kira Rey as Kylo’s love interest. Why not simply bring back Bazine to fill the role?”

Ben stared his mentor down because he refused to meet Rey’s gaze. Christina was rolling her eyes dramatically, muttering under her breath about ‘stubborn men,’ and got up from the table to grab something from the kitchen. Solo almost cried in relief when she set a stronger drink in front of him. Bless her. “Bazine made no impression on Kylo in the first book. Bazine’s character was using him. It was just a game. Kira’s motives are pure. She doesn’t seduce… she conquers.” He immediately poured himself some of the new stuff and knocked it back. He enjoyed the burn so much better.

Rey put down her fork and used the napkin to clean her face, and when he looked up at her, he could see a question in her eyes. “She’s conquered his interest, Ben, but not his heart. How is she any better? I like what you’ve written, but so far their interactions leave a lot to be desired. Kylo’s fascinated by her strength, but she can’t even stand the sight of him. Bazine would be so much easier… at least she’s already expressed her attraction to Kylo.”

Lor folded his arms, glancing between him and Rey like they were live entertainment. Perhaps they were. Ben was forced to look at her now, take in her narrow eyes, watch her sip her wine slowly without breaking his gaze. His head was starting to feel a little fuzzy, and his phone kept buzzing in his pocket signaling yet another call. He’d almost answered the first time until he realized it was his father. Now it was on silent, but he probably should have just cut off his phone. “Bazine is just a fantasy, Rey… that’s why it’s easy. Kira’s real.” Did that count as telling her the truth? The fuck if he knew. He knocked back another drink and closed his eyes as good judgement melted away with the burning alcohol. “Kylo doesn’t want to be seduced. He wants to be dominated.”

Rey’s grip on her wine faltered, spilling acohol all over Christine’s lovely table. “Oh! I’m so sorry!” she immediately apologized, jumping up to grab a napkin. Lor’s wife immediately moved to help her, assuring her that it was ‘quite alright.’ Ben could see the blush in Rey’s cheeks, and it made him smile. When he turned to look at Lor, the old man had the nerve to look exasperated. In fact, he looked downright disappointed. Ben’s smile dropped.

*******

Voices. Whispering voices. A conversation. Who? The fuck if he knew? Just people. People he knew. Why was it so dark? Oh… his eyes were closed. He should open them. Ben snickered. Fuck it… he’d leave them closed. Damn, damn, damn… he felt _weird_. Everything was weird. Was he laying down? A bed? Maybe. Probably. Not his bed though. His bed molded just right to support his back. This was a strange bed. A stranger’s bed? No… not a stranger’s. Lor San Tekka’s voice rang in his ears.

“We’ll look after him tonight. He shouldn’t go home like this.”

“He’s already suffered a face injury, and now he’s pissed! We shouldn’t have let him drink so much.”

“Ha! Ben will always do as he pleases, and there’s very little you or I can do about that. He’ll be fine, my dear! He’s under a lot of pressure, and I only make it worse. Stay with him while I help Christina clean up. We’ll call you a taxi as soon as you’re ready.”

The voices were talking about him? He was going to have to open his eyes. Ben regretted the action instantly as the room began to spin. Rey was leaning over, but he could barely make out her face. “Hi,” she greeted him, sighing deeply.

“You look spinny.” Spinny was a word right? He was a writer. He should know this. Think, think, think… nope… probably not a word. It should be a word. “Spinny. Put it in the dictionary. It means ‘to make spin.’ I feel weird.”

“You’re drunk, Ben.”

So fuzzy. She looked so fuzzy, and the world wouldn’t stop moving. Ben felt the bed dip as a hand reached down to brush some hair from his face. Her hand. Felt good. Every time she touched him it felt good. “That’s nice.”

“What’s nice?”

“When you touch me.” Rey’s hand stopped. Why did it stop? Did he do something wrong? Damn, he was saying things. Things drunk people say and regret probably. He should stop talking. “Don’t stop. Felt good. You make my skin tingle. Every single time. My head is tingling.”

Rey’s finger twitched. She withdrew her hand, and he bit back a groan. _No._ Why couldn’t he say the right things? So fucking stupid. “Ben, you should really rest.”

He really should. He knew he should. “Not tired. Can’t sleep. World won’t stop spinning.”

“It will if you close your eyes.”

She had a point. Damn her. Ben narrowed his eyes, desperate to see her face. Why was it so fucking blurry? _Fuck_. It was too dark. He could barely see her. He’d have to come closer. It took several tries, but he eventually lifted his head, using his hands to prop himself up. Rey was still spinny, but he could see her better. He could hear her breathing. She smelled good. He hadn’t noticed before. “I don’t want to close my eyes, Rey.”

Rey wasn’t moving away from him. That was good right? Damn. He couldn’t think. What was she thinking? Was she uncomfortable? Did she want to leave? Ben wondered how she would taste. He should kiss her. No, no, no… that would be wrong. So fucking wrong. Friends weren’t supposed to kiss. “What are you doing, Ben?” Hmmm… she sounded different. Or maybe it was just him? He liked the way she spoke. Was he starting something? Teasing her? Tormenting her? He ought to after all she’d done to _him_. He was drunk. Ben could do whatever the fuck he wanted.

The room was so dark. Couldn’t see enough of her. Couldn’t admire the pretty dress. So beautiful. Never seen her like that before. “Does your skin tingle when you touch me?”

A sigh. No… a gasp? No, no, no! She made some kind of noise, though. Was he leaning in too close? He wanted to hear her breathe. He wanted to watch her blush. Fuck, why was the world spinning so fast?! “Ben-”

“No, don’t answer that! Sorry… I’m drunk! Don’t sound drunk, but I am.”

“You don’t slur your words, which I find quite impressive.”

“Need to be more drunk for that.”

“What kind of drunk are you right now?”

“Honest drunk,” he admitted with a laugh. “World’s a bit spinny… that kind of drunk. Saying lots of stuff. Did you answer my question? About the touching? It burns sometimes. And I can’t breathe if you get too close. God, you’re driving me up the fucking wall! Such a strange girl… doing this to me. Wish you’d stop.”

“ _You’re_ the one that should stop. You’ll regret all of this in the morning, I’m sure.”

Ben leaned in closer, staring at her face. Her face. Her eyes were so much darker. Why couldn’t she breathe normal? He was breathing normal, wasn’t he? So close. Too close. A few more inches and they’d brush noses. A nose kiss. Ha! Fuck… he really _was_ drunk. “I regret this now. Why wait till morning? Stop spinning, Rey.”

Rey laughed. Like honey. He loved it when she did that. “I’m not spinning. It’s the alcohol.”

“Oh fuck… yeah! Well shit… I can’t tell alcohol to stop making you spin.”

“That didn’t even make any sense, Ben.”

“You don’t make any sense!” So there! Fuck it! He was getting frustrated now. “Been going crazy, and I blame you! One week and I’m like this. What the hell are you doing to me?” Rey was looking away. No, that wasn’t what he wanted. He needed her eyes. Ben reached up to touch her face, urging her back to him. “Stop it, Rey.”

“Stop what?”

Sometimes he could almost see her. Sometimes she was less spinny. She was staring back at him, eyes wide, licking lips, but still breathing too heavy. “Stop making my skin tingle when we touch,” he whispered. Even now it tingled. He was touching her face. When did he do that? _Oh right_! It’d been long time since he’d been drunk. He wasn’t thinking right. “Stop trying to tempt me! It won’t work!”

“Tempt you?” she scoffed. “You really ought to lie down, Ben. I doubt the girlfriend would appreciate this conversation.”

Ben groaned. Not _that_ again. Why did it always come down to that? It might as well have been the night’s theme! Ben and his imaginary girlfriend. The alcohol was doing terrible things, but no worse than what ‘Sober Ben’ had been up to. “Bazine’s not a girlfriend, she’s a shield!”

Silence. What did he say? Why was she looking at him like that? “A shield? A shield for what?”

“To protect me from you.” No, no, no, no! He ought to stop talking. Damn alcohol was ruining everything!

“Ben… why do you need protecting?” Ben rolled his eyes and dropped back down on the bed. It felt good to close his eyes again. The room was less spinny. He missed Rey’s face though. Maybe when he was less drunk. He could barely see her anyway. What had she asked him again? “Ben? Please tell me… why do you need protecting?” She sounded so urgent.

He twisted onto his side, away from her. Suddenly he felt tired. So tired. Said things he shouldn’t have said. “Cause I’m afraid.” Fuck. No more talking! Too drunk to talk! Bad talking. No more of that!

“Afraid of me?”

Was a nod talking? Fuck it, he was gonna nod. Ben buried himself further into the pillow. “Rey?”

Rey was touching him again, his hair was in his face (always in his face), but she was tucking it behind his massive ears. He hated his ears. “Ben?”

“I think I’m gonna vomit,” he groaned. His stomach recoiled and Ben slid across the bed just in time to puke all over the floor. Christina’s chicken did _not_ taste as good going back up again.

“Oh my god, Ben!” Rey was quick on her feet, pulling him up to sit as she shoved a trash bin in his hands. His eyes opened, but the room was spinning worse. He felt hot and sweaty. Sick and weak. Fuck, he’d never wanted her to see him like this. Her hand was in his hair, moving it away from his face, touching clammy skin. “Are you okay?”

He shook his head, dropping it into the trash bin. “I’m never okay.”

“Ben….” Her voice sounded so soft, so full of concern. He felt like a fucking fool in front of her, but what else was new? He lifted his head just enough to see her, felt her cold hands against his skin, and of course he couldn’t help leaning into her touch. It felt too good. It was too tempting. The tingling again, oh… how his skin craved it. Maybe he’d developed an addiction. Didn’t want her to stop. So fucking _good_.

“I’m an idiot, Rey.”

“If you’re waiting for me to disagree, we’ll be here for hours,” she teased. She was stroking his face now. So gentle. He didn’t know what to make of her half the time, but this was nice. How long since anyone touched him like this? He couldn’t remember. Ben spat into the trash bin and set it down. His stomach still felt terrible, but his head was spinny and he was desperate to lay down. She kept close, pulling the covers up over him.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

Ben shook his head. “For all the things I haven’t done yet.” He almost wanted to laugh. He sounded so pathetic. “Wanna know a secret?”

Drunk. So drunk. He shouldn’t share secrets when he was drunk. “Tell me,” Rey encouraged after a long pause.

“My grandfather had a journal. I have it… I read it sometimes… for inspiration. He would have been a great writer. Talks about this girl. It took a week and he knew. He just _knew_.”

“Knew what?” Her voice was so quiet, so breathless. She was still touching his face, and his lips brushed her wrist. So tempted to taste her skin, feel her pulse under his tongue. 

Exhaustion kicking in. Maybe he’d sleep. He didn’t like being drunk. “That she was _it_ ,” he mumbled into the pillow, drifting. “That she was his other half… to make him whole. He married her, but then she died. Love makes you crazy, Rey. I won’t ever let that be me.”

No regrets. He was drifting, head spinning, and feeling so fucking weird. He had no doubt tomorrow would destroy him. Rey’s hand slipped away from his face and the room was so quiet. He was almost certain she had left, but the bed hadn’t moved. It still dipped under her weight. “It wasn’t love that made him crazy, Ben… it was being left alone.”

He fell into oblivion with her words drifting in his head. Even in dreams his world was still spinning. _Fuck_.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to write a drunk Ben is really hard. I'm just saying! However, to be fair, I had to pull a lot from personal experience which is a bit difficult! lol Let me know what you think pleeeeeease!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long to update! Not only as the new school year started, but I also had friends visiting from the USA. I swear I'll try to do better! Also, if you have the time, PLEASE GAWD check out this [awesome fanart](http://reylos-stole-purple.tumblr.com/post/165378784525/kind-of-counter-productive-isnt-it-going-on) @reylos-stole-purple made for me on Tumblr for chapter 4!

Ben wanted to die. He just really _fucking_ wanted to die. Frankly, he was a little bit surprised he hadn’t already expired. His head had been through enough shit this week, and now he was ending it with the hangover from hell. He reeked of alcohol and sweat, but the room itself smelled strongly of bleach. He deserved this. Probably deserved worse than this.

“GOOD MORNING, BEN!”

No, he wanted to take it back. **He did not deserve THIS!** Ben groaned, burying his face into the pillow as Lor’s voice made his ears bleed brain cells… not that he had many left after all the alcohol he’d consumed last night. Why the hell was this world so cruel to him? Sure, he was a bastard, but it wasn’t like he’d murdered anyone. He was a generous tipper when he ate out. Ben was always active with his charities. He even answered fan mail… instead of paying some idiot assistant to do it like some writers would. He did not deserve Lor San Tekka while suffering a hangover!

Ben felt the bed dip as Lor plopped down beside him and set a glass on the table beside the bed. “AND HOW ARE YOU FEELING THIS LOVELY MORNING?!”

He was being loud on purpose… the bastard. Ben almost whimpered as he tried to bury his head in the pillow deep enough to suffocate himself, but Lor gripped his hair and pulled, forcing Ben to look at him and take the full force of a very bright room. “I will kill you,” he threatened weakly.

Lor let go of his hair and chuckled as Ben’s head dropped back into the pillow. “Feel free to try in the state you’re in. Sit up. Christina made you something that should help with the symptoms.”

Bless her. She was a goddess. Ben slowly rolled over onto his back, keeping his eyes closed tight as he leaned back against the headboard. Fuck, the sun was piercing straight through his eyelids as if they weren’t even there. He opened his eyes and endured the horrible pain just long enough to locate the glass beside the bed and snatch it. One sniff and he was ready to vomit. “What the fuck is this?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Just drink.”

Ben sighed, resigned to his fate. The taste was even worse than the smell, and he didn’t dare try and identify the ingredients in her unholy concoction. He drank it down quick, forcing his mind to pretend it was a vanilla shake gone horribly wrong. The moment it was finished he slammed the glass on the bedside table, wincing as the loud noise pierced his sensitive ear drums. “How badly did I embarrass myself last night?”

“You don’t remember?”

Oh, he remembered. That was the fucked up thing about his hangovers. He always remembered the next day. Maybe not everything, but most things, just enough to hate himself. “Did I vomit on your floor?”

“Yes, you did!” Lor confirmed rather piercingly. Every time Ben hit rock bottom Lor was there to dig him down a few inches deeper. “When I came back in to check on you I found Rey on the god damn floor cleaning it up. You don’t deserve her, Ben… not even a little!”

Ben sure as hell wasn’t going to argue with something he agreed on. “Which is why we’re just friends. I fucking wish you would get that through your thick skull,” he grumbled, sliding back down in the bed. Once again he closed his eyes. His stomach felt slightly better, and his mouth was no longer so dry. The headache refused to go away. He felt like his head was being torn apart along the ugly scar Rey had given him. Any minute his skull would split open and there’d be a new mess for Lor to clean up.

“Haven’t you seen _Wonder Woman_ , yet? It’s not about what you deserve… it’s about what you believe. I _believe_ in love.”

“I can’t fucking _believe_ you just quoted that stupid movie at me.”

“Christina loved it. I found it rather inspiring, if a bit humbling when you realize just how little men were needed on that damn Amazonian island.”

Ben would have laughed, but he was too busy praying for his own demise. He was remembering more and more as the seconds passed. Fumbling in the bed, talking to Rey… fuck. Talking to Rey… talking to Rey while drunk. FUCK! “Oh shit.”

“What?” Lor questioned. When Ben opened his eyes Lor was frowning, arms folded, and eyebrows wrinkled together.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he swore again. He’d talked to Rey… said things… lots of things. Really, really stupid things. Why the hell couldn’t he keep his mouth shut when he drank?! Why was it so damned difficult for him to just shut the fuck up?! “I… I…” Ben couldn’t even speak. He was in a state of shock. His head dropped in his hands and he groaned, forgetting all about the headache for a moment. “Why the _hell_ did you leave me alone with Rey?!” he growled.

Lor knew how Ben got. He knew he turned into a fucking idiot with a little liquid courage in his system. He’d said so much! Lor knew better! “She didn’t look very upset when she left last night. It couldn’t have been that bad.”

“I fucking told her I was _afraid_ of her, Lor! I told her she makes me… UGH! FUCK!” Why the hell did he bother? Lor didn’t get it! He couldn’t comprehend how bad this truly was! Rey was bound to feel awkward, and he’d never be able to look her in the eye again. He had to think of something! He needed a plan! He could pretend it never happened? Pretend he didn’t remember last night? That was an option wasn’t it? She’d probably see right through him! He’d already implied his ‘girlfriend’ was just something he’d made up. Rey would be pissed! What the hell was he going to do?! His head was aching, and he could barely breathe. Ben dropped back into the bed and shoved the covers over his head.

“Ben?”

“I’m so fucked!” he almost screamed, wincing as his voice cut through his skull. He was panicking. Behaving like a child, but he didn’t care. He didn’t give a damn about any of it. He just wanted to sleep through this day. Maybe he’d help Lor dig those few more inches past rock bottom, and then drop the dirt right on top of him.

“Your father called again.”

Did he care?! Why the hell would Lor even bother? Ben had been ignoring his calls for days, and he had no intention of trying to contact the man right now. He knew exactly why his father was calling. Han Solo was probably in London. He only called when he was in town. Well, Ben had enough shit to deal with! “Fuck him,” he grumbled from under the covers.

“Ben, grow up!” Lor snapped. Ben felt the bed shake as Lor stood and walked towards the door. “For once in your life… just grow the hell up!”

The door slammed closed, and Ben flinched, but this time it wasn’t because of the headache. He hated when Lor was right….

*******

Never let it be said that Ben Solo was a coward. It would be the truth, but he didn’t appreciate it when people fucking said it. After spending several hours recovering from the hangover from hell, he’d returned home to write. His father called at least three more times, and Rey had left him a text message asking if he’d recovered from the night before. It was at this point that he’d turned off his phone and shoved it in the desk drawer, eager to focus on fantasy, rather than dwell on his fucked up reality.

It wasn’t surprising, though, that his current situation seemed to blend into the chapters he was working on. His fingers flew over the laptop, seemingly without permission; forcing Ben to watch his own deepest fears expressed through Kylo. His ‘hero’ was a fucking mess in Kira’s presence, a trembling, pathetic child facing bitter realities he’d tried to keep hidden since breaking free of the evil Master Snoke. The sounds of typing echoed in his ears until he felt himself panicking again, and he snapped his laptop closed in an instant. He was shaking almost as badly as Kylo Ren.

Silence. What the fuck was he supposed to do now? He couldn’t write. He couldn’t face Rey. He couldn’t even fucking talk to his father… not that he wanted to. Lor was pissed at him. Hux was an asshole. His options had always been dismal, but he’d never actually cared before now. His home felt empty. Maybe he should get a pet? Fuck. He could barely take care of himself! What the hell was he going to do with a dog?

Ben stood and paced the small office. He’d never be able to talk to Rey again. He’d have to end this. He’d still pay her for the trouble, but the rest… he’d just have to figure out on his own. Even thinking about this option left him agitated though, as if he was plotting to remove his own arm. It’d barely been a day and he already missed her smile. He missed the way she’d invade his personal space even when he glared at her for it. What the fuck was he doing?! How the hell had he become this?! He felt like a god damn drug addict!

“Hello?!”

Ben froze his pacing, standing as still as a statue as he tried to comprehend another presence in his home. Did robbers generally announce their presence before stealing things? Jokes about polite Brits floated through his mind, but it seemed an inappropriate time to laugh at cultural stereotypes. Especially if he really _was_ being robbed. 

“Hey asshole!”

Oh… that sounded like Finn. _Finn_ was back in his house. Wait… what the fuck?! How the hell did he get in?! Ben stormed out of his office and into the living room, feeling especially pissed now that he realized who’d broken into his place. Nevermind the fact that Finn was way better than polite burglars. “How the hell did you get in here?” he growled as Finn jumped and turned around to face him, hands in the air as if to prove he was innocent. Ben was standing in the hallway with his own hands tightened into fists at his side, not that he was really planning on hurting the other man.

“The door was open!”

“What?!”

“You left the door unlocked. You do realize this is a _city_ , right? People rob dumbasses like you.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “I was preoccupied!”

“Yeah… getting that,” Finn agreed with a roll of his eyes. He dropped his hands and shoved them in his pockets, rocking from the ball of his heels to the tip of his toes, suddenly very casual and comfortable despite Ben’s angry glare. “Rey sent me over to check on you. She’s worried cause you didn’t answer her text.”

“I’ve been busy writing.” It was a weak excuse, and he ran a hand through his hair in agitation. Rey was worried about him?

“So busy you couldn’t answer a damned text message? She tried to call, but your phone was cut off. She was conjuring up scenarios of you back in hospital for alcohol poisoning or some shit. Rose had her flipping out when she mentioned mixing the pain meds with alcohol.”

Rey was seriously worried about him? He made a god damn fool of himself in front of her, and her response was _worry_? Maybe he should have anticipated this. Rey wasn’t exactly the easiest person to predict. Anyone else would have been done with him from the moment he opened his mouth for the first time. Still, he’d lied to her… and he was almost certain she knew that by now. He’d thrown up all over the floor and left her to clean up the mess. He’d said so many stupid things… embarrassed himself and her… why the hell did she bother? 

He found himself drifting to the couch, plopping down on it like Finn had just told him the world was flat. He suddenly felt exhausted, and he dropped his head into his hands with a sigh. “You don’t look so good.”

“It’s been a long day.” Technically, it was only six o’clock, but it might as well have been three in the morning with how he was feeling. He did not recover from hangovers quite as quickly as he used to.

Finn hesitated before taking a seat next to Ben. He kept his distance, eyes roving over him with pity. “Pace yourself next time. You aren’t as young as you used to be,” he teased. When Ben tilted his head to the side to look at Finn, the other man was beaming down at him, and once again he got the feeling Rey wasn’t the only ‘friend’ he’d made this week. The notion was staggering to say the least. Twelve year old Ben would be so _pissed_ if he found out how long it had taken him to get to this point.

“I made a fool out of myself in front of her,” he admitted. This was strange. Talking to Finn. Ben didn’t talk to people about what was bothering him. He wrote stories and avoided court ordered anger-management seminars. 

“What else is new?”

“Fuck off!” Why was everyone he bonded with such a bastard?

Finn huffed, leaning down with his elbows resting on his knees, suddenly eye-level with Ben. “Sorry man, but it’s exhausting. Just watching the two of you together… the sexual tension is giving me indigestion.”

“There is no sexual tension.” Fuck, even he knew that was bullshit, but he clung to the lies anyway. “There _shouldn’t_ be,” he added when Finn quirked an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Yeah well, we can’t always get what we want. Otherwise, I’d be a famous movie star with a mansion, a pool, and twelve extremely attractive boyfriends who don’t mind sharing me.”

“You mean instead of being a creeper who stares out windows, watching his crush hug young women, and wonder what might have been?”

“Fuck you.”

Ben cracked a smile, pleased with himself. Finn knew he was right. They were one in the same in this mess. Finn didn’t have enough balls to actually talk to Rey’s neighbor, and Ben didn’t have enough balls to get over his fucking relationship issues. He couldn’t stop thinking about Rey’s last words to him when he’d been drifting off. Was she really so lonely? It wasn’t as if she was unattractive. She had loyal friends, and a beautiful body. Why the hell was she so determined to wait for Ben’s stubbornness to give out? Why did she care so fucking much? She’d made it her god damn mission to save him from himself, and he was still fighting her every step of the way. She’d turned him into a stray dog she was eager to adopt even though he was likely to tear up the furniture. Wait… what the fuck? Did he just compare himself to a scraggly canine?

Finn leaned back on the couch, pulling Ben from his musings. “Okay… how about this, we make a deal right here and now.”

“A deal? What kind of deal?” Ben questioned, extremely suspicious of his new… weird friend.

Finn rolled his eyes, sensing Ben’s hesitation as he shot up from the couch and turned to face him. “When I finally summon the courage to ask out Rey’s gorgeous neighbor… you have to go on a date with Rey.”

“A date with Rey? What the hell makes you think she’d even agree to that?”

Finn was giving him that look again. That _‘are you fucking kidding me with this bullshit, please get a clue’_ look. Ben didn’t appreciate it. They were valid concerns. Just because Rey was a patient woman, didn’t mean her patience would last a lifetime, which was probably how long it would take Finn to actually make a fucking move. “I ask out the neighbor… you ask out Rey. Do we have a deal or not?”

Ben snickered, amused by this proposition. In a way, it was the perfect deal for him. Finn was a fucking coward. He’d certainly try his best to overcome his anxiety, but it would take a pathetically long time, long enough for Ben to sort through his feelings. He wasn’t quite ready to accept the fact that he even HAD feelings. Alcohol was a cruel bitch sometimes. “Deal,” he finally agreed. “You make a move, and so will I.”

Finn’s smile broadened as if he’d actually achieved something. “On one condition!”

He should have known it was too good to be true. “What?”

“You have to help me.”

“Help you ask out the hot neighbor?! Why the fuck would you want my help?”

Finn shrugged. “Desperate times calls for desperate measures.”

Ben rolled his eyes, but nodded his agreement. “Whatever… I’ll help. Not sure what you expect me to do, but sure.”

Finn was so pleased with himself… the fool. There was no way he was going to have the nerve any time soon. He probably thought he was doing Rey a favor, but really he’d just given Ben the perfect opportunity to slow things down. He needed air, perspective, maybe a couple self-help books on what the rest of the world considered a healthy relationship. No… _fuck_ the self-help books, they were probably the reason Lor had so many ex-wives.

Before Ben could say another word his front door flew open and Rey was standing just outside looking as pissed as an agitated chihuahua. Then again, everyone looked like a chihuahua at his height. Why the hell was he comparing everyone to canines today? “Don’t. You. Ever. Ignore. My. Messages. Again.”

“Oh by the way, Rey was waiting in the taxi and I texted her to come up,” Finn revealed with a snicker. He took a sadistic pleasure in watching Rey march herself inside, ignoring him completely, and launch herself at Ben. His eyes immediately widened in horror as she held him, her relief was palpable, muscles relaxing into him as she threaded her hands through his hair. He glanced up, searching out help, but a shit-eating grin was all he had to work with. Fucking bastard. Everyone he knew was a bastard. Well… maybe not Rey. 

“Get off me, Rey. I can’t breathe.”

Rey pulled away immediately, eyes studying his face. “You look terrible! How are you feeling? Lor said he was going to take care of you!”

“I’m fine, Rey.”

“You are NOT fine! You threw up all over the floor. You couldn’t even stand up straight!”

“Yeah… cause I was drunk,” he pointed out, puzzled by her concern. It wasn’t like these things didn’t happen all the time. She was old enough to have witnessed this before, surely! Ben was fairly certain Finn and Rose weren’t above getting shit-faced at least every once in a while.

“Yes, but you’ve only just gotten back from the _hospital_ , Ben! You’ve still got stitches in your face! Rose was concerned too! If you had mixed any pain killers with the alcohol you could have made things a billion times worse, and I should have stopped you! I shouldn’t have let you drink!” Ben winced as Rey slapped his shoulder angrily. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again!”

She hit pretty hard for an agitated chihuahua. “Jeez Rey! I didn’t take any pain killers! My face feels fine! A little sore, but fine! However, I don’t think physically attacking me is going to aid in my recovery!”

“Hell… it’s worth a try,” encouraged Finn, enjoying the show.

“You stay out of this!” Rey snapped at him, whirling back towards Ben. She folded her arms, still hovering over him, probably enjoying this opportunity to look down for once. Folding her arms made her shirt slide up, exposing just a sliver of skin, and he forced himself not to stare. Maybe he shouldn’t have made this deal with Finn. With his luck, he’d be asking Rey out in his eighties. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Ben sighed, taking in the dark circles under her eyes, and the messy bun. Curls clung to her neck from sweat, and her make-up wasn’t as seamless as usual. She really had been worried about him. Something softened inside him as this realization dawned, and he forced her to take a step back as he stood, once again towering over her. “I’m okay,” he half whispered, doing something that surprised even _him_. He pulled Rey to his chest, like his father used to do with his mom when she was upset. He held her gently, and tucked his head in the crook of her neck, assaulted by memories of his parents in this exact same position. Rey melted against him and closed her eyes, clinging to him.

When he caught Finn’s gaze he knew he was screwed. Finn was still smiling, but it was a sappy smile this time. Everyone else may have wanted Ben to get a fucking clue, but reality was no better than denial. He had no choice in this. He cared about Rey, had probably fallen half in love with her the moment she locked them on that damned roof, but he was still an asshole. There was no doubt in his mind that he would hurt this sweet girl in his arms. He would be the monster everyone knew him to be, and he would _break her heart_. Self-loathing was already building in the pit of his stomach in anticipation for this moment.

Ben closed his eyes and exhaled, tightening his hold on Rey. All he’d wanted to do was protect her, but Rey would not be denied. “I’m okay,” he assured her one last time, even though it was probably the biggest lie yet.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always acceptable! As in please indulge me, I have low self-esteem. lol


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware... slight hints of 'finnlo' in this chapter, but I swear the reylo feels are quick to follow! lol Sorry this chapter took so long. It's been difficult to find time to write when I'm constantly having people visit. They keep demanding to spend time with me... HOW DARE!

There was something incredibly gratifying about being right. Watching Finn walk back into Rey’s flat with excuses like _“he walks too fast,”_ or _“my shoelaces were untied,”_ was giving Ben new life. Each and every time he’d give Finn a wink as the poor bastard hung his head in shame, horrified by this inability to conquer his fears. 

When the door slammed shut Ben looked up from his newspaper with a wicked smirk, while Rey tilted her head up to look at Finn. She was tucked in the crook of Ben’s arm, which rested on the back of her couch, busy reading his latest revised chapter on her iPad mini. He always insisted she read it before sending it off to his publicist and editor. Finn cleared his throat awkwardly. “He was on the phone… I thought it would be rude to interrupt.”

Rey sighed. “Why the sudden desire to actually do something about this crush? You behave as if you’re on some sort of mission.” She rolled her eyes and snuggled further into Ben’s side while Finn shrugged and scratched the back of his neck. Ben had finally started to adjust to Rey’s constant affection over the weeks that followed his drunken confession. He’d expected her to distance herself from him after that night, but instead they’d been drawing steadily closer with each passing day. He still had to endure some discomfort with each touch or caress, but he was learning to ignore his body’s reactions. Any excess energy was funneled into his writing, and occasionally he’d allow himself to ‘relieve’ the tension in his shower. 

Ben returned to his newspaper, reading reviews from critics who just mostly fed their readers bullshit opinions as if they were facts. It was worth a laugh or two, but sometimes those assholes really pissed him off. It had taken nearly a week to cheer Finn up after one imbecile tore down his performance at the Adelphi Theater. _Kinky Boots_ was probably the weirdest fucking show he’d ever seen, but Finn was spectacular in it regardless. “You’ll get him next time,” Ben assured him half-heartedly. 

It was probably fucked up to celebrate yet another failed attempt, especially when he knew how important this was to Finn, but things between him and Rey were finally settling down into something manageable. Rey seemed content with their friendship, never demanding anything more than what Ben was comfortable giving her. She was flirty without being pushy. She was demonstrative without insisting he return her affection. The tension was still there driving him to madness, but for once he didn’t feel like he was on the verge of a panic attack. 

They spent several hours arguing over feminist bullshit like whether heroines truly needed love, or why most female characters in action films were so horribly unrealistic. He loved how red her face would get when he pissed her off with opinions she found exceptionally sexist, only to use nearly all of her ideas by the time he would finish each chapter. Rey was just so damn sexy when she was angry, and Ben was a bit of a bastard. There was just something so mesmerizing about watching her get passionate about a subject he gave very little thought about most of the time.

“You’re supposed to be helping!” Finn grumbled, hands planted on his hips as he glared at Ben. He was wearing the cleanest white shirt Ben had ever seen, and it showed off a surprisingly well chiseled physique. His faded black khakis hung loose around his hips, revealing his Calvin Klein briefs whenever he bent over. Ben was wearing similar pants, however his shirt was also black. Finn had started an annoying habit of referring to him as _‘Emolo’_ whenever he wore too much black. He’d threatened many times to return to his house and replace his wardrobe with actual colors, but Ben didn’t take the threats too seriously. He was pretty sure if Finn didn’t even have the guts to ask out a guy, he definitely didn’t have the guts to risk death and fuck with Solo’s taste in clothes.

Rey’s head popped up from his side, eyes wide as she turned to look at Ben. “Really? You offered to help Finn get a date? Mr. ‘Romance is Dead’ Solo?” Rey was just as colorful as ever in her striped rainbow sweater and torn-up jean shorts. If anyone needed a wardrobe replacement, he was a hundred percent certain it should be her.

Ben snorted, dropping the newspaper once more. “Finn asked. I told him it was a bad fucking idea. I can’t even write this damn book without your guidance,” he groused with a wave towards her iPad. “I don’t even know how the hell I’m supposed to be helping!”

Finn tilted his head to the side, staring at Ben as if he had two heads. “Be more supportive!”

“I’m not a fucking motivational poster, Finn.”

Rey laughed at that. “Could you imagine? It would probably just be a picture of that sweet little kitten dropping to it’s death from the tree limb it was hanging on, with the words ‘try to do some shit before you die,’ written in black.”

Actually, that wasn’t half bad. He whole-heartedly approved of that poster. “I would buy it,” he agreed without shame. 

He watched in amusement as Rey groaned, dropping the iPad on the coffee table before she looked up at Finn. “If you really want to pursue this thing with my mysterious neighbor, perhaps find someone better suited to the task of actually _helping_ you! Honestly, I’m actually offended you asked Ben when I’m clearly the expert!”

If Finn weren’t quite so dark, Ben was sure he’d be as red as a tomato. Instead, his skin just seemed to darken a shade, and his gaze lowered to the ground. “Rey… this is guy stuff.”

“When did romance become ‘guy stuff?’ I’m almost positive that’s a subject both genders find interesting,” Ben challenged. He wasn’t quite sure why he was encouraging this. If Rey got involved, she’d most certainly put a wrench in his plans to watch Finn fail spectacularly. “I don’t think Finn needs help. He’s a grown man. He can do this himself.”

“No I can’t!” Finn practically whined. “I’ve tried! He’s just so… and I’m so… this is a disaster! I should be able to just _talk_ to the man! I don’t have to ask him out right away, do I?”

Rey nodded enthusiastically. “That’s true! You could befriend him first! Invite him over! Oh, I know! We’ll have a party!”

“Here?” Finn questioned, eyes roving over the small flat Rey and Rose shared. “Kinda small….”

“No… Rose would kill me. I was thinking we should have something at Ben’s place!” Rey explained, turning those extremely dangerous eyes towards Ben.

They’d been doing so well… leaving him the fuck out of this mess. Figures that they would just drag him right back in. He refused to go down without a fight. He wanted no part of this. “Not in a million fucking years.”

“Ben, you said you would help!” Rey protested.

“Not like this!” he retorted. “I hate parties. I don’t go to them and I don’t throw them. I don’t want a bunch of people in my house. Hell, I barely tolerate it when you two are in my house!”

“It doesn’t have to be huge! Just a few of our closest friends! Maybe even some of my co-workers from the theater!” Finn pushed. “We could do it after one of my shows!”

“No!”

“Ben… yes,” Rey fought.

“I said no!”

“And I said yes!” 

Ben was starting to wonder why he tolerated Rey so easily, especially when it seemed to be her life’s mission to make him uncomfortable and angry. The touching was torture enough. He struggled through for her sake, but most of the time he just wanted to shove himself in one of those damn bubbles so she’d get the hint and give him space. “Never gonna happen.”

“It’s happening.”

Oh… how he _hated_ her. Ben glanced between Rey and Finn with wide eyes, hands tightening into fists. “You know, usually if somebody says ‘no,’ it’s because they fucking mean it.”

“Luckily for us, that’s not the case!” Rey insisted, quickly leaning over to kiss his cheek before she rushed over to Finn and began their devious scheming. 

Ben blinked, touching his face briefly where she’d kissed him. His skin still burned slightly, and the tension in his muscles almost snapped his bones in half. Unbelievable. “What the hell just happened here?!”

*******

Their lazy weekend immediately spiraled from there as Rey forced the boys to take her out for a bit of shopping and lunch. Rey was worried Finn wouldn’t have anything ‘eye-catching’ to wear for the party. They were already discussing dates that would give them enough time to prepare. He should have walked away, gone home, refused to be involved in this stupidity. Instead, he watched in horror as Rey gripped his hand and dragged him from shop to shop, talking a mile a minute about what kind of party they should throw at _his fucking home_. It felt like an out of body experience. Watching himself turn into a pathetic puppy dog loyally following it’s master as she yanked on his leash.

Finn seemed to especially enjoy shoving shirts at Ben with not a speck of black on them. He tried on none of them, of course, and even threw a few back with enough force to make Finn think twice about his teasing. Rey bought some of the shirts anyway, whispering in his ear that he looked sexy in red. How was a man supposed to think when she talked like that? There had to be a way to break this damn spell she had on him. Ben would figure it out eventually and be done with her so fucking fast. He’d thought about just giving in and taking her to bed, but there was always the chance that it’d just make this ‘Rey addiction’ worse, and he couldn’t have that.

They’d settled on Indian for lunch, and stuffed themselves on garlic naan before they even got to the main meal. Rey had a healthy appetite and perhaps the largest stomach known to mankind, because somehow she’d managed to finish both Finn and Ben’s leftovers. He wasn’t sure why he found that attractive. It shouldn’t have been, but it was. She even used his own fucking fork, leaning over him and moaning with each bite as if she had no clue what those sounds were doing to him. He was better than this. He was fucking Ben Solo… being left alone was literally implied in the name.

Exhausted and full, they’d decided to walk off their respective meals down Oxford Street. Ben hated how busy and overwhelming the city could get on Oxford, but it wasn’t quite so crowded with the threat of rain hanging over them. The very full gray clouds covered the sky for miles in every direction. They’d probably be forced to take a taxi back to Rey’s, but he was good at keeping extra cash in his pocket for just such an occasion. Inevitably, they passed a Topshop and Rey was eager to take a ‘quick’ peek. For once even Finn preferred to wait outside.

The moment she disappeared inside the store, Finn’s eyes narrowed at Ben. “You’re having that damn party so I can invite Rey’s neighbor. Helping was part of the deal.”

“Why can’t you just ask him out like a normal person?” Ben questioned, folding his arms as he leaned against the gray building, keeping out of the way as tourists and locals passed by. 

“It’s not that simple!” Finn assured him with a sigh. “This is all really new for me. I’ve never actually… you know… asked a guy out before. I’ve never even really kissed a man. This is all really overwhelming!”

“Wait… you’ve never kissed a man?” Ben questioned, a bit surprised. Finn seemed so confident most of the time, especially on stage. He oozed sex appeal, so comfortable with himself, whether he was wearing khakis or dressed in drag.

“Not romantically. I mean, I’ve done it in shows or whatever, but that was different. That was acting.”

“How can you be this awkward in person, with everything you do on stage? I don’t get it.” Finn had an incredible gift, but the more Ben got to know him, the harder it was to make sense of Rey’s best friend. He was such a contrast. There was the sexy drag queen Lola on stage, strutting her stuff in glittery high-heeled boots, and regular guy Finn who could barely say a fucking word when confronted with a crush. “You get on stage in front of hundreds of people dressed like a woman, but you blush at the thought of kissing a man you like?”

Finn rolled his eyes with a sigh. “It’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is.”

Finn snorted. “Have you ever kissed a man before?”

“No, but I assume it’s just like kissing a woman.”

“Don’t talk about things you know nothing about, Ben!”

Why was Finn so damn difficult? What was he so afraid of? It was a fucking kiss! It wasn’t that big of a deal! Ben dropped his arms to his side, taking a step forward and shoving Finn further away from the crowded street. “For once, I’m trying _not_ to be an asshole. I personally, would absolutely love it if this entire deal we made blew up in your fucking face, but this is just ridiculous!” He didn’t hesitate to invade Finn’s space, bending down just a bit since he was several inches taller. “You think too much! Stop being such a bitch! He’s just a guy! It’s not like you two are in love! It’s not like they actually _matter_ in your life! It’s not like you run the risk of fucking everything up if you let yourself be vulnerable with this person!”

“You mean like with you and Rey?” Finn shot back, shoving him away.

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“You know exactly what it means!” Finn challenged. “You have the nerve to question me, when you can’t even breathe normally if Rey get’s too close.”

“We’re just talking about a fucking kiss!”

Finn looked furious, nostrils flared as he tilted his head towards Ben. “And what would you know about that?! At this point I find it hard to believe your own damn _mother_ would bother to kiss you goodnight!”

Ben wanted to deck him. He was seeing red, instincts he’d developed over the years, built on anger issues from his shitty youth. In a flash he watched as one hand grabbing the front of Finn’s shirt. The other man backed up into the wall with wide eyes. Finn must have realized he’d gone too far, his hands raised in front of him in the hopes of preventing Ben’s attack. Yet even as something inside him snapped, there was a voice inside his head that made him pause. Invisible hands seemed to be holding him back, leaving his right fist hanging in midair, and keeping him from doing something stupid for once in his life.

He hesitated. Ben never hesitated when it came to his rage. He’d gotten arrested on more than one occasion for it. Been sent to so many anger-management seminars, he could practically give the speeches himself. His breathing was heavy even as he dropped his fist, but he wasn’t quite ready to let go of Finn’s shirt. What the hell was he doing? Finn was a friend. The man was genuinely struggling with something, and with one little fight Ben was ready to assault the idiot.

This was stupid. It wasn’t as if Finn knew his family history, or understood when a subject hit a little too close to home. When it became obvious Ben wasn’t going to deck him, Finn slowly lowered his hands, looking confused as fuck. Ben licked dry lips and forced his fingers to uncurl from around the man’s now wrinkled shirt. Instead of lowering the hand, he cupped Finn’s cheek, still eager to do something impulsive with so much adrenaline surging through his veins. 

Ben leaned forward without saying a word. The kiss was quick and brief, just a meeting of the mouths, as if he was terrified he might actually enjoy it if he lingered. He would have laughed at the dumbstruck look on Finn’s face, but he was never given the opportunity. The boys were interrupted by the sound of Rey clearing her throat, holding a small shopping bag from her ‘quick peek.’ _Shit._

“Well… that certainly explains quite a few things,” she said, eyebrows rising as she stared up at Ben. For once, Rey actually looked disappointed… maybe even a tad jealous, as if coming to some horrible realization that she’d never considered before. Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!

Ben snatched his hand away from Finn’s cheek, not quite sure where to put it, just leaving it hanging in the air. “I’M NOT GAY!” he shouted, just a little too loud. Rey and Finn were just staring at him. Neither saying a word. It was never a good sign when Rey couldn’t speak. “He… he said… and then we were… I was trying to make a point!” This was exactly why he couldn’t be trusted with friends or relationships. He was a fucking mess, and he knew it. He was so fucking incapable of making rational decisions.

He closed his eyes for a minute, just backing away from Finn and Rey. A random shopper bumped up against him as she passed. He could lose himself in this crowd right now. Never speak to Rey and Finn again. This might be his best chance at escaping this, but then Rey was reaching for his arm and pulling him back. Finn seemed to explode with laughter, slapping his bicep, and shaking his head. This time it was Ben left speechless and confused.

“Of course you’re not gay, Ben. That was literally the worst kiss ever,” Finn assured him with a roll of his eyes. His eyes softened as he smiled, and Ben got the feeling he was silently apologizing. Rey hadn’t been around for the fight, just the kiss, and perhaps Finn was feeling a little guilty about what he’d said. It wasn’t as if Ben was especially innocent either, but he nodded just the same.

Rey reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers as she tugged Ben away from the Topshop store, and just like that it was as if nothing had happened. “Honestly Ben, I hope you kiss women better than you kiss men.”

Ben was pretty sure he should be offended… or relieved… _something_. Instead, he just felt like an idiot. “I… I really don’t fucking understand you two,” he grumbled, running his free hand through his hair, as they headed towards the Tube Station.

“We know, Ben… we know.”

*******

The heavens opened up fairly soon after dropping off Finn at his flat, forcing Rey and Ben to grab a taxi to her place. Neither had bothered to take a jacket with them and Ben’s clothes were quickly soaked through. His hair kept dripping water into his face every time he leaned forward, and his shoes made squishing noises every time he took a step. Rey’s hair was in three buns today, but stray curls clung to her neck, reminding him of the day they’d met on the rooftop where she’d gotten them locked out.

Her laughter was infectious as she yanked him from the taxi and led him up to her apartment. He didn’t even stop to think as they bolted up the steps together and paused for breath against her door. To anyone else, this would have been a pretty shitty day. Between the new plans for a fucking party at his house, to almost sending Finn to the hospital because of his temper… not to mention being caught kissing the bastard just to prove a point. Yeah, definitely a disaster. Then again, when wasn’t he a disaster around Rey and her friends?

Ben was still struggling to catch his breath when he leaned his shoulder against the wall, turning towards Rey. He was surprised to see she’d been staring at him the entire time. “You know… it really isn’t fair, Ben.”

“What isn’t fair?” he questioned, watching her eyes glance down towards his lips. She’d never been good at being subtle.

“Finn’s gotten to kiss you and I haven’t,” she confessed with a frown. Again he noticed that look in her eye, a flash of jealousy. He hadn’t seen it when he’d lied to her about having a girlfriend, and he found himself deeply confused. She’d played it off nicely, but maybe she really did wonder if he was gay? He could prove his attraction to her right now. One kiss would be all it took. He could just fucking lean down and pin her to the door, let their tongues tangle lewdly, make her whimper with need. He knew he could do it and she wouldn’t fight him. She wanted to kiss him. Ben could see it in the way she bit her lip and stared.

There was a moment, a brief moment of insanity, in which he was fairly certain he’d give her what she wanted. He could feel himself leaning in, dragging his head against the wall towards her. Maybe he wasn’t a fucking coward after all, but then his cell phone was ringing and sanity returned. Ben pushed away from the wall and took a deep breath as his head started to spin. Rey huffed and pushed away from the door, pulling the keys from her pocket to let them inside. When he finally managed to pull his cell phone out he realized it was yet another call from his father. He’d been getting those a lot lately. He never answered them. “Shit… sorry,” he apologized, cutting off his phone.

Rey just smiled and shook her head. “Come inside. You’re dripping… you can take a shower while I try to dry those clothes.”

She left the door open for him as she walked in her flat. Ben watched her begin to pull off her sweater at the entrance of her bedroom, kicking the door closed behind her. Fuck. He shouldn’t… he really shouldn’t take a shower in her place. He’d been so close to giving in. Over the last few weeks his resolve was disintegrating. They spent too much time together. Texted each other late into the night. She was all he could think about before going to bed, and it was her face he saw when he wrote about Kira. 

He burned for her. There was no denying that truth now. It was more than just mere attraction, and that just made it worse. Ben had never felt this way about a woman before, and it scared the shit out of him. He’d been half terrified of her from the very start. He knew what she could do to him. He was defenseless. Vulnerable. Exposed in ways he’d never anticipated. She saw through his bullshit so easily. Rey wasn’t afraid to tell him what she wanted. She didn’t mind revealing her secrets to him, even as he constantly held back. He didn’t deserve her trust.

Ben shivered, his clothes stuck to his skin, making him feel extremely uncomfortable. He couldn’t exactly walk home, could he? He was soaking wet, and the taxi was long gone. Yet, he knew if he walked through the door something would happen. It was inevitable. A man could only take so much, and Rey was so fucking _desirable_. There wasn’t another word he could possibly think of.

The storm was getting worse. He could hear the rain pounding against Rey’s flat, echoing in the halls so loud it was hard to think. Fuck, he didn’t really have a choice did he? Ben’s eyes drifted towards the building’s window, taking in the dark gray clouds that were forcing him into a situation he wanted no part of. “I’m so fucked,” he grumbled as he walked inside Rey’s apartment and slammed the door shut behind him.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you guys think! I had some serious doubts about this chapter being worth posting, but it's the best I could do and you've waited long enough. Comments would be REALLY HELPFUL! Plus... you know, motivating! lol


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can blame PerryDowning for this chapter. It's all her fault, and she's agreed to take the blame. She's well aware she's untouchable!

When Ben Solo’s first book hit the best seller list, it hadn’t really affected his life significantly. There were promotional tours and book signings; so perhaps his celebrity status went up half a notch compared to when he was just Leia Organa-Solo’s son. Yet, his life remained surprisingly unchanged. He’d always had money. He’d always had opportunities, been introduced to others amongst his circle in fame or fortune.

The only real difference came when he was forced to read his own work in public, facing down an audience, and trying to keep his voice from quivering from nerves. Occasionally, he’d look up and see a woman staring back at him as if he’d just read a porn novel, and suddenly charm was unnecessary if he wanted to fuck her. They wanted him to be just as fucked up as Kylo Ren. They wanted him to be a bastard, and he played his part well. One night stands were always deceitfully empty though, and he got tired of those awfully quick.

Rey wasn’t anything like those girls. She demanded more of him. She knew he was a bastard, but she wanted humanity… wanted his softer side. Something about the way she corrected him… it was so fucking sexy. He’d never admit it out loud, but he liked when she called him on his bullshit. Ben craved her approval. She made him want to give a shit… and that was exactly what made her dangerous.

“You’re dripping.”

Ben wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing just inside her flat. She’d already changed into something dry. Unlike him, she’d mostly been soaked from the storm, but it was Ben that had managed to also get splashed by muddy water. Like the _valiant hero_ he’d never wanted to be, Ben had shielded Rey from the brown liquid that’d stained his dark clothes. He felt disgusting from head to toe. An absolute mess of rain and mud, ruining Rey’s nicely maintained floors. 

He swallowed thickly before answering, taking in her choice of attire. Rey had changed into a god damn midnight blue nightie with a silky robe to match. The nightie shimmered in the dim lighting, cut in a low V-neck with cascading fabric highlighting the perfect shape of her breasts. The long-sleeve robe hung open, giving him a great view of her cleavage and long legs. He had no idea if she was wearing underwear, and he forced himself to look away from her, feeling his face heat up with what was sure to be a blush.

Rey wasn’t one to put on a show when she walked. She crossed the space between them quickly and sighed at the puddle just below him. “Come on… let’s get you out of these wet clothes.”

Ben almost jumped out of his skin when her fingers pulled on his shirt, shoving it up carelessly and exposing his bare chest. He didn’t resist her as he wanted to. His arms flew up like the traitors they are, and he even ducked down so she could pull it over his head. This turned out to be a torturous mistake as his view of her cleavage came into focus, allowing him to confirm she was definitely naked underneath her nightie.

He immediately forgot how to breathe when Rey dropped the shirt on the floor at his feet, hiding a smile as her eyes took in his well-built frame. He’d always tried his best to take care of his body. He wasn’t a fucking supermodel by any means, but he was thick and his muscles well defined. She obviously liked what she saw, moles and all. Ben coughed, if only to fill the silence, his hands practically shaking with the need to touch her.

When Rey’s attention lowered to his pants to undo them, he finally managed to shift through the lust and smack her hands away. “I know how to take off my damn pants, Rey.”

She immediately laughed. “How about just the trousers? You can keep the pants on… for now anyway,” she teased.

Fuck, he forgot. Damn the British. They spoke English, but sometimes he felt like he still had to remember another language around them. Pants were another word for underwear, and there was no way in hell _those_ were coming off. “You know what I meant!” he grumbled as he yanked his trousers down and kicked them towards his shirt. His boots came off with the trousers, using the toe of each foot to slip them off. His socks were wet too, but he felt weird removing them. 

The moment he finally looked back at Rey, he realized she was staring at his legs now. He was doing amazingly well at keeping his libido in check, but eventually blood would rush south under her appreciative gaze. With a huff he bent over and grabbed the clothes, shoving them at Rey, and ruining the building tension between them.

“You said something about a shower?”

Rey’s smile was full of affection. “Finn often leaves clothes here in case he feels the need to crash at ours. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you borrowing something of his to wear. The washer is fantastic, but my dryer isn’t worth shit.”

Ben almost chuckled at that, nodding and thanking her before he walked away from her hungry gaze. He planned on taking the longest, coldest shower of his _fucking_ life….

*******

He’d probably wasted a fuckton of water, but he didn’t give a damn. It took ages to calm down after seeing Rey dressed in her sexiest night clothes. He knew it was late, but damn it, couldn’t she have just worn something _normal_ for once in her life? Was she trying to kill him? No… no, of course not! She was trying to fucking seduce him. She was fucking with the few remaining brain cells he had left. She enjoyed tormenting him. Damn her.

Sometime during the shower she’d even snuck inside to drop off Finn’s clothes, promising she wouldn’t peek as she dashed back outside again. All his efforts to avoid an erection were immediately wasted at the thought of her in the same room as him while he was busy soaping up his genitals. Nearly forty-five minutes later he’d managed to gain back the control he was so desperate for. He dried off quickly and tried on Finn’s clothes. Grey sweatpants and a matching, much darker grey sweatshirt. It fit him well enough. 

“Rey? How’s it going?” he’d asked the moment he was dressed, head peeking outside the hallway bathroom. 

“Your clothes are in the dryer. Shouldn’t take too long now!” she responded from a small closet where he assumed her washer and dryer were stacked. He forced himself to leave the safety of the bathroom and walked back towards the living room. Rey was quick to follow, holding his cell phone and wallet. “I assume you didn’t want these cleaned.”

“Fuck… no… thanks,” he said as he reached out for both and shoved them in his pockets. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d watched his wallet accidently while doing laundry. Like most kids with a privileged background he hadn’t been taught a lot of practical skills. Moving on his own had been the best and worst idea he’d ever had. On the one hand he learned independence and gained a little more self-respect. On the other hand, he ruined a fuckton of pots and pans in an effort to learn to cook, and spent so much money replacing ruined clothes. “And thanks for the shower… that water probably gave me the black plague.”

“We’ll have Rose test you for it when she gets home,” she teased with a cheerful giggle. Rey had loosely tied her robe closed, but it did very little to ruin his view of her perfect body. Her cleavage was still on display, and every time she walked the robe revealed those bare legs. He felt like ramming himself against a wall and welcoming the bliss of darkness that was sure to follow.

Feeling a little awkward standing around staring at Rey, Ben eagerly looked for something to occupy himself with. “What now?” It was probably the worst question he could ask her. He knew exactly what Rey wanted, though she managed not to flash him a wolfish smirk in response (which he was very grateful for!)

“We could always watch Netflix,” she offered.

The idea of snuggling with Rey on the couch while she was wearing… well, very little, was both alluring and horrifying at the same time. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat and nodded. He watched her quickly hop onto the sofa, and then tried his best to sit as far away from her as humanly possible. She rolled her eyes, but said nothing, flipping on the television and scrolling through movies. It didn’t take long for her to find something she liked, and Ben immediately groaned. “Fuck no!”

“ _Pride and Prejudice_ is a classic, Ben!”

“It’s literally the worst and I refuse to endure the fantasies of a lonely woman who didn’t know shit about men.” He’d rather just give in and fuck her against the couch, honestly. Not that he’d tell her that.

Rey rolled her eyes, bemoaning his stubbornness. “I for one find it extremely realistic. Especially considering the men in this story are just as clueless and pathetic as the ones I endure on a regular basis.”

“Oh really?” he challenged with a roll of his eyes. They’d discussed Jane Austen on more than one occasion. It usually ended in an argument, but at least it was more entertaining than the damn movie she was so eager to watch. 

“Actually, now that I think about it… you’d make the perfect Mr. Darcy! You even have all the riches and bad manners! And Finn’s fast becoming your best friend, hopelessly in love and vulnerable to a fault… just like Mr. Bingley!”

Ben scoffed. “Don’t compare me to that bumbling oaf! _No one_ is that awkwa-”

His words dropped off quickly as she shifted on the couch, invading his space and holding his gaze with the darkest eyes he’d ever seen. His hands were gripping the sofa hard enough to rip the cheap fabric, while her body pressed against his side. Her lips were too close for comfort, and he could smell her perfume… some sort of flower. Lavender maybe? He could never fucking tell. What the _hell_ was she doing? “Breathe, Ben,” she whispered, her lips curling at the corners. “Don’t forget to breathe.”

It had been a minute. His lungs slowly filled with oxygen again, though they seemed to falter when he exhaled, registering every move she made with hyper awareness. Her eyes… so fucking mesmerizing. Sometimes they looked like a deep green with an inner golden ring. Sometimes they seemed so brown, they were downright ordinary. Tonight it was like all the color in her irises had vanished completely, overcome by the dilated pupils that were currently drinking him in. He hardened immediately, as if she’d flipped some unknown biological switch, taking full control of his body to suit her needs. What the fucking _HELL_ was she doing?

“I see it, Ben. I’m not blind. I see the way your hands tremble… as if you’re fighting the temptation to touch me. I’ve watched you gasp and stiffen whenever my skin brushes yours. You don’t realize it, but you spend an awful amount of time admiring my tits. You seemed especially concerned with me assuming you were gay when I caught you kissing Finn. Just outside my flat you leaned in close like you wanted to kiss me. What holds you back, Ben? What are you so afraid of?”

Rey was like no woman Ben Solo had ever known. He refused to be seduced. He refused to be pulled in by her. “I… I don’t know,” he answered (like a FUCKING IDIOT).

“That night I gave you that scar on your face… you told me a wonderfully sad story, Ben.” Her lips were moving closer. Fuck, fuck, fuck! “It wasn’t just a sad story, though, was it? It was a love story. Your grandfather loved your grandmother so much he stopped living when he lost her.”

“It _broke_ him, Rey,” Ben almost growled, his eyes drifting down to those perfectly pink lips. He wanted her so bad. _Fuck._

“Is that what you’re afraid of? Finding something that might break you too?” she pushed, drifting even closer to his open mouth.

Ben shook his head, just a subtle jerk, shocked to discover he was leaning forward. “I think I’m already broken enough, don’t you?”

“Believe it or not, Ben… I’m really good at fixing things,” she assured him as she surged towards him capturing his lips just as he sucked air into his starving lungs. Fuck if it wasn’t everything he’d ever imagined. Her lips were soft and pliant against his. It wasn’t hard to deepen the kiss when his jaw had already been inches from the floor, and she took full advantage of Ben’s shock to explore his mouth. Her tongue was wicked, tasting him thoroughly and sliding along his own as if eager to start a duel.

In seconds her legs straddled his hips. His hands settled on her thighs as his eyes slammed shut and he kissed her back. She was pressing hard against his crotch, and his head was swimming… drifting… stuck in the clouds. His fucking brain was useless to him now. All that seemed to matter was her body against his. The silky feel of her nightie, her smooth thighs underneath his hands, and those perfect tits pressing into his chest. This time it didn’t seem to matter that he couldn’t breathe. Rey was the only thing he needed to keep living.

Slowly his hands slid further up her thighs, curving around her ass and pressing her tighter against his aching cock. What the fuck were _THEY_ doing? Rey was his friend. She wasn’t just a beautiful woman for him to shove his cock into. She wasn’t a one night stand. Never that. This couldn’t be about sex… and yet, it couldn’t be about love either. It didn’t matter what he felt or what she wanted. One day love would turn to hate. One day all the cute little quirks Rey loved about him would turn into the thing they fought most over. He’d disappoint her. He’d break her heart. He’d fucking ruin this and end up alone anyway. 

He didn’t want Rey. He didn’t want to know what she tasted like. He didn’t want to know what her mouth would feel like wrapped around his dick. Ben didn’t want to come inside her, and have those memories haunting him when she’d finally had enough and walked away. It was always so amazing in the beginning, but he knew how it would end. In divorce or a fucking mental hospital. His father used to say he was a little too sensitive… a little too much like his grandfather… _those damn Skywalker genes_.

Ben pulled away from her, breaking their heated kiss, and slid from her arms. He left the couch so fast he almost caused her to hit the floor. Solo shoved a hand through his hair and took several deep breathings, trying so hard to steady the beating heart slamming against his ribs. “I can’t! I’m sorry… Rey… I’m so fucking sorry, but I can’t!” he shouted angrily. This time when he was shaking it wasn’t just from arousal.

Rey was still, sitting on the couch, her eyes lowered to look at her hands as they played with the silky tie of her robe. He almost wished she was just as angry as he was. Maybe it would be easier of they were both involved in the fight he knew was bubbling forth from somewhere deep inside him. He was so fucking pissed, and he wasn’t even sure why.

“It’s not that I don’t want you, Rey! You know I do! Fuck! You _felt_ how much I desire you when you crawled into my fucking lap, but this can’t happen! I’m not even going to bullshit you on this! It’s not about protecting you! You can handle yourself just fine! You’ve made that perfectly clear!” His hands were waving in the air, his tone loud and crueler than usual. “I’m a fucking MESS, Rey! I’m a BASTARD! I’m an IDIOT! I WILL FUCK THIS UP! Maybe not today… maybe not tomorrow, but I’ll do it! One day I’ll push too far, and you’ll be done! You’ll be exhausted! Everything you love about me will turning into the thing you hate most, and I can’t watch that happen, Rey! I saw it with my parents, and I can’t fucking go through that with you! I FUCKING CAN’T!”

Rey didn’t say a word. He could tell that she was angry, but she said nothing. The silence felt like a knife twisting in his stomach. He needed her to say something, but he wasn’t sure what. The buzzer for the dryer went off and she slowly moved to stand, passing the couch on her way down the hall. Ben watched silently as she pulled the clothes from the dryer. She draped them on her arm and slammed the dryer door hard enough to make him wince. Rey returned to the living room in seconds and shoved his clothes at his chest. Her eyes were as cold as ice. “The storms finally calming down. Maybe you should leave.”

He knew if he didn’t say something it would be over. He’d lose her as a friend and so much more. If he didn’t apologize, talk things out… if he walked through the door there was no chance of looking back. Their relationship both professionally and personally would be gone. Perhaps it was doomed from the very start. “Rey-”

When she finally met his gaze he lost his nerve. There was something in her expressionless face that told him everything he needed to know. “I wanted to know what happens next. Now I know.”

He was reminded of her words echoing in the staircase just moments after they were freed from the roof. That was it? Would she really end it here? He felt like he’d been cornered and lashed out, but what the fuck was he supposed to do? He couldn’t be what she wanted. “I tried to warn you… I swear I did.” He wasn’t sure why it felt like his chest was caving in. He couldn’t comprehend why it hurt to look at Rey now. He missed her smile. He missed the way her eyes would light up when she teased him. He wanted it all back, wanted to turn back time, but then again… he knew they’d always have reached this point eventually. Maybe it was better to cut ties now?

Ben gripped his clothes tight and slipped his shoes on. He didn’t have the balls to look back before he unlocked her front door. “See you around, Ben.” He paused, eyes lowered to the floor, then finally he walked out of her flat and shut the door behind him.

*******

He wasn’t sure what possessed him to buy the ticket. Maybe he just felt the need to take a break and clear his head. Or maybe he was just hoping a change in scenery would help him solve the riddle of his life. One of the largest cities he’d ever lived in, but it was still too fucking close to _her_. Before he even knew what he was doing, a plane ticket with his name on it was being emailed to him. The destination was Washington D. C. to see his mother. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Everything became a series of tasks. One step to the next, propelling him forward when all he wanted to do was stop. He packed his bag. He didn’t need much and he didn’t plan on being there long. He didn’t waste time. Ben changed his clothes, shoving Finn’s into a bag so he could return them later. The flight was for that early morning, and he had the money to waste for something last minute. He took a taxi to Gatwick, cause he fucking hated Heathrow. His body was moving, but he felt more like a zombie. He checked in saying as few words as possible. He moved through security with the practiced ease of a frequent flyer. Ben got on the plane and ordered as many alcoholic drinks as he could manage. The flight was nearly seven hours long, and he slept through most of it.

Another security check, mindless questions about contact with animals from a fucking machine, before he could print it all off and hand it to customs. He barely registered anything as colors started to fade and his mind turned numb. He wasn’t thinking. He wasn’t processing. Ben was absolutely lost, spiraling in ways he’d never imagined possible. His mind kept circling around his words to Rey, trying to think of what he could have done differently and coming up blank. He whistled for a taxi. Where too? Fuck. He could only think about his mother’s address in Georgetown. He’d find a hotel later… he had all day.

It was sunny and hot. Nothing like what he’d left behind back home in London. Not even a fucking cloud in the sky. He really hated the sun. The city of Washington had never been all that impressive to Ben. He’d grown up being shuffled between New York and D.C. and between the two, he’d always preferred New York. He liked tall buildings, and getting lost in a crowd. Washington certainly had a unique history and charm, but it wasn’t _home_. Still, it’d changed a lot since the last time he’d come for a visit. Neighborhoods were changing every day as investors purchased specific areas, driving out the poor like they were animals. Leia Organa-Solo had been settling up charities left and right to prevent people from losing their homes, but it didn’t really feel like she was making much of a difference. 

Eventually, the taxi pulled over in front of a brick, semi-detached house in the east village. There was a fucking American flag waving in the wind just over his mother’s door. It seemed to be a fucking requirement for politicians who wanted to make some sort of statement. All Ben ever saw was an eyesore. He paid the driver well and slipped out from the cab with his suitcase, tugging it up the small step and rang the doorbell. He probably should have called first, but fuck, he wasn’t thinking clearly enough for that shit. He just wanted to see his mother. He wasn’t even sure why.

Nothing.

He rang it again.

Still nothing.

One last time.

Movement. Ben banged at the door hard, making it shake, urging whoever was on the other side to stop wasting his time.

The front door swung open so quickly Ben jumped back startled. “For fuck’s sake, what?!”

Ben blinked, completely stunned. The last thing he’d expected to find was his fucking father at the door. The LAST THING he’d expected to find was his fucking father standing half naked in his mother’s FUCKING house. The _LAST THING_ he’d EVER expected was to find his fucking father standing half naked in his mother’s FUCKING house… with a god damn vibrator in his hand.

Han Solo’s eyes widened, and he immediately threw the vibrator down the hall as if that would somehow make things better. His smile was awkward and crooked, and it was only then that Ben realized he was adjusting himself in his boxers. “Hiya kid! It’s uh… kinda a bad time right now….”

Ben hardly even heard him. Blood was rushing to his head, making him feel dizzy. He took a deep, shaky breath, and fucking screeched. “ **WHAT. THE. FUCK?!** ”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I know this chapter was a bit angsty, but let's face it... Ben was BOUND to fuck this up bad! And you can't be too mad at me! A wild Han has appeared! Lots of Han and Leia in the next chapter! Aren't you guys fucking excited?! Please comment... you know I need it to keep living....


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT THIS SURPRISE UPDATE! OMG! THIS IS AMAZING! Ben Solo is about to get a fucking wake-up call. Leia Organa-Solo deals with her grumpy son....

Ben couldn’t stop pacing in front of the large, navy blue couch in his mother’s sitting room, only pausing for a few seconds before he’d shove a hand through his hair and mutter to himself. A few times his eyes would drift to the wall to his right with a built-in bookshelf full of self-help guides on car repair, dramatic fiction, and political or military autobiographies. The window to his left was concealed behind the large closed, grey curtains. Eventually, he was forced to look back at the two patiently waiting for him to calm down. 

On the couch, his parents sat side by side, both slightly red-faced from the embarrassment of being discovered fucking by their only son. His father’s arms were draped along the back cushions still in those damn boxers, and his mother was sitting up, stiff as a board, while wrapped up in a large, white sheet. He wasn’t even sure what to fucking say. He’d wanted a distraction from Rey, but holy shit… NOT THIS! He forced himself to stop moving and to face his parents head on. He needed answers, and he wasn’t going to get those having a nervous breakdown.

“So what the fuck is this? Are you two back together now?!”

Han shrugged, leaning his head back to avoid his son’s gaze. One finger touched the wall, poking at a bit of dry wall that was peeling. “We’re trying not to label it, son.”

“YOU ANSWERED THE DOOR HOLDING A FUCKING VIBRATOR, DAD!”

His father’s eyes shot to his with a glare, actually daring to look offended by his attitude. As if he couldn’t see how fucking problematic all this was. “ _ **Look**_ kid, the little blue pill can work miracles, but I’m still only one man!” he growled, using the finger dusted white from drywall to point at his chest.

Ben’s eyes almost bugged out of his skull at the response, slapping his hands against his face and rubbing hard as if somehow he could wake up from this living nightmare. This wasn’t happening. He could not be seeing this. He could not be _hearing_ this! “Oh dear god… I wanna be free of this pain,” he groaned. He’d run from one hell to another, and he was starting to wish the plane had crashed.

“Oh for heaven’s sake!” Leia huffed, flashing Han a glower before she looked up at her son. “Look Ben, there’s no use getting so dramatic about all this! You’re just going to have to live with the fact that your father and I have been regularly engaging in sexual intercourse again. It’s perfectly natural, and it isn’t like we don’t still love each other very much!”

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, MOM! Don’t _call_ it that! Don’t even _say_ that!” Ben waved his arms in the air wildly, desperate to keep her from continuing. He wanted nothing more than to turn back time. These were the moments in which ignorance was truly bliss. “Why the hell would I ever want to know about any of this?!”

Leia rolled her eyes, tugging at the white sheet to prevent it from revealing the naked skin underneath. “You asked!”

“That is not what I was aski- jeez… fuck! What the hell is _wrong_ with you guys?!” he screamed at them, far too angry and confused to express himself properly.

“Oh come on, kid! It ain’t that big a deal! Most people would be happy to see their parents back together,” Han griped.

Ben’s hands clenched into fists, so very tempted to do something he knew he’d regret. “Oh, well in that case, please forgive me! I mean, it’s not like you’ve put a _label_ on this little dalliance,” he snapped, voice dripping with sarcasm.

Han gripped the couch cushions, muscles tense. “God damn it, Ben! Could you just quit being such a bastard for more than five minutes?! This isn’t about you! Your mother and I are trying to fix things between us! We’re trying to work through the problems that broke us up in the first place! It’s a _good_ thing!”

He almost fucking laughed. A good thing?! Was he serious? “Oh, _I’m_ being a bastard?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Wonder where I could have gotten _that_ from, _father_!” he roared.

Han shot up to his feet, sufficiently pissed off. “According to you, I wasn’t even _around_ enough to have that kind of influence!”

Leia was next to stand, dropping a hand on her husband’s chest. “This isn’t going to solve anything, Han! Think of your heart, for god’s sakes!”

Ben knew they both needed to calm down. The last time they’d fought like this his father had been sent to the hospital for a mild heart attack. It’d happened not long before he’d started writing his first book and he could still remember sitting in the waiting room with a doctor assuring him that he hadn’t just _killed_ Han Solo. That his father was due to make a full recovery. Ben liked to work through his shit in fiction, and having Kylo actually _succeed_ in murdering his own father had been strangely cleansing. Especially, after the shock of seeing his father collapse right in front of him, clutching at his chest. 

Fleeing the room seemed the better option than a repeat of that last fight. Ben quickly stormed off into the kitchen before they could say another word. He wasn’t sure if he was looking for alcohol or some fucking bleach to drink down. One would get him drunk and the other would kill him, and frankly, either option was looking pretty good right now. 

Unfortunately, his mother was hot on his heels, slamming her refrigerator closed before he could even reach for something that looked toxic enough to kill brain cells. “You are behaving like a child!”

Ben scoffed, refusing to look her in the eye when she was still standing in front of him naked under her sheet. “A child?! A fucking child?! I come here to see you, and instead your estranged husband greets me with a fucking vibrator in his hand! How would you feel?!”

Leia, ever the politician had an answer for everything. “Well for one, I would have _called_ first! And he’s not my _estranged husband_ … he’s your god damn father, Ben! He’s a part of this family!”

“Since when?!” Ben’s back slammed against the fridge, making it shudder under his massive weight. His arms were folded, and maybe he _was_ acting like a child. He was already having flashbacks of his teenage years. He and his mother were very good at communicating at high volumes, especially back then. It seemed to be a requirement in the Solo household. ‘ **Must be this loud to enjoy the freedom of self-expression** ,’ or some shit. His head dropped back, thumping against the hard surface behind him, eyes drifting to the ceiling as he tried to just breathe.

“That’s not fair, and you know it, Ben.”

He was shaking with rage, and only now did he realize he was also blinking back tears. Most people would be delighted to see their parents back together, as his father had so readily pointed out, and perhaps years ago he would have been, but instead he just felt confused. Nothing in his life was making sense, and he was so fucking tired of never knowing what was going on around him. He let his head roll to the side, finally looking down at Leia Organa. Even with a fucking sheet she stood as proudly as a royal… not an inch of shame to be seen. “You two were miserable together, mom.”

Leia’s dark eyes seemed to soften at that, and he hated how disappointed she looked. “It hurts to hear you say that, Ben. Han and I had so many good times… those are the memories I missed most.” With a sigh she shook her head, leaning against the white, marble counter across from him. “Don’t get me wrong… he drove me absolutely crazy, but honestly, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.”

“Then why did you separate?! Why did he constantly leave us?! Why did I spend half my life being fathered by Lor FUCKING San Tekka instead of Han Solo?!”

“Ben, nobody’s perfect! I don’t pretend to have all the answers! I know we didn’t always do right by you, but it’s not fair for you to judge him! It’s not like he ever had a father growing up! From the moment you were born Han switched between unconditional adoration to crippling anxiety when he held you in his arms. Lor knew it wasn’t easy for him, and he tried to fill the gaps!” Leia shook her head once more, using one hand to send a dismissing wave towards Ben. “I don’t know why I bother! Every time we talk about your father we end up having the same damn argument! I’m too old and too tired to live in the past, Ben! Judge my decisions all you want, son, but Han Solo is a good man! There’s no doubt he has his faults, but there’s not a soul alive who hasn’t lived with a few regrets! Get over it and grow _the fuck_ up, Ben!”

She walked away before he could retort (which was probably a good thing considering how cruel he could be). He heard her stomping noisily up the stairs, and when he left the kitchen and dining room, he could see the edges of her sheet dragging behind her. Ben cursed under his breath, grabbing the wood railing with both hands, so tempted to rip the damn thing apart. He sure as hell needed to break _something_. 

In the brief time he’d been arguing with his mother, Han Solo had left the sitting room. Ben could only hope he was putting on clothes so he could fucking _leave_. He didn’t want to deal with this shit. In fact, he’d be more than happy to pretend it never even happened. His mother was making a terrible mistake, but even he realized he couldn’t force her to see reason. No one told Leia Organa how to live her life, and Ben was wise enough not to even try.

It didn’t take long for quiet whispers from upstairs to turn into an argument. Occasionally, he heard his name mentioned, and faint requests for Han to take a walk and come back when his son was calmer. His father immediately grumbled about being kicked out of his own _damn_ house, and Ben immediately backed away from the stairs in horror. What the fucking hell?! 

Han Solo was _living_ with her?! Dear god, what had he come back to? Why hadn’t anyone bothered to tell him?! Ben couldn’t take it. The argument was already getting louder, a bit too close to what he remembered coming home to as a child. He returned to the kitchen to wait it out, unable to prevent himself from shoving the refrigerator against the wall as hard as he could. There was the distinct sound of glass breaking inside, and something spilling. He could only hope it wasn’t anything alcoholic. He was very eager to spend the rest of this day getting drunk.

*******

“Ben?”

Ben lifted his head up from his hands, not sure when he’d fallen asleep. His back was against the tiled wall of his mother’s kitchen, and his ass had mostly definitely gone numb from the hardness of the floor. His mother was fully dressed, wearing white dress pants and a soft, rose colored blouse. Her thin belt was gold and tan, with jewelry to match. He’d always admired his mother’s fashion sense. She had a taste for the finer things, but she never looked over the top. Even her long grey and brown hair had been braided neatly like a crown upon her head. 

“Your father’s left for the day. He’ll be back this evening. I think we ought to talk.”

His nostrils flared at the thought, but he pushed off from the floor anyway. He’d already run from one fucked up situation, and he didn’t really have the energy to flee from another. Once on his feet, he towered over Leia, but he still felt like nothing more than a toddler as she led him towards the sitting room. A wine glass sat on the glass coffee table, and she immediately took it and savored a sip of the red.

“Well talk about you breaking up things in my refrigerator later, but for now I suppose I owe you an explanation.”

“Is this why dad kept calling me?” Ben asked, taking a seat on the couch, staring at the blue and grey Oriental rug underneath his boots. He couldn’t quite gather the nerve to look at Leia when she was standing over him. He felt like he was seconds away from a good scolding.

Leia took another sip before she finally returned the wine glass back on the coffee table. “I wanted you to hear about us from him. He was worried you wouldn’t approve.”

“I don’t approve,” he grumbled weakly.

This response proved to be a mistake as Leia’s hands immediately took rest on her hips. Her eyes narrowed as she leaned forward, lips pressed together in a deep frown. “I don’t give a _damn_ what you approve of, Ben! I wanted him to tell you the truth, not ask for your fucking _permission_!” Leia wasn’t known for being fowl-mouthed unless she was exceptionally angry. Ben’s bad habits were purely Han and Lor’s influence. He swallowed thickly before glancing up at his mother. He’d been right… this was definitely going to turn into a scolding. “You have no right coming into my house and treating us like teenagers having some fumbling romance! He’s my husband, Ben! He’s your father! This is our family whether you like it or not!”

Ben wanted to argue that point, but he knew better than to speak when she was this upset. She knew better than anyone just how absent Han Solo had been while Ben was growing up. How many times had she nagged him about taking more time off to spend with his only son? Or trying to take an interest in what Ben was doing? Hell, he’d lost count of the many fights involving Han’s habits to walk away when things in the house were getting tense. Once or twice it was Leia shoving him out of the house, demanding he return when he was ready to discuss their issues like an adult. She’d always missed him when he was gone. Nothing little Ben ever did seemed to distract her from that.

Leia took a breath, dropping into the chair across from him, her dark eyes scanning over his face curiously. It felt like she was only just _now_ taking in his disheveled state. He hadn’t really shaved in a while, his hair was limp and a little unruly from shoving his hand through it so often. His clothes were wrinkled, and there were surely dark circles forming around his eyes from lack of proper sleep. “Why are you here, Ben?”

“I wanted to see you.”

Leia shook her head, tilting her head to the side, sizing him up just like she always did when he refused to be honest with her. “Try again.”

Ben refused to meet her gaze. “I don’t kno-”

“Nope,” she interrupted, her voice hardening at his resistance. “Ben Solo… you talk to me right now. Spill it.”

He fucking hated when she did that. Ben licked dry lips and leaned back on the couch, staring back at his mother. “The publishing company I have a contract with won’t publish my latest book until I give Kylo Ren a fucking girlfriend.”

Leia’s scowl turned into an instant smile, eyes shining in amusement. “Hmmm… I’m sure that didn’t go over very well with you.”

“I just barely held back from destroying Armitage’s office.”

“Well, I admire your restraint,” Leia retorted with an eyeroll. “What will you do?”

Ben sighed, his jaw clenched for a moment, not quite ready to discuss the actual problem currently eating at him. He needed a change in subject, something to distract her with. “You haven’t even said anything about my face.”

“Lor already told me about the door incident,” Leia finally revealed, and his eyes instantly widened as he realized that meant she probably already knew about Rey. Politicians like her were dangerous. They were the ones that knew how to manipulate someone with as few words as possible, insert ideas while making the other person feel like this brilliant notion was _theirs_. He’d watched her do it to others, but rarely did she attempt that shit with him or Han. He wondered if she’d ever been tempted to try. “The scar makes you look distinctive.” 

“What else did Lor tell you?” Ben pressed, arms folding across his broad chest.

Leia wasn’t intimidated. “He told me you fell in love with your muse.”

One thing about his family… they never pulled their god damn punches. Ben felt the air leave his lungs in seconds. He wasn’t sure what angered him the most… the fact that Lor told his mother about Rey… or that his attempt to derail the conversation had backfired horrifically. “She’s not my fucking muse!” he growled.

Leia quirked an eyebrow. “Funny how you didn’t deny the part about _being in love_.”

“I was getting to that next,” he countered.

“No you weren’t,” she fired back.

Ben’s mouth hung open briefly, at a loss for words. Eventually he snapped it shut, choosing to look back at the rug. Why even bother? Of course he loved Rey. How could he not care about her? She was warm like sunshine. Her good mood was alarmingly contagious. She was the greatest friend he’d ever had, and loyal to a fault. He’d been fucking miserable since their fight. He’d be a fool not to want her. He’d be an idiot to deny her. He’d be a bastard to hurt her. Ben was fucking all those things and more. He could feel his eyes welling up with tears, and he tried to blink them away. “I fucked up.”

“Yes well… you are a _Solo_ , after all,” Leia sighed, shaking her head. “The question is how do you plan on fixing it?”

“I don’t think I _should_ fix it,” he insisted. “I can’t give her what she wants.”

Leia leaned forward, taking her time to stand and walk around the coffee table. She plopped down beside him and immediately slipped her hands into Ben’s hair, combing through it just like she used to when he was a child. He leaned into her touch just as a tear finally escaped, and watched his mother brush it away with the thumb of her other hand. “Yes you can.”

“Mom… I… I can’t-”

“If what she wants is you, then damn it Ben… you can give her that!”

Ben pulled away from his mother, pushing off the couch and rubbing furiously at his eyes. He was getting angry again, his heart thudding against his chest like he was seconds from a panic attack. “You don’t understand! It’s not that simple! Maybe you can just ignore the past and pretend, but I can’t! Look at you! All those years and you’ve learned _nothing_!”

“You mean because I choose to remain with my husband?” Leia calmly questioned.

“He was a fucking BASTARD! You separated from him for a reason! You were tired of him treating you like shit! Treating US like shit!”

“Is that really what you think?” Leia questioned, eyebrows wrinkled in surprise. “Is that really how you saw our relationship?”

Ben combed his hands through his hair, certain he was about to snap any second. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! OF COURSE! Why do you think I fucking hated him so much?!” Leia swallowed hard, and suddenly he realized there were tears in her eyes too. He’d made his mother fucking cry. What the hell was he doing?! “I just don’t understand it! How the hell can you trust him after everything he put us through?!”

“Everything he put us through?!” Leia questioned, shaking her head. “For god’s sake, Ben… what about the hell I put _him_ through?!” She rose to her feet, staring him down through her tears, and Ben backed away from her in surprise. “What about the times I pushed _him_ away?! I was so god damn busy trying to save the world I never had any energy left to save our marriage! All Han ever wanted was to feel like I gave a damn! He _wanted_ me to miss him, to need him, to beg him back… BECAUSE IT WAS THE ONLY WAY HE COULD CONFIRM I STILL _LOVED_ HIM! He spent his entire life on his own, Ben, only himself to rely on! He never had a family! The closest thing he had to a friend was his _dog_! It takes two people to break up a marriage, Ben! Han wasn’t the only coward in this house!”

Her words pierced him like a knife, and the silence that followed just emphasized the blood that was sure to follow. He’d never seen her talk this way, never seen her so honest with him. Perhaps because they so rarely had these conversations. Leia Organa liked to carry on as if she were untouchable, and Ben wasn’t fond of bringing up the past. Seeing them back together had brought back a lot of anger, and not even he had expected to get so upset. He supposed most parents didn’t make it a habit of involving their children in their shit, but he couldn’t help feeling like half his life was a mystery he’d yet to solve. 

Little things drifted into the back of his mind, memories he’d paid so little attention to. Watching his parents holding onto each other after a fight, Han’s hand stroking her hair as he whispered an apology. Han Solo walking into his room, looking so damn awkward as he attempted to ask Ben how he was doing, after spending half the day with boys from the neighborhood. The look of helplessness on his father’s face when Ben would inevitably snap at him or dismiss him. Watching his father leave the house while his wife screamed about how selfish he was being, his back turned away from her as if he was afraid of revealing something. Enduring Lor San Tekka’s lectures on drawing conclusions without seeing the bigger picture, whether they were talking about literature or his feelings about his father. Pretending to be asleep as his father sat on Ben’s bed in the middle of the night, gently brushing the hair from his face.

“I’m retiring, Ben. _That’s_ why your father and I are back together. For once in my life I’m going after what really matters. Perhaps it’s time you do the same.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's more angst in this chapter! If it makes you feel better Rey will be back next chapter and if I'm properly bribed in the comment section I might even be inclined to step up the fluff! Mwhahahahaha! I'm just kidding, but seriously, comment... I need it!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I have a visitor over and I'm pretty busy, so don't expect too many quick updates this month, but I managed to finish this chapter just before she arrived! Hope you guys enjoy!

This was what insanity felt like. Ben was sure of it. It was more alarming than he’d ever imagined. His parents were sitting across from him, and it was starting to feel like an episode of _The Twilight Zone_. He watched quietly as Han Solo dropped an arm on the back of Leia’s chair, leaning in close to whisper something to his wife that would make her smile or laugh. She’d whack playfully at his shoulder and tell him to _‘behave himself,’_ though obviously, she didn’t mean a word of it. Occasionally he’d flash Ben a glare, as if daring him to ruin their pleasant mood, probably still a bit sore about being kicked out of the house most of the day. The entire display was disturbing, and Ben averted his gaze to stare at the table.

All Ben could think about was Rey. She’d probably be asleep by now. He briefly wondered if she was sleeping alone… or maybe she’d found some random guy to fuck and relieve all the built up tension. Finn would probably make a helpful wingman. Ben’s stomach twisted at the thought. The image was almost as revolting as the disaster playing out across the table between his parents. He couldn’t live like this. He felt physically ill with every second that ticked by. Was he going through some form of withdrawal? Was it possible to miss another person this much? To feel crushed by this overpowering _need_ to hear a person’s voice? To know what they were doing?

He almost screamed right there at the dinner table when his mother laughed, rolling her eyes as she endured her husband’s shameless flirtations. Ben was gripping the table hard enough to crack the mahogany. He was in _hell_. His parents busy falling madly in love with each other again, while he’d just pushed the best thing in his life to the breaking point. Oh god, what had he done? What was he thinking? How could he have screwed up so badly? He’d had Rey on his god damn lap, practically sitting on his cock in a fucking nightie! He couldn’t breathe. He was going to die alone and not a soul would be at his funeral.

Ben forced himself to let go of the table and take another sip of his wine. He tried to ignore the way his hand shook. He probably looked so pathetic right now. Ben Solo, the fucking loser, barely capable of holding a wine glass. His eyes switched over to the half-eaten meal in front of him, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to send it flying against a wall or Han Solo’s face. Was he really jealous of his own father? Had his life really sunk to this level? It didn’t exactly seem fair. Han had worked so hard to screw up his life in every way. He’d fucked up over and over again. His marriage falling to shambles, and his son a fucking mess! Yet here they all were… having a family meal together as if the past never happened. He hoped the bastard choked on his fucking fettucine.

That was the worst part. His mother had made fucking pasta... Han Solo’s favorite. It was _fucking_ chicken alfredo. Leia Organa, the same woman that had rarely cooked a day in her life. She hated cooking. She burned food so often that the take-out restaurants knew her by name! She would usually end up calling them and try to pass it off as hers. No one ever dared question her. Of course she hadn’t made the fucking shrimp fried rice, but no one who valued their lives was gonna confront her over that shit. It just wasn’t worth the risk!

Rey wasn’t much of a cook either… outside of that perfect breakfast she’d made him, which was fine by Ben. He wouldn’t have minded her handling the morning, while he spoiled her evenings with something a bit more varied. Lor had taught him how to cook at a very young age. They’d made everything together, dipping into every culture, exploring every recipe they could get their hands on. Sometimes Lor would make Ben recite vocabulary words in Spanish as he made paella, or rehash the history of Marie Antoinette while they baked a cake. Ben resisted every fucking lesson like he was being tortured to death, but secretly he’d loved being in the kitchen with his tutor. The man was a master at making learning feel like less of a chore. He wondered if Rey would have let him teach her how to make more than just a proper English breakfast. 

“So kid... I hear you have a lady-friend back in London?” his father finally asked, shifting his focus from Leia to his son. Ben was certain his mother had urged him to do it. She was determined to broker peace between the Solo boys, end this war before there were any actual casualties. It was a hopeless endeavor in Ben’s opinion, but he wasn’t about to tell his mother that. He’d probably just end up enduring another scolding.

“You’re mistaken,” Ben groused between clenched teeth. He finished the rest of his wine and set down the glass a little harder than necessary, grateful it didn’t shatter in his hand. His mother would have killed him. He’d broken enough things for one day.

Han took a sip of his beer, the really cheap stuff, but somehow managed to keep his eyes on Ben. He would never understand his father’s taste in alcohol. All the money in the world, and Han Solo rarely spent a dime of it on something worth drinking. “You screw it up already? That was fast.”

“Han,” Leia scolded, giving a far less playful whack this time. Han winced, but it was more from surprise than actual pain.

“What?” his father cried out, shooting her an innocent look. “What did _I_ do?”

Leia tipped her head towards Han. “He doesn’t need you making him feel any worse than he already does!”

“I’m not trying to make him feel bad, Leia! I just know how he gets! He’s never been especially good at holding onto a good thing!”

“Can you blame him? He hasn’t exactly had the best examples,” Leia argued.

“Well, neither did I, but it didn’t stop me from pursuing you! My foster parents were a fucking mess! Should have been locked away in prison with the key thrown in a god damn furnace-“

“Well, I’m going to bed,” Ben interrupted. His parents turned back to look at him, as if just now remembering he was in the room. He remembered the feeling well. This kind of shit was exactly why he didn’t visit very often.

“But you didn’t finish your dinner,” Leia protested.

Ben slid his chair back from the table, ignoring the annoying screech of wood furniture against wood floors, and stood up. “Wasn’t that hungry.”

“You sure, kiddo?” asked Han, managing to look slightly concerned. That was something, Ben supposed. Usually he’d just wave his son off in-between bites of his dinner.

“Oh... very sure.” Ben could only take so much. He desperately craved the bliss of his quiet room... with a door he could close and lock.

“It’s only eight o’clock!” his mother complained, glancing down at his plate more than once. She was frowning now. Leia hated waste. More than likely she’d force Han to finish it off, not that his father would resist. The man’s stomach was a bottomless pit.

“Yeah, but you know... jet lag is a bitch.” Ben backed away from the table and turned towards the stairs, gripping the rails a little too hard as he began his climb.

“Good night, Ben!” Leia shouted after him.

“Want me to read ya a bedtime story?” his father teased from below.

“Fuck off, Pop,” Ben replied, hearing his father chuckle loudly, before he finally reached the top and swung open the door. His mother always kept his old room ready for guests, and for that Ben was eternally grateful. He really didn’t feel like hunting for a hotel last minute. 

Ben kicked the door closed and dropped face first into his bed. Alone at last. Perhaps he couldn’t escape his parents completely, but this felt like a fucking sanctuary after what he’d just endured. Slowly he pushed off to roll on his back and stare at the ceiling. He wondered what Rey would have thought of his father. She’d probably adore him. Everyone did. The neighbor kids. Women. Dogs. Always the charmer. Sometimes Ben wished that damn heart attack really _had_ killed him. He’d work through the guilt later once funeral arrangements were finished.

Ben reached into his jeans and pulled out his phone, staring at it for nearly a minute before he unlocked the damn thing and pulled up Rey in his contacts. Her picture immediately came up and he found himself frozen on the spot. What if he sent her a text? What if he apologized for what happened? Would it matter? Would she even care? She’d probably ignore the text and tell him to ‘fuck off.’ He’d deserve it. He couldn’t believe how cruel he’d been! Such a fucking bastard to the one person who mattered most in his life! Why couldn’t he just be _normal_? Why did he have to complicate EVERYTHING?!

Ben touched the screen and watched as her picture disappeared, taking him to their text messages instead. He didn’t even know what to write. I love you? I’m an idiot? Please forgive me? Why the fuck would she ever want a bastard like him anyways? He couldn’t help wondering. He’d already said and done enough to screw things up, but she’d just kept coming back. Why?! Surely this was it? The straw that broke the camel’s back. 

He swallowed hard and began to type. Just three little words. Honest words. Simple and easy. Maybe she’d ignore them, but he wrote them anyway. He wasn’t even sure what would happen next if she actually responded. What if she forgave him and he just kept pushing her away? What if he let fear control him and they couldn’t make it work? What if he never even tried, though? Could he really keep living like this? What was the difference between being haunted by a broken relationship and being haunted by what might have been?

Ben hit ‘ _send_ ’ on his little message, hoping beyond hope that it would make a difference somehow. Just three little words. Simple and easy. “ **I miss you.** ”

*******

_Fuck._ Ringing. What was that ringing? Alarm? No, couldn’t be. He let out a low groan into his pillow. That was a ringtone. The phone was ringing. “Shit!”

Barely conscious, Ben’s hand shot out towards the sound. He nearly knocked over the glass of water he’d grabbed to take his pills, something to help him sleep. His hand continued it’s blind search, bumping the book he’d been reading to the floor. Where the fuck was that damn phone? Maybe he should just shut off the damn thing!

Ben’s hand continued it’s search. It was still pitch black in his old room, and he was feeling a tad trashed from the jetlag and family drama, not to mention having a little too much wine at dinner. Then again how else was he supposed to endure his father’s company? Eventually his hand discovered the smooth surface of his phone and he opened his left eye to see who would dare call him at… three in the FUCKING morning?!

Ben squinted as he attempted to read the name, ignoring the pain as light stung his eyes. All sense of drowsiness left him when he read Rey’s name on his phone screen, and he quickly swiped to answer before it could go to voicemail. Ben flipped over onto his back, and shoved a hand through his hair before bringing the phone to his ear, his mind racing with questions as to why she would call. “H-hello?” he croaked.

**“Ben?”**

Ben swallowed thickly, savoring the sound of her voice. He closed both eyes for a moment as his head started to spin. “Rey…” he finally breathed. He couldn’t help wincing at how fucking _amazed_ he sounded. Then again, he had every right to be surprised that she would call after such a horrible fight.

**“I… I tried to stop by the house, but you didn’t answer.”**

Fuck. She’d gone to see him? Ben rubbed at his face, trying to wake himself up just a little more. He needed to think properly to have this conversation. Rey had gone to see him. Had she come to talk? To tell him not to text her? To get Finn’s clothes? “Oh… uh s-sorry. I’m out of town.”

**“Out of town? Where?”**

“I’m in Washington… in America. To visit my mom.” Ben frowned when Rey went quiet. He was terrified she’d hang up if he said the wrong thing. He wasn’t quite sure why she’d called yet. She didn’t sound mad, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t still upset with him. Maybe she hadn’t even meant to call him? Or maybe she’d seen his text and was trying to figure out what he wanted from her? ‘Mixed signals’ didn’t even cover the shit he’d put her through. “Hello? Rey?”

**“You… you are coming back, aren’t you?”** Rey finally asked. He couldn’t believe how faint her voice sounded, almost timid and slightly rough. Time difference. It was probably early morning for her. She was probably still in bed. He could almost see her curled up in her futon, probably wrapped up tight in her comforter as she cradled her cell phone. She’d have bed head, hair all over the place, with a few skin wrinkles from pressing her face into the pillow. He bet she looked beautiful. 

“Of course, Rey… I just needed to see her. I’m coming back.” Something in his chest eased at the idea of her worrying he was gone for good. Maybe there was hope he hadn’t completely fucked everything up? Maybe he’d get a chance to apologize to her and make things right? He didn’t want to lose her. Fuck, even hearing her voice was making him want to cry out in relief. “Rey… I-”

**“I know what you’re going to say, Ben,”** Rey interrupted. **“I… I’ve been thinking things over. I feel like an absolute idiot. When I got your text I knew I had to talk to you! I wanted to apologize for the other day.”**

“Apologize?” Ben repeated, confused. What the fuck did she have to apologize for? He’d been the one acting like a complete bastard! What was she even talking about?

**“We’re supposed to be friends, you asked me to be your friend, and instead I decided to throw myself at you like some fucking slag!”** Ben curled over on his side, his comforter slipping down his bare chest, exposing skin to the cool night air. His mother rarely used the AC at night, forcing him to open windows to feel comfortable. **“It wasn’t fair to you, Ben. I was embarrassed, but you didn’t deserve to be dismissed like that.”** ’’

Ben blinked, staring off into the window nearby his bed, not quite sure how to respond. He didn’t understand a word she was saying. Why the fuck was she apologizing when he’d been the one screaming at her? He’d been the one stomping all over her feelings like the heartless bastard everyone knew he could be. “Rey… i-it wasn’t as if I didn’t… _feel_ something. I shouldn’t have freaked out like that. I fucked everything up-”

**“No! You had every right to be angry! You’ve made it clear how you feel from the very beginning, and I should have respected that! I don’t want to lose your friendship just because I had silly notions of romance between us! That stops right now!”**

“W-what?” His brain was trying to comprehend what she was saying, but there was definitely a sinking feeling in his gut… shit, shit, shit! This wasn’t going well at all!

**“As far as I’m concerned all we’ll ever be is friends-”**

“What? No!” Ben shot up, slipping his legs out from the covers as his feet made contact with the cold, wood floor. “Wait Rey… that’s not what I wa-”

**“You did warn me! You were always honest with me, Ben. You’ve told me from the beginning that you aren’t interested, and I just ignored you like a daft idiot!”**

“Rey! Please-”

**“Ben, no! I need you to understand that I’m serious about this! I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable around me-”**

“I don’t!” Ben assured her, tempted to scream in frustration now. What the fuck was he going to do? This isn’t what he wanted! All he’d needed was a little time to sort out his feelings, wrap his mind around what Rey meant to him, but now it seemed he’d just pushed her away completely. “Rey I-”

**“Your friendship means more to me than some silly crush and I-”**

“COME TO AMERICA!” Ben finally blurted out, eyes wide, head still muddled from being woken up. He’d say almost anything to get her to stop talking. He just wanted her to fucking _listen_ to him, let him explain! Fuck, there had to be a way to fix this!

Rey was silent for a long time, and once again he worried he’d lost her. Of all the dumb things he could have said… urging her to pick up and come to another country had to be at the top. He needed coffee to have these kinds of conversations. Ben listened as Rey cleared her throat. **“What?”**

He really wasn’t sure what the fuck he was doing, but he knew he couldn’t let her slip away. The thing was, he hadn’t actually been honest with her, or himself for that matter. Anxieties about feeling vulnerable with someone had kept him distant from others for so long. He knew he needed time to overcome his fears, but if that time meant letting Rey slip through his fingers, what was the point? Maybe he could persuade her to take things slower with him? Or at least convince her not to give up? “I’ll buy you a ticket.” He sounded so fucking desperate and he didn’t even give a fuck.

**“Are you actually asking me to fly to America? Just like that?”** Ben could hear her let out a snicker, as if Rey were certain he was teasing her.

He shrugged, though he knew she couldn’t see him. “It’s not like I don’t have the funds… besides, I brought my laptop. I… I need some inspiration.” Maybe if he blamed it on his manuscript she’d agree? It wasn’t a complete lie. He _had_ brought his laptop in case he had time to write. He still had a new deadline to think about.

Ben heard her huff into the phone, and could almost imagine Rey rolling her eyes at him. **“I can’t just drop everything and go to another country, Ben.”**

“Yes, you can. You told me yourself you haven’t had too many projects lately, plus it’s a free fucking trip! I’m paying for everything. I can write it off as a business expense. Besides, you’ve always wanted to see the White House… I can show you around the city,” he offered. _’Please Rey… just please give me this chance,’_ he silently begged her.

**“What about Finn? This is crazy… and besides, I can’t just let you pay for all that.”**

“Finn will survive a fucking week without you. Please Rey, I want you to come. It would be great! We could start over and just talk. You’d get to meet my mom… and unfortunately, my father.”

**“Your father?”**

Ben’s eyes narrowed at the thought. That idea didn’t appeal to him at all, but currently, his parents were a package deal. He wasn’t even sure what the fuck to call their new relationship. He’d spent most of dinner just trying not to leap over the dinner table and separate the two. He didn’t even want to think about it. “Long story short… he’s fucking my mom.”

**“Jesus Christ, Ben!”** Rey laughed. **“I… I thought they were separated.”**

“My mother is retiring and they’ve decided to… fuck? I dunno… I uh, would rather not talk about it, honestly.”

**“I suppose you could probably use a friend if _that’s_ what you’ve come home to.”**

“You have no fucking idea,” he groaned, running a hand through his hair and giving it a gentle tug. He could still hear her laughing… just like fucking honey, he’d never tire of it. Immediately his lips curled into a faint smile as he ducked his head down. “Please save me, Rey. Be a pal,” he urged her. 

**“Okay Ben… I guess I’m coming to America….”**

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Rey is coming to America! She'll finally meet Han and Leia! Ben is turning into a complete disaster, but perhaps Rey will take pity on him and give him a second chance? Please comment and let me know what you think or I will be forever sad! lol


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have two weeks before things get really crazy again, so I'm gonna try and take advantage of that to update more. I will probably regret saying that....

“For fuck’s sake, Ben! Stop fidgeting! Her plane only landed ten minutes ago!” Han snapped, leaning against the old Ford Falcon he’d had since the seventies. It was the American model, third generation, and Ben hated the damn thing, but trying to get his father to sell it was impossible. 

Classic was just another word for piece of garbage that had outlived its usefulness. He’d spent his entire childhood watching Han Solo work on it, mostly repairs and a few improvements. Ben refused to assist him with the Falcon, mostly because he fucking hated cars, but also because he didn’t see the point. New cars existed for a reason, to replace the shit that had broken down ages ago. Frankly, it was embarrassing to be seen in the thing, but he’d yet to rent a car, and his mother had insisted Han pick Rey up from the airport. 

Ben kicked at the tires out of spite, knowing how protective his father was over the piece of shit, and threw himself against Falcon. “I know you’re nervous, kid, but being an asshole ain’t gonna help!”

Immediately, he rolled his eyes, and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I’m not nervous! She’s just a fucking friend!”

“That’s not what your mother told me.”

Ben twisted in towards his father, his energy shifting from nervous to aggressive. His fists tightened like a threat, though they both knew he’d never follow through. “Listen, old man, my relationship with Rey is none of your fucking business! Keep your nose _out of it_!”

Han was almost as quick to anger as Ben, but the extra years had taught him to hide it better. Even when he was pissed he knew how to flash that lop-sided smile and pull out a remark that was both disarming and witty. Everyone seemed to fall for it (Leia Organa included), but Ben was strangely immune. “Not my business, eh? I doubt she’ll see it that way, especially if she has heart-shaped eyes trained on you, kid. Like it or not, I’m your god damn father, and that carries some weight to a woman in love.”

“She doesn’t love me!” Ben almost shouted, finally giving voice to the fear that had held him back. His eyes seemed to widen as he realized he’d said too much. He immediately turned onto his back against the car and let his head tilt, so he could stare up at the sky, watching the planes taking off and landing. Ben knew Rey cared. He realized early on she’d found him attractive, enough to seduce him anyway, but none of that meant much. While Ben was spiraling in his emotions, it was quite possible Rey felt nothing at all. She’d called it a crush! A silly notion. Not _love_.

The task ahead of him felt impossible. Not only would he need to convince her he wanted more, but somehow he had to show her he was worthy of love. It seemed ridiculous… trying to prove something not even he actually believed in. Did monsters like him really deserve love? He wasn’t so sure, but he was lost to it now, and there was no going back. His desperation was overriding self-preservation and good sense. He felt wild, disconnected from his former self, clawing towards Rey like a man starved. Nothing else but her love would satisfy him. Madness was inevitable. In simple terms… he was in too deep to turn back now.

Han remained quiet for longer than Ben would have expected, but it wasn’t meant to last. “Your mother was in love with me long before she knew it. I managed to enlighten her, but it wasn’t easy. Hell… nothing about that woman is easy! Maybe it’s the same with your girl.”

Ben’s eyes shut tight as he let his father’s words sink in. He tried not to think about the implications. There was something aggravating about realizing his genetics carried more weight than Ben’s will-power. He was a Solo with deeply entrenched traits, and there wasn’t enough therapy in the world that could remove them. “Yeah… maybe.”

From the outside looking in Han Solo was an uncomplicated man, but for Ben he was an even bigger mystery than Rey. He wasn’t a fool. He saw the similarities between them, the inevitable flaws they both shared. There were moments, few and far between, when Ben actually felt a connection to his father... yet the feeling never lasted. Those precious moments would disappear and leave Ben bitter and haunted by the relationship that was impossible to sustain.

The barriers between them felt massive and indestructible. Every effort to ‘bond’ resulted in disappointment on both sides. Han said all the wrong things that left Ben feeling cold. Ben’s feelings of resentment would cause arguments that ought to have been avoidable. They were square pegs and round holes, and no amount of shoving or pushing was going to solve this disconnect.

Nothing infuriated Ben more than failing, and Han Solo was one of the biggest failures of his life. The violent murder of Kylo Ren’s father was written to solve his writer’s block (and help Ben sort through his greatest shame). However that wicked act had quickly morphed into a key plot point, a foundation to build on. If a relationship was impossible, then a satisfying end was all Ben could hope for in his reality.

Despite fantasizing about deathbed confessions, and tearful goodbyes in fiction... the end he’d written was a shocking betrayal. His character’s tale was one of desperation and poor judgment. It felt empty and unsatisfactory, but nothing else would do. Relief only came in writing Kylo’s redemption, and the struggle to be the kind of man his father would have respected. Kylo’s hope expressed a desire not even Ben had ever considered... an inescapable need to please a man he’d had no real relationship with. Even now, this was the mystery that fueled his anxieties.

He’d never really wanted Rey to meet Han Solo. Embarrassment wasn’t the right word, but now wasn’t the time to go flipping through a thesaurus. He’d wanted to protect her from this toxic dynamic he and his father had. Lor was bad enough, though the emotional tension between them was far less hostile. He wouldn’t be able to hide his disdain for Han. She would see it and judge him for it, because everybody did. Not a soul alive, including his mother, seemed to comprehend why Ben and Han couldn’t share the same space.

“Ben!” 

Ben’s eyes snapped open as he straightened and looked over towards the airport’s double doors. Rey looked exhausted, but her smile was wide with excitement, waving at him from across the side street where Taxis and buses usually picked up their fares. He almost rolled his eyes at the luggage trailing behind her, an abstract shock of colors that was surely inspired by the seventies. Her backpack looked heavy, but she managed both with surprising strength as she rushed towards Ben and his father. He reluctantly waved back, not sure if he should be relieved to see her, or scared shitless that she was here.

“She’s a looker, Benny-boy!” his father remarked with a knowing smile. He was already oozing charm by the time Rey stood in front of them. “I’m Han Solo, it’s a pleasure to meet ya!”

Rey’s hand shot out to clasp Han’s, and she shook it with gusto. “I’m Rey!”

Ben cleared his throat, reaching for her backpack. “Let me get that for you,” he offered, tugging it off her back. Rey immediately shrugged it off as he took on the weight, swinging it on his back as one strap rested on his shoulder. “How was your flight?”

“Amazing! I was nervous at first, but it was so beautiful! The clouds were so thick… it felt like I could step right off the plane and walk on them!” Her child-like excitement made his heart skip, and he ducked his head down to hide his smile. Rey turned back towards Han. “I’ve never seen so much blue in my life! I tried to sleep on the plane, but I couldn’t close my eyes!”

“I hear ya! Been flying planes for as long as I can remember, but it never gets old. The world’s a much better place from the skies,” he assured her and reached for her larger piece of luggage. 

The trunk was already opened, and he flipped it up in order to drop her things inside. Ben stepped over towards him, handing him the backpack. Then he turned to the car door and opened it for Rey. He’d let her sit upfront with his father, despite the lack of space in the back. He was used to shoving himself into tight spaces.

It was worth the sacrifice as he watched Rey beam at him and plop down in the passenger seat. Ben practically dived in behind her as Han slammed down the trunk, making the car shake before he rushed over to the driver side and started the car. At this time of day there was bound to be traffic, so his father didn’t rush towards the beltway with any eagerness. They would all have to make themselves comfortable and endure, though it didn’t seem like Rey was bothered in the least.

There was a strange giddiness that had seeped into his bones at the sight of her sitting before him, just as bright and cheerful as she usually was. Relief and excitement made his fingers tap nervously on his knee, desperate to get her alone, though he hadn’t a clue what he’d say. None of the tensions from their last encounter had lingered, as if it never even happened, and Rey seemed keen to leave it in the past. 

Ben often struggled to follow her moods. She was unpredictable in everything, but especially when it came to her emotions. He often felt like he was navigating a battle ground full of ditches, land mines, and bloodied bodies whenever they spent the day together. War was hell… especially when his opponent was a beautiful, handful of a woman.

Rey seemed so soft at first glance, but there was so much more churning under the surface, and pushing his luck had become a habit he couldn’t break. She was forever hopeful and honest, but she could send stronger men to their knees with a withering glance. He had good reason to be terrified of her. Kira Rey’s strength in his latest manuscript was not enough of an exaggeration. 

“This is a Ford Falcon!” Rey finally spoke after a minute. “Let me guess… ‘67?”

“Close, it’s a ’70… one of the last made. I saved every cent I earned for it. This baby was my very first car!” Han informed her, proudly. 

“And you’ve kept it all this time? Incredible!” gasped Rey as she slid her hand along the dashboard. Ben quirked an eyebrow at her interest. In all the time he’d known her, she’d never actually mentioned any interest in cars. She didn’t own one. She never brought them up in conversation.

“You know about cars?” Already, Ben could see his father’s eyes light up. The man talked about only two things in life... cars and planes. As a child Ben Solo had often been dragged out to the garage by his father. Han Solo would try to teach him how to change the oil or a tire, and Ben would pretend to listen. He’d hated every minute of it. Han’s impatience and short temper would almost always end their lessons early, with Leia forced to play mediator before things got too out of hand. Ben would spend the rest of the day venting in lines of poetry or short stories too grotesque to be shown to others.

Rey nodded, and Ben’s heart sunk. He loathed to think of being stuck in traffic enduring ‘auto talk’ between his father and Rey. “I love them! I took a few jobs doing repair work for a while... just to pay the bills. You know how it is… starving artist and all that! I had to make a living somehow. I like working with my hands, feeling the grease stain my fingers... that feeling you get when you solve a puzzle that no one else could. Sometimes my boss would give me the scraps from his shop for my sculptures.”

Han glanced over at her as he merged into the fast lane that was going anything but; this fucking traffic was already looking bad. “So you’re a creative type... like the kid? Well no wonder he likes you!”

Ben immediately flushed, clearing his throat, and resisting the urge to throttle his father. “I’ve yet to see much of her work.”

“I have a few side projects I’m finishing up. One is for an art museum, and the other is going to a frequent buyer. I’m pretty excited actually.”

Han nodded. “Have you read any of Ben’s books?”

“I have now, though when I first met him I wasn’t much of a fan. My best friend, Finn, loves his work... however sometimes I feel it’s a bit melodramatic.”

“That’s Ben! Been that way all his life... even when he was little! Just a grumpy lump of sadness in need of a frequent diaper change!”

Rey giggled, twisting her neck in an effort to catch Ben’s gaze. He sunk low in his seat despite the seatbelt, trying his best to keep violent thoughts from becoming actions. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t expected this. Han never missed an opportunity to embarrass Ben. It was as if he lived for the chance to humiliate his son. Payback for something, though Ben couldn’t imagine what.

He hated how well they were getting along, but even this wasn’t a shocker. The rest of the world adored Han Solo. The man could do no wrong. “Focus on the road, old man!” Ben finally growled.

“Oh, don’t be like that!” Rey scolded. 

“Like what?! He does this to get under my skin! You don’t know him like I do!”

Rey glanced over at Han, and Ben didn’t miss the way her eyes automatically softened. Women were especially susceptible to Solo’s charms, and Rey was obviously no different. His father sighed, grumbling something under his breath, though Ben still caught it. “Kid, it doesn’t take much to get under your skin. You were born in a state of agitation.”

“Now _that_ I do believe,” Rey agreed. Every time she glanced back at Ben, his eyebrows lowered even further, fully prepared to take them both on. He wouldn’t stand for them ganging up on him.

“I didn’t fucking invite you here to be mocked.”

Rey’s teasing drove him to insanity, but there was something oddly arousing about the look in her eyes. She liked pushing him over the edge. She _wanted_ to see him lose control. Sometimes she pushed too far, her biggest flaw, but most of the time Ben enjoyed the challenge. He liked the push and pull of their relationship. He enjoyed being caught unaware, struggling to keep up, to keep her just as engaged.

“Ben Solo, that’s a bold face lie. All I ever do is mock you. It comes with the territory,” Rey assured him.

“Oh fuck, I love her already,” Han chuckled as traffic slowly started to improve.

He almost stopped breathing at the way Rey’s eyes shined, as if she’d won some sort of special prize. Perhaps his father was right. She was seeking his approval, determined to impress Han, if only for Ben’s sake. There was no doubt they shared similar interests, but he didn’t miss the relief behind her gaze. He didn’t miss the way her fingers nervously played with the sleeves of her thin jacket, a shy smile lighting up her face in a way that gave Ben’s heart pause.

Rey didn’t have any parents. She’d lost them so long ago she could scarcely remember their faces if not for photographs. He knew what it was like to long for something, to feel that aching between the ribs that never faded. Hell, he’d desired parents too growing up, the kind that would actually pay attention to him instead of paying others to do it. Even now part of him wondered if his mother’s plans to retire would mean they could talk more. Despite everything, he still continued to send a copy of his books to his father, though he was certain Han never read them. There were some needs that just never faded, couldn’t be extinguished. 

Only… Rey was setting herself up for disappointment. Han Solo wasn’t anyone’s father figure. He took the easy way out. He shied away from responsibility. He ran at the first sign of trouble. He was a selfish prick who valued his freedom more than his family. Leia Organa was drowning in denial, but he didn’t want to see Rey fall into the same trap. He didn’t want her to get too attached. It was all fun and games until someone got hurt, and hadn’t she been through enough?

And yet, watching them interact was already providing some inspiration. His mind was drifting to Kira Rey, a woman so vehemently opposed to Kylo Ren, for no other reason than his reputation. What if it was deeper than that? What if there was yet another secret behind those hazel eyes that were burning holes into Ren’s skin? They weren’t just enemies for the sake of it. He’d done something to her, hurt her. Kylo took something away from her that she’d valued more than anything. His sins coming back to haunt him, shoving a wedge between him and this woman he so admired. She’d come after Kylo to avenge his father… to avenge a friend she greatly esteemed. How could he have known? How could he ever convince her that he’d changed?

“Ben?”

Ben’s eyes shot up, pulled from his thoughts, and he was immediately greeted with Rey’s easy smile. He got the sense that she knew exactly where his mind had been. It wasn’t the first time she’d triggered this kind of creative flow, hence the reason he’d asked her to help him with his work. “Yeah?”

Rey’s head tilted against the headrest, her hand gripping the back of the car seat, awkwardly twisted around to face him. “You’re father wanted to know if we should pick something up for lunch. Did you have a place in mind?”

He shook his head, and quickly looked away. His thoughts still overwhelmed with possibilities. How could Kylo Ren ever hope to win the heart of a woman mourning the loss of someone he’d killed? Perhaps it was too much of a gamble? Perhaps the idea was worth pitching to Rey first? Yet another reason to hope they made it home soon. Ben was not a patient man… and he desperately wanted to spend some time alone with Rey. “I’m really not that hungry,” he muttered. He had more important things to worry about.

*******

By the time he managed to drag himself from the back of Han Solo’s Falcon, his legs had gone completely numb. Ben winced as the sensation of feeling returned slowly, not quite capable of walking just yet. His father was already rushing over to the trunk, retrieving Rey’s backpack and suitcase. “I’ll just take these up to your room,” Han announced with a lop-sided smile.

Rey moved to follow, but was stalled as Ben reached out to grab her arm and pull her back. He’d already suffered through the worst kind of traffic imaginable with Han Fucking Solo. He wasn’t eager to follow the man inside just yet, especially when he finally had the opportunity to talk to Rey alone. “Rey, wait!”

She glanced down at his hand gripping her arm a little too tightly, and he immediately released her. He wished he was better with shit like this. Perhaps she was keen to pretend there wasn’t still some tension between them, but he wasn’t. His palms were slightly sweaty and he wiped them on his jeans before taking a step towards her. He should have thought this through better. “Ben?”

Fuck. She was staring up at him, expecting something, and he was at a loss. He thought about her apology on the phone. She’d confessed to feeling embarrassed by her actions, throwing herself at him. He’d rejected her with such cruelty, and the guilt continued to eat at him, but she couldn’t possibly know that. Rey couldn’t even hold his gaze, staring at something just over his shoulder instead. Just standing so close to her was intoxicating. He could so easily kiss her if he leaned down. He could shove her against the car and just take whatever he wanted. She wouldn’t fight him, would she? Surely not.

“Ben… usually this is the part where you say something,” she urged him, impatiently.

He licked dry lips and turned away from her, sucking air into his lungs as if he’d been holding his breath for ages. Ben shoved his hands in his pockets to keep them from reaching out to her, and leaned his back against the car, trying to look more at ease. This time it was him that couldn’t look at her. His eyes drifted to the red brick walkway that led to his parent’s house. He kicked at a loose brick, watching it roll on its side. “I was really afraid… that I… I’d fucked everything up for good this time.”

Rey slowly turned to rest on the car beside him. Her muscles relaxed beside him, and it was only then that he realized just how nervous she truly was. “So was I.” Her voice shook softly, revealing a vulnerability he hadn’t expected. “I truly am sorry, Ben.”

Ben shook his head, so tired of hearing her apologize, especially when it was _him_ that should be sorry. There was so much he wanted to say, but the words clung to the back of his throat. “Don’t be… please. Don’t be sorry,” he finally choked out.

Her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion as he pulled his left hand from his pocket and slipped it into hers. His hands still felt clammy, but she didn’t seem to notice. Ben could feel his face flush as his skin began to burn. All he could think about was tasting her lips again, showing her just how badly he wanted her. Fuck going slow! Fuck his anxieties! He wanted to shove her against the car and claim her as _his_. He wanted to disturb the neighbors, shove a hand down the front of her jeans, and make her scream his name. “Wha-what exactly are you saying, Ben?” Rey asked carefully, eyes narrowing as she looked up at him.

This was it. He could tell her right now. Tell her how he felt. Tell her how much he wanted her. He could clear the air between them, and fix things before she moved on to someone else. “I’m saying… I’m say-saying… fuck! Let’s just go inside so you can properly meet my parents….”

He was such a fucking idiot.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been feeling like shit lately, so comments and encouragement would be really awesome right about now! Pretty please?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Another chapter! I told you I was trying to take advantage of my free time to give you faster updates! Aren't ya proud of me??? Huh? HUH?!

Ben probably shouldn’t have been surprised that his mother and father were waiting for them the moment they walked through the front door. His father looked aggravatingly smug, and his mother was primed and ready to pounce. He stood behind Rey, hands clenched on her shoulders, wishing there was a way he could protect her from this disaster. Hadn’t she been through enough?

“Uh… hey mom, th-this is, Rey.” Why did he feel so awkward about this? It didn’t feel like he was introducing a friend. She was so much more than that. Rey was the woman haunting his dreams. She was the creature who’d managed to dig past his every defense, securing a place in the chest cavity where his heart should be. Usually when a man brought a woman home to meet the parents he was announcing engagement plans. Fuck… he didn’t even want to go _there_ right now. He could barely hold Rey’s hand without having a nervous breakdown.

Leia was tucked under Han Solo’s arm, eyes warm and bright with excitement. He didn’t miss the mischievous glint in her eye that always promised trouble. He eyed her wearily, ignoring the bead of sweat sliding down the back of his neck. Was getting hot in here? He was feeling overheated. “Oh Rey! My dear, you have no idea how happy we are to have you here! Ben has _never_ brought a girl home with him before. Honestly, we were starting to wonder if he’d ever find someone!”

Ben’s eyes widened as he stared down at his mother in horror. Fuck… _**no**_. He’d expected his father to be the difficult one, but not Leia Organa… not the woman known for her grace under pressure, and her diplomatic speeches. She wouldn’t just expose his feelings for Rey like that, would she?! Han cleared his throat, glancing down at his wife proudly, before he turned back to Rey. “I put all your things in Ben’s room! We were young once… we know you two are probably used to sleeping together.”

He nearly choked. His grip on Rey tightening so hard he could feel her wince, and he immediately let go, stepping away from her. “Wait… what?!”

His mother dismissed him with a wave, dragging Rey in her arms before anyone could process what his father had just said. “Ben’s told us all about you, Rey! I’m already half in love with you just from what he’s told me!” she gushed, pulling back, hands gripping Rey’s arms. “Honestly! I thought Han and I had ruined him for good when it comes to relationships, but here you are! Welcome to the family!”

Ben released an inhuman noise as he tried to open his mouth and speak; caught in a state of panic and confusion. What the hell were they doing?! They knew perfectly well that he and Rey weren’t in a relationship! He’d told her exactly what they were to each other! Just _friends_. Pathetically _clueless_ friends, struggling figure out what they meant to each other, but **friends** nonetheless! 

Rey’s eyes were wide in surprise, but she was forcing a smile as she looked down at his mother. “I… that’s so sweet of you-”

When she finally turned to look at Ben, she could clearly see the alarm written all over his face, and her smile faded almost immediately. Leia seemed oblivious to all of it. “I’m getting older, Rey! There aren’t as many years ahead of me as behind! All a mother like me can hope for is seeing her son _happy_ for once… and you… you make my Ben _very_ happy!”

“It’s great having you here!” Han added, slinging his arm back around Leia and pulling her away. “I’m sure you wanna get settled! Ben can show you the way! Go freshen up and we’ll get lunch ready! Leia’s ordered us Thai food! Hope you can handle spicy!”

They were off into the kitchen in seconds, and Ben almost winced as he heard his mother giggle at something whispered in her ear. He was going to kill them both. They’d finally pushed him over the edge. This was it. He was going to snap. He’d tear them limb from bloody limb, and when the cops showed up they’d send him straight to a mental institution. He didn’t need a broken heart to end up like his grandfather. His parents were more than enough to break his sanity. 

Ben shoved a hand through his hair and swallowed a scream, glancing back at Rey. “I swear I never said… I mean, I didn’t tell them-”

She turned around to face him fully and shook her head. She looked so fucking disappointed, and he could feel his muscles tense, just waiting for her to snap at him. “Lor! I should have known! He did say he would tell them I was your girlfriend! That cheeky bastard! I just… I never actually thought he would do it! I’m so sorry to put you in this position!”

What? Lor? What did he have to do with… oh. Oh! Ben had forgotten. He’d forgotten about that day in the park. Rey thought… she thought Lor was to blame for all this. Poor innocent, Rey. She hadn’t a clue how cunning his family could be… how deceptive they could get. This felt like the cruelest joke of all. Rey thought these people were good and decent; nothing he could ever say would change her mind. She didn’t know them like he did. She didn’t know the hell he’d endured growing up. Ben wasn’t exactly sure what Leia Organa was up to, but he knew her calculating mind, always eagerly moving people like pieces on a chessboard. The master manipulator. _Damn_ her.

Ben took a deep breath and glanced at the sitting room. “Could you… just give me… one moment? I need to have a talk with my parents.” He was just barely keeping his anger in check. He really didn’t want Rey to see him explode. Ben was practically shaking, boiling mad at the mess he was now forced to clean up.

“Oh Ben, you can’t tell them the truth now!” Rey insisted, shaking her head urgently. “You heard your mother! This is all she’s ever wanted for you! It’s just for a couple days! We can go along with it for a couple days, can’t we? I… I don’t want to disappoint her!”

“Rey, she’s-” Ben paused, shaking his head as it all clicked into place. How could he tell Rey that his mother was lying? How could he possibly explain what was happening? Oh… that woman was clever. So fucking _clever_! Gushing over how _few_ years left she had! Putting on a show of welcoming her into the family! Fuck! She was good. Ben growled, fists clenched, as he looked up at the ceiling. “Fine! I’ll leave it… for now,” he finally assured her. “Just… let me ask them something quick and I’ll take you upstairs, okay?”

Rey nodded, though he could still see the worry on her face. “Is… is this going to be awkward? I just, I couldn’t say anything! Your mother was so happy, Ben! She squeezed me so hard! I didn’t want to upset her. I knew I shouldn’t have come!”

“No! No… I’m glad you’re here,” he told her, firmly. Only now did it occur to him that his reactions might confuse, Rey. It was his parents he was pissed at, not _her_. He didn’t want her thinking he was somehow disgusted by the thought of them sharing a bed or... behaving like a couple. 

If anything, the prospect made his heart skip a beat, anticipation flooding his veins with a strange warmth. His body tingled at the thought of having her sleeping beside him in bed, waking up with his arms around her, it was all he could ever want. He just… he wanted it to be real. Not some stupid manipulation. Not some catch 22 bullshit schemed by his own mother.

Ben forced himself to calm down, pulled Rey towards him. He immediately wrapped her in his arms, hugging her tight, trying to reassure her. The moment her body pressed into his own he felt his head spin. She gripped his shirt and breathed deeply into his chest, her nerves just as shook up as his own. “I won’t let it be awkward, okay? I wanted you here, Rey. I’m just… frustrated with the situation, that’s all.”

Rey was chewing on her bottom lip when she finally looked up at him. “You’re sure?”

He couldn’t help cracking a smile, hoping it would settle her concerns. “Well, I much prefer you in my bed than Finn.”

Rey giggled at that. “Don’t worry, Ben… I’ll let you be the big spoon as long as you promise not to throw me off!”

Ben’s eyes glanced down towards her mouth, temptation pulling at him in the worst way. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Rey flushed, stepping back from him. “Go speak with your parents. I’ll just be over here taking a look around and hunting for family photos to tease you with.”

He immediately rolled his eyes with a groan, turning away from her. “Oh don’t worry, my mother’s sure to bring out the album soon enough!” He left the sitting room to the sound of her snickering, following after Han and Leia who were busy making plates of food in the kitchen. He stalled at the door, arms folded as he glared at them. His brief conversation with Rey had done the impossible… calmed him down. He didn’t even utter a word, simply watched them.

They were completely absorbed in their task and each other. Han was busy grumbling about needing more dish soap as he piled dirty plates in the dishwasher, while Leia assured him that she’d put it on the list, busy pulling food out of bags to make sure she’d gotten everything she ordered. It felt strange… seeing them like this. Far too normal. Too domestic for the likes of a famous politician and a cocky airline pilot. He didn’t know these people at all, and maybe he never had.

Eventually, his father turned around, immediately reverting back to the old fool Ben Solo was more used to. “It was your mother’s idea! I told her it would just end up pissing you off!”

Leia smacked her husband’s chest hard, punishment for his easy betrayal. “I did it for his own good!” 

Ben’s frown deepened, unfolding his arms. “I don’t give a fuck whose idea it was. You _know_ Rey and I aren’t like that! I won’t stand for you manipulating her like this!” he snapped, keeping his voice low so Rey wouldn’t hear. Now he knew where he got it from. Wasn’t he the one who’d made up an entire fake girlfriend just to keep Rey at arm’s length? Dishonesty seemed to be the first thing his parents thought of to solve their problems, and he was no better.

His mother’s hands were resting on her hips when she turned to face her son without an ounce of shame. “Manipulating Rey? There isn’t a need for that, Ben! I saw the way she was looking at you even before she walked into this house. No… what I’m doing is manipulating _you_.”

“Me?” Ben faltered, not quite following her reasoning. “Into doing what exactly? Fucking her in my parent’s house? Got any extra vibrators no one’s used yet? Maybe you guys could point us to the nearest sex shop?”

“Don’t be crude, Ben!” Leia chided.

Ben took another step towards her, leaning down to get on her level. “Rey and I aren’t some fucking experiment! You can’t just pull some strings and _make_ us fall madly in love with each other.”

Leia poked at his chest hard enough to push the air from his lungs. “You’re already in love, Ben! You don’t need strings! You don’t need a _push_! You need a god damn kick in the ass! Lor told me everything, and frankly, I find this whole business disappointing! Han and I watched you talking to Rey. I’m willing to bet every cent I own you were going to tell her the truth and chickened out! Am I wrong?”

 _Fucking politicians._ “That isn’t the point-”

“ **Am. I. Wrong?** ” his mother pressed, eyes flashing with a fury he rarely saw.

Ben gulped, immediately taking a step back. This was a woman that made powerful men shudder on a daily basis. What hope did he ever have of besting her, even _with_ the moral high ground? How the hell did she manage to turn this around on him? He was supposed to be scolding _them_ for their deception… not blushing like a fucking child who’d accidently broken something while playing in the house.

The tension continued to build as the silence dragged on, and one glance up at his father told him everything he needed to know. The old man was scratching the back of his head, his eyes urging Ben to just give in, take the easy way out like he’d always done. Ben wasn’t quite ready to admit defeat. “I’m your _son_ … fully capable of making my own fucking decisions when I’m ready to make them,” he growled. “You don’t get to fuck with me like you do with the rest of this god damn country!”

He spun around before she could respond, storming back towards the sitting room. Briefly, he thought about telling Rey they’d get a hotel, get as far away from this hell house as possible, but he knew she wouldn’t go for it. Ben took a deep breath, watching her stare down at a school photo. His giant ears taking up half the picture, hair combed back, with an awkward smile that revealed teeth too large for his mouth. “Rey… come on… lemme show you to our room.”

Rey turned, frowning as she saw the look on his face. He’d never been very good at hiding his emotions. “Is everything okay?”

He didn’t want to lie to her. He’d had enough of that already today. “Not even a little,” he sighed, reaching out towards her. She immediately took his hand. “Come on.”

*******

When Ben was a boy, around six, he developed a terrible fear of the dark. His fears were inspired by a movie in which the lead character (a young boy just like him) was deathly afraid of the dark, and Ben decided it was a sensible fear to adopt. No longer did he trust the empty spaces under his bed. The moment the light switched off he would stare off across the room towards the massive closet holding back his nightmares. Ben spent the entire summer trying to break into his parents’ bedroom to sleep with them, only to be dragged back to his own room despite his desperate pleas.

In the movie, the young boy’s parents would look under the bed and in closets to make sure their beloved son was safe from monsters. This gave the boy some relief from his fears, allowing him to sleep soundly despite the darkness. Ben’s parents had taken a decidedly different route to cure him of his new fear... a child therapist... on call. They spared no expense. Delving deep into his psyche; exploring cutting edge methods conjured up by world famous child psychologists. By seven Ben was cured of his fear of the dark; thoroughly replaced with a fear of therapists. That was when he realized just how fucked up his family truly was.

It was writing that became his only outlet when fears and anxieties overwhelmed him. Lor San Tekka taught him that the pen was a sword to fight away his demons, and Ben had been fighting them all his life. He’d created Snoke and Kylo Ren at a time in which his anxieties were mounting to unbearable levels. Snoke became the worst demon of them all, and only Kylo Ren was capable of saving Ben from the horrors inside his own mind. His stories weren’t just entertainment… they were his only means of venting… something to protect him from the fear that replaced the dark.

“Ben?”

Ben tensed, head snapping up to look at Rey. He’d been so lost in thought he hadn’t even heard her enter the room. “Huh?”

Rey had gone off into the on-suite bathroom the moment he showed her their room. She hadn’t had time for a shower with lunch waiting, but she’d changed her shirt, and splashed a little water on her face. Her hair was tied up in three buns, with a few loose curls tucked behind her ears. It was a quirky hairstyle he’d grown strangely attached to. He knew how much Rey liked to feel unique. The new shirt was pretty nice too. A button up, silky thing, with a pattern of a cat’s face wearing reading glasses. He hadn’t a clue where she found these outfits of hers.

“Aren’t you gonna be hot in that?” It was a lot more humid in D.C. than in London. He still didn’t comprehend her obsession with long sleeves.

Rey shrugged. “It’s one of my favorite shirts.”

Ben rolled his eyes and nodded. He really didn’t have the energy to push. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands resting on his knees. His nails had dug in enough to hurt, even through the rough fabric of his jeans. Rey glided to his side and plopped down beside him, making the bed bounce. “They’re waiting for us.”

“They can wait a moment longer. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“We’re not doing this now.”

“Ben, you practically jumped out of your skin when I called your name a moment ago. I’ve never seen you like this.”

“Don’t Rey... please. Just leave it.” He hated when she got like this. Rey was always so determined to fix things. She wanted to solve everyone’s problems, but usually she just made things worse, and Ben was in no mood for talking out his frustrations. 

“You keep assuring me that I’ve done nothing, so I’m guessing it’s your parents that are the problem, and I find that especially puzzling. What am I missing? I haven’t seen you this tense in ages... not since we first met.”

“You locked us on a fucking roof.”

“Exactly! However, I don’t know if you’ve realized this, but we are not currently _trapped_ on a roof... and yet... _tension_ ,” she spoke with a wave of her hand. She was beaming up at him, one eyebrow quirked up, trying to sound like a character on those god damn detective shows she was addicted to. Why did she have to be so damn pushy?

Ben snorted, reaching to take one of her hands in his. He wasn’t sure why it was so calming. His eyes took in the differences in size, lining up her fingers along his, enjoying the way his skin tingled. His massive hand seemed twice as big compared to her, meaty and calloused. Hers weren’t all that delicate either with the kind of work she enjoyed. There were scars in random places, faded by time, scratches and cuts caused by heated metal. Slowly, his fingers laced with hers, his thumb brushing her skin affectionately. He wasn’t sure when her touch had gone from terrifying to comforting, but he was glad for it… grateful. “It’s complicated.”

“Why?” Rey questioned, genuinely confused.

Of course she wouldn’t understand. She’d never really had parents growing up, not like him. Her friends were her family, but she chose them, and she chose well (mostly). Her family was a goofy older brother named Finn who made everyone feel at ease in his company, a clever sister (Rose Tico) that was always around in emergencies, and well… then there was _him_. Her family were mismatched and strange, but they were hers. 

Ben was born into a family full of financial privilege. He had everything anyone could ever want in life... a nice home, the best education, opportunities other people could only dream of. Yet, he knew without a doubt, he would have traded it all just to experience his parents holding him at night when he told them he was afraid of the dark. He’d never desired for money... only their time, the one thing they’d adamantly refused to give him.

His parents would have made excellent writers with the way they spun tails. His father was practically a con artist, and he’d spent most of his life watching Han Solo talk his way out of shit, putting that charm to good use on a daily basis. As for his mother… well, deception was practically a job requirement for her. She’d been taught from an early age how to get what she wanted no matter what the cost.

For so long Ben had tried to see past these things, remember that they loved him and wanted what was best for him, but how could he trust anything they said or did? How could he trust their love when all they ever did was fuck with his mind and abandon him for the sake everything else? Lor San Tekka may have been a fucking bastard, but he was also brutally honest when Ben needed him to be, a quality he treasured more than anything in this world. A quality he’d seen almost immediately in Rey.

Ben shook his head and sighed. “It’s hard to explain, and I don’t really feel like trying. You know what I feel like doing? Eating Thai food. I’m suddenly _starving_.”

He stood, hauling Rey to her feet with him and walked towards the door when he felt a tug on his hand. Rey was staring up at him, her beautiful face ruined by the deep frown he’d caused. “Promise me you’ll try to explain it... eventually. I just... I want to understand.”

His heart immediately softened, his other hand moving to cup her face. She leaned into his hand, and he swallowed down the lump in his throat. “If you insist.” She would probably never quite comprehend his strained relationship with his parents, but she did know loneliness, and that was as good a place as any to start. “Just not right now.”

Rey nodded, staring up at him, and he let his hand drop from her face. Her eyes narrowed as she met his gaze. “You’re quite the mystery, Ben Solo.”

“Likewise, Rey Jakobi.”

For a moment he felt the familiar pull. She licked dry lips, her eyes darker than usual. Rey’s face was flushed, her breathing slightly shallow. He wondered if she felt it too… the tingle of their linked hands, the tension that never seemed to go away when they were alone. Ben knew she’d wanted him once, enough to seduce him anyway, but what he felt was so much deeper than sex. Did she feel her heart skip a beat when he looked down at her? Did her stomach twist into knots whenever he got too close? Did she feel for him the way he felt for her? He was desperate to know what this was to her. What did she truly want from him?

“My parents are waiting for us,” he finally spoke, his voice a little lower than usual.

“And Thai food.”

Ben nodded, squeezing her hand. His parents brought out the worst in him, but he was fully convinced Rey brought out the best. “Piece of advice, Rey… whatever you do… don’t trust my mother. She may look sweet and innocent, but she’s still a politician. Same goes for my father. Don’t let them fuck with you the way they’ve fucked with me.”

Rey laughed at that, shaking her head. “I’ll try to keep that in mind, Ben.”

Somehow, he had a feeling she still wasn’t taking him seriously. He’d have to do something about that… and soon. Rey didn’t stand a chance otherwise….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looooooove Leia and Han, but let's face facts... they were obviously REALLY bad at being parents sometimes. Ben may love them (just as Kylo did under the surface), but he has reasons for wanting to kill them! lol Comments are always appreciated! Tell me what ya think!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo lunch does NOT go as Ben expected, but at least they finally get to watch a movie together without things ending in a fight... now if only he could make it through the day without Rey driving him absolutely nuts.

Walking down the steps felt like a death march to the execution chamber… until he noticed his mother hurriedly grabbing her purse while his father fetched her keys. Leia’s eyes looked wild and full of fire, which usually meant trouble for anyone who stood in her way. Ben immediately stiffened as he watched her almost _snarl_ , eyes roving about as she demanded Han call her cell phone. She had a bad habit of misplacing the damn thing. In fact, several times, during visits home from university, he’d discover the poor mobile device sitting in the refrigerator. Ben would laugh himself silly teasing her about it.

“For god’s sake, Leia! Calm the hell down! It’s probably just upstairs by the bed!” Han snapped, rolling his eyes as he passed Ben and Rey, sprinting back up the steps towards the master bedroom.

“What’s going on?” Ben questioned, arms folded as he noticed the forgotten food sitting on the dining room table.

Leia turned to look over at her son, looking slightly frazzled. She’d obviously not realized he and Rey had finally come down. “It’s Kaydel! She got herself arrested again… illegally, I might add! The audacity! The police officer was obviously being a hard-headed, buffoon!”

Kaydel? Oh fuck, no wonder she was pissed. He immediately jumped down the last few steps and walked over to Leia. He could almost see the spark of worry in her gaze. “What happened?”

His mother took a deep, shaky breath, forcing herself to stand still and talk to her son, while Han continued the hunt for her cell phone. “The same thing that always happens in this damn country!” It didn’t take long for her voice to rise, seething with barely contained indignation. “She was peacefully protesting in a… less than upstanding neighborhood that was about to lose _yet another_ community center, when the police finally arrive and start arresting people. Kaydel resisted, and now they have her on assaulting a god damn police officer! The nerve! Ben, I swear I could just-”

“Retire?” he teased, cheekily. 

He almost flinched as her hand flew up, but instead of hitting him, she pointed her finger at his face and huffed. “Don’t test me, Ben! I’ve reached my limit! Who knows what I’m capable of at this point?!”

As much as Ben wanted to laugh at the idea of his _extremely_ short mother getting physical, a twinge of guilt pricked his conscience, especially considering poor Kaydel was likely in major trouble. He knew how important she was to the family, even if they’d never truly gotten along. “You and dad planning to try and bail her out?”

“I’ve already called my lawyer!”

“You called, Lando?” Lando Calrissian’s firm had been looking after the family for as long as Ben Solo could remember… hell, for as long as he’d been alive. Calrissian was an old friend of Han’s back when they were young… getting into all sorts of trouble together. Honestly, the man had the best fucking stories, though he was pretty sure some of them were a bit exaggerated.

“He’s already on his way there, but we’ve got to be there to meet him and pay her bail. Apparently, someone got the whole thing of video, and Lando’s almost certain he’ll have that officer’s badge!” He knew when his mother was ready to make an example out of someone, and Ben _almost_ pitied the officer that dared touch a hair on Kaydel’s head. He’d be lucky to leave with his pension once Leia was through with him.

Ben turned around and watched as his father returned holding up Leia’s phone. He didn’t look quite as wound up, but Han Solo had never been fond of police. He’d been through enough shit in the sixties to know what they could be like to protesters. “You two kids have fun! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! We might be gone awhile, so don’t wait up! Who knows how long this will take?”

Han grabbed his wife’s arm, tugging her along as she turned towards Rey who was still standing on the steps looking tremendously out of place in all the chaos. “I’m so sorry we couldn’t have lunch with you, Rey-”

“No it’s okay! I understand! We’ll have other opportunities,” Rey assured his mother with a careful smile.

Leia nodded enthusiastically, while her husband urged her to move, practically dragging the woman out the front door. They rushed down the brick walkway with a wave and hopped into the Ford Falcon which was already parked out front. Ben watched from the window as they sped off, and finally let out a breath. It wasn’t exactly an ideal situation, but he’d take what he could get. 

Ben clasped his hands together, clearing his throat, spinning back around to face Rey. “So… Thai?”

Rey stared back at him, looking strangely concerned. “Who’s Kaydel?”

Ah yes, how to explain that one? Was she really concerned for a woman she’d never even met, or was that look something else? He could never figure out what Rey was thinking. “Sort of family… I guess? We’ve known her a long time. Kaydel’s always been a bit… stubborn, fully prepared to take on the world with my mother’s support. I suppose she makes my mother feel better, like the world won’t completely fall apart when she passes it along to the next generation of ‘Social Justice Warriors.’ Her parents were never around and Leia’s been more of a mother to Kaydel than her own flesh and blood.”

Rey was chewing at her lip, and he knew she was struggling with a few more questions. “ _Kaydel_?”

Ben snorted. “Kaydel Connix! I know… I usually just call her Kay. Her parents were fucking _obsessed_ with science fiction when she was born. Don’t worry about her though, my mother’s pretty good at this kind of shit. Kaydel’s been arrested more times than I can count.” He glanced back at the Thai food left forgotten at the table, an idea forming in his head. “How about we take this upstairs and watch something? My parents have a pretty massive movie library. I’m sure we’ll find something we can both agree on.” He immediately regretted the offer when he was instantly reminded of the last time they’d been planning on watching a film together. “U-u-unless you don’t want to!”

Rey looked slightly pale, obviously remembering their awful fight just as he was. He didn’t miss how she averted his gaze and played with the sleeves of her shirt. “No, it’s fine! I promise… not to… try anything.” He knew she was trying to make light of the disaster that had been that day, but it felt a little too soon for humor, and he knew his answering smile was strained.

Still, at least his parents were gone for the day. He felt bad for Kaydel, but fuck… he’d not been looking forward to lunch a minute ago. This was better. Awkward, but better.

*******

As Ben led Rey into the small media room, he found himself eying the couch wearily and swallowed hard. His mind immediately supplied him with memories of Rey’s body pressed into his, her hips rolling against his strained erection, and her warm mouth as he’d briefly given in to her seduction. Fuck. He never should have rejected what she’d offered him that day. She’d felt so good against him, fit so perfectly onto his lap, his head spinning with want and desire he’d never experienced before.

He wondered how different things would have been if he’d given in. If he’d have let his hands roam over her gorgeous body, sliding up her nightie to feel her smooth breasts in the palm of his hands. He’d hear her moans doing terrible things to his sanity as he tasted her skin, and sucked small bruises into her neck. Finally, when temptation had truly taken over, his fingers would slip down past her silky panties to caress her already soaked pus-

“Ben?”

Ben’s head snapped up to look back at Rey, and he immediately blushed. He’d been blocking the damn entrance way, caught up in a fucking fantasy, while the woman _herself_ tried to balance plates of Thai food. He turned around and carefully helped relieve her load so she could get comfortable on the couch. “Sorry, I uh... was... I was...” fuck, he didn’t even have an excuse. “Being an idiot,” he finally muttered in annoyance.

Rey grinned, setting their plates aside on the black leather couch, as he handed her two beers. She opened them both and set them on a little, glass end table by the couch. “Sometimes I do wonder what’s going on in that brain of yours, Ben,” she teased.

He walked over to the extensive library of movies and pulled out one of his favorites to pop into the DVD player. It was connected to a projector that hung up against the ceiling. The large white mini movie screen lit up as the DVD began. His parent’s media room had always been sacred to his father. It was a pet project he’d insisted on for family movie nights. Unsurprisingly, it got more use when Han and his buddies wanted to watch important football games. His parents had rarely enjoyed the _luxury_ of synced schedules for something as simple as ‘family time.’ “Aw, it’s not that hard to guess what’s rolling around in my head. Mostly just ideas for character or plot development in my novels and the usual self-loathing,” he joked.

“Men... it’s always _those_ two things.”

Ben laughed, relieved to see the tension between them dissipating. He found the remote that would block out the two small windows with a special black shade and closed the door. The lights were the last thing to go as he decided the floor was a better option than the couch. He let his back rest against the front of the couch, and glanced up at Rey as she handed him his plate and beer.

“Indiana Jones? Really?” Rey groaned.

“It has romance and adventure. Don’t be so damn picky. This is a classic. As a kid I used to pretend Doctor Jones was my real father.” The main menu played on repeat until he finally clicked for the movie and set the remote aside on the glass table.

“I don’t think you would have liked him as a father any more than you enjoy Han Solo’s parenting. He completely neglected his own son.”

Ben huffed. “He didn’t even know the kid existed, and frankly, I prefer to pretend that last piece of shit movie never happened.”

They’d both taken some of the Pad Kra Prao, which was basil chicken with jasmine rice and a crispy fried egg on top. It had always been one of his favorites, and he was delighted to learn Rey shared his tastes. He took a swig of his beer before digging into his meal. At least this was going way better than the last time they’d spent time alone. He could feel his tense muscles already relaxing, enjoying the warmth of Rey’s leg pressed lightly against his shoulder. He knew there wasn’t a chance in hell that he’d be able to focus on the movie with Rey so close. Once again his mind drifted into his fantasies.

With each bite of his food, he found himself falling deeper into thoughts of that night and all he’d missed out on. Ben had to admire her boldness, even if she was a little intimidating. There was something especially sexy about how open she’d been about her desires, how _demanding_. He wondered if they would have fucked right there on the couch. The idea of watching her bounce in his lap was certainly appealing, but Ben was certain he would have preferred a bed for their first time. 

He would have pulled her close and nipped at her ear, begging Rey to let him take her to her room. The prospect would have made her breathing hitch, a quiet moan escaping her as she eagerly agreed with his request. He wouldn’t have wasted time after that. Ben almost shuddered thinking about her legs wrapped around his waist as he held her, needing her close, his tongue licking teasingly at the patch of skin where neck and shoulder meet.

Ben’s never fucked a woman raw before. He’d always used a condom, but he hadn’t had one on him that night. Perhaps Rey would be have been the responsible one? She did live with a Doctor, after all. Or maybe she was on the pill? He would have gone with whatever she wanted. He trusted her in a way he trusted no one else.

His food sat forgotten as his fantasy continued, his pants growing tight as certain parts of him awakened. He would have liked to strip her of that enticing nightie. His hands gliding along the silky outfit she’d worn just for _him_. He’d nip at her shoulders as the robe fell away, needing to taste every inch of her skin. Rey would squirm and gasp when the nightie was removed and he could finally wrap his mouth around those perfect breasts. He’d gotten a faint glimpse of them once or twice… quite pleased with what little he’d saw.

Ben’s head feel back against the couch as Rey set aside her empty plate on the glass table, choosing to stretch out on her side. His eyes drifted closed briefly as her fingers began to play with his hair, idly massaging his scalp. Oh fuck, that felt good. He was almost certain she would have buried her fingers in his hair that night too, while he sucked and licked greedily at her dusty, pink nipples. Rey’s touch only fueled the sensual thoughts playing like a private movie in the back of his mind. He’d seen ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ enough times. It wasn’t like he was missing much.

Eventually, he was forced to set aside the half-eaten plate of food before it could spill it all over the floor. He didn’t dare move his head, enjoying the way her nails gently scraped at his scalp, his curls twirling around her fingers, and every once in a while he’d feel her tug. His cock twitched in his jeans, and he dropped his hands in his lap in an effort to hide what she was doing to him.

He would have liked to taste her that night in her flat. He’s certain her first orgasm would have been caused by his tongue. He’s never particularly enjoyed that kind of thing before, but for some reason his mouth watered at the thought of tasting Rey. He’d watch her unravel beneath his mouth and fingers. Her hands still buried in his hair pushing him into her, and tugging him away, overly sensitive and wild with lust.

Ben bit back a gasp as Rey’s fingers skimmed the shell of his right ear, just a ghost of touch, but his skin was on fire. If he leaned his head back just a little further he knew the back of his head would be resting against her chest. Would she pull away? Tug him closer? Her teasing was making his head start to spin, and he wasn’t sure how much more he could take. Fingertips slipped down towards the back of his neck, and he immediately granted her access, resisting the urge to shudder when a nail dragged along the center.

What the fuck was she doing to him? Fuck, it was so erotic the way her hand played with his mane. He didn’t usually like anyone touching his hair, and yet he’d give anything for her to just… _never stop_. His breathing was already a little too heavy. His heart was beating extremely fast. He was so fucking hard it was actually starting to _hurt_. Rey was driving him crazy and she didn’t even know.

Ben blinked, forcing himself to pay attention to the movie. He’d already missed a lot of it. Indiana and his girl were in bed, her lips kissing away the aches and pains he’d suffered. Mmm… he would have probably enjoyed seeing Rey straddle his waist. Watching her from below as she brought herself pleasure on his cock. Those beautiful tits bouncing, jaw hung open as she cried out, and his hands clutching at her hips to help her along.

Kylo and Kira would be just as passionate, if not more so. Ben imagined their first time together would be rough and wild, maybe a tiny bit hateful as he fucked her within an inch of her life. He wasn’t quite as untamed as the antihero, but he imagined sometimes Rey would enjoy a little role play. He wondered how it would feel if Rey screamed out Kylo’s name in bed. The thought shouldn’t have turned him on as much as it did.

Fuck, he needed to stop. If he kept this up he’d cum right in his fucking jeans, and that would be a lot harder to explain to Rey. With a few adjustments he could hide an erection from her, focus his mind on something that would at the very least relieve the pressure, but a wet stain wasn’t as easy to explain away or conceal. He really didn’t want to fuck things up with Rey, especially when she was now being forced to share his bed.

Shit… he’d almost forgotten about that. How the hell was he going to keep his sanity intact? Her warm body so close to his… shifting during the night. What he wouldn’t give to pull her against him, feel every curve pressed into his larger body as she slept. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to control himself. The temptation to let hands wander under the covers… fuck, he wasn’t strong enough to resist. There was no way he’d get any sleep knowing she was right beside him. His skin would tingle at the proximity alone.

Ben shivered as Rey’s pinky brushed the back of his neck. Any minute and he’d surely snap. He’d turn around and join her on the couch, growling against her body like some fucking animal, begging to feel her squeeze and flutter around his aching cock. He was sick. He was twisted. He had to get control over his fucking libido. He was losing himself in the fantasy.

What the hell was Indiana Jones doing anyway? Fucking hell, he couldn’t even pay attention for even a _second_. Her hand had fallen from his hair, no longer exploring him, but her touch was still sending him into overdrive. Slowly he risked a glance back towards Rey, and his eyebrows rose as he realized she’d fallen asleep. Of course she had. His lips curled as he watched her, mouth slightly open. Why did she look so fucking adorable like this?

Ben took a deep breath and pulled away from the couch, shutting off the movie and collecting their plates. He rushed the dishes down to the kitchen to be washed, and shoved the leftovers into the fridge before returning to Rey, still sleeping soundly in the media room. He couldn’t just leave her here, could he? It seemed wrong to wake her. He knew how exhausting her flight had been. That couch wouldn’t be comfortable after a while. That only left one other option. He wondered if she would approve.

With a sigh he turned back around and opened his bedroom door, pulling back the covers on the left side of the bed. He could feel his pulse race as he thought of her there. He’d never really had anyone in his room before. Not _here_ anyway. “Jeez Ben, don’t be such a fucking juvenile…” he grumbled to himself, with a shake of his head. This wasn’t that big a deal… they were both adults. 

Ben returned to Rey in the media room, leaning down to scoop her body into his arms. She was so light, barely weighted a thing. He was careful to make sure her head fell against his chest, arms tucked into her lap, and then carried her back to his bed. He let her down gently, sitting beside her as he pulled Rey’s shirt down when it rode up, revealing a sliver of skin. It took every ounce of control he had to ignore the way his fingertips tingled when he touched her stomach. His eyes lifted to watch her chest rise and fall, see the way her eyes fluttered underneath her eyelids.

She was so fucking beautiful. So peaceful like this. Every cell in his body wanted to hold her close, protect her as she slept, whisper promises he’d surely never keep. His hand moved to brush away the rogue curls hiding away her face, and he was struck by the strange urge to lean down and taste her lips. He was such a fucking creeper. Then again, wasn’t that exactly the kind of shit kids read in fairytales? Perhaps not everything in those stories was so unrealistic. Maybe happily ever after was just code for ‘and they spent the rest of their lives not trying to kill each other.’ That was about the happiest end he could imagine.

The wave of affection he had for Rey was almost too much for him. He’d never allowed himself to feel this way about another person before. It was so fucking terrifying, and he hadn’t a clue how to endure these strong emotions. He’d never been good at processing this shit. It felt like Rey had yanked his heart right from his chest, and now it was beating in her hands… exposed to the elements. “Making me fall in love with you is by far the cruelest thing you’ve ever done to me,” he complained with a frustrated sigh. 

Ben stilled as Rey’s head turned into his hand, nuzzling him, his eyes growing wide as hers opened. Had she heard him? Had she been awake that whole time? _Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!_

Rey’s eyes looked clouded with sleep, though, her gaze barely wide enough to see him. “Is the movie over?” she asked, dreamily.

“Yeah… spoiler alert… Indiana lives,” he teased, gently.

Her lips crack into a tired smile. “And he gets the girl.”

Ben snorted. “Only _you_ would care about that.”

Rey’s eyes slowly closed once again, curling onto her side towards him. His hand now tangled in her hair. He should probably get the fuck out of here before he truly embarrassed himself. She needed her sleep, and frankly, he could use a few hours to himself. He’d wake her for dinner if she still wasn’t up by then.

Ben pulled away from the bed and grabbed the covers, draping them over her. He risked one last look at her sleeping form, before he went hunting for his bag to pull out his laptop. Seemed a good time as any to work on his novel. Already, having Rey here was proving to be especially inspiring. He wondered how Kylo would react to having Kira in his arms.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pervy Ben is back! Yay! Let's face it, at this point his balls have gone from blue to purple. That poor man could really use some relief. *cackles* Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, please feel free to send Ben your support in comments, he's going through a lot of emotions right now.


	17. Chapter 17

**“So let me get this straight. Rey is in your bed, right now?”**

“Yep.”

**“She’s currently… at this moment… in your bed.”**

“Are we seriously doing this?”

**“In an empty house.”**

“That’s what I just said.”

**“Ben! Are you kidding me with this right now?! Do you not see the opportunity being presented to you?!”**

“For fuck’s sake, Finn… she’s sleeping. She only just got here… she’s exhausted.”

**“Just be honest with me, Ben! I’m begging you! I need you to tell me the truth! Are you absolutely _sure_ you’re straight?!”**

Ben narrowed his eyes at the screen in front of him, leaning forward. “My half-hard cock should be more than enough evidence of that, Finn!” he growled, quietly. “It’s been hours and I still can’t get the damn thing to go away. She had her fucking hands in my hair… massaging the back of my neck… I thought I was gonna come right in my fucking pants! I still might if I keep thinking about it too long.”

Finn laughed loudly through Ben’s speaker, dramatically wiping away a tear as if any of this could ever be _that fucking funny_. **“I just had to be sure! That kiss we shared wasn’t half bad, and as long as you hide those dumbo ears, you’re pretty attractive.”**

“I hate you so fucking much,” Ben sighed. He should have known better than to answer when he’d realized Finn was calling. He’d assumed the man was just checking to make sure Rey was safe, but of course, he couldn’t just leave it at that… could he? He needed to know every fucking detail. Mock him for every false step or mishap. Somehow they’d developed a strange sort of friendship, and there was no breaking from it now.

Ben was used to people pegging _him_ as an asshole; usually they caught on before introductions were even made. He didn’t have the social skills or the energy to hide behind some charismatic facade. Frankly, he just didn’t give a fuck. Finn, on the other hand, most people didn’t suspect _him_ of being an asshole. He was always so friendly and outgoing. So few were privy the bastard hiding behind that unusually bright smile. Damn him.

**“Look, I’m just glad you guys worked things out. She was pretty depressed when she called me and told me about the fight. Rey really cares about you, Ben… I mean, you do get that don’t you?”**

“Of course I do!” Ben snapped, ignoring the little voice inside that had its doubts.

Finn rolled his eyes and leaned forward till his whole face filled the video screen. **“I know you have issues, but frankly… so does she. Rey doesn’t know when to quit. She’s as pushy as it gets, but she usually pushes too hard. She’s lost a lot of friends and relationships that way. We’re talking about someone struggling with some _major_ abandonment issues! I really don’t feel like watching her get hurt just because you’re too much of a coward to make a move.”**

Ben had no desire to hurt, Rey. That was part of why he’d resisted to begin with. He’d been trying to protect them _both_. Only now… he couldn’t let her go even if he wanted to. Without Rey he was miserable, but every time he was with her… he was hopeless. Nothing in his life made sense anymore, and he longed for the days before he’d known what it felt like to _care_. “I just don’t know what to do, Finn… and I swear to _god_ if you say ‘fuck her,’ I will crawl through this iPad just to murder you.”

Finn smiled wide, leaning back away from the camera again. It looked like he was sitting in a brown leather chair. Ben had never actually seen Finn’s flat before. **“You always say the sweetest things….”**

“I’m serious! I thought I could handle this, but now that she’s actually here...” Ben trailed off, and shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m doing… and then there’s my fucking _parents_ trying to stir up shit-”

**“That was brilliant, by the way… I like them. Please send them my way… maybe they can light the fire under my own ass… get me to finally ask out Rey’s neighbor.”**

“It’s not brilliant, it’s manipulative as fuck!”

**“At least they’re trying to be helpful. At least you’re parents _care_ what happens to you. I was dropped off at a god damn orphanage when I was little. Don’t get me wrong, I love my adopted parents more than anything in the world, but who the hell just heartlessly gives up a child and doesn’t even bother to make sure he’ll be picked up at the door?”**

It was times like these that Ben realized how little he knew about Finn Winslow. As much as the man liked to talk, he rarely shared anything especially personal about himself. He liked to tease and laugh… put on a show so all eyes were on him, but he didn’t want people looking too deeply past the surface. The persona felt more like smokescreen to distract from the turmoil raging inside. If there was one thing Ben was sure of… he’d never met a single person that wasn’t just a little fucked up. It felt strangely gratifying that Finn was finally letting Ben see his damage. No wonder Finn was so comfortable in the odd little family Rey had collected. 

“We had a deal… I wasn’t going to ask Rey out until you finally got up the nerve to talk to the _hunky_ neighbor.”

**“Ben, you flew her to America to meet your fucking family. The rules have changed. We’re well past dating at this point! I mean, watching a movie while she runs her fingers through that glorious mane you’ve got? Spending an entire week being her fucking tour guide? Taking her out on romantic dinners at your favorite restaurants? And to top it all off… you’ll be spending your nights sharing a fucking bed! Face facts, Ben… all that’s left on the ‘to do list’ is to fucking _do_ her.”**

“Clever wordplay....”

 **“I thought so,”** Finn agreed with a proud smirk. **“She’s already won you’re heart, idiot. Might as well give her your cock, too.”**

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Or maybe he just didn’t want to hear it. His heart was already pounding as he pictured everything Finn was saying. He hadn’t thought it through. He’d been _sleep deprived_ , for god’s sake! All he’d really wanted to do was to apologize for rejecting her, and maybe discuss taking things slow, but none of that was possible now. He was already half out of his mind with lust. All it took was a touch or a look, and good sense left him immediately. This was a fucking disaster! “I’m killing off your character, by the way.”

Finn snorted, lips pressed together in a disappointed frown. **“You know, I’m right. Don’t be petty. Tell Rey I said ‘hi’ when she wakes up.”**

“Yeah… whatever,” he grumbled just before hanging up. It took everything he had not to slam down the damn iPad. He fucking hated when other people were right….

“Was that Finn’s voice I just heard?”

Ben inwardly groaned, turning around just as Rey sleepily descended the stairs. Fuck! What if she’d heard something? He really needed to be more fucking careful! Her eyes were barely open, expression neutral, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t been listening long enough to hear Finn stupid little speech! He had to keep it together. Now wasn’t the time to panic. 

“Finn says ‘hi’,” he said out loud. Ben forced himself to smile as she walked towards the dining table. He’d spent several hours writing right up until he’d gotten Finn’s call. She was running her hands through her hair, trying to comb away the ‘bed head’ from her nap. Ben thought she looked absolutely stunning regardless.

“Oh… I meant to call him, but I just… I honestly forgot! I hope he wasn’t too worried,” said Rey, looking concerned. 

“I think he realized you were just busy,” Ben dismissed. Every single time she ran a hand through her hair, the now wrinkled shirt would ride up revealing a sliver of skin. His eyes glazed over as thoughts of kissing her stomach overwhelmed him. He’d pepper her skin with kisses and teasing licks, watching her abdominal muscles contract. He’d breathe in the scent of her skin, fresh from a shower, and smelling of lavender and vanilla. All she’d be able to manage is a whimper, hips thrusting against him in a desperate plea for him to put his mouth elsewhere.

“… is it?”

Ben blinked. Fuck. He’s completely missed her question. “Huh?”

Rey narrowed her eyes suspiciously before repeating herself, and he felt himself flush, sufficiently shamed. “What time is it, Ben?”

“Oh! Uh…” Ben reached for his iPad and glanced at the time. “Just a little after eight.” Why couldn’t he just be an adult about this? Ever since he’d realized they’d be sharing a bed he found himself lost in these damn sexual fantasies. The very _thought_ of it made him harden in his jeans. Rey in his bed… her body warm and inviting. He couldn’t take much more of this. “Are you hungry?”

Rey nodded, enthusiastically. “Starved! What shall we have? More Thai?”

“No, I can do better than that. There’s leftover pizza in the fridge. I can heat it up in the oven.”

She seemed to like that idea, her eyes lighting up instantly. “Sounds perfect!”

Ben smiled back and got up from the table to re-heat their dinner. He carefully tugged at his shirt to hide the half-hard erection currently straining against his pants. This was a fucking nightmare. How the hell was he supposed to survive this week? It was fucking impossible to hold onto his sanity with her. Any minute and he’d surely snap.

*******

It was nearly eleven when he and Rey finally marched back up the steps. They’d spent most of the evening eating pizza and discussing the last few chapters he’d finished during her nap. Discussing had inevitably turned into arguing, and he’d found himself tense for reasons other than his sexual fantasies. It was almost a relief to have something else on his mind. “I just don’t get why he has to kidnap her! He’s supposed to be a hero!”

“It’s more complex than that, Rey! He doesn’t know Kira’s motivations! She’s trying to kill him!”

“And that gives him the right to knock her out and shuck her over his shoulder like some brutish caveman?!”

Ben refused to look up at Rey when her gorgeous bottom was mere inches away from his face. Instead, he focused on the steps, climbing each one slowly and carefully behind her. “That’s not even how he carries her! He’s gentler than that! Kylo just finds her… intriguing. It’s supposed to be romantic!”

“What’s romantic about kidnapping?!” she questioned as they entered his room.

He kicked the door closed behind him as Rey crouched down and unzipped her luggage, digging into the mess of clothes to find her pajamas. “Oh come on! Of course it sounds bad when you say it like that! Haven’t you ever seen ‘Beauty and the Beast’ as a child? Or ‘Phantom of the Opera?’ Kylo’s just-”

“A monster?” Rey supplied with a quirk of her eyebrow.

Ben huffed. “He’s the anti-hero. He’s complex. The difference between what’s good and evil isn’t quite so black and white in my stories. He’s morally ambiguous.”

Rey returned to her clothes, pulling outfits out as she kept up her search. “I suppose he’d have to be, to have killed his own father.”

He hated having his decisions questioned, but he knew Rey was only trying to understand the character. He didn’t always appreciate her attitude, but sometimes she was right to have concerns. Ben valued her input, especially when it came to Kira’s characterization. “Kylo doesn’t know it yet, but he’s only taking Kira because… well, because of their connection.”

“Connection?” Rey questioned.

Ben dropped to the bed, watching her throw clothes all over as if somehow that would make everything easier to find. “It’s obviously fate, right? What’s happening between them? Something is drawing them together.”

Rey paused, twisting around to look at him. “Perhaps, but that isn’t a reason to kidnap a person. It’s deeper than that! You’re always telling me how isolated Kylo is… that he’s spent years of his life lost in guilt and regret. Kira is determined to seek vengeance for what he did to his father, but she’s also endured a lifetime of loneliness. I’m sure it must have been confusing… to know a man like Kylo; a man who would willing cut off his family when she’s so desperate to find her own.”

Ben slid off the bed and knelt down on the floor beside her. “Don’t you see? That’s why he has to take her, Rey! He doesn’t understand her any more than she understands him! This spark between them… it’s like nothing he’s ever known! He’s been drowning for so long, thrashing against the waves in this desperate attempt to breathe… and then he sees _her_! This jagged rock that could be the death of him… or his salvation! He can’t let the opportunity slip through his fingers! He has to take her! He doesn’t know any other way!”

He watched as she tilted her head at him, eyes holding his gaze as she contemplated his words. She turned to face him fully, and Ben felt the air rush from his lungs as he realized how close they were. “I like it when you talk about your writing. It’s probably the only time I’m ever certain of what you’re feeling.”

Her words caught him off guard, left him speechless. He’d always thought he was pretty simple to figure out. Leia used to say he was ‘painfully obvious.’ Finn certainly shared a similar opinion. Both had made it clear that he was terribly transparent when it came to his attraction to Rey. “And what _exactly_ do you think I’m feeling, Rey?” 

Those damn eyes were absolutely irresistible. She was chewing on her bottom lip as if she was afraid to answer him. He wished he could just tell her. He was a writer without words, and it was frustrating as hell. Nothing seemed to convey the utter desperation surging through him. How she seemed to pull him without trying… a magnetism no one had ever covered in science classes. His hands tightened into fists as he stole another inch of space between them. He needed to be closer.

Rey shook her head and pulled away, making every cell in Ben’s body scream for mercy. Finally, she’d pulled out an old sweatshirt and shorts. A brief smile lit up her face as her search came to an end. “You’re so sure of yourself. So certain of your vision. Every single day I watch you hold back and fold into yourself… right up until your hands touch the keyboard. Then it’s like you’re someone else.”

Ben’s head dipped down as he drew a breath. “That’s because I _am_ someone else, Rey. I’m Kylo Ren. I’m a _god_. I control everything around me… bend it to my will. Nothing is really a surprise. Nothing is out of my control. Everything becomes so simple when you know exactly what happens next.”

“And life isn’t like that?”

“I can’t even figure out what’s going to happen in the next few seconds…” he complained, irritably. He felt like such an idiot. All he wanted to do was kiss her, but it just wasn’t that easy. All he wanted to do was touch her, but fuck… what if she pulled away? He hadn’t a clue what she expected of him, what she wanted. Life was so much stranger than fiction.

“Why is it so important to you? Why do you need to know what happens next?”

“It’s safer that way.”

“Sounds boring,” she responded, grimacing.

She had him there. Ben quietly laughed, watching her shove clothes back into her suitcase, everything now officially wrinkled and disorganized. He was certain he ought to say something. Perhaps now was the perfect time to confess what he’d been struggling with. Ben wanted to pull her back, force her to face him, see those beautiful eyes just before he leaned in for a taste. He wanted to tell her how sexy she was. How reckless he felt when he was with her. “No one’s ever called me boring before.”

Rey leaned forward to close her suitcase, zipping it closed. He was surprised to find her frowning so deeply, true irritation written all over her face. “You spend so much time trying to figure life out, but you never actually bother _living_ it. I guess I just… I don’t understand you! I don’t get why you’re like this.”

No one had ever put it quite like that, not even Lor. He was an idiot. That was the ‘term’ they used. He was a clueless bastard. Harsh, but he couldn’t disagree. Rey was the first person he’d ever met that’d managed to form his flaws into something tangible. His life flashed before his eyes as if he were dying. Long nights hidden in a book or behind a computer. Endless days spent intentionally distancing himself from everyone around him, because none of them made sense and it caused him anxiety. 

Ben frowned, his eyes drifting to her suitcase as he tried to find some explanation for his behavior. He wasn’t sure how their conversation had come to this, but felt utterly humiliated. He felt chastened. Like such a ridiculous fool. Tears stung his eyes, and that only made it worse. He was so pathetic! An absolute failure! A lovesick boy too scared to even admit he was capable of such feelings. Why would Rey ever want anything to do with a man like him?

Rey finally turned back to look at him, muttering a curse under her breath. “I… I’m sorry! I didn’t mean-”

“Don’t,” Ben insisted, suddenly unable to look at her. “Don’t apologize. I’m an idiot… it’s not like I wasn’t aware.” He tried to smile when he finally met her gaze, but his eyes betrayed him. They were always doing that.

“You don’t _have_ to be an idiot, Ben. I’ve seen glimpses… little glimmers of hope. Sometimes you’re actually quite brilliant.”

 _Hope_. Is that what kept her around? Was she seeing something he couldn’t? Or was it just her imagination? Ben wanted to believe there was hope for him. That he could rise above his fears, beyond the irrational antics that kept him as isolated as Kylo Ren in his stories. He didn’t really feel like being an idiot anymore. All it took was just one second of bravery… one moment of absolute fearlessness. He didn’t have words, but maybe he didn’t need them. Actions spoke so much louder than words ever could.

Ben’s nails dug hard into his palm. No time to second guess himself. No time for doubts. It was now or never, wasn’t it? Either bite the bullet or accept his lot in life. Rey was staring at him again, waiting. She’d pulled away before. He wasn’t sure he could stand it if she did it again. His lips curled into the faintest smile. “You think I’m brilliant?” he teased.

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re intentionally missing the point-”

“Actually, I thought you made your point perfectly clear,” he assured her. His hands shot up to cup her face, holding her still, as he drew Rey in for a kiss. His heart sank as he felt her go stiff. Every muscle tensing as he slotted his mouth against hers. Shit! Maybe her point hadn’t been as clear as he’d thought!

Ben was about to pull away when her hand gripped his shirt, finally responding. She was pulling him close. Moaning against his lips. His chest loosened as he felt her melt against him, and suddenly a kiss wasn’t nearly enough.

Solo pressed her down until she was lying on the floor below him. He could feel the edge of her luggage dig into his shoulder as he deepened the kiss. She was so fucking perfect. Her tongue tangling with his, battling it out in some sensual game in which there was no loser. Ben could still taste the sauce from the pizza they’d had for dinner. His right hand slipped from her face to slide down, cupping her breast over the bra and blouse. Rey gasped, just opening her mouth further as he continued his assault. Why the fuck had he ever turned this down?!

It wasn’t enough. He needed more. All of her. He’d happily rip her clothes off and fuck her right into his bedroom floor. He’d been half-hard all day, and he could only take so much. He gave her breast a firm squeeze, feeling her nipple harden beneath the fabric. She felt so good underneath him. He was already rutting against her hip, enjoying the friction, frantic in his desire for relief.

Ben broke the kiss, trying to catch his breath. Rey’s hands were already back in his hair… tugging and pulling. “Tell me now if this isn’t what you want.” His hand released her breast and traveled down to the sliver of exposed skin, teasing the edge of her pants with his fingertips.

Rey shuddered underneath him, arching her back, teeth grinding together as she growled. “Like I’d ever give you the chance to back out now.”

He couldn’t help but laugh as he dived back for her mouth, kissing her deep and trapping her bottom lip in between his teeth as she whimpered. He felt like an animal. Like a rubber band being stretched so past its limits… it’d finally snapped. His head was spinning. His chest ached from the rapid beating in his chest. All he could hear was the sound of blood rushing through his veins, and wet kisses that had gone from soft and sensual to tongues and teeth. He could barely think. She was everywhere. His doubts melting away to nothing as her hand cupped his cock through his jeans.

He was going to fuck her. It wouldn’t be slow. There was no fucking way he could take his time. It’d be hard and fast… on his fucking bedroom floor. It wasn’t what Rey deserved, but he couldn’t be bothered to care. She was so _willing_. So responsive. He was already unbuttoning her pants, shoving his fingers into her panties and… oh fuck, how could she possibly be that wet?

“Oh Be-”

“Ben?!”

Rey and Ben immediately stilled. _No_. No, no, no, no, no! “Fuck!” Ben snarled, tearing his mouth from Rey, his hand still shoved down in her pants.

“Oh god, your parents!”

“Rey?!”

“They’re probably already in bed, Han! Just let them sleep,” he heard his mother whisper.

Ben ripped his hand from Rey’s panties, cursing under his breath. His fingers were wet, and he rubbed them on his jeans, glaring at his painfully obvious boner. He couldn’t let his parents see him like this! He dashed to the door, twisting the lock as he heard them climb the steps. When he turned back, Rey was rushing into the bathroom, holding her pajamas close to her chest.

“Dad?!” he called through the door, listening as they stilled just outside. “D-d-did you guys manage to bail Kaydel out?” he asked, his voice just an octave too high. He cleared his throat and tugged at his pants to relieve the pressure on his crotch.

“Uh yeah… they let her go once they realized the shitstorm that would be coming they’re way. Didn’t even have to pay. Lando’s one hell of a lawyer,” Han answered.

Ben could hear Rey turn on the shower, and his forehead pressed into the wooden door as he tried to catch his breath. “Rey’s in the shower. We were just about to go to bed.”

“Right, well… we’re off to bed too. We’ll talk more in the morning. Sleep tight, kid.”

“Night,” Ben shouted over the noise. He rested his ear against the wood and listened as his parents walked past, closing the door to their own room. No more movement. He should have taken Rey to a fucking hotel. He really _was_ the biggest idiot this world had ever seen.

He pushed away from the door and stood in the empty bedroom in a state of absolute shock. He’d kissed Rey. Slid his fucking fingers against her soaked cunt. His cock was practically throbbing with need. So OF COURSE his parents had interrupted them! And now Rey was in the god damn shower. What if she was already second guessing it? What if he’d taken things too far? _Fucking_ , shit! He was gonna kill _both_ of his parents.

What the fuck was he supposed to do now?!

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think it's possible to fuck Ben up more than this. I've literally gone too far. This is terrible. Feel free to curse at me in the comments. XD


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Last Jedi was so fucking inspiring I literally rewrote this chapter, so I'm sorry it took me so long to update! I hope you enjoy!

Ben’s knock was soft, hesitant after how quickly she’d disappeared. Was she upset with him? With the situation? He couldn’t fucking _believe_ his parent’s timing. He had to fix this, make sure she was alright. He hadn’t a clue how she felt about what had just happened between them. One minute she’d been so… responsive, and the next she’d been dashing for the door like she was terrified of him. 

“Rey?” he’d called out, still struggling to calm down the demands of his body. He’d never felt so fucking pent up. When he didn’t hear an answer he decided just to crack the door open a bit. Perhaps she couldn’t hear him over the shower? It didn’t seem to matter though, as he realized it was locked. Of course it was! “Fuck!”

Ben’s body sagged against the door in defeat, his forehead pressed into the wood, listening to the sounds of water cascading loudly as she showered. There was no fucking way he’d ever get things back on track after _this_. What the hell had he been thinking? Was he seriously gonna sleep with her in his parent’s fucking house?! He was thinking with his dick! Rey deserved so much better than a quick fuck on the floor of his old bedroom. Once an asshole, always an asshole. 

He just wished he knew what was going through her mind at this moment. Hell, maybe if their minds were linked together she’d actually understand why he was such a bastard. It took all the willpower he had to push away from the door. Maybe she just needed distance, a minute to process what the hell just happened. He could give her that. Not that he really had a choice.

Ben had unpacked most of his shit in drawers the moment he’d settled in. He fished out some black pajama pants from the dresser, frowning as a new concern took hold over his thoughts. He hadn’t exactly planned on sharing a bed with Rey when packing for this visit. Hell, he hadn’t even planned on Rey being here when he’d first packed for this visit. Somehow the pants didn’t feel like enough clothing now that he knew she’d be sleeping beside him. Tomorrow he could buy some shirts to make her feel more comfortable, but that didn’t help him much now. He’d already done enough damage!

He stripped off his clothes just seconds after he heard her turn off the jets, tugging on his pajama pants and flicking off the main light, but leaving on the lamp beside him so Rey could find her way from the bathroom. Ben climbed into bed, taking the left side, lying on his back to stare at the ceiling. His cock still ached despite everything, and he flushed at the thought of Rey realizing just how much she affected him. He couldn’t make the damn thing go away.

Ben silently listened as Rey changed into her own sleepwear. She barely made a sound other than the odd sigh, and the ruffling of clothing. The lock turned and he swallowed thickly as the bathroom door swung open. She was chewing on her lip, and playing with the edges of her sleeves. She only did that when she was feeling especially uneasy. Before he could kick himself even further for pushing, Rey opened her mouth to explain. “I panicked,” she immediately told him, her voice hushed now that his parents were home. “God, I’m so sorry, Ben!”

Why the fuck was she apologizing? He was the idiot who’d shoved his hand down her pants. He’d pushed too hard. Rushed things between them. A kiss would have conveyed his desire perfectly, but he’d always been the guy pushing past limits. He shot up in the bed, shaking his head, as he stared back at her in the dim light. “No, you have nothing to apologize for. I pushed too far-”

“Ben, stop!” Rey interrupted, rushing over to the bed and crawling on hands and knees over the covers. He watched her settle on the backs of her feet as she held his gaze, looking a little more self-assured. Her eyes drifted down to his lips, and the air sparked with the usual tension. “I wanted you to touch me. To kiss me. I’ve wanted it from the moment I met you. You’re just so… just so… I dunno. Doesn’t it just feel like you’ll go mad?! My stomach’s in my throat and I can’t breathe normally. You pull away every time and I feel like a bloody fool! I just… feel so… pent up!”

He knew exactly how she felt, but he could hardly believe she was saying it. “You’re not alone,” he admitted, softly. “I feel it too.”

“Do you? Do you really, Ben? I’m not sure I could take being rejected again. I know it seems like I know what the hell I’m doing, but I assure you, it’s all an act! You’re not the only one afraid of getting _hurt_.”

They’d never really talked like this before. Somehow it felt so much more serious when he realized where all this was headed. That panicked voice inside his head was clawing to get out. To shut this whole conversation down. It could all go downhill so fast, and he was absolutely petrified. He couldn’t stop thinking about how it’d felt when she told him to leave that night. The cold look in her eyes as she’d shut down, as if scrambling for some dignity after he’d lashed out. He’d humiliated her. Made her feel undesirable. Yet here she was trusting him with her feelings once more. Giving him another shot. She was so god damn forgiving.

Maybe this would be a disaster. He was almost certain of it. They were so different. Their views on the world so opposite. She believed in lasting love and happily ever afters, the shit people fed their kids right along with stories about the tooth fairy. Ben was just waiting for it all to come crashing down. Waiting for the inevitable disaster that was sure to come and pull them apart for good.

Yet, here he was, willing to take whatever she’d give him. The alternative was too painful… his chest felt empty without her. He wanted her even if it hurt later. He wanted the girl who wore long sleeves in the fucking summer. The girl that made him question his sanity! The girl that fascinated him! The girl that occupied his every thoughts. He wanted her with every fucking cell in his body, and if he didn’t do something quick everything would slip away… right through his damn fingers. Lose her now or lose her tomorrow. Maybe he could delay tomorrow for just a few minutes more.

“Come here,” Ben finally spoke. When he saw her hesitation, he repeated his words with special emphasis. “Come here, Rey.”

She was back on her hands and knees, crawling closer, far too slowly for his frayed nerves. Ben cupped her jaw and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. Just enough to convey his affection. Enough to illustrate what he couldn’t seem to say. One kiss turned into another… and another. His thumbs grazing her cheeks as he breathed her in. The tension around them was unbearable. He had to relieve it somehow, but he’d damned if he was going to allow their first time together to be in his fucking parent’s house. 

“Ben,” she whispered against his mouth… so needy. Fuck, why the hell hadn’t he gotten them a hotel?!

He immediately deepened the kiss, tugging her closer until she was crawling over his body, legs straddling his hips. Her mouth hovered over his for just a moment, and he felt her crotch graze the head of his cock through their clothes. Rey’s hands settled on his shoulders, bending her neck just low enough to kiss him once more, deeper this time. Her moan vibrated against his lips, and he felt her tongue beg entrance to his mouth. He opened up to her readily, deepening their kiss, tongues happily intertwined again as they savored each other’s taste.

His hands slid down from her face, past her breasts, cupping her ass as he demanded friction. He was going dizzy with lust, and his erection was becoming quite painful after so long without relief. “Lie down,” he demanded when he finally broken their kiss.

Rey pulled off of him in the blink of an eye. He almost had to laugh at the way she shoved the covers and took the free space just beside him. There was a nervous eagerness to how she stared back at him. So trusting and willing, but it was as if she were waiting for him to end this any second. He wouldn’t be doing that. He’d fucked up enough already.

Ben twisted onto his left side, using one arm to prop himself up while his right hand traced the lines of her jaw. “I need you to try and keep quiet, Rey… think you can do that for me?” He was still very aware that his parents were sleeping just down the fucking hall. The last thing he wanted is for _them_ to hear this.

She said nothing, just nodded, her breathing already labored with anticipation. Ben slowly let his hand drift down her neck, squeezing a breast teasingly over her sweatshirt, and then tugging it up to expose her stomach to his gaze. He spread his palm out over her flat stomach, leaning down to kiss her temple, feeling her muscles tense and loosen under his touch. She was so fucking beautiful. His crotch pressed tight against her hip.

“I never wanted to feel this out of control.” He made sure Rey could feel how hard he was against her body. “You drive me crazy… make me do and say things… behave poorly… nothing ever comes out right.”

Rey’s jaw fell open as her heated gaze burned straight through him. Once again he slipped his fingers in her shorts, cupping her sex through her panties. They were already wet with her arousal. He curled his fingers to put pressure along her outer lips through the silky cloth. “Trust me… the feeling’s mutual, Ben.”

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. It just didn’t seem possible that he could ever affect her as deeply as she affected him. “What do you want, Rey?” he asked, feeling her legs open up to his hand. His fingertips teased at the skin where her inner thighs met her sex. A few pubic curls tickled his skin every time he toyed with the elastic of her panties. “What do you want… I need you to say it… **say it**.”

“Y-your fingers… ugh… please,” she gasped. Her hips jerked as he toyed with the edge of her panties. The anticipation was obviously getting to her. He watched her hands grip the sheet underneath them, a low whimper escaping from her lips. “I can’t be patient right now. Don’t be an arse,” she growled. 

He almost laughed at her complaint. Ben knew exactly what he was doing to her, but after so long resisting this… he just wanted to savor every moment. He pressed his forehead against the side of her face, lips dangerously close to her ear. “Now you ask the impossible.”

He used his thumb to move aside her panties and slipped his middle finger inside, straight to her center. Rey bucked. She was a bit tight around him. It really must have been a while. At least that was something they had in common. Slowly he began to stretch her, adding yet another finger whenever she made noise. By the time she was ready for a third, he was already thrusting into her tight channel, shallow and leisurely. She’d squirm and grind into his hand over the bedsheet, panting and begging for more.

He used his thumb to press into her clit, watching her shudder under his ministrations. “Is this what you wanted, Rey?”

Rey licked her lips, gritting her teeth. “Fu-uck me,” she breathed.

Ben began to deepen his thrusts, burying his fingers inside her while his thumb continued to press and rub at her clit. She was coming apart right underneath him. It was so sexy. His cock rubbed desperately against her, the friction making him grunt. All he could hear was the wet and lewd noises of her pussy being fucked by his fingers. She was practically dripping around him, soaking his fingers till he was almost certain they’d be all pruney by the time he was done. He could fucking _smell_ her arousal.

She wouldn’t last long. Her hips met each thrust as he took his fingers as deep inside her as he could, continuing to stretch her, her legs jerking on the bed. Her back arched, and she let out a moan. “Ben… oh!”

“Shhhh,” he hissed, nipping at her ear. “Quiet remember? Otherwise I won’t let you come.”

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Rey groaned.

So demanding… he really liked that about her… fuck, he loved that about her. She was as stubborn as he was. They really were a match made in heaven… or hell. “Don’t worry, Sweetheart… I may be a monster, but I’m not _that_ cruel.”

Ben almost groaned as Rey squeezed around his fingers, a gush of liquid dripping down his palm. So fucking wet for him. Her reward was even harder thrusts, aiming for her g-spot… that textured place inside her that would send her over the edge. “Holy fu-” Rey gasped, fluttering around his fingers, pulling them deeper inside. She looked stunned. As if she hadn’t believed it possible he could do this to her. 

The feeling of her squeezing his fingers had him thrusting his hip hard against her, and he felt himself release right in his fucking pants. Everything seemed to go white for a minute, his ears ringing, and his body roughly humping her through his orgasm. “God… Rey….”

He wasn’t quite sure who’d kissed who, but his lips were devouring hers again, her legs clamped shut, trapping his hand inside her. Ben wasn’t complaining. She was absolutely amazing, and it was just such a fucking relief to have finally come. Her hands found themselves in his hair and gripped hard, keeping him close. By the time he pulled away, it was because his lungs were starved.

“You okay?”

Rey’s eyes were closed when he pulled his hand from her shorts. “Bloody brilliant,” was her immediate response with a sigh. “You?”

“You made me come in my only pair of clean pajamas.”

Rey laughed quietly as he sucked at his fingers, enjoying the taste of her pleasure. At some point he’d really enjoy burying his head between her legs… if she let him. “Been a while?”

“You have no fucking idea….”

“Oh, I’d say I do.”

*******

It was a good thing he’d slept in his boxers, because the house felt like an oven by morning. The covers were half kicked off, and Rey had taken over most of the bed. Ben wasn’t really complaining after all she’d let him do the night before, although it was a bit inconvenient struggling not to fall off the god damn bed.

His skin felt clammy from sweating through the night, and his fingers still smelled of her arousal, reminders of their activities just before falling asleep. He wasn’t really sure where this left them now. Relationships weren’t ever his expertise. Were they supposed to talk about it? Make some formal agreement that they were dating? It all felt so childish and awkward to think about. The last time he’d gone through this shit, she’d been the one to decide. He’d just kind of… gone along with it. Not caring either way.

Ben stared down at Rey’s still form, marveling how such a small woman could occupy almost an entire queen size bed. She was snoring faintly, her sweatshirt shoved up so high he could almost see the curve of her breast. If he was hot, surely she was. He ought to help her get rid of it. Maybe she’d let him suck her nipples before breakfast. Damn, he was such a fucking perverted creep.

He couldn’t really help wanting to pleasure her, though. He felt like he was falling without a parachute, but he’d be damned if he didn’t enjoy the view on the way down. He’d savor every moment before it all blew up in his face. It was reckless. It was stupid. He was in too deep to pull back now. Before this was over he’d make sure he’d thoroughly explored this. He wanted a damn reason for why it hurt when they finally crashed.

Ben leaned over her, tilting his head to the side to nip and suck at her exposed neck. Rey sighed in her sleep, subconsciously giving him better access. He was semi-hard when he rolled over half her body, sliding a hand up her sweatshirt to squeeze at her tits. That seemed to wake her up immediately, and she let out a gasp, “Ben!”

“Morning,” he rumbled into her neck. Hiding his face from her. He just wanted to get lost in this. Terrified that reality would catch up with them far too soon. Just a few more minutes in this bed would settle his fears.

Rey pulled away from his lips with a laugh, turning to kiss his lips. Their breath was terrible, but he didn’t mind it one bit. That had to mean something. He really was falling hard. “Good morning,” she murmured against his lips.

Ben kissed her once more, but his attention was on the nipple currently trapped between his thumb and forefinger. He could feel it harden under his ministrations, her back arching into his hand. “Why didn’t I get the damn hotel room when I had the chance?” he rumbled, grumpily.

“I think your parents might be offended if we did that,” Rey protested.

“I don’t give a fuck what offends my parents.”

“Of course _you_ don’t, but I do. We’ll just have to make due.”

He hated to hear her say that, but he knew how much she liked them. Wanted their approval. Without a family of her own, he supposed it was natural to be keen on _his_. Perhaps she was attempting to fill a void, find surrogates for the ones she’d lost? Her and Han discussing cars as she fawned over that piece of junk of a car parked outside. Leia and Rey bonding over whatever it was women talked about when men weren’t around. It all sounded great, but she’d just end up disappointed in the end. There was a reason he didn’t come home very often.

Ben licked at the sweat beading around her temple, enjoying the salty taste like the weirdo he was. “How the hell can you still be in the sweatshirt? It’s too fucking hot.”

Rey shook her head. “I’m fine, Ben.”

She didn’t look fine. She looked overheated. He shoved the damn thing up to expose her breasts, and immediately sucked a nipple into his mouth. Rey arched into him, choking on a moan that was a little too loud for his liking. His hand was still playing with her other breast, taking comfort in how it felt against the palm of his hand. His head rose to look back at her, gaze heated as he hardened in his boxers. “Take it off.”

“But your parents-”

“The door’s locked, it’s not like they can come in. You’re so fucking red. The damn AC was probably turned off last night. My parents are energy conservation freaks. Trying to save the world is their obsession… at the expense of waking up not feeling disgusting.”

Rey rolled her eyes. “There’s nothing wrong with being concerned for the environment, Ben.”

“Lots of good that’ll do… this house will single-handedly save us from global warming,” he snorted. It was a cynical viewpoint, but he’d seen enough to realize nothing ever changed. The idiots his mother worked with and for seemed eager to watch the entire planet engulfed in flames… as long as their pockets were lined with green in the meantime.

Her huff was so fucking cute, glaring daggers at him even as he flicked her nipple, and watched her shudder. He knew he was driving her crazy with need. Stoking her desires in the hopes that she’d allow him a repeat of the night before. “Must you always be like this?”

“I’m just being honest,” he insisted, ducking back down to lick the valley between her breasts. “You seem to appreciate that about me.”

Rey reached into his boxers, wrapping a hand around his dick. His hips jerked immediately as she stroked him. “It’s an admirable quality, but not if it means enduring your pessimistic points of view.”

He smiled faintly against her skin, just a curl of his lips, enjoying the way she squirmed underneath him. He slid his hand away from her breast to give her mound a squeeze over her clothes. Ben tugged at her shorts, dragging them down past her knees till she could kick them off. “It’s not like you didn’t know I was a cynical bastard from day one.”

“I’m hoping you’ll see the light one day.”

“Your hope is misplaced.” Ben growled as her hand squeezed at the head of his cock, and he started tugging on her sweatshirt. 

“Leave it on.”

“I want you naked,” he demanded. She immediately started tensing up, and Ben stilled as her hand pulled away from his shorts. He’d done something wrong. When he looked up at her face he could see the conflict in her eyes. “Rey?”

“I’m sorry… Ben, I’m sorry.”

What the fuck was this? She looked so god damn guilty, and he didn’t understand. “What the hell are you apologizing for?”

Rey’s eyes flickered away, refusing to meet his gaze, and he knew it had to be bad. Was she regretting this already? Was he taking things too far? She swallowed audibly before pushing him off her body to sit up. Ben sat up with her, staring at the back of her head. He waited for some sort of explanation, but she seemed to be caught in a debate of her own. His imagination was already running away with him, conjuring up the absolute worst case scenario.

“Rey?”

Rey twisted around to face him, chewing on her lip. “It’s just… embarrassing.”

“What is?” What the fuck did he _do_? There were actually tears in her eyes and he hadn’t a clue how things had spiraled like this.

Slowly she moved to her knees, tugging off the sweatshirt. His eyes immediately flickering to perky breasts and tanned skin that he desperately wanted to taste. She pulled her head through, and the sweatshirt was sliding off her arms. His eyes drank in her shoulders, biceps, and finally each sleeve as it was yanked off, fully bare to his gaze. He didn’t notice at first. It took himself a minute to register. The skin on her forearms faintly melted by a past burn. They weren’t the ugliest scars he’d ever seen. They’d actually healed quite nicely, but from the look Rey was giving him, she didn’t see it that way.

Ben’s lips pressed together in a deep frown. His hand cautiously reached out to feel the smoothness of her damaged skin. “So this is what you’ve been hiding from me?”

“It’s from the accident that killed my parents. My sleeves caught on fire when they pulled me from the wreckage.”

He wasn’t really sure what to say. It’s not like it changed how he felt about her. Scars were scars, and he had plenty. Apparently, so did she. “You thought I’d care?”

“ _I_ care, Ben… it’s not really about you.”

Ben didn’t miss the bite in her response. Of course she cared what he thought about this. She cared what everyone thought or she wouldn’t hide away her arms in long sleeves. His finger traced the edges of her burn, felt the difference between the scars and healthy skin. When he finally looked up she was looking everywhere else, but at him. “What do you see when you look at these burns.”

“I don’t know.”

“Bullshit.”

Rey turned her head to glare at him. “My parents died, Ben! It was the worst day of my life!”

“And it reminds you of them?”

He watched her wipe away a tear and shake her head. “I barely remember them to begin with.”

“Hiding away a few scars doesn’t make it any better, Rey. All it does is make you hold on tighter to what hurts.”

Rey ran a hand through her hair and shook her head. “I think I ought to take another shower.”

“Rey-”

“Excuse me,” she snapped before climbing off the bed and rushing off to the bathroom. He couldn’t help wincing as the door slammed shut.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did you guys think? Now we finally know Rey's secret! Glad everyone was finally noticing the long sleeves were hiding something pretty bad! Please let me know what you think!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so damn long! Between the holidays, family, and just trying to give my girlfriend proper attention for once... it's been a busy few weeks!

He’d hoped a long exhausting run might just be the key to calming the angry outburst just waiting to happen. He’d grabbed a pair of his father’s shorts and a tank after Rey retreated into his bathroom and just torpedoed out into the neighborhood exploring every street. Not much had changed since he’d moved out. Faces had changed, but the layout of his old neighborhood was the same. Clearing his mind when he felt this maddened was a challenge. His pride was deeply wounded, and his confusion over the entire exchange was more than enough to make him want to scream.

Exercise was supposed to be healthier. He’d been told all his life that breaking things solved nothing; especially when it usually just pissed off his mother. At least one or two of those damn anger-management classes had talked about running and biking being an excellent way to blow off steam… like a productive human being. Maybe it worked for some, but Ben was still just seconds away from sending his fist into a wall. 

His mind was already cataloging shit he could do to successfully release the built up frustrations inside. He could bash a neighbor’s mailbox with a baseball bat till it broke. Or throw a trash can into the windshield of his father’s fucked up excuse for a car. Hell, he’d give anything to throw something heavy out of his bedroom window. It would probably be pretty satisfying watching it splinter into a thousand pieces on the grass below. Shit, that wasn’t normal. What a fucking trainwreck he’d turned out to be.

Ben pushed himself to run faster, making his way back towards the house in record timing. He couldn’t destroy things if he was half-dead, right? Fucking relationships… it’d been all of a few hours and he was already tempted to pull his hair out. What the hell did Rey want him to say?! She’d just shut down… shut him out so damn fast! Was that how it’d always be with her?! He was a fucking bastard! He was bound to say worse shit! At least this time he was _trying_ to be sensitive to her feelings! To show her it didn’t matter! She didn’t have to hide scars from him! Or be embarrassed! It didn’t change anything!

He rounded the corner back towards his block, watching Han Solo pull back the empty trash bin… so much for his brilliantly destructive plan to fuck up his father’s car. Fuck it, he wouldn’t have had the guts anyway, especially not when Rey was still somewhere in the house. Not that it mattered where Rey was. She’d shut him out for whatever the hell he’d said to offend her. He just wish he knew why she’d gotten upset with him. It wasn’t like he could read her damn _mind_. She knew better than anyone that he was shit at saying the right things.

Panting and covered in sweat, Ben leaned against the car to catch his breath. Droplets trickled from his hair onto the car, down his face and neck; his shirt wet enough to look like he’d just jumped into somebody’s fucking pool. The heat and the run had certain done him good, but it’d been awhile and his muscles were already protesting the extra work. He was sure to be sore later for pushing himself.

Ben slammed his fist into the car, immediately regretting it as he felt his hand throb. Son of a bitch! He just wanted to tear something to shreds! He’d had his fucking fingers buried in her pussy just the night before, and now this?! He wasn’t sure if it was possible to be any angrier at the mess this day was already turning out to be. Fuck it, maybe alcohol was the answer. He’d try anything at this point.

He lumbered back inside with heavy steps, heading straight for the kitchen to see his mother already busy making breakfast. She was at the stove frying bacon, with various pots and pans covering almost every burner. He could smell biscuits cooking, and the bacon made his stomach growl. “Oh you’re back! Did you enjoy your run?” she asked, cheerfully. Ben didn’t respond, simply reached into a lower cabinet to find the hidden stash of his father’s best whiskey and poured himself a glass. Leia quirked an eyebrow. “Isn’t it a bit early for that?”

Ben knocked back the burning liquid, making sure she watched, and let out a satisfied sigh before pouring another glass. Leia was used to his pissy moods, and immediately rolled her eyes, returning to the cooking. She didn’t seem inclined to argue; which was great cause he couldn’t be responsible for any damages if she poked the beast. He was already on the fucking edge. All it would take was one little thing… just one thing to set him off. He was sure of it.

“Hiya kid! Sleep okay?!” 

_Son of a bitch._ Ben threw the glass he’d been holding to the floor, watching his mother yelp in surprise as glass exploded against the tile. There was something satisfying about watching it shatter, shards scattered everywhere on the floor. He hoped his father enjoyed his reply. It was their fucking fault. He could have slept in the damn bed by himself… taken things slow with Rey like he’d planned. Then maybe this fucked up morning wouldn’t have spiraled. Ben reached for the bottle of whiskey and took a large sip, wishing his tolerance for alcohol wasn’t quite so high.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no,’” his father muttered, calmly grabbing a broom.

“Damn it, Ben! What on earth has gotten into you?!” Leia growled breathlessly, as if she’d never seen him break shit before.

Rey! Rey was what’d gotten into him! His parents! His whole fucking life! He wanted to explode like the damn glass his father was sweeping up! The goddamn run hadn’t helped AT ALL! How did people deal with these fucking emotions?! How did people survive disappointment? He wish he fucking knew! He’d love to handle this shitty morning like a normal human being, but that just didn’t seem possible. Ever since he’d gotten home he’d been on edge. He missed London. He missed his home. Missed being alone. He craved large gray clouds and the gentle cascading rain that always seemed to fit his horrible moods.

He needed to get the hell out of here. Out of this house. Out of this country. As far away from people as he could possibly get. “Fuck!” he finally shouted, slamming down the whiskey just as his father had finished cleaning up his mess. Ben whirled on his mother. “You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?! You had to fucking FIX everything!” He knew it was unfair to blame her for this, but he needed someone to yell at. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I’m not ready?! That I’m not mentally prepared to deal with this shit?!”

“Don’t you dare talk to your mother that way! She was only trying to help!” Han shouted, stepping in between Ben and Leia. “She wants to see you happy! We both do!”

“WELL I’M NOT!” he finally screamed. “I NEVER HAVE BEEN, AND I NEVER WILL BE!”

It felt like the truth, but it wasn’t. Rey made him happy. He’d been certain his chest might actually burst when he’d felt her body under his, fingers caressing her soft folds, watching her try to keep quiet even as he fucked her to orgasm. Those moments of kissing her and touching her had been pure bliss. He just didn’t understand why he couldn’t hold onto it! Why couldn’t he just stay in that moment?!

Ben’s heart was beating strong in his chest. The look on his parents face finally registering, and the guilt quickly made its way to the surface. The fight left him just as suddenly as it’d appeared. Han was standing in front of Leia like Ben might actually _hurt_ her or something. He wouldn’t. Not in a billion years, but the fact that his father didn’t know that was more than enough to pacify him. “I’m gonna take a shower.”

Han’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion as he glanced back at his wife. His son turned away from them both and rushed up the stairs. When he reached the room, his bathroom door was still closed with Rey hidden inside. He collected his clothes quickly and exited to use the bathroom in the hall. Fuck this entire goddamn day….

*******

Ben hadn’t been sure how he would react when he finally came face to face with Rey. He’d spent most of his shower trying to reply what happened, see what he could have done differently. Maybe if he was able to _see_ where he’d fucked up, he could avoid similar mistakes in the future. As the anger had faded, all he’d been left with was fear. Fear that it was over even before it’d begun. Fear that this was only the beginning. He’d surely just keep making the same damn mistakes, and he wasn’t sure he could handle her shutting him out every time.

Rey actually meant something to him. He’d never had that before. He’d liked other women, but it was never like this. It’d never felt so raw… so intense. Ben felt consumed by emotion whenever Rey was around him. His skin was too sensitive. His lungs barely functioning. His body hummed and vibrated like she’d flipped a switch and he’d come alive. He couldn’t stop seeing her face. She’d imprinted on him, and there was no fucking way he could escape her now. He loved her. What the _hell_ was he supposed to make of that?

By the time he came back downstairs there were three people sitting at the table eating breakfast. His parents and Rey. Rey’s eyes briefly connected with his, but then her face flushed, and she returned her focus on the meal. Eggs, bacon, biscuits, and grits. They’d already made his plate. He dropped down the last step and walked over to his chair, just left of Rey, across from his father on the other side. Leia and Rey were beside each other, and his mother’s smile was strained.

“So what’s the plan for today? I do hope Ben plans on taking you to a few museums today!”

Fuck. How the hell was he supposed to sit here and endure this? How was he supposed to pretend like he wasn’t fucking miserable? Like he and Rey were just fine and dandy! Ben dug his fork into the grits, and made sure his mouth was too full to talk. He was grateful his mother had already added butter and salt. It was perfectly seasoned, just the way he liked it. He didn’t care if he fucking choked on his food. He bit into his biscuit and followed up with a sip of freshly squeezed orange juice. 

Seeing that he wasn’t going to speak, Rey cleared her throat and swallowed. “I had at least hoped to do the Air and Space Museum! I hear it’s quite lovely!”

“Oh yeah, it’s great!” Han assured her. “I used to take Ben there all the time when he was a boy!”

“Oh and the monuments! You must see a few! Everything’s fairly close!” Leia added.

“That would be wonderful! I suppose it just depends on what we’ll have time for.” Rey smiled pleasantly, poking at her bacon with her fork. Ben noticed she was wearing a gray long sleeve shirt with a black and white picture of the Beatles. It was cut short at the bottom to show off her belly. She seemed to have no problem revealing skin as long as it was free of scars. Ben stabbed at a piece of egg and shoved it in his mouth.

“Oh don’t mind, Ben! He gets in these moods fairly often, always has! He’ll make sure you see everything you want or I’ll kick his ass myself!” his father assured Rey, earning a glare from his son. 

Rey turned an even darker shade of red, her eyes wandering back to his, and he could see she looked worried. Why?! What the hell did she have to be worried about?! Did he think he’d drive her back to the fucking airport? Was she afraid of spending another fucking second with him? Or that he’d announce to the world that under those sleeves were painful scars she couldn’t even bear to show anyone? What the hell was going on inside her? He just wanted to understand where they stood for once!

He lowered his gaze back to his food. He’d already made a call yesterday for transportation. They’d be bringing him a rental within the hour. A Ford Escort. Maybe once they were alone he could finally get some answers to his questions, but in the meantime he just wanted to finish his breakfast in silence. He didn’t have the energy to do anything else… mentally or emotionally.

“I’m sure that won’t be necessary. Ben’s never been anything less than a gentleman.”

Han snickered. “That’s hard to believe… my kid?”

Leia huffed at her husband. “Well, I can believe it! He’s really a sweetheart underneath it all. He just doesn’t want anyone to know it!”

And now they were talking about him as if he wasn’t even here. Great, he loved this part. He immediately reached for his orange juice and took a large gulp. “Seems the secret is out. Gee, thanks mom,” he muttered.

Leia gave him _that look_ , the warning that told him she’d reveal far worse if he got smart with her. “She ought to know the truth, Ben. Rey will need all the help she can get.”

“Oh yeah?” he snorted. “Well, it seems so will I!” he grumbled and grabbed his plate. He hadn’t really finished, but he wasn’t feeling particularly hungry anymore. He didn’t miss Rey’s deep frown as he walked into the kitchen to clean his plate.

*******

This was awkward as fuck. After breakfast they’d made their way to the car parked out front. It was a nice rental, black and shining like new. They’d climbed inside in silence and he’d immediately pulled away from the house with a firm grip on the wheel. The tension was going to break him. He couldn’t take it. He felt like he might actually rip out the steering wheel if he didn’t find a way to break the quiet.

He’d only been driving for a few minutes, but the waiting was just pouring gasoline on the fire already burning in his chest. The uneasiness between them was even worse without his parents around. Somebody needed to speak, but Ben hadn’t a clue what to say. Rey was tugging at her sleeves and biting her lip, so filled with nervous energy it was making him jumpy. Driving in the city was more than enough to stress him out, and he really didn’t need this shit sending him over the edge. He pulled over when he saw a red light up ahead, parking the car in front of some random apartment complex.

That seemed to finally set her off. “I need to apologize to you, Ben!” Rey spoke, looking on the verge of a panic attack. “I know I reacted poorly! I just… I just couldn’t handle… it’s just you’re the first one to see my arms in a very long time! I wasn’t ready to talk about it!”

He wasn’t expecting _her_ to be the one to apologize, but once it was out there he couldn’t help himself. “You made me feel like a fucking bastard, Rey! I was trying to be… supportive!”

“I know! I know you were!”

“I’m not good at this shit! You know that! I can’t read your mind, or anticipate what the fuck will set you off! You just shut me out without a word! This is exactly the reason I held back! Every fucking fear I have was being realized as you slammed that damn door!” Rey was tugging even harder on her sleeve, eyes lowered if being scolded by a parent. He didn’t want to hurt her, but she had to know how she’d made him feel. He needed her to realize what shutting him out did to his sanity. “I… I thought I’d fucked everything up.”

“You haven’t!” Rey assured him, turning to face him, her eyes imploring him to understand. “I swear to you… nothing you said was wrong! I just… really couldn’t handle hearing it just then! It’s not easy for me to talk about what happened! It was too much, and I didn’t know what else to do! I… I didn’t want you to see me… to see me breakdown! I was angry! Not exactly at you, but at the situation!”

Ben sighed, brushing the hair from his eyes and turning away. He supposed he could understand that. It wasn’t like he was any better at dealing with his own emotions. There were some wounds too sensitive to be exposed without careful planning. Rey hadn’t planned on showing him those scars. He’d been the one pressuring her, wanting to see all of her, and paying very little attention to her response. “So what now?” he finally asked, dropping his hands back on the wheel.

Rey was silent for the longest time, and it only made his doubts spike. If they were already this much of a mess, what kind of future could they really have? Part of him wanted to bail, wanted to end this right now, but he wasn’t strong enough to say it. His desires were overriding his anxieties. There was nothing in the world he desired more than being right here with Rey.

“I think I should suck your cock.”

Ben choked, eyes blown wide, sure he’d heard her wrong. He slowly turned his head back to look at Rey, just barely managing to speak. “ _What?!_ ”

Rey looked strangely calm and determined. She met his gaze without the usual flush, no longer tugging on her sleeves or biting her lip… or any of that shit. She was so damn still. It was almost as unsettling as the words coming out of her mouth. “I want to suck your cock.”

“R-Rey, what the hell-” he could barely get the words out. He felt like he’d just gotten whiplash. “What the hell does _that_ solve?!”

Her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “Nothing… that was what the apology was for. Sucking your cock is just to ease the tension. I heard you arguing with your parents this morning, and I know it was because of me. I don’t want you stressed the rest of the day just because we had a stupid fight that never would have happened if I’d let myself be vulnerable with you!”

He couldn’t even comprehend her. How her mind worked was the biggest mystery of his life. They have a bad morning and suddenly she was offering to stuff his dick down her throat to calm his fucking nerves? “T-that’s… I… Rey, you aren’t sucking my cock right now! I don’t need you to suck my cock just to help me calm down!”

“That’s not what I meant! It’s something I actually want to do, Ben! When I think about it now, honestly, after how you reacted to seeing my scars…” Rey trailed off, her hand reaching out to cup him, and he could feel himself already getting hard. Damn her. “Ben, I really want to do this.”

It took everything he had to pull her hand away, but he was already noticing various people walking by the car… with their dogs, or heading to work… and it felt like they were all judging him. The fucking pervert with his girlfriend’s hand stroking his dick. “We’re in a fucking car!”

“Isn’t there a park we could go to?” Rey suggested.

This was the kind of insanity that really threw him for a loop. Rey looked so fucking serious, and Ben was starting to get light-headed. “What? So we can get arrested by some random cop? With my luck the car would get towed and my parents would have to bail us out! I’m sure they’d love to hear about how you were caught with my dick stuffed down your throat!”

Rey’s frown deepened at his words. She was actually trying to work this out. Solve a problem that didn’t need to be solved. He didn’t need his fucking dick sucked. “What about a hotel?”

“What about sight-seeing?!” He’d planned to take her around the city, get a bit of culture, and take some pictures… maybe even rent a paddle boat on the Tidal Basin, along the cherry blossoms. They wouldn’t be in bloom, but they were still beautiful this time of year.

“We have all bloody week, Ben. Besides, exactly how long do you think it takes to suck a man’s cock?”

“I wouldn’t know!” he squawked, even more disturbed with how this conversation was spiraling.

“Well, I assure you… not long! Last night I didn’t even have to touch you.”

“It’d been awhile!” he snapped, rolling his eyes at his own defensive response. “You want me to buy a hotel room just so you can suck my cock? Do you realize how insane that sounds?”

Rey shrugged. “What’s insane is the fact that you’re arguing with me about this. Most men would have already whipped the damn thing out right here and now.”

She certainly had him there, but he didn’t mind being a bit unusual. Rey deserved better than having her face shoved in his crotch while people walked by the damn car. He tilted his head to the side, holding her gaze, at a complete loss for words. Just a few seconds ago he’d been certain this whole thing between them was crashing and burning, and now he was contemplating places to take her so she could suck him off. His head was spinning, and he couldn’t keep up.

Maybe there was a better way? All it would take was a call. He didn’t really have friends, but his mother had connections everywhere, and some of them were special… even to him. Amilyn Holdo was a close and personal friend of Leia Organa’s, and he knew for a fact she was vacationing in Paris for the summer. She owned a beautiful home in Annapolis, Maryland… right on the bay. He used to house sit for her when he was a teen during summer break. She’d always been a bit unusual, like Lor… giving Ben more attention than his parents ever did.

She was quirky and witty, with different colored hair almost every time he saw her. She had a golden lab that she never took with her on vacations… named something weird… Gatalenta (Gata for short). He wasn’t sure why he remembered that. Amilyn had a small speed boat right on the bay. She’d gotten him a boat license and taught him to drive it when he was fifteen. She’d felt it was a good way to thank him for looking after her place. After each lesson she’d take Ben out for blue crabs and ask him about his writing. She’d gotten pretty busy soon after he turned sixteen, but he never forgot those years of attention. They’d always kept in touch.

All it would take is one call. He could take Rey out for those same blue crabs, show her Holdo’s boat, and take her for a ride. He wondered if Rey had ever been on a boat before. They could stay the night if they wanted. He was sure Amilyn wouldn’t mind. She’d probably urge him to spend the week there. She was just that kind of person. Rey would probably love her. They had a similar spirit, and they were both batshit crazy.

“Ben?”

He swallowed hard, leaning forward to kiss Rey’s forehead, anything to smooth out the wrinkles on her forehead so full of worry. His hand stroked her jaw, and she immediately leaned in to his touch. “Let me make a phone call….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that just happened... cause you know... everything is solved with oral sex. After watching The Last Jedi I no longer have any doubts about her thirst. Rey would totally wanna suck his cock after such a stressful morning. But feel free to disagree with me in the comments! lol


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am soooo sorry I've been taking so long to update! I've had friends visiting and it's so hard to find time to write! Honestly, the only reason I managed to finish this chapter is because I got sick and had to stay home while my girlfriend entertained our friends. I would be grateful for the break if I didn't feel like shit. lol

Amilyn Holdo’s house was massive for a woman living on her own. Four bedrooms and four full bathrooms. Built in the 40s and worth almost two million dollars. It overlooked the bay, and was painted blue the day after she bought it… he’d helped her with the painting. It sat right on Sands Avenue with the most perfect views he’d ever seen. The drive there had taken a couple hours, but it was well worth watching Rey’s jaw drop into her lap. It couldn’t have been a more perfect day.

Holdo had been dangerously close to squealing when he’d confessed he wanted to take a woman to see her beautiful home. She’d insisted he stay over there, make use of one of the guest rooms collecting dust, reminding him where the spare key was hiding. He’d almost dropped the phone when she muttered something about condoms in at least two of the bathrooms. She was almost as bad as his _mother_!

The next call had been to his parents to explain why he and Rey wouldn’t be coming back until the morning, and that he’d decided to show Rey a bit of Annapolis and save the museums for another day. He was pretty sure his father had been relieved, but Leia had been somewhat disappointed. She’d hoped to spend a little more time with Rey when they got back home from sight-seeing. Just another reason to be grateful for Holdo’s willingness to open up her home to him.

He’d practically dragged Rey out of the car when they arrived, taking her to the dock immediately, pointing out Amilyn’s speedboat and offering her a ride in it later if she was interested. He was worried her head would fly off with how hard she was nodding. Ben’s hand squeezed hers as he watched her take in the view. She looked absolutely mesmerized, rambling about the clear blue sky, and the way the water seemed to sparkle and glitter under the sun’s rays. “I’ve never seen so much blue in my whole life!”

When he took a step closer, just behind her, Rey whirled around. Her kiss took him by surprise, making him stumble a bit at her intensity. She pulled her hand from his grasp and wrapped her arms around him, deepening the kiss. He’d obviously done something right to get this kind of reaction. Rey was used to the dreary city of London, and he wondered how often she’d gotten out of the city to see something a bit more inspiring.

Their fucked up morning seemed all but forgotten and she whispered her thanks against his lips. The real hero was Holdo for being just as eager as Lor to get him laid, but he wasn’t about to tell her that. He was too busy reveling in Rey’s affection and excitement. Ben loved her mouth, the way it molded against his, her tongue giving him all sorts of ideas that went straight to his cock. He always felt so dizzy by the time she pulled away. They’d barely even done anything and he was already half-hard and desperate for more.

“It’s almost lunch if you’d like to go out. Maryland has the best fucking crabs… I swear to god it’s a religious experience.”

Rey laughed at that, beaming at him, her eyes shining with excitement and something else. “We’ll go for dinner. I was hoping we could explore the house! I’ve never seen anything quite this big before! You Americans never do anything in halves, do you?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Yes well, it’s a lot easier to get what you want when you have the space for it. England looks like a pathetic, little island compared to the United States… no offense, I’m strictly referring to the differences in size.”

She was staring up at him with her hands on her hips, and he soon realized the mistake he’d just made. The beaming smile was replaced with something more mischievous. “Oh? Do you often compare things smaller than yourself as pathetic?”

“Oh trust me, Rey… when it comes to _our_ size difference… it’s _me_ that’s the pathetic one.” He leaned down close, enjoying the way her eyes darkened with desire at his proximity. “Tiny girl… tiny tits… all it takes to make my knees go weak.”

He was leaning in for a kiss, but Rey pulled back. “Did you just refer to my tits as tiny?”

“Missing the point, Rey-”

“Honestly Ben, we’ve really _got_ to work on your lack of manners! _Perfect_ tits would have been acceptable. _Gorgeous_ breasts… that would definitely get you into my pants… but _tiny_? I know your parents raised you better than that.”

“They really didn’t.” He was only half-joking. They weren’t around long enough to teach him a fucking thing. That was Lor San Tekka’s job.

Rey huffed, wrapping her arms around his neck. He tried to kiss her again, but she kept pulling back. She exceled at driving him mad… making him want her. “Well, I won’t stand for it.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed at her teasing. He hated how she forced him to behave. It felt like she was training him… trying to turn him into suitable ‘boyfriend material.’ He wasn’t just going to roll over for a treat… even if his treats came in the form of orgasms. “It’s the fucking truth, Rey. They’re tiny. I’m trying to build trust with you. No more lying.” His hands slid down her waste to cup her ass, pulling her in closer. “I will say this… they are the most _perfect_ , tiny tits I’ve ever had the honor to behold.” He nipped playfully at her neck, and briefly considered dropping his face right into her chest, but thought better of it since there was still the potential of being seen by neighbors.

When he finally pulled back, he watched in amusement as she considered his words, nodding in approval. “Well done, Ben. You’re improving,” she purred just as he swooped down to steal kiss. “Take me to the house.”

*******

It was a bit of a walk from the pier to the house. Rey’s hand was intertwined with his as he pulled her along, occasionally glancing back to remind himself that this was happening. She was actually here with him. It didn’t even matter how long it would last. He’d savor every moment he had her. They were a fucking mess. A disaster waiting to happen. Ben was done pretending this wasn’t worth it, though… no matter how much it would kill him when shit hit the fan.

Ben had already retrieved Holdo’s house key, hidden under some decorative rocks (more like boulders) at the edge of the property. When they reached the door Rey’s arms slipped around his stomach, nuzzling at his back. She’d always been so demonstrative, even before they’d chosen to act on their attraction to each other. Rey almost seemed starved for contact, and perhaps at one time she was. That thought made his chest tighten uncomfortably. 

He knew what it was like… to crave love and affection. He’d never really gotten that from his parents… they’d never had the time for it. Goodbyes were often rushed, and it was usually a maid tucking him into bed. He couldn’t even count how many times he’d watched other fathers with their sons, wondering why Han Solo couldn’t be more like them. _‘Jeez kid, doesn’t your mother hug you enough? Go on… make it quick.’_

Rey’s hands were roving over his chest and abs in appreciation. He’d always tried to keep a regular exercise regimen, puberty had blessed him with a solid frame, and his muscles were unusually thick. Writing was done on his ass for several hours at a time, so keeping active was especially important to him. Not to mention activity did help when he fell into his more tumultuous moods.

The door swung open, and he walked awkwardly inside, with Rey still clinging to him. “I thought you wanted to see the house, get off me,” he grumbled, though the softness in his voice took away the bite.

Her hands were already drifting lower, her thumb catching on the edge of his jeans, while the rest of her hand moved dangerously close to his crotch. He felt her sigh behind him, forehead resting on the middle of his back. “I just wanted to get you inside so I could touch you properly,” she confessed.

He should have known. Only hours before she’d been practically begging to suck his cock, would have done it in the fucking street if he hadn’t resisted her. Ben’s hips rocked against Rey’s hand as she finally cupped him through his jeans. It was instinct more than anything, but her actions still gave him pause. 

They’d had a shitty morning, and there was still a subtle tension between them from things being left unsaid. He felt like an idiot for getting so upset. His parents had a fucking asshole for a son, and he knew he’d eventually have to apologize to his mother for scaring her. Rey felt responsible for his temper, but he didn’t want her taking that on. It wasn’t fair to her. He was a fucking adult, and he needed to learn to control himself before he took things too far. He couldn’t help thinking of Finn, how he’d come so close assaulting the man… the closest thing he had to a friend. That wasn’t the kind of person he wanted to be.

The truth was he scared himself sometimes. Losing control felt good, but the results of this weakness always beat at his conscious. Lor used to tell him there was a difference between being a bastard and a monster. Kylo Ren was the monster, but not Ben. He had to be better than that. He had to show Rey he could be better than that.

Ben gripped her wrists gently and pulled them off of him, stepping away from her embrace. He didn’t want it to seem like he was rejecting her, so he quickly turned around and kissed her forehead. “Follow me,” he spoke, his voice commanding but low. Rey looked intrigued as he pulled her along.

The downstairs had a large kitchen, dining room, living room, and a game room with a beautiful pool table and bar. Large windows made the already giant home seem enormous, showcasing beautiful views in every corner of the house. Upstairs were where all four of the bedrooms were located. When he was a young boy, his family would often come to stay with Holdo for a weekend. He picked the guest room he was most familiar with.

The room was large enough for a queen sized canopy bed. The fabric flowing down around the bed was tied to mahogany wood posts, and the blankets were Egyptian cotton. Amilyn had expensive tastes… and it showed in every room of the house. Ben opened the blinds to let in some light, lips curling as he looked out onto the deck where two chairs and a table sat out to overlook the water. Perhaps they’d go out later in the day to watch the sunset. As a boy he used to gather up all the blankets and sleep outside. When he’d wake up in the morning, he was always tucked in bed, with no clue who had brought him in.

“Take off your clothes.” When Ben turned around, he could see Rey’s hesitation. She’d planned on sucking his cock, and he was asking for something more. She was standing in the middle of the guest room, tugging on her sleeves nervously. “I’ve already seen your arms, Rey.”

He hoped the reminder of this morning wouldn’t spoil the mood. Ben knew how terrifying it was to be exposed and naked in front of another person for the first time. To be so vulnerable, allowing another’s eyes to take in every flaw, waiting for them to accept or reject. He closed the distance between them, reaching for the hems of her shirt. He held her gaze, deadly serious, pulling it up slowly in case she decided it was too much. Rey seemed to be entranced by his gaze. She did nothing to stop him.

His eyes didn’t drift when he dropped the shirt on the floor at their feet. Ben didn’t look at her arms, or stand back to admire those lovely little tits he’d praised earlier. All he saw was her pupils… dilating, eyes widening… the catch of her breath as he went for her pants next. He unhooked them and shoved them down as far as he could, taking her panties with the jeans. They were bunched up at the knees. He’d have to break eye contact to remove them completely.

Instead, he decided on unhooking the bra. Ben had always found it amusing when he heard stories about men struggling with this part. They were fucking hooks. Why the hell was it so difficult? He wrapped his arms around her and searched for the metal, lifting up the hooks and then pulling down the straps. Her bra dropped to the floor between them.

Ben swallowed thickly before finally breaking eye contact. He got to his knees, lifting Rey’s legs one at a time to fully remove her jeans, panties, shoes, and socks. His hands slid along her hips, her thighs, behind her knees, and finally her calves. She had great legs… smooth, but he could feel the slight prickle of hair growing out on her legs.

On his knees he had a great view of her flattened stomach and the small amount of curls nestled between her legs. He licked his lips at the thought of tasting her, watching her writhe and moan under his tongue. Ben leaned in to kiss her hip on the left side, so eager to show her affection, reward her bravery with wordless thanks. He quickly stood back up again, eyes roving over her face. She was biting her lip, looking so adorably nervous and confused. She was waiting to see what he’d do next.

He picked her up like a bride, and smirked as she yelped in surprise, depositing her on the bed before kicking off his shoes and joining her. “Doesn’t quite seem fair… you’re still wearing your clothes.”

With a shrug he straddled her legs, staring down at her with what he was sure was an uncomfortable amount of intensity. He’d often been told he was intimidating. Something about his eyes… how they burned holes into people, too full of emotions others found overwhelming. Maybe that’s why it was so fucking hard for him to stay in control. “Rey… what do you see when you look at my face?”

Rey frowned, eyes narrowing suspiciously. “I dunno… it’s just a face… handsome. I like your lips… and your eyes.”

Ben’s finger traced the scar she’d given him. It felt like ages ago now since that damn door knocked him unconscious. “And this?”

He watched her blush from head to toe. “I still feel so guilty about that!”

“You shouldn’t,” Ben assured her. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this… but sometimes after a shower I just stare at it. I think about you… about our conversation just before… listening to me ramble on about my grandfather.” His lips curled for a moment, his face flushed with embarrassment. “This scar over my eye is yours. It tells the story of us in a way. We’re a disaster… you and I. Since the moment I meant you… an absolute disaster.”

“How romantic,” Rey muttered, sarcastically. He noticed her hands gripping at the blanket underneath her… idle fingers revealing the state of her mind. “You truly have a way with words.” 

“How else would you describe us, Rey? You fucking locked us on a roof… in the rain. You slammed a door in my face and I had to go to the hospital. I’ve spent nearly a month and a half having panic attacks whenever you touched me because I was afraid of pursuing this. What are we, Rey, if not a disaster?”

“You make it sound like we’re doomed to fail,” Rey protested.

“Maybe we are.”

“If this is your idea of foreplay… it’s no wonder you haven’t had many relationships.” Rey was starting to look agitated. She was lying naked beneath him while he basically trashed their blossoming relationship… it wasn’t quite what he’d planned either. He was fucking this up so bad.

Ben’s head dipped forward. His hair falling into his eyes. “I’m trying to be honest.”

“I think we could make it work!” Rey contended, stubbornly. “Your parents may have separated, but they loved each other enough to hold on. Now look at them! Don’t you find that inspiring at all?”

He took a moment to pull off his shirt, throwing it off somewhere behind him. He had a couple more scars on his chest, each with a different story he’d tell Rey one day… if she asked. “What I find inspiring is you, Rey. I find your perspective incredibly inspiring. Your beautiful body sure as hell is inspiring. Your past inspires me in ways I never could have anticipated. _You_ manage to inspire me every day.” He unhooked his belt neck, enjoying the way her eyes dropped down to watch him. He took his time unzipping his jeans, tugging his pants down slowly to give her a show.

She followed his happy trail of hair from his abdomen to his crotch as more and more was revealed. Ben shoved down his clothes the rest of the way, leaning on his hands as he kicked them off. It probably wasn’t the sexiest move he’d made, but Rey didn’t seem to mind. She was staring at his cock in anticipation. It was only half hard, but his size was impressive enough.

He was pleased to see her distracted, especially considering what he had left to say. “No matter what happens… this scar is a part of me now. You’re with me every day when I look in the mirror. Even if one day I fuck it up and you realize I’m not worth it… and the memories are more painful than I can imagine… I’ll still have you with me. I’m grateful for that. If there’s ever a day that I can’t have you… I’m grateful for the scar you left behind.”

Rey’s eyes shot back to his. Her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. He was trying so hard to make a point, but he knew he was doing a pitiful job. This wasn’t at all his idea of foreplay. This was Ben Solo trying to bare his soul. This wasn’t about sex. It was about intimacy. Despite all his fears and anxieties, he wanted to share this with her… something he’d never given to anyone else. How could he make her understand? Ben just wanted her to trust him the way he was trusting her.

He took a deep breath and dropped his gaze to look at her arms. There was a beauty in the melted skin… the organic patterns on her forearms that could be traced with his fingers. His hands itched to feel its smoothness… the curves in this design. To read her experience like braille for the blind. Ben leaned down, lifting her arm, kissing the scar on her right arm with all the gentleness he possessed. His eyes shut tight for a moment, listening to her breathing change as she felt his lips.

When he opened his eyes and pulled away there were tears in her eyes. He wondered if anyone had ever done that before… probably not. “What are you doing, Ben?”

Ben reached for her left arm, bending it, eyes open this time as he kissed the scaring on this arm as well. He continued to hold her gaze as he moved forward, hovering over her. He fucking loved this woman, and there was no way he had the guts to admit that out loud… not to her anyway. He could show her, he fucking hoped she knew, but that was all he was capable of. 

“When you look at these scars I don’t want you to think about what you lost. I want you to think about how they’ve shaped your life. I want you to see everything I see. Your strength. Your resilience. The way you hold onto hope, when so many people have given up. I may think you live in a fantasy world, Rey… but every time you take me there I find it more and more difficult to leave. I don’t really like the world I live in anyway.”

A single tear stained her cheek as Rey pushed up just enough to capture his lips in a kiss. It was soft. Not a kiss of passion or sexual pleasure. The kind of thing shared by a couple who’d gotten past that ‘honeymoon’ period. Maybe that meant she finally understood. He hoped she did. Ben deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue inside to taste her. His hands cupped her face, thumb sliding along her cheeks. She moaned and pulled away, lips curled in a smile. “I think… I want to suck your cock now more than ever.”

Ben laughed… of all the fucking things she could say. This was exactly why she drove him insane. “Maybe I’m better at foreplay than you thought.” He gasped as she reached for him, gripping his dick, gently stroking him. He was getting hard in her hands, blood rushing south so fast he felt light-headed. “Fuck, Rey….”

Rey moved her lips to his ear, and his eyes fluttering closed as he heard her voice… so fucking quiet, but rough. “I want you to come in my mouth. I’ll swallow every single drop. I never swallow.”

She was going to kill him talking like that… fuck! Ben pressed her back down into the bed. She continued to stroke him even as she moved over to give him room. He pushed her hand away finally, sitting up in the bed with his back against the headboard. Rey rolled over to her side and kissed his left thigh, his hip, drifting closer and closer to his cock. He could deny her nothing. Not now. She kissed the base of his penis, fondling his balls, her tongue dragging against his skin. He resisted the urge to close his eyes. He needed to see her. Her touch sent ripples of pleasure up his spine. 

Rey’s mouth slowly made its way up his dick, towards the purple head, his stomach tightened when he felt her finger slip under his balls towards the crack of his ass. _Fuck_. He almost choked as her lips wrapped around the head of his cock, sucking hard almost immediately, and he bucked up into her mouth. She didn’t seem to mind. This felt too good, too perfect. Rey’s lips were tucked around her teeth as she took more of him in her mouth. She removed her hand from his balls collecting some spittle leaking around the corner of her mouth. Seconds later he felt the soaked finger return underneath him, teasing the entrance of his anus open.

Ben had never allowed anyone near his ass before, but he’d let Rey do whatever the fuck she liked. His hands shoved the pillows off the bed, searching for something to hold onto, resisting the urge to touch her, to urge her down more. He watched in amazement as more of his cock disappear in her mouth, briefly feeling the tip press against the back of her throat. He wasn’t going to last long, but this felt like torture. She was going so slowly, and he just wanted to thrust up. His thighs were practically shaking. “Rey… please,” he begged, dizzy with need. Her mouth felt so good on him.

Immediately, she pulled back. Tongue sliding along the large vein and curling around the head of his cock, along the ridge. He felt the tip of her tongue lap at the pre-cum leaking out, and then moan as she swallowed him back down again. The vibrations of her moan were almost too much. His head dropped back against the headboard, a little hard, but he didn’t even wince… barely felt it. Her finger was slowly fucking its way inside him, the dual sensation driving him wild. She was bobbing up and down on his cock, swallowing him down so eagerly, the head of his cock hitting the back of her throat till she gagged.

“You’re so fucking good at this,” he grunted, barely managing to breathe properly. He was going to come. He couldn’t hold on. It’d been too damn long since anyone did this, and certainly not with Rey’s level of skill. “R-Rey… I’m gonna-”

Rey pulled back instantly and sucked hard, her finger pressing deeper inside him. Ben cried out as he came in large spurts down her throat, holding her in place as he emptied himself inside her. She swallowed it down just as she’d promised, humming around him, and making Ben shudder as she coaxed even more of his come. He felt like he’d gone blind for a moment. His ears ringing, chest pounding, panting heavily in the wake of such an intense orgasm. His cock was softening, but Rey just kept sucking and licking at him until he finally had to pull her off.

It took him a moment to process what’d just happened. Rey was busy licking her lips, lying back on the bed, with her head tilted against his hip. Ben kept his eyes forward, eyes wide, wondering how the hell he’d met someone so perfect. He was almost terrified to speak for fear he might actually propose marriage. “Well shit,” yeah… that was about the best he could do.

Rey shook violently against him, giggling like mad. This time when he saw tears in her eyes, he knew it was from amusement. “You really do have a way with words, Ben. It’s no wonder you’ve become a successful writer.”

Ben growled, sliding down the bed, and moving over her… trapping her beneath him. “This tongue is more skilled than you realize, care for a demonstration?”

Her laughter faded away almost immediately, and he smirked as she stared up at him looking so damn wanton. “I’d love one….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I suppose you can guess what's coming next... but you should totally comment just in case. I'm rarely this nice to Ben Solo. XD


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! Slight mention of drug use/addiction!

Eating pussy had never been one of Ben Solo’s favorite activities. He couldn’t even fucking shake hands with strangers, so one could only imagine how he felt about having a woman’s cum all over his face. Fluids dripping down his neck and making him yearn for scalding showers that would cleanse his skin. Nothing seemed strong enough to remove the taste from his mouth, not even Listerine did the trick. Too many times he’d almost been suffocated by a woman’s legs, or gotten his nose smacked when she’d inevitably thrusts her hips into his face. It was fucking annoying. He’d done it on occasion, especially if a woman had been generous enough to give him a blowjob, but he’d never been excited about it. It didn’t turn him on all that much.

Imagine his surprise when he’d realized tasting Rey was like eating pussy for the very first time. Suddenly, all the things he detested about the activity became everything he loved. Watching Rey slowly lose control was the most arousing thing he’d ever witnessed. The taste of her wetness was sweet and just… perfect. He couldn’t get enough. He thoroughly enjoyed the feeling of it dripping down his neck and covering the bottom half of his face. It felt like a reward… making her fucking squirt for him.

She was everywhere. Her scent was overpowering, her juices were flowing freely as he lapped at her, her body was thrusting and squirming against his face, and he was seconds away from being murdered between her thighs as they squeezed at his head before dropping back down to the bed. He was a mess and he loved it. He wanted his tongue deeper inside her. He wanted to lick and suck at every inch of her cunt. Make her shout his name and beg for more.

Ben was half-hard and bringing her to yet another glorious orgasm (he’d already made her cum twice), and Rey was pleading him for mercy. He could fucking do this all day. His jaw would be sore, but it’d be so worth it. With a hard suck on her clit, his fingers finally slipped inside her tight, little entrance. He loved how she gripped his large digits, throbbing around them as he fucked her unrelentingly. He couldn’t recall ever being this desperate to watch someone else unravel.

“B-Ben… oh… too much! I can’t… Ben!”

She couldn’t even speak coherently. This was fantastic. He’d have to remember this when she inevitable pissed him off, and he wanted to shut her up. Eat the pussy and watch her communication skills drop to the same level as the cavemen and women in history books. Hell, this might even extend their relationship a couple years. He’d do just about anything for more time with Rey.

She was just so fucking delicious. His tongue swirling around her clit as he added more fingers and fucked into her hard. _That’s right… take it all! Lose control!_ He’d never felt so powerful! He was going dizzy. Moaning against her sweet pussy just to feel her twitch. She couldn’t keep still. Her hands clutching at the bed or tugging at his hair. It was as if her body was suffering from electric shocks, the way her muscles jerked and tensed against him. 

Ben’s fingers curled to hit that textured place inside her, and he almost laughed as she screamed. She was so fucking close. So wild and out of control. He needed to feel her to come around his fingers. Just one last orgasm that would establish his place as owner of this pussy. No one else would be allowed near it again.

“Oh my g… _Ben_!” Rey cried out, thrusting her hips against his face. Her internal walls squeezed and pulsated around his fingers, and he eagerly drank the cum staining his face. Her back finally settled on the bed once more as he continued to clean her thoroughly with his tongue. Maybe he could make her come once more. He wasn’t ready to stop.

“What the hell is going on here?!”

Ben’s head shot up immediately as Rey shouted for an entirely different reason. She was scrambling to remove his fingers from her cunt as she rolled the sheets over her naked body, almost shoving him off the bed in the process. There standing at the entrance of the guest bedroom was none other than Luke _fucking_ Skywalker, looking thoroughly pissed. “Luke?!”

“Ben?!”

Shit! He was naked! Rey had managed cover, but he was left out in the cold. She looked utterly mortified as he dropped down to his stomach over the edge of the bed, and reached for one of the pillows on the floor. He pressed it against his junk as he sat back on the bed, resting on his knees. “What the fuck are you doing here?!”

“I could ask you the same damn question! Holdo asked me to check in on the place while she’s in Paris!”

Ben flushed, his rage at being interrupting rising and rising to dangerous levels. “I literally just called her and asked if we could stay here!”

“Does she know your plans involved sullying her sheets?!”

“SHE PRACTICALLY DREW ME A MAP TO THE LOCATION OF HER CONDOM STASH!” Ben bellowed, now dizzy for different and less pleasant reasons. “Now get the fuck out of here!”

Luke’s hands flew in the air as he huffed and left the room. “I’m making myself some god damn tea!” he announced before slamming the door, a few picture frames shaking from the impact.

Ben’s eyes narrowed, burning holes in the place where his uncle had stood. “Fuck! You gotta be FUCKING kidding me! FUCK!” He slid off the bed and grabbed his jeans off the floor, not bothering to look for his boxers in the mess of clothes nearby the bed. “OF COURSE THIS WOULD HAPPEN! OF COURSE! Why didn’t I listen to you?! Hotels are fucking perfect for sex! They were _made_ for uninterrupted fucking! Every GOD DAMN plan I come up with is always SHOT TO HELL!”

“Ben?”

He’d mostly been shouting at himself, but the sound of Rey’s hesitant voice pulled him from his ranting. Ben stilled just as his pants clipped together, lifting his head to take in her face. She was so fucking pale, embarrassed and horrified at being caught in such a compromising position. “Shit….”

“Who was that?” she asked, still hiding under the covers. Rey looked seconds away from a panic attack.

_Shit_! “My Uncle Luke,” he answered in the softest voice he could muster. “He’s mostly harmless… a bit of a smartass, but that sort of runs in the family. I’m gonna go sort this out. Are you okay?”

Rey nodded, putting on a brave face, swallowing thickly. He’d have asked her to get dressed and come down with him, but she looked so fucking humiliated. He didn’t really know what to do to make her feel better. It hadn’t occurred to him to lock a door in an empty house. 

“I’m so sorry, Rey.” Ben walked over to the side of the bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead, hands cupping her cheeks gently. It was only then that he realized her cum was still on his lips, smeared on her skin now too. This day was just _not_ going his way….

*******

Once when Ben was fifteen years old he’d spent a weekend at his uncle’s house while his parents were both out of town. His Uncle has always been a bit peculiar. The kind of guy who talked about astral planes and the never-ending damage to ‘Mother Earth.’ He was a spiritual man in the same way people like George Harrison were spiritual, often going on sabbaticals to cleanse his aura or some shit. In his twenties he’d once spent a year on a commune sharing in the joys of peace, sex, and every drug he could get his hands on. Ben saw the man almost as often as he’d seen his father, but at least Luke was semi-entertaining.

Unfortunately, shit hit the fan during that weekend at his Uncle’s. Young Ben Solo had woken up in the middle of the night to find his Uncle standing over him half naked, high as a fucking kite, and shouting something about a dark presence entering Ben’s body. It’d scared the shit out of him to see his Uncle so out of his mind, suffering the effects of a bad trip on LSD. Ben didn’t step foot into Luke’s apartment again until he was in his mid-twenties, and by then his Uncle had already stopped taking that shit for several years.

Skywalker hadn’t, however, completely given up the ideals of the hippie generation. Luke’s hair was grown out long, sporting a raggedy beard, and smelling faintly of marijuana. His shirt was brown and faded, with a bleach stain just at the bottom, and the words ‘make love not war’ printed in a pale yellow across his chest. He had a necklace made of black leather with a yin and yang symbol pendant, and a hand-made bracelet with the rainbow colors to promote his gay pride. Ben could only sigh, as he stared across the table at the older man that had always both terrified and amused him… depending on what kind of day Luke was having.

They’d both managed to calm down after receiving the shock of their lives, and Ben figured from Luke’s perspective… what he’d witnessed had been pretty heart attack inducing. Holdo must have forgotten to let him know Ben would be at the house. Either that or Luke was back to shunning technology again… in an effort to reconnect with nature. It was all just a misunderstanding, and it was frustrating as hell to be this angry, and have no one in his presence that he could actually shout at over it.

Luke was sitting at the kitchen table drinking down a cup of tea that Ben was sure had gotten a healthy dose of alcohol added to help calm his Uncle’s nerves. “So you got a girlfriend now? Or is this just a casual thing?”

“Honestly? I don’t know what I would call her. We haven’t really discussed it.” Girlfriend didn’t really convey what he felt when he was with her. The English language was failing him big time.

“Too busy with your head between her legs?” Ben’s eyes narrowed to glare at his Uncle, but the man was already raising his hands in defense. “Not that it’s any of my business!”

Luke Skywalker was probably the only person in Ben’s life that knew when to back off. He wasn’t the type to meddle or push. He believed in letting people find their own path, even if it led somewhere dark. Sometimes it was hard to believe this man was Leia Organa’s twin brother. They were polar opposites in so many ways. Luke’s life may have been a lonely one, but at least he was free to live as he pleased without the pressures of being a public figure.

He was certainly a legend in the history books. Skywalker’s fight for gay rights throughout his life had won him respect from activists and politicians. He’d befriended people like Harvey Milk in the seventies, even going so far as to help with the campaign. He’d played the tambourine in a video with John Lennon, not long after the Beatles broke up, and was invited to the funeral a decade later when John died. Only Ben and the immediate family knew about his struggles with drug addiction, but fuck... it was the seventies and literally everyone was doing something. Luke just took a little longer to give his shit up.

“Think she’ll come down anytime soon to have a cup of tea with us?” The hopeful look in Luke’s eyes made Ben’s chest tighten. He’d hoped to introduce Rey to Luke eventually… her and Finn. Luke could be a bit of an old grump (but he pulled it off beautifully), and he’d been certain they would have loved him. Now his plans were utterly ruined, and he wondered if Rey would ever be able to look his Uncle in the eye without cringing.

“Unlikely considering the eyeful you got barging in on us like that.”

“I heard screaming from a house that was supposed to be empty.”

“Screaming in _pleasure_.”

Luke rolled his eyes. “Well, excuse me for being ignorant of such things... I’m not in the habit of making women scream like that... in case you’ve forgotten.”

“Who could forget? You went to mother’s last Halloween party dressed as a fucking dildo....”

“I was a pickle, damn it! A pickle!” Luke groused.

Ben chuckled, shaking his head. “Mother literally asked you why you were dressed like a dick.”

He noticed his Uncle’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion for a minute. “I thought she was saying _dill_.”

Ben’s body shook, just barely managing to keep from laughing his ass off. Luke was like no one else in his family. A true black sheep. His parents fucking adored him, but it was the weirdest relationship he’d ever seen. This was a man who’d endured hell for the sake of living life on his terms. He’d been brutalized and beaten by police, spat on when he walked down the street holding another man’s hand, but still managed to look like one hell of a badass. He didn’t worry about what people thought of him, and for some reason Leia Organa wasn’t ashamed of anything her brother did or said.

“So Holdo had you looking over the place?” Amilyn was also a bit of a black sheep. She’d been more interested in the punk rock movement during those early days when they’d all been together. The piercings may have disappeared, but the lilac hair dye never did. They’d all been a group of rebels back then… trying to make some impact on their world, Ben supposed. They’d each made a difference they could be proud of, whether it was women’s rights or just promoting acceptance regardless of who a person found love with. It was far too much to live up to… so Ben Solo had elected not to try.

“She’s gone for the summer. I offered to check in on the house at least once a week.”

“I didn’t even know you were back in the States,” Ben admitted. Last he’d heard, Luke had all but disappeared without a trace. It wouldn’t be the first time he’d done that.

“I was in South America… in the Andes Mountains. Spent some time traveling through Ecuador not that far from Vilcabamba and Loja. Then I passed over into Peru. Did you know that not far from Cusco, there’s a place where they have these rainbow mountains? So many different colors! It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Absolutely stunning on a clear day. Took days to hike there, but it was so worth the view.”

His Uncle did a lot of travelling, and he had plenty of money to do it. Ben suspected it was a way to distract himself from the fact that he was on his own. He’d almost had something special once. He’d been madly in love with some guy name Wedge Antilles, but back then it was a nightmare to be out… and Wedge had never been willing to take that risk. Apparently, the love of Luke’s life had gone off and married a widow. She’d had a son who absolutely adored Antilles, and it was a lot easier than facing the shitstorm that would come for him if he embraced his homosexuality.

“I should go.”

Ben nodded. “I do want you to meet her… Rey, I mean.”

Luke quirked an eyebrow. “You put her in one of your books yet?”

Ben had been writing about almost everyone he knew; drawing so many parallels between himself and Kylo Ren that it was hard to separate the truth from the fantasy sometimes. In his books Kylo Ren’s Uncle was one of his greatest enemies, the very man that’d pushed him over the edge, turning him into the villain he’d never wanted to be. In his shame, he’d gone into hiding, avoiding the prospect of facing his nephew… and his failings. The story had been inspired by that night when Ben was kid, and the rehab centers Luke had tried soon after in a desperate attempt to gain back control over his life.

In reality… Ben respected Luke in a way that surprised even him. Maybe it was because they weren’t so different… both a bit too fucked up to ever live a normal life… both struggling with weaknesses that made them feel like monsters. “Yeah, Rey’s in my latest novel. It isn’t finished yet.”

Luke smiled knowingly, taking a long sip of his tea. “Is she Kylo’s girlfriend?”

Solo flushed. “Currently? More like enemies.”

“Hmmm,” Skywalker nodded. “She must be pretty special then….”

*******

By the time Luke had gone, Rey was back to her old self, insisting that she was fine ‘ _I’m sure we’ll all be laughing about it soon enough!_ ’ He could tell the whole situation had shaken her up, but Rey was really good at compartmentalizing this kind of shit. Nothing ever seemed to touch her, and if it did… no one ever saw. Ben was different though. He’d been watching her closely under the guise of conducting research for his story. So much time spent studying her quirks and moods, discovering the cracks in her armor. Fascinated by how her background had shaped such a woman.

He’d taken her into the shower with him, making some pathetic joke about water conservation, and washed them both thoroughly. It took everything he had to ignore the blood flowing straight towards his cock. It was supposed to be about comfort more than sex. He wanted her to feel safe and cared for. To know that he was there. That she could trust him. Ben knew what it was like to keep everything inside. He’d been bursting at the seams all his life from all the shit he held onto.

They dressed quickly and made their way back towards the docks. He’d promised her a short ride on the bay in Holdo’s speedboat, and he knew it’d be the perfect way to distract her from the disastrous day they seemed to be having. They didn’t venture out too far, mostly focused on teaching her the basics, and letting her learn the controls. They built these types of boats with novices in mind. He’d taken his place behind her while she steered, reminding her of which way to turn the wheel when she wanted to change direction. She was definitely a natural.

With the wind whipping through their hair, and the sun burning their skin, he could visibly see Rey start to relax. Her eyes shined with mischief every time he pestered her about making sharp turns. She seemed determined to throw him off the damn boat. Her smiles were extra wide, flashing beautiful white teeth (and once again he found himself wondering if it was genetics or the work of a really brilliant dentist). She giggled when he’d nip at her neck, and rock his hips into her ass, questioning his qualifications as a teacher. Even he had to admit it’d been awhile, and he was finding Rey far too distracting.

After that little excursion they’d both worked up quite a hunger. Ben decided on delivery instead of taking her out for crabs. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with other human beings, and Rey seemed content to remain at the house. They sat on the dock eating crab cakes and watching the sun go down, his foot dangling dangerously close to the bay’s surface, skimming the top if he pointed his toe. His other leg was folded and tucked under the left leg. He was facing Rey who sat with both legs crossed.

“I read the story on Kylo Ren’s Uncle,” she admitted, chewing on her bottom lip.

Ben took a sip of his beer before speaking. “And?”

“He’s the reason Kylo Ren spiraled! He caused all the pain and abuse Kylo endured under Snoke.”

“Not everything has to parallel my life completely, Rey. Luke’s about the only tolerable thing in my family.”

Rey’s eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. “Why? What makes him so different?”

Ben watched her snatch one of his fries despite the fact that she had plenty of her own. He knew she only did it to exasperate him. He hated people stealing food from his plate. Rey was always eager to press his buttons. Determined to find out his limits, learn how far she could push. See what she could get away with… which turned out to be a heck of a lot. “Remember that story I told you? About my grandfather?” Rey nodded. “Who do you think I got it from?”

“I thought you’d mostly just read your grandfather’s journals.” It was getting a bit chilly, and he watched Rey pull the small knitted blanket tighter around her body. She went for another fry, from her own plate this time, and took a sip of her lemonade.

“Uncle Luke was the first person to talk to me about my Grandfather. He’d been right there beside him till the end. Cancer does horrible things to the body. I don’t think Luke ever got over what his father endured in hospice care. He underwent such a shitty life compared to my mother. He didn’t have much growing up, and his Aunt and Uncle weren’t very accepting of his sexuality. He was on his own by the time he was seventeen. Luke would hitchhike for a while and find work where ever he went. He made friends easy, so there was always someone to give him a place to sleep for the night. Leia was the only one who seemed to give a shit about him. I know he self-medicates to deal with the things he doesn’t like to talk about.”

Rey tilted her head to the side, thoughtful. “You admire him?”

“I understand him… there’s a difference,” he corrected, though perhaps in some ways he did admire the old coot. “I get what it’s like to be misunderstood by everyone around you. To realize not even your fucking flesh and blood will ever be what you need them to be.”

Ben watched as she shrugged, her eyes suspiciously red, as she distracted herself with closing the styrofoam box of food. She stuffed it back in the plastic bag with a giant happy face on the side, then finished off her lemonade and shoved that inside too. “It isn’t easy trying to navigate this world alone, I suppose.”

“You’re not alone,” he said softly, hoping she could believe that.

Her eyes snapped up to his. “Neither are you.”

It seemed such a profound thing. To know the woman sitting in front of him might actually be right. He didn’t want to believe it, couldn’t allow himself that luxury, but there was a part of him that wanted to trust her. There was a part of him that hoped all this was going somewhere. He pushed aside his food, scooting close to her on the dock so he might lean in for a kiss. It was tender and innocent, nothing like what he’d shared with women from his past. Everything felt so new with Rey… so much more significant.

When he pulled back he was smiling, fairly certain there’d be a moment just like this in his book. He wanted to immortalize it forever. He wouldn’t change a thing. Rey couldn’t comprehend what she meant to him. How could she? He’d never really said. Even if he told her he loved her right now, it wouldn’t be enough to convey the depth of his feelings. His grandfather’s story made so much sense to him now. How could anyone hold onto sanity after losing something so precious? Nothing could ever be the same again.

Ben Solo had never felt so completely helpless in all his life….

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, my version of Luke is a heroic fuck up... it just seemed right after The Last Jedi. I'm curious about what you guys think of him! Comments are life!


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you were wondering what Finn has been up to... welp, not much as it turns out! Haha!

**“His dog just ran over to me! What was I supposed to do?!”**

Ben snickered. “Not scream like an infant would be my guess….”

**“Bee Bee is intimidating! He was off leash and it snapped at me!”**

“Finn, it’s a fucking ankle-biter… get a backbone!”

**“You weren’t there, Ben!”**

Ben rolled his eyes, holding his shoulder up against the cell phone so he could bend down and tie his shoes. Rey was still fast asleep and taking over the bed. His lips curled with affection as he heard her gentle snoring. “I wouldn’t be too pissed at the mutt. At least you finally got the opportunity to talk to this Dameron guy.”

**“At what cost, though?! I looked like an idiot!”**

“Better he find out now than later.”

**“Man… fuck you… have you and Rey even had sex yet?”**

Ben let out the longest sigh. Why did every conversation always come back to that question? Everyone was so fucking concerned about his love life. That was the last thing he felt like discussing, and certainly not with his family or Finn. After dinner last night they’d put away the leftovers and retired to the guest bedroom. They’d fooled around a little, but were too tired for much else. Ben wasn’t exactly eager to rush things. He wanted this relationship… whatever it was… to evolve organically.

Ben got up off the bed and left the guest room, turning the corner and trudging down the steps only to pause when he heard movement downstairs. “I’m gonna have to call you back, Finn.”

**“Oh don’t you dare! Just answer the damn questio-”**

Ben hung up the phone and shoved it in his jeans pocket. The next few steps were careful and quiet as he reached the landing and looked around. His body was tense and on full alert. Loud noises were coming from the kitchen, cabinets swinging open and being slammed shut. He wished he had a bat or something. If someone really had broken into the house he’d feel better having a weapon of some kind. Then again, if they had a gun… a bat sure as hell wasn’t gonna save him.

Solo crept through the house into the sitting room and began searching for something he might be able to use in a fight. The room didn’t have much. A couch and a few chairs, with a glass coffee table and a model ship with cloth sails perched on a wooden stand. Eventually, he noticed a wooden stool by the window, not his first choice, but it’d have to do. Ben kept one eye on the kitchen door as he grabbed the stool, testing its weight in his hands. It was surprisingly light. 

He could hear the sound of a man humming in the kitchen as he drew closer. Who the hell was this asshole? He obviously wasn’t a professional. Even so, his heart was pounding. His hands felt clammy. Rey was resting peacefully just upstairs, and he couldn’t help worrying about her safety. Suddenly, the kitchen door swung open, just barely missing him. Ben shouted, startled, and prepared to slam the stool against the intruder… until he realized he wasn’t the only one screaming. _Oh…._

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE UNCLE LUKE! You scared the shit out of me!”

Luke was clutching at his chest, wheezing as he watched Ben lower the stool, setting it down by one of the lounge chairs. “Yeah well, the feeling’s mutual! What the hell were you gonna do with a stool, Ben?!”

It was far too early for this bullshit! Ben folded his arms and glared at his Uncle. “Provide the potential burglar a comfortable chair with which to rest upon while pillaging Holdo’s house. What the fuck did you _think_ I was gonna do?!”

“One would hope… not attack a possibly armed intruder!” Luke spat back, brushing away the hair from his eyes. He was wearing khakis today and a faded Jimi Hendrix tee. This time the pendant around his neck was a peace sign symbol, but he’d kept the pride flag bracelet.

“What are you even doing here?! I would have thought you’d learned your lesson by now!” Ben growled, angrily.

“Your mother called! You weren’t answering your damn phone and she wanted to make sure you had a change of clothes. I’m assuming you _do_ wear them in between all the sex?”

Well… it was good to know his Uncle had not, in fact, sworn off technology for the time being. Either Holdo hadn’t called him or he hadn’t gotten the message in time to avoid yesterday’s unpleasantness. _Oh shit_ … and if Leia Organa called Luke… then that meant she probably knew about the incident too. Fuck! “I was gonna go by there today to pick up our stuff,” Ben snapped. His heart was still pounding from all the excitement. He forced himself to take a calming breath before his anxiety could skyrocket and send him into full panic. 

“Oh well, no need. I also got a few groceries since there isn’t much here. Just a few basics. You’re stocked for the week, kid. Just try to take her outside every once in a while….”

Ben rolled his eyes, finally feeling his pulse slow to something more reasonable. “We’re not going to spend the entire week fucking, Luke!”

“Why not?” The question seemed to escape his Uncle’s lips before he had time to think better of it and he immediately shook his head. “Not that it’s any of my business,” he grumbled, turning back towards the kitchen and shoving the door open.

Ben immediately followed. Those were trademark words when it came to his Uncle. While everyone else in Ben’s life seemed desperate to control him, Luke Skywalker was far too preoccupied with trying to control himself. His never-ending search for enlightenment was all that mattered, and anything outside of that purpose was devoted to keeping darker thoughts buried down deep enough to be forgotten. “Thanks anyway… for thinking of us.”

Luke frowned, twisting back towards Ben. “Orgasms must agree with you. You never thank me for shit.”

Fuck, that couldn’t be true, could it? Was he really _that much_ of an asshole? Probably. “Don’t get used to it. She’s bound to get tired of me eventually.”

His Uncle turned back around to finish putting away groceries, shrugging his shoulders. “Not the way she was screaming yesterday,” his Uncle muttered, with a teasing smirk. Ben didn’t have the heart to look annoyed as memories of Rey’s pussy under his tongue assaulted him. He wasn’t wrong.

The last of the groceries were out of sight, leaving only the eggs, onions, green pepper, and some graded cheese. There was a frying pan on the stove, and he’d fished out a knife from the drawer. “Cooking yourself breakfast?”

“Cooking _us_ breakfast. Gotta keep your strength up. How about an omelet? You can cut up the onions. I’ve already chopped a few peppers… and the kettle’s on for tea.”

Ben wasn’t quite sure what had possessed Luke to do so much, but his lips curled into a smile as he reached for the knife and grabbed an onion. The wooden cutting board was dropped in front of him and he immediately got to work. “You must really be sore for company to be over here making Rey and I omelets,” he pointed out, side-eyeing the older man.

Luke snorted. “Are you kidding? The moment I got over to Leia’s to pick up your luggage, she had me cornered! Kept asking me questions about whether you were eating… if there was food in the house. I told her I’d check on you today and make you both some breakfast. After this I fully expect you to fix your own damn food,” he grumbled. That sounded more like his Uncle. 

Ben was so focused on his task that he didn’t notice the sound of Rey calling out his name until it was too late. He and Luke immediately stilled as the kitchen door swung open and she walked inside in nothing but a red, silky robe that he was sure belonged to Holdo. “I had to shove all my clothes in the wash, I hope your friend doesn’t mind me wearing her....” Rey’s voice trailed off as she stared down at the boys making breakfast. Her jaw went slack, and he could already see her blush redder than a tomato as she met his Uncle’s gaze. “Fuck,” she breathed and whirled out of the kitchen.

Ben dropped the knife he’d been using to cut onions, chasing after her into the sitting room. “Rey wait!” The moment the door shut behind him he winced as her hand smacked his shoulder. “What the fuck?!”

“Why didn’t you tell me your Uncle was here?!” Rey whispered in case Luke could hear them.

“You were sleeping! I didn’t know _myself_ until I came down! He brought our stuff from my parent’s house!”

“You could have given me warning! You had enough time to start fixing breakfast together! Would have it have killed you to run up and wake me?!”

Ben leaned down low till his face was close to hers. “I was trying to let you SLEEP!”

“I’m in your friend’s fucking robe!”

“I didn’t tell you to put that on!”

“I didn’t know what else to do! My clothes were dirty and I wasn’t expecting company!”

“Neither was I!” Ben hissed. “It’s just Luke! He doesn’t give a shit!”

“He... he saw me naked,” Rey groaned, hiding her face behind her hands for a moment. He knew she was just embarrassed about being caught in such a compromising position, but it wasn’t like they could turn back time and avoid that disaster. He really needed her to get past all this. 

“I was there... but you’re gonna have to deal with it, Rey! He probably told my mom what happened... which means my parents will think we’ve been over here fucking. Luke is the least of our problems!”

Rey hit him again, making Ben wince more from surprise than any actual pain. “What?! Why would he tell them about that?!”

“She’s his fucking twin!” Ben growled. “And stop hitting me! This is not my fault!”

“You were the one who didn’t want to go to a hotel!” Her bony little fingers stabbed at his chest roughly, and he immediately swatted them away, rubbing at the tender area.

“Are you serious?! You wanted to blow me in a fucking car! You didn’t seem so worried about getting caught when it was my pants getting shoved down!”

Rey’s eyes narrowed angrily, obviously struggling for a retort. His smile was especially smug when she sighed. “God, I hate you sometimes!”

“I know!” he barked. “Now either suck it up and eat breakfast or go hide upstairs. The choice is yours, but I’m making you a fucking omelet!”

He didn’t wait to see what she would do. He returned to the kitchen with a scowl and hands tightened into fists. When he went to reach for the knife, Luke dove for it and stood in front of the cutting board. “How about we keep you away from sharp objects when you look like that, eh kid?”

Ben glowered. “Don’t worry, Uncle. All my murderous urges get funneled into my writing.”

“Well that’s comforting,” Luke mumbled, but Solo still heard him. “I take it your girl is mad I’m here?”

“She’s embarrassed about yesterday still.”

Luke hummed, nodding his head. “Yeah... not how I would have wanted our introduction to go. Then again, the first time I met Bowie, he was getting his dick sucked... and we became great friends.”

The stories his Uncle told almost always gave Ben pause. Sometimes he didn’t quite believe they could be true, but he knew for a fact David and Luke were friends right up until the end. His Uncle had taken Ben to Bowie’s house at least twice when he was younger. “So is this a habit of yours? Walking in on people having oral sex?”

It bothered Ben that his Uncle actually stopped chopping to consider his question. “It does seem to happen to me a lot. That’s also how I found out about your parents.”

“Ack! Luke!” Ben shuddered, making himself busy as he walked over to the stove. “I’m fucked up enough, thanks!”

“Oh relax! It’s perfectly natural! You kids and your hang-ups! Love is a beautiful thing. It’s what binds the cosmos together.”

Ben was about to respond when the door swung open. Rey still looked bright red, but seemed much calmer as she tugged at Holdo’s robe and walked over to the breakfast table. She didn’t sit down, just stood around awkwardly and surveyed the room. “I-Is there something I can help with?” she asked, shyly.

Luke gave her a warm smile, trying to look welcoming. Ben just thought he looked a bit creepy. His Uncle didn’t smile much. “Ben and I’ve got breakfast, Rey. You just sit and relax. Have some tea if you’d like... I also brought milk.”

Rey nodded, walking over to the refrigerator. She paused to look inside. “I’ll have some with my tea....”

“Kettle’s been turned on, the water’s hot. You want black tea or Earl Grey?” Ben asked, more than happy to pretend they hadn’t just argued. At least she and Luke were finally in the same room. That was progress.

“Black tea, please.”

“Coming right up,” he announced and grabbed the mug he’d set aside for her. Ben poured the hot water from Holdo’s electric kettle and slid it carefully to Rey on the table with the bag inside. Rey reached for a milk carton and set it nearby, taking a seat. Ben returned to the cooking just as Luke had finished with the onions. This was gonna be a long day....

*******

“… so there I was holding back Ringo from running outside bare assed and tripped out, when George just outright tackles the man! I swear I don’t remember much after that! I wasn’t exactly in my right mind either at the time!”

Ben had heard the story only about seventeen hundred times. He really wished he was exaggerating. Rey, however, had not… and Luke was thoroughly enjoying a fresh audience in which to share his stories. He’d always suspected he’d inherited his love of storytelling from his Uncle and his Grandfather. Anakin Skywalker’s journals were brilliantly written and full of colorful details about his experiences and heroics. Uncle Luke had quite a few stories of his own, and had written books about his experiences. Ben was simply the first to make the leap into the world of fiction and sci-fi. 

“I cannot believe you were actually _friends_ with the Beatles!” Rey exclaimed, leaning in so far on the table that Ben was worried her robe would fall open and give Luke yet another view of the ‘goods.’

“Yeah well, I spent a couple years with nothing but the clothes on my back, but once my father died I inherited quite a bit more than I ever believed possible. No one had a clue he’d put away so much! By then I could do whatever the fuck I wanted… go where I wanted. I spent a lot of time in the UK, especially since Wedge was from there. He was related to George, and for a summer I actually worked with them as a roadie… which meant I was the one carrying the pills on tour.”

As funny as it was picturing a naked Ringo being tackled by George, Ben couldn’t help being reminded of Luke’s dark history with drugs and drink. His thoughts immediately returning to that fucked up night when his Uncle had been out of his mind and rambling about dark forces over Ben’s bed. It was the scariest thing he’d ever seen, and it didn’t feel right glamorizing the lifestyle. 

Rey was shaking her head, looking half dazed. “That’s incredible. What a life you must have led!”

“It ain’t for everyone, kid… trust me. We were so hopeful back then. We were inspired by the music and we thought we had all the answers. Peace and love were gonna solve all the world’s problems. We never even noticed that the drugs were killing off all of our friends along the way,” Luke mused, sadly. 

In his youth, Skywalker used to believe that certain drugs helped him tap into the universe on a deeper and more profound level. He’d cleaned up his act for the most part, other than the occasional use of marijuana when he meditated. His Uncle was forever haunted by his own naivety. Much like Ben, he was jaded. He still liked to tell the stories, but it always felt like resurrecting ghosts, and it left Luke in a bad place emotionally.

Rey seemed to notice the sudden shift in Luke’s mood. Her smile waned as she dropped a comforting hand over Luke’s, but his Uncle immediately pulled away and cleared his throat. “People called us _legends_ … but legends never die,” he said bitterly. Luke stood up from the breakfast table and put his mug in the sink. “I better get going.”

“What? Already?” Rey protested, her eyes suddenly filled with concern over his sudden change in mood.

Ben dropped a hand to her back, rubbing it gently. “We’ll see you around, Uncle Luke.”

Luke gave Ben a stiff nod, and then turned to Rey. “It’s been a pleasure, Rey.” He shoved a hand in his jeans and walked towards the sliding doors out back. A sure sign he was retreating to avoid embarrassing himself. Ben could see his forest green truck parked nearby. He watched Luke slide the door open and disappear from sight without a word. Skywalker usually needed space when he felt himself spiraling. Ben could understand that. 

By the time he turned back to Rey, she looked confused and deeply troubled by Luke’s odd behavior. “He’ll be fine. He gets that way sometimes.”

Rey didn’t look like she believed him, but she nodded anyway. “I should get showered and dressed… especially now that I finally have something to change into.”

“Great! Once you’re ready, I’ll take you out for a bit of shopping by the bay. Plus you still haven’t tried the crabs! I’m not letting you leave the country until you’ve had them!”

Rey’s lips curled at the prospect, and she immediately turned towards him. He couldn’t help leaning against the side of the table to kiss her lips. She was so fucking sexy in that red robe. “They’re that good?”

“Mmmm… you have no fucking idea, sweetheart.”

Her eyes had a sparkle of mischief in them as she shifted closer, teasing him with her cleavage. It occurred to him that she was probably naked under that thing. _Shit._ “You know… it’d be a shame if I took that shower all by myself. I could get lonely.”

“Promise not to hit me if I keep you company? You were quite violent earlier.”

“I never make promises I don’t intend to keep.”

Damn her and what she could do to him. He was close enough to watch her pupils widen. Feel her breath against his face… he could still smell the onions from her omelet. She was chewing on her lip, and he wanted desperately to replace her teeth with his own. His pants had grown tight as he caught on to her innuendo. “Well… I have behaved poorly. I probably deserve to be punished.”

Rey quirked an eyebrow in surprise. Ben knew his reservations about their relationship had probably given her the assumption that he’d be equally reserved in bed. What she’d failed to consider… was he was a writer… and therefore _extremely_ imaginative when he wanted to be. “So you admit it then?”

“Admit what?”

“That you behaved poorly?” she pushed. He noticed as one hand disappeared under the table, tugging at the ties of her robe.

Ben sucked in air and tilted his head to look down at her body, watching the robe fall open. His eyes didn’t know what to settle on. There was just too much skin to admire. The curve of her breasts were already calling to him, but the dark curls just under the table made all blood flow rush towards his cock. “I always behave poorly.”

“Hmmm… Ben Solo… what am I to do with you?”

His lips curled in a wicked smile. “Fuck me?”

Rey immediately smacked his shoulder, while his hands shot out towards her, pulling her into his arms. She was straddling him now, her back pressing against the edge of the table, but Rey wasn’t complaining. “You’re an absolute brute, Ben!”

Ben nipped at her neck, hearing her whimper as she rocked against him. “And you’re fucking annoying.”

“I am not!”

Ben pulled back to glare at her. “You poked me! In the _chest_!”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Don’t be such a baby!”

“It still hurts,” he grumbled, ducking down to bite at her neck harder. He loved the sound of her gasp, her hands gripping at his shirt as he felt a wet spot on the front of his jeans. He wasn’t sure if it was his pre-cum or her juices… probably a bit of both. Her hips hadn’t stopped moving, and his erection was getting painful. “You have bony fingers.”

Rey shoved her pelvis down hard against his cock, making him shudder. He wanted desperately to free himself of the damn jeans so he could fuck her properly, but she felt too good. His hands were already sliding beneath the robe to grab her ass. “You weren’t complaining about my bony fingers when they were fucking you. You seemed to be enjoying them.”

The reminder of her finger in his ass while she’d sucked him off made Ben groan. He sucked hard at her neck, his tongue sliding against her skin to taste her. Rey’s nails dug into his ribs through his shirt, writhing in his lap, and he knew he could probably make her come just like this. The roughness of his jeans seemed to be turning her on, and the pressure against his dick was making his balls tighten.

“You’re such a bloody bastard,” Rey growled against his ear.

Ben snorted, kissing up her neck, her chin… and finally her lips. The kiss was brutal and wanton. His head was spinning as he felt her hips continue to rock against him. He was so fucking _close_. He couldn’t even think. “I tried to warn you,” he lamented against her lips.

“Mmmm as if I would listen.” She was soaking his pants thoroughly with her wetness, he could barely believe it. Ben held onto her with one hand while the other snuck around front to fondle her breasts. Her clit was rocking into his cock, and he felt her coming undone from the sensation. 

“Another reason why you’re annoying… you never fucking listen,” he goaded. Ben’s hips jerked as she grinded hard against him in retribution.

The pressure was building in them both. All he could hear was their panting as they moved together. His teeth tugging at her bottom lip, before swallowing any snide remarks with another kiss. This is what Rey reduced him to. Seconds away from staining his pants with his cum. He felt like a horny teenager, content to get off anyway his girl fucking let him. Their tongues sliding around each other as the kiss deepened. Rey arched into him and cried out.

He could hear her kick at a table leg, muttering a curse against his lips. That _had_ to hurt, but she refused to stop moving in his lap. Ben felt the moment the pressure became too much. It felt like a silent explosion inside his head. His ears ringing. His heart pounding. His mouth hung open as he came. Pulsing hot cum against the fly of his pants. Ben held her still as every muscle tensed. He couldn’t understand how she made him cum so hard… but it happened every fucking time.

“Ugh.” Ben’s forehead dropped to Rey’s shoulder as the intense pleasure slowly eased away and left him feeling boneless and satisfied.

Rey’s left hand played with his hair, running her fingers through soft curls. “Yeah….”

“That’s twice you’ve made me come like this,” Ben complained, his thumb brushing against her nipple teasingly. He’d never had anything like this with another person before. This teasing between them almost as entertaining and gratifying as the sex. 

She sighed and kissed the side of his head. “Don’t complain about the orgasms I give you. It’s impolite.”

Ben huffed, defiantly. She was always trying to make him behave. Damn her. “God… you’re so fucking annoying….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhh relationships... orgasms and arguments. You guys know how much I thrive on your awesome comments! I'd love to know what you guys think!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. Life gets in the way!

It was at the age of seventeen that Ben Solo touched a woman’s breast for the very first time. He’d been dragged away to Madrid in Spain, traveling with his mother for a few weeks during the summer. She’d been invited to lavish parties almost every single night, and she’d insisted he ought to come because there would be others his age there. It was at one of these events that he’d befriended the daughter of a diplomat.

Her name was Serena and she had an affinity for trouble that truly astounded the young Solo. Most children raised by the politically powerful had an overwhelming desire to rebel and cross boundaries, if only to earn their parent’s attention for longer than a few minutes during shared meals. Serena was different though. Her thoughts had never been occupied with being seen by her parents, in fact, it was just the opposite. The trouble she sought was with a much grander purpose. She wanted to feel _alive_ , whether it was drowning in drink or in the pleasures of a warm body... it made no difference.

He could still remember her sultry laugh filling his ears as she’d dragged his hands to her chest and asked him to fuck her. His Spanish was almost as terrible as her English, but some things didn’t need much effort to translate. His deer in the headlights stare had been enough to expose him as a blushing virgin. Ben had immediately felt more like a child than a man, a foolish child who was way in over his head. 

He hadn’t had a condom, and the thought of his first time being during some grand event her father had arranged felt extremely unromantic. Out of pity she’d sucked him off in a closet of all places, and she’d allowed him to clumsily finger-fuck her to orgasm. It wasn’t until a few months later, while visiting New York, that she’d finally claimed his virginity. Ben, idiot that he was, had hoped it was special for her. Turned out she was just bored and eager for a massive cock to ride.

It was an absolute fallacy that men didn’t crave a certain emotional intimacy for sex. He wasn’t a fucking unicorn for wanting to _feel_ something. Not even the cocky jackasses he’d grown up with wanted to bed women simply for pleasure, though they’d certainly done so on occasion, and frankly… so had he. Ben spent years after Serena searching for someone he could connect with. Someone that stirred his cock and his heart with passion… someone like Rey. 

Ben dropped her onto the kitchen counter to kiss her, his hands curled around her neck to keep Rey from slamming her head against the cabinets. His thumb was just under her bottom lip as her mouth opened to him and that velvety tongue came searching for his. His cum had cooled in his pants, making him feel uncomfortable, but Rey’s body was the best fucking distraction he could have asked for. He wasn’t done with her yet.

“Fuck me, Ben.” She’d broken their kiss with those words, and if he hadn’t just come, he was certain he’d be harder than stone.

“Not just yet. I need a shower,” he muttered against her chin, refusing to pull away. He nipped at her playfully, tilting her head back for access to her neck. He could almost feel her pulse under his lips. He’d happily stand here forever and taste every inch of her body, as if it would be the ultimate claim of her, ensuring no one else could ever know her like he did. Every cell in his body screamed for hers with a desperation he hadn’t felt since Serena, but this time around he was confident Rey felt it too.

“Fuck me _in_ the shower,” she insisted, stubbornly.

Ben laughed against her collarbone, tracing it with his tongue, before burying his face between her breasts. “With our luck I’d slip on a bar of soap and break something. No thanks. When I finally sink my cock inside that beautiful pussy of yours… it’ll be in a bed with your legs wrapped around me as I watch you wail for more.”

For a man that could never say the right things, he was awfully good at _this_. He pressed his face against her right breast, panting hot air against a nipple. Rey groaned, fingers clutching at his shoulders as her head finally hit the cabinet, mindless and lost in her desires. “Fuck me after the shower. I want everything you just said.”

He didn’t say a word, just let his hands skim down her body to grab her hips as he slid her off the counter. He tugged her towards their upstairs guest room urgently, shedding his clothes along the way. He was especially relieved to be rid of his jeans and underwear, the crotch soaked with his cum. Rey stumbled slightly on the top step, using his arm to steady herself, and he hid away his smirk by turning around to kiss her forehead. The robe was left forgotten at the door, as she kissed his chest, shoving him roughly towards their destination.

They didn’t bother closing doors as they moved through towards the bathroom. Ben tugged open the glass door and switched on the water, curling his other hand around Rey’s waist as he yanked her inside. He loved the sound of her gasp as she was pressed against his naked body, the spray of water soaking them immediately with heat. It was difficult to focus on the productive act of cleaning when she was sucking on his nipple, and caressing his ass cheeks. He was already half hard and slightly light-headed as he soaped up her body first, paying special attention to her breasts. “I think they’re clean, Ben.”

“Just being thorough,” he teased, pinching and rolling a nipple, then spun them around so the water could wash away the suds.

When it was Rey’s turn to clean _him_ she caressed every inch of his body. Half hard was rapidly turning into something painful as her hands wrapped around his cock and washed away sticky cum caked to his skin. He growled and quirked an eyebrow at her, making her cackle like the mad woman she was. “Just being _thorough_.”

He pulled her hand away from his dick to wash off the soap, while Rey slide around behind him, kissing down his spine. Her hands were resting on his hips, and he swallowed hard as her fingernails sunk into his skin. Pleasure and pain… and somehow it felt right that they should be like this. Rey drove him crazy in a wicked way. She was a dangerous mixture of naivety and sin. She worked his body like she could read his mind, but was foolish enough to believe this wouldn’t end in heartbreak for them both.

At the moment, Ben didn’t care how broken he would be when it was over. At least he’d have this. Memories of her naked and wet body pressing against his back, her right leg sliding up his thigh as she sucked the running water from his skin. His fingers caressed behind her knee, drifting upwards. The other hand reached out quickly to shut off the water. They were clean enough.

Rey was the first to pull away from him, grabbing a towel while he ducked down towards the cabinet under the sink to see what kind of condoms Holdo kept. There were several in every size, and he smirked as he grabbed a handful of black condoms. By the time he turned back to Rey she was almost dry, but he was quick to fix that by pressing her against the wall with his dripping body, his fingers searching for her folds to slip a finger inside her.

Rey arched into him, dropping the towel. The sound she made as his middle finger began to stretch her would stay with him for the rest of his life. “Would you care to join me in the bedroom?” he teased her, watching her eyes shut, and her mouth fall open. Her hips were moving to meet his finger’s thrusts. Her hands against the wall as if afraid she’d fall over.

“God yes,” she moaned.

That was all he needed. Ben removed his finger from her heated core and picked her up, carrying her like a bride towards the guest bedroom. He didn’t give a damn about drying off. They’d be wet with sweat too… soon enough.

The moment he laid her out on the bed his breath caught in his throat. This was actually happening. Rey was this beautiful and wild thing, legs spread wide for his cock, and eyes so dark with the desire and something else that felt far too significant. When he climbed up on the bed, depositing all the condoms on the bedside table except for one, his hand shook. Nerves rattled him like they never had before. All his confidence was fading away as he felt the weight of this moment.

Ben held out the condom to Rey, her lips curling as she took it from his hands and tore open the packet with her teeth. She pulled the rubber out while he knelt between her legs with his cock within her reach. He immediately groaned as she rolled the condom onto his penis, taking her time to caress him and stroke him teasingly. He shoved her away the moment she was done and moved above her. 

Their mouths fused together, wet and sloppy. He knew her pussy was already wet for him from before. Ben gripped the base of his cock and slid the head between her folds. He didn’t penetrate her. He wanted her cum coating his cock before he did that. It took great effort to break the kiss and look down at her.

Rey’s heated gaze was almost enough to undo him. He’d been unraveling since the moment he met her. “I love you, Ben.”

The words stilled his movements immediately as he blinked. Had she just said that? How could she possibly? When her hand stroked his face tenderly, he knew she meant it. She _loved_ him. Rey. The girl of his dreams and fantasies. She loved him.

His mouth opened to say it back, but the words stuck like glue in his throat. He wasn’t ready for that. He wasn’t ready to call this love. It didn’t matter that he felt it. Rey was practically a blur as his eyes filled with tears, overwhelmed by this revelation. He couldn’t say the words, but maybe he could show her. Make love to her. If only she could read his mind and know her hold on him.

Ben slowly eased himself inside her, observing the way her eyes rolled back into her head and her hand fell away from his cheek. She was so damn tight, and he wondered how long it’d been since she’d done this. Had she loved before? Or was he the first? Perhaps she was just free with her heart, trusting every lover to handle it with care. It seemed like the sort of thing she might do.

It didn’t matter. This moment was his. He was the new owner of her heart, and he felt immensely honored. He blinked back his tears, but a few managed to escape, forcing him to drop his head against her shoulder. Ben was shaking all over, every sensation around his member shooting sparks of pleasure up and down his spine. He only paused to breathe when he was finally sheathed inside Rey’s tight little cunt.

“So full,” Rey whispered against his ear.

“So tight,” he responded, kissing her skin affectionately.

When her body began to rock against him he knew she was urging him to move. He was agonizingly slow. He wanted this to last. He wanted to remember this moment forever. Rey loved him and he wanted to love her back. 

Her legs wrapped around him and her hands pulled his head up as she stole another kiss. The movements of their tongues so similar to the way he was fucking her. One hand dropped to the bed to hold him up while his other touched her body, slick with water from their shower. The bed would be damp. Her hair was already soaking the pillow. 

Ben felt the rippling muscles of her abdomen, the faint protruding of her ribs under her skin. His thumb curved underneath Rey’s breast as he snapped his hips into her just a little harder. She broke the kiss with a cry.

Ben’s lips kissed down her neck as he caressed and groped her breast. The building tension in his gut urging him to pick up the pace. Yes, this was perfection. The sound of her whimpers as he rocked into her. The feel of her skin sliding against his. Sweat and water. Gasps and moans. Her clasping pussy and his throbbing cock.

Sex. That word didn’t describe shit anymore. It was too ordinary. Ben was transcending every time he moved inside her. The desperation was controlling his pace, spurring him on. “You feel so fucking good, Rey.” His words were muffled against her skin.

“Faster,” she demanded breathlessly. “I need more.”

He could give her that. Ben pulled away, slipping out of her, and removing her legs from his hips. For a moment Rey looked confused, and he curled his lips with a reassuring smile. “On your knees.”

Rey didn’t even hesitate. She’d never been so obedient, but he could tell it was turning her on… being told what to do. He watched her roll over and present her pussy like a present. Her back was arched, ass in the air, and face buried in the pillows. Ben watched himself slide back home, harsher this time. His hands held on to her hips to secure Rey in place. His hips setting a brutal pace that had her entire body shuddering from the impact.

He fucked her hard. His chin pressed into his chest as he groaned, loving how she gripped his cock, that pussy so eager to accept him every time. “Touch yourself.”

Again Rey obeyed him, rubbing at her clit as he practically jackhammered into her. The sound was lewd, skin slapping skin, their moans making a melody quite pleasing to his ears. He could feel her fingers brush him as he moved, the coiled ball of tension growing stronger and stronger with each pass.

Rey screamed into the pillows as she finally came, muscles spasming around his cock, triggering his release. All that build up in his gut exploded inside him, sending waves of pleasure through every nerve. His cum filling the rubber barrier in globs, warm and thick. He fucked her through all of it and whispered her name like a prayer. Fuck… he was such an idiot. An idiot madly in love with Rey.

*******

_Middleton Tavern_ on Market Space had some of the best fucking seafood. It was a historic building, a true landmark by the bay. Both Amilyn and Luke had taken him there many times, and although the view of the bay was obscured, Ben had always enjoyed the atmosphere. They’d chosen a table outside so Rey could enjoy the good weather. Ben didn’t particularly enjoy the heat; he was already sweating, but at least they could enjoy a slight breeze.

There was something strangely erotic about watching Rey crack open a crab and literally scavenge for meat like she hadn’t eaten in days. He’d never seen someone so focused on the task, so determined to find every edible morsel… and that moan she made as she’d finally taste it… fuck. She had to stop doing that. They were in public for fuck’s sake. 

To avoid the embarrassment of an erection, he tried to occupy his mind with thoughts of Kira and Kylo. His body was still buzzing from earlier in the day. They’d barely been able to drag themselves from the bed, and he found himself wondering if it would be the same with his characters. Ben was almost certain their first time would be awkward. He’d never stated it outright, but Kylo was clueless when it came to the pleasures of a woman. Kira would surely be just as inexperienced. Neither was all that familiar with tenderness and love. Of that he was sure.

Jakku was supposed to be an unforgiving place, and Kira’s family history was shady at best. Kira Rey would have spent many days struggling to survive and scrounge for food. Nothing else could ever be a priority. He could only imagine the overwhelming hunger that she’d probably endured as she scouted for technology she might be able to trade for portions. Kylo’s hunger was self-imposed. Depression often led to a lack of appetite, and he’d written chapters in the past about Kylo’s mental state. 

They’d be starved for affection, and that would be a means of connecting them. Two lost souls who’d suffered through neglect, abuse, and loneliness. Both struggling with a hunger inside them that never stopped. Though their feelings would be foreign to them, they’d understand without a doubt that they needed each other. When Kylo Ren finally faced Snoke’s inhuman eyes and mangled sneer… he’d do it with Kira watching. He’d find his strength with her. 

“You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what?”

“The staring.”

Ben blinked, looking down at his plate, full of finished crab legs and a barely used mallet. For some reason he wasn’t as hungry as he’d been a minute ago. Thoughts of Kylo and Kira often left him feeling detached… drifting. These characters didn’t live in his world, but they felt more real than anything he’d ever known. What happened to them _mattered_. Perhaps it mattered too much. “Rey? What’s the difference between surviving and living?”

Rey paused mid-chew, considering his question carefully. “When you’re alive… you’re happy.”

He liked her answer. He usually did. Not only did she pick up on the little details, but Rey had a way of simplifying complicated concepts. Her mind had incredible depth, but she put it into words even a child could comprehend. Ben wasn’t always good at that. In his writing he liked using fanciful language. He was meticulous in how he described the world. Rey didn’t give a shit. She spoke her mind and she spoke it plainly. She never put on airs. Why was it so easy for her to be herself, but somehow wearing short sleeves left her so emotionally unstable?

“I never considered a world in which Kylo Ren does anything more than survive,” he admitted. “The publishing company just wants me to give Kylo a love interest, but love changes the story. Kylo feels different now.”

“How did you see it ending? Before Kira?” Rey asked, scarfing down the last of the meat from her crab.

Ben didn’t really want to tell her. So much of Kylo’s life was influenced by Ben’s own experiences and family. What would she think of him? It felt like revealing too much of himself; exposing her to the darker thoughts he tried so hard to shroud in fiction. What if she wasn’t ready for that? 

“Ben?”

He shook his head. No, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to ruin a perfectly pleasant day with bitter endings meant to reflect the reality of his life. “I dunno.”

“In your books Kylo Ren is fighting for redemption. Snoke is all that matters. What happens when Snoke dies?”

Solo took a sip of his drink to give himself time to think. Whatever answer he gave her had to be good enough to satisfy her curiosity. “I… I guess I figured he’d die killing Snoke.” It was a lie, and it didn’t sit well with him. That had never been the ending he’d imagined. Kylo was an anti-hero in this series, overcome with guilt, but equally desperate for control. His origin was full of hope that had died long before murdering his father. Every splash of blood on Ren’s hands had changed him. There was no going back.

“I find it hard to believe that there isn’t a plan,” Rey pressed, eyes narrowing into a hard stare. “Tell me.”

He’d never meant for this conversation to take such a bad turn. He could feel his heart beat falter, palms sweaty for more reasons than the heat. Fuck, what the hell was he supposed to tell her? “Y-You have to understand… Kylo Ren isn’t meant to be a hero. Not really.”

“Through this entire series he’s been struggling to redeem himself. Are you saying it never happens?” Rey was starting to look agitated. She’d been reading his books, and he could tell she was becoming invested. On several occasions she’d gushed about her hopes for the characters.

“Not quite. Snoke is truly evil… through and through, and Kylo’s the only one who can stop him, but he’s a character touched by evil too. That doesn’t just fade away.”

“What about Kira? Everything’s different now!” Rey argued. “You said….”

Fuck. He was afraid this would happen. “I don’t know, Rey! Maybe she changes him for the better… or maybe not! She was never part of the plan.”

“Neither was I.”

“You and I are different.” He knew this would happen. Once again Rey was seeing parallels where he wished she wouldn’t.

“You still don’t believe in love, though… not really.” When he looked up at her there was a shadow in her eyes. He was reminded of her confession in bed, how she’d taken a leap he hadn’t been ready for. He felt like such a fucking coward. Her gaze filled him with shame. “I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. You’re waiting… waiting for me to walk away… for this to end.”

“Everything ends eventually, Rey!”

Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re so infuriating, Ben! Why ask me to trust you when you’ve got one foot out the door?”

“But I don’t!”

“Well… neither do I!”

Ben sighed, glancing out at those closest to their table. No one was looking, but surely they could hear some of this. He never wanted their conversation to spiral like this. He couldn’t help how he felt. It wasn’t like there was a switch inside his mind that he could flip and make everything less fucked up. Of course he was waiting for her to leave even after her declaration! Of course he was! It was what he was used to. It was a thought ingrained so deeply in his psyche that it wasn’t ever coming out. Every damn day he would wait for it. Wait for the end. Wait for his life to return to what it was.

Ben reached out to take her hand. There was a coldness to her gaze that made his stomach twist. He wished there was a way he could say the words she needed to hear. He’d tried to show her, but obviously it wasn’t enough. Making love to her was… it was everything. Why couldn’t she feel that? “Rey… I-I’m just… I don’t know how to do this. You’re right. You were never part of the plan, but that doesn’t make it any less important to me. I just need you to be patient. With me and with Kylo. We’re idiots right? We make a mess out of everything. It’s in our nature. We get in our own way… fuck everything up, but maybe one day we’ll stop. Maybe one day we’ll get it right?”

Her eyes seemed weary, as if she wasn’t sure she could do that. His heart sunk low in his chest, afraid she was already pulling away. He wasn’t ready to lose her. He’d never be ready for that. “Be patient?”

“Patience,” Ben requested, earnestly. _I love you, Rey._

Her eyes were red, but she wasn’t crying. On some level she had to know. She had to realize what she meant to him. “I guess I can do that.”

“Yeah?” He searched out her face, needing to know this wouldn’t ruin their day. Needing some sort of reassurance that she wasn’t angry with him.

The lip twitch turned into the faintest smile. “Yes, Ben. I suppose I have no choice. I’m not ready to give up on you… either of you.”

Ben mirrored her smile, squeezing her hand. “I know….”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben's back to his bullshit. When will that idiot learn? Feel free to yell at me in the comments! I love reading every single one!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! Mention of drug use/abuse!

“You know I can take whatever I want….”

Rey bit her lip as she snorted, shaking and shuddering with tears in her eyes. It wasn’t exactly the reaction he’d been expecting, and he was immediately pulled from the fantasy. Her wrists were tied to the bedposts, body displayed for his hungry eyes… and she was fucking _laughing_ at him. Ben folded his arms and glared at her. This was really killing the mood.

“What’s so funny?”

Rey shook her head. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! It’s just… you’re a terrible actor, Ben.”

Ben stiffened. “I am _not_ a terrible actor! No one knows Kylo Ren better than I do. I’m playing his character as I believe he would behave!” he defended, dropping his arms to his side. It felt really fucked up to be having this discussion while Rey was tied to a bed and they were both gloriously naked. Rey was always throwing him off balance. She’d been the one who wanted to role-play in the first place.

“You’re just… a bit over the top. Overly dramatic!”

He immediately rolled his eyes. “And Kylo Ren isn’t?”

“It’s just not how I imagined him.”

His head tilted to the side as he stared back at her. Now he was curious. How long had she been fantasizing about fucking Kylo Ren? Was it Ben’s face she saw in her mind’s eye? “And how did you imagine him?”

Her legs fell open wider, giving him a better view of her pussy, and he immediately licked his lips. Rey was smiling back at him now, well aware of what this was doing to him. Her voice was sweet, but it felt like sin to his ears. “Quiet… still. His eyes rake over Kira’s body in fascination, but he’s so intense. He’s enthralled by her. She can barely focus on resisting him.”

Quiet. He could do that. Something a bit more subtle. He tried again. “You know I can take whatever I want,” he spoke softly, almost a whisper. Her smirk faded as all his focus centered on her eyes. “I need that map, scavenger.”

“I’m not giving you anything,” she responded with a gaze just as heated as his own.

“We’ll see.” He stalked towards her. Each step was careful and sure. He rounded the bed to her side, finally letting his eyes drift down her body. He tried not to smile, but he felt the faint twitch of his lips curling. She was so beautiful like this. She exuded confidence despite being completely exposed. Her chest rose a little quicker as his finger trailed down between her breasts. The touch was feather-light, just enough to tease. “You’re so lonely… so afraid to leave. At night… desperate to sleep. You imagine an ocean… an island.” He spoke the words he’d only just typed a few days before.

For a moment he felt like Kylo Ren. He felt lost to the character living inside of him. Powerful, and yet at her mercy. Tension growing between them as his finger crossed her stomach until he reached the apex between her thighs. He could feel the soft hairs of her pussy, those lower lips that he’d put his tongue to… pressed his cock between. He rub down with enough pressure to make her eyes flutter. Then back up as he spread her juices across her skin. She was the woman of his dreams, everything he could ask for. He loved her. Everything about her.

“You…” Rey began. “You’re afraid-” he interrupted her words with a kiss. He was afraid. Just like Kylo Ren… he was absolutely terrified. She was a creature that almost seemed made for him. Every weakness was her strength, balancing him in ways he’d never thought possible. That in itself was fucking petrifying. He hated the idea of needing her, but he did. In every sense of the word. 

Rey opened to him and he invaded her mouth. This was not how Kira’s interrogation went in his book, but that was the point. It was a fantasy… Rey’s fantasy. To live out their characters, but with a twist. His finger slid between her folds and Rey gasped against his lips. She was so wet, all for him. He did this to her. He broke their kiss to suck at her breast, letting the tip of his tongue flick against her nipple. Ben’s teeth pressed into her skin, almost threatening, as if he could devour her here and now. She was arching up into him, fighting her restraints. His finger entered her slowly, and he could feel her legs spread out even more.

“Oh… Kylo.” That shouldn’t be so arousing… hearing her call him ‘Kylo.’ He liked it, the name, the persona. A tortured soul born to a life that was spiraling. Ben was spiraling too.

“My little scavenger,” he moaned against her chest, opening his mouth wider to fit more of Rey’s breast into his mouth. He was sucking at her hard enough to leave a mark. Kylo would want Kira marked… to claim her as his own.

Rey’s body rocked against his finger as he fucked her. He wanted to tease, but he wasn’t sure he had it in him. He needed her so badly. It was fucking painful, in fact. He was certain she was just as desperate. “W-what do you plan to do with me?”

He pulled off her nipple with a pop, and it glistened with his spit. His eyes took in her body, committing it to memory. He wanted to know every freckle and scar. He wanted to know her better than he knew himself. “Sink my cock inside you… fuck you till you tell me exactly where my uncle is.”

Her head rose as she tugged against the ties again. He added a second finger, crooking them till she squirmed and cried out. His thumb pressed into her clit, rubbing in circles. He could make her cum like this. He loved watching her.

Rey’s breathing almost sounded labored. Her eyes were growing darker as he sped up the pace of his fingers, rubbing at her clit harder and harder. “You will tell me everything I need to know. You want this… I see it in your eyes… even when you call me a monster.”

“You _are_ a monster!” she growled, though it quickly morphed into a moan. He added a third finger, forcing her to stretch around his thick digits. He kept stimulating her clit, working it furiously with his thumb. Rey’s jaw fell open as she stiffened. Her pleasure building to a quick release.

Ben immediately climbed on the bed, removing his thumb from her clit so he could lick at it. He sucked at it until she was practically whimpering. His fingers never stopped moving inside her. “Yes I am,” he responded, lapping at her pussy. He loved the taste of her.

She came with a shout, practically seizing underneath him. Internal muscles squeezing at his fingers, and her juices making a mess of his face. “Ohhh fu-”

Ben pulled away, removing his fingers and sucking them into his mouth. She was panting, staring up at him with wide eyes. He reached over for a condom, quickly rolling it on before lining his cock with her entrance. Enough of these games. He needed to be inside her.

Rey sighed as he breached her. He grabbed her legs, bending them till her knees were pressed against her chest. She was amazingly flexible. Ben knew she liked it a little rough. “Come on, scavenger. Don’t resist me. Don’t resist the darkness that’s inside you. I can feel it. Let go!”

He snapped his hips into her with a ruthless pace. Refusing to take things slow. This is what she wanted. Kylo Ren. The hero and the villain. His alter ego. His hair fell into his eyes as he looked down at her. Rey was pulling at her restraints, eager to touch him. Her gaze was wild, flashing her teeth like an animal. He dived down for a kiss, and groaned as she bit his lip.

His inevitable release swelled in his gut. He wouldn’t last long. This was just too good. Her pussy was taking his cock so well. Ben could tell she was close once more, as if standing on a cliff, waiting for the fall. “I’m gonna cum inside you. Would you like that? I bet it kills you to have a barrier between us… I know you’d love me to fill you up with my cum.”

Rey’s neck snapped back, pressing her head into the pillows, her eyes holding him with so much heat. He felt raw like this. More like the monster he’d created. Two souls merging, one fictional and one real. He was fucking her harder than ever, enjoying the sound of their love-making. His sweat and hers. The slap of his balls against her. The noises she was making as if she were trying to speak, but couldn’t manage it. Incapable of speech, almost mindless as she fought the restraints. There’d be bruises around her wrists.

It felt like a dream to look down upon her naked body, knowing she wanted this, that she loved him. Could Kira ever love a monster? Could she ever truly let go of the past and move forward with a man such as Kylo Ren? He wanted to believe it was possible, but part of him still rejected the very notion. How could she ever spread her legs like this… and accept the broken man his character had become?

Again he rubbed at her clit, the pressure hard enough to make her shout. “Come on, scavenger! I want you to cum on my cock!” he growled. He aimed for that place inside her that would make all of this end, throw her off the edge of that cliff and straight into a blissful sea.

He felt the moment her orgasm hit. Rey’s body going tight, spasming muscles around his cock, sending him over the edge with her. He wasn’t even sure which one of them screamed. He emptied himself inside the rubber, her pussy clasping and milking him for all he was worth. Intense pleasure shot through him, his body shining slick with sweat as he continued to pound into her. It felt so fucking good.

When he finally pulled out, it was like the roleplaying fell away. Just Ben and Rey again. She took a shaking breath, eyes looking almost glossy. “I love you. God, I love you so much.”

All he could do was smile back. He loved her too. His hand stroked her face as he leaned over to kiss her forehead. Then he reached up to remove the restraints carefully, kissing each bruised wrist. He caressed her scars, enjoying the way she shivered from his touch.

Ben carefully removed the condom and tied it off, dropping it into the trash can below. Rey was in his arms immediately, pulling him down over her, his head nestled in her chest. For some reason she didn’t mind being smothered by his weight. The sex was incredible, but nothing could be better than relaxing in her arms, drifting off to sleep with the sounds of her heart beat.

When was he going to stop being a coward and just tell her how he felt? This would be the perfect time, but again the words escaped him, as if they were holding out for a reason not even he was fully aware of. All he wanted to do was tell her he loved her… why was that so hard? _Why?_

*******

It seemed nowhere was completely safe from his parents. He should have known better. By the next day Leia was interrupting morning sex with Rey, demanding to steal her away for a couple hours for a little sight-seeing. _‘You can’t just bring her all the way to America, and then confine her to the bedroom, Ben! She ought to, at least, see some of the city!’_

He hated when she was right, his face turning sour as his mother revealed she’d arranged for a special tour of the White House and the Capital. Rey’s eyes immediately lit up with excitement, practically bouncing at the idea. He’d grown up seeing inside the rooms no one else was allowed entrance, it really wasn’t that impressive, but he knew she’d love every moment. _‘And what am I supposed to do while you’re off with Rey?’_ he’d immediately complained.

He wasn’t particularly surprised by his mother’s response. _‘Don’t you have a manuscript you ought to be working on?’_ Damn her.

That was his morning. The reason for his foul mood. He’d watched Rey rush off to the Falcon where his father was waiting. They’d jumped into the car quickly and drove away. The last thing he felt like doing was writing. He was still struggling to figure out how he could get Kira and Kylo from enemies to… something else. 

Writer’s block was nothing new to him. A change in scenery might have done him some good. A little interaction with a stimulating mind that could get the creative juices flowing once more. He’d thought about taking the boat out, or maybe just going for a walk. Neither idea appealed to him though. Usually when he was stuck, he’d visit Lor and discuss the problem with him. Lor was all the way in London, which left him with only one other person that might be able to help. Luke Skywalker. It was worth a try.

This was how he’d ended up sliding out of his rental and staring at his uncle’s house with mild distaste. For a man with an inheritance that boggled the mind, Luke Skywalker’s home was absolute shit. It was about twenty minutes from Holdo’s, and in desperate need for repair. 

The paint was old and chipped. The wooden rails looked seconds away from falling apart. The lawn was more jungle than grass. Not to mention there was a rusted out car in the driveway that looked like it belonged in a junkyard. How the hell did his uncle live like this?

He waved off biting mosquitoes as he navigated through the mess, already feeling slightly grimy with sweat from the humidity and sun. Ben banged on the door loudly, hearing his uncle’s voice inside, shouting his acknowledgement with a curse and a promise that he was coming. He turned back to survey the yard once more, wondering why the man didn’t just hire a caretaker or something. He’d never seen the place look like such a fucking mess before.

The door swung open with a suddenness, and Ben’s attention snapped back to his uncle. Luke was wearing grey sweatpants and a navy blue shirt. The faint smell of marijuana drifted from the house, and he wondered if his uncle had already smoked a little before his morning meditations. “Got a minute?”

Luke looked puzzled, staring back at Ben with narrow eyes and a furrowed brow. “What the hell are you doing here? Rey dump you already?”

Ben snorted. “Not yet. Mother stole her for sight-seeing.”

“Oh… well I suppose I’m not surprised. She seemed a bit disappointed about you two staying at Holdo’s instead.” Luke still hadn’t let him in, and was instead leaning against the door frame with his arms folded. “Why aren’t you writing?”

“I’m stuck. Wasn’t really in the mood for that.”

“Oh… well… come on in, I guess.”

Luke moved out of the way as Ben squeezed past him, immediately walking into the living room that looked smaller than his fucking bedroom in London. Books were piled everywhere, while several shelves were stuffed with treasures from Luke’s traveling. Little clay people in traditional garb, brightly colored bowls that were undoubtedly hand painted, and carved stone made to look like various animals.

Light was streaming into the small space, but the room looked rather dismal and dusty. Just a brown leather couch, plain wood coffee table, and a small flat screen. His uncle was living like a pig. “Nice… place.”

His uncle snickered, plopping down on the couch. “I’ve been meaning to clean the place up, but the back has been giving me trouble. I’m not the spry, young man I used to be.”

“Luke… you do realize there are people you can hire for shit like this? Like a maid.”

“And allow him or her to move shit around so I can’t find anything? No thanks. You’re more like your mother than you realize. Always fussing and worrying.”

He would have argued, but he knew how his mother was with Luke. There was an instinctual protectiveness in the way Leia treated her twin. He was more than just a brother. They’d shared the same living space for nine months, and the bond created in their mother’s belly wasn’t easily broken… even if they had spent much of their childhood unaware of each other.

Ben joined him on the couch and stared off at walls that used to be white. He was fairly certain the yellowish color came from smoking. It was a wonder he hadn’t seen any roaches or spiders crawling in corners and shadows. The moment he sat down a white and grey cat hopped up onto the coffee table. “Arty! Get down! You know better than that!” Luke scolded.

The cat’s eyes looked upon it’s owner with distaste, but he eventually obeyed and chose Ben’s lap as a suitable replacement. It just fucking figured… he was wearing black today. He shooed Arty off him, grumbling about the cat hair as he wiped off his lap. The cat meowed in protest before running off. Why did it always feel like that damn cat was cursing at him? “How is that damn beast still alive? Isn’t he like thirty at this point?”

Luke chuckled. “I got him when you were a kid… so no. He’s an old man, but not quite at the end of his life. Now tell me about your writing woes.”

Fuck, where to begin? He’d been trying to figure out a way for Kira to see Kylo’s humanity… allow them to talk without the opportunity to try and kill each other. He knew he’d eventually come up with something, but it wasn’t actually the story that was giving him headaches. Not really. “Rey told me she loved me.”

“Oh.” That was it? That was all his uncle had to say?

“I didn’t say it back.”

Ben waited for a response, and when the waiting became too much he finally turned his head towards Luke. “Kid… you are one gigantic dumbass.”

It sounded like the kind of thing Lor would tell him, and he couldn’t hold back his laughter. He let his head fall back against the cushion with a sigh. “I know.”

“How pissed is she?”

“I dunno… she’s hard to read sometimes.” They’d been fucking like rabbits despite the tension between them, and Rey didn’t hold back from repeating her feelings in the heat of the moment. “I just can’t seem to get the words out.”

“Do you love her?”

“Of course I do!” He didn’t even have to think about it.

“Well, you just managed to tell me… that’s a start.” Ben watched as Luke reached over towards the coffee table, taking a sip of his tea. How he drank hot tea in the summer was beyond Ben’s comprehension. It was too fucking hot. “Did I ever tell you about the time Wedge and I-”

“Probably,” Ben interrupted. He’d been subjected to Luke’s stories all his life. They used to be exciting… until it got repetitive. He could probably tell them just as well as his uncle could.

“Well okay, smartass. Fine, no stories. You want the truth? You want to know what I think?”

What did he have to lose? “Hit me.”

Luke stared back at him with a deep frown. “You don’t know what hell love is. You think you do, but the best example you have is your parents, and they’ve been a mess far longer than you’ve been alive. You’re a lost cause and you know it. You want her in your life on _your_ terms, and that’s just not how it works. So what do you do? You take control the only way you know how. You ruin it before it can ruin you.”

“It’s already ruined me,” he protested. “From the moment we met it’s been a nightmare! S-She just has a way about her! She worms her way inside when you aren’t looking. She cut down my defenses in seconds and I don’t know how to rebuild!”

“So don’t. Leave them down.”

“I can’t fucking do that!” Ben leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as he let his head drop into his hands. “I can’t let her go and I can’t stop pushing her away.”

Luke dropped a hand on Ben’s back, giving it a pat before he got up. “I can’t save you, Ben. I can only make you a cup of tea.”

“Not very helpful.”

“Wasn’t really trying to be. You just want to talk, and you need someone to listen. Now how about that tea?” Luke was already grunting with the effort to stand up. He walked around the maze of books without even looking down, holding his empty mug as he headed towards the kitchen.

Ben rolled his eyes. “Cold water instead. Mind if I use your bathroom? I gotta take a piss.”

“You know where it is!” 

Ben stood, trying to be careful not to step on anything as he made his way to the bathroom. He’d almost been afraid to go inside, for fear that it was just as filthy as the rest of the house. He was pleasantly surprised to smell bleach when he walked in. The tiles were still white, and everything had recently been wiped down. Now if only his uncle could keep the rest of the house this clean.

He was just about to walk to the toilet when he saw it. The medicine cabinet was left slightly open, and curiosity got the better of him. He saw it in his peripheral. A pill bottle, a brownish orange color, with a white twist top. He opened the cabinet more and reached inside, reading the label… and suddenly it was like everything stopped. His body went numb and he couldn’t fucking breathe. Oxycodone. It was _fucking_ oxycodone. Who the hell would prescribe him this? Or was it even obtained legally?

He swung the door back open before he could even think. His hand gripping the bottle with enough force to make his fingers ache. Luke walked over to him, holding the glass. “That was quick.”

All Ben could do was hold up the bottle. He couldn’t speak just yet, his heart pounding in his chest. Part of him begging Luke to tell him it was a mistake, that this wasn’t what he thought it was… that the label was wrong. Anger and disappointment were already grabbing hold before he could fight it down. Luke’s eyes shifted to the bottle, and Ben watched his shoulder’s slouch. 

“It’s not what you think… it’s just for the bad back.”

“Does your doctor know he prescribed drugs to a recovering addict?” he questioned through clenched teeth.

Luke rolled his eyes. “I can handle it, Ben!” he snapped. “Don’t overreact.”

“Overreact?! OVERREACT?!” Ben couldn’t believe his ears. He watched Luke huff and walk away, back towards the couch. Solo was hot on his heels, standing over his uncle from the other side of the couch. He’d knocked over several books in the process, but he didn’t give a damn. “Do you have _any_ idea how many people have fallen into addiction because of this shit?! How many people overdose every year?! It’s an opioid, and it’s the last FUCKING thing you need!” 

Luke’s eyes narrowed coldly as he looked up at his nephew. “Get the hell out of my house if this is how you plan to behave,” he growled.

Ben froze, staring back at his uncle in disbelief. All those years of fighting to get clean and it was all for nothing! When Ben was a boy… Luke Skywalker was a hero… _his_ hero. Now all he saw was a broken man too weak to keep fighting. It felt like a betrayal somehow, like he’d been stabbed through the heart and left bleeding.

He threw down the bottle, watching it smash against the coffee table and send pills flying. “Dammit, Ben!” his uncle shouted, scrambling to clean up the mess. The piles of books were next. Shoving them down and kicking anything that landed on his foot.

“Go to hell, Luke. This whole family is a fucking joke,” he spoke, his voice far too soft for what he felt inside. 

Ben unlocked the door and swung it open, not even bothering to shut it as he made his way to the rental and fished out his keys. This was the last straw. He’d had enough. He wanted to go home. Get as far away from everything as he possibly could. When he’d come back to America… he’d been searching for answers. It felt like he’d finally gotten them. He didn’t belong here. He couldn’t handle it… not anymore, maybe he never could.

Ben was sick of being a product of his family’s mistakes. It was time to let the past die. He wanted more.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmm... please don't kill me in the comment section....


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit! It's a surprise update! I still can't believe I managed to get this chapter finished so fast, but comments do make it a lot easier! lmao

It was on Ben Solo’s eighth birthday party that his father broke his first promise. He was used to his father being away from the family, sometimes disappearing for weeks at a time. He’d drawn a picture of everyone for Han to take with him, pathetic stick figures, but it had made his father smile. Just days before the party he’d sat his son down and promised nothing would stop him from seeing his son turn eight. Apparently, Scotland had decided to take on the challenge. All flights were grounded due to dangerous weather conditions. Ben hadn’t taken it well.

He’d broken down at the party, practically sobbing when his mother told him the news. She’d immediately glanced up at the guests and apologized for the display. Ben still remembered his mother gathering him in her arms and taking him upstairs away from prying eyes. 

_‘You know your father would be here if he could.’_ Somehow those words hadn’t been especially comforting. They sat on the bed for nearly ten minutes as she tried to get him to calm down. _‘Do you know what I do, when I feel really sad?’_

_‘What?’_ Ben had asked, rubbing at his eyes.

_‘Well, when I was about your age… I would imagine that I was a Princess. Head-strong and formidable. Nothing, not even these kinds of disappointments could ever get me down.’_

Ben’s head had dropped into her lap and he’d felt his muscles relax as she rubbed his back. _‘And it helped?’_

_‘Every time! You see a Princess knows that sometimes it’s necessary to set aside how we feel and put on a brave face. It’s okay to be sad, but we don’t show it. We’re better than all that! We have to be. Others simply wouldn’t understand… or care.’_

_‘Do you think it would work for me too?’_ he’d asked thoughtfully, turning to stare up at his mother. _‘I could be a Prince… since you were a Princess?!’_

_‘You would make a dashing Prince. I bet he’d be quite charming no matter how he felt inside.’_

He’d nodded so eagerly, falling into the persona in seconds. _‘No one ever knows how he feels. He’s too powerful and tough!’_ The idea appealed to him. To shove aside every painful emotion and become something higher… better than the weak little boy crying for his daddy.

_‘You know… a Prince would march right back down those steps and have the time of his life. All those people are waiting for you. We wouldn’t want to disappoint them, now would we?’_

Ben firmly shook his head. _‘Call me Prince Ren!’_ he’d proclaimed, rolling off his mother and standing tall. He beamed back at her as she laughed and tucked the hair behind two very large ears.

_‘What a brave boy, you are, Prince Ren. My brave little boy.’_

He’d tried to be brave. Brave in front of cameras. Brave in front of journalists. Ben had worked extra hard to make the world believe nothing was ever wrong. The older he got, the better he was at pretending… only somehow he’d found himself pretending all the time. Not just at parties or among friends… but at home too. No one ever saw little Ben Solo turning into something else, cause that was the point. They weren’t meant to see it. He’d hardened into stone… jagged and distant. 

Every once in a while he’d feel an emotion too strong to be repressed. It came out in these little fits… breaking toys or shoving his desk to the floor so he could be sent away from class. The newspapers could be cruel, and those moments of weakness never failed to disappoint his parents. Lor introduced him to writing in the hopes of balancing him out, and it helped… sometimes. 

His mother was right in that no one cared. It was always about a story, never a person. The first girl he’d ever built up the nerve to ask out sold a picture of them kissing for a couple hundred dollars… to his mother’s political rival. His _first kiss_ … it was in a fucking tabloid for the entire world to see. That was when he started to hate people. Pulling away from the world, resisting friendships… relationships even as he yearned for both. He’d gotten so used to ignoring how he felt that it became second nature. The only person who saw what was happening wasn’t even in his fucking family. Lor San Tekka.

The drive back to Holdo’s house felt like the longest of Ben’s life. He couldn’t get there soon enough. The moment he arrived he rushed inside and up the steps. He set to packing his clothes, and Rey’s as well. He could buy two tickets home. Get the hell out before he lost what little sanity he had left. All Ben wanted was to escape this hell. Forget his family. Forget the life and circumstances that had turned him into a heartless bastard.

All he could think about was Rey. She’d found him on a rooftop seconds from smoking his first cigarette in months. She’d been the answer to questions he hadn’t even had yet. Her view of the world felt far too innocent and naïve, but it did open his eyes to things he’d never actually considered before. Things like having a friend. Things like falling in love. Rey was his inspiration… no… she was his _muse_.

He almost laughed at the idea of missing people like Lor and Finn, but he did. He really did. Ben missed chilly English weather that the British never failed to grumble about. He wanted to get lost in a sea of people who didn’t recognize him, and spend hours in the park scribbling notes for his books. London had been a fresh start; the fresh start he’d desperately needed. He missed who he was there… how much freer he felt.

He heard the front door just seconds after he’d zipped up Rey’s suitcase. Ben heart skipped a beat as Rey shouted for him from down below. She was back. He gripped both cases and yanked them off the bed. He’d left the door open and carefully maneuvered the bags out the guest bedroom and down the steps, setting them aside by the front entrance. “Ben!”

Ben turned around just as Rey pulled him down for a kiss. The caress of her lips against his felt like a dream after a series of nightmares. He savored the moment of relief. Her eyes were so full of excitement and he wished he could feel the same. “I’m guessing you enjoyed your time with my parents?”

She nodded enthusiastically. “We’re going out to dinner tonight! Leia made a few calls after she learned about my sculpting! I had a few pictures on my phone and she was so impressed! Apparently, she knows a few senators that might be interested in purchasing some of my recent work! I can’t believe it! I met so many people today that work for your government! People I’ve only ever seen on the BBC!”

Ben’s face fell the more she spoke and gushed about her plans. He hadn’t quite counted on this. “Oh… dinner? Tonight?”

Rey frowned, finally noticing his hesitation. “Tomorrow Han and Leia want to take me to see the monuments… maybe squeeze in a museum if you’d like to come. I know it’s all rather dull and boring considering you grew up here, but I missed you so much today.”

He pulled her in his arms and lowered his forehead to rest against hers. His eyes drifted closed as he tried to take a calming breath. He was still shaking from his argument with Luke. It wasn’t even anger boiling in his blood. The rage had evaporated almost the moment he started packing. “I missed you too. You’ve no idea how much.”

Rey’s right hand slid up between them, fiddling with the collar. “Ben, what’s wrong? You look upset.”

Years of keeping family secrets prevented him from saying anything. As angry as he was about Luke… it felt wrong to expose his uncle’s weaknesses. Or maybe he was just an idiot who didn’t know the difference between what _felt_ wrong and what was _actually_ wrong. Either way, he didn’t want to burden her with his concerns. His mind was already conjuring the likely outcome of that mess, and each scenario made him feel more and more helpless. “I need to talk to you… a-about dinner… about your plans.”

“Yes?” Rey pulled away, staring up at him, she looked so apprehensive.

His hands squeezed her hips, as if to make sure she was really in his arms. He felt like a selfish bastard, but he needed her to understand why he couldn’t stay. “Something’s come up and I need to get back home.”

“To London?”

Ben nodded. “It can’t be helped.”

“What could possibly be so important?” Rey questioned, her fretful gaze slowly shifting to frustration. He forced himself to let her go as she pulled away and folded her arms.

Ben couldn’t stop thinking about Luke diving to the floor after pills. Suddenly the mess of his house made a lot more sense. Who gave a shit about a well maintained lawn when they were too busy popping pain killers? The bad back wasn’t an excuse when he had more than enough money to hire someone else to do the work. Just thinking about it made him feel agitated. The sting spread through-out his chest and made it hard to breathe; cutting away at his soul just like all the other terrible secrets he held onto.

“Ben? What’s happened? Just tell me what’s going on.”

Rey brushed away a tear he hadn’t even realized was falling. He blinked back the rest and shook his head. “I… I just really need to go. It was a mistake coming here! I thought being back would give me some clarity, but I was wrong. Instead of buying a fucking ticket to America, I should have been taking you to bed. I never should have left that night when you first kissed me!”

He’d let his anxieties get the best of him. He’d wasted so much time pushing Rey away instead of pulling her close. Ben didn’t want to be like his uncle or his parents. He wanted to be like his grandfather. He wanted to be the kind of man who would risk everything for love… even his sanity. Anakin Skywalker was nothing but a stain on his family’s reputation, but not to Ben. To Ben he was a man beaten down repeatedly, a victim of tragedy, but he was also a man who’d been unafraid. He’d faced war and love with the same determination. It wasn’t Anakin’s fault that the world could be cruel.

“Is this about your parents? What is your problem with them? What could they have possibly done to make you hate them so much?”

“I don’t hate them!” Ben insisted. “It’s not that simple!”

“Then explain it to me, Ben! Leia has been nothing but kind and welcoming to me! I’ll admit your father can be a bit crass, but he’s also… sweet in his own way. You remind me of him so much.”

Ben found himself floundering in the wake of Rey’s demands. How did someone convey these feelings burning like acid in his veins? His father was almost a stranger to him. His mother had spent more time trying to ‘handle him’ than raise him. His uncle was a lonely mess, shrouding his selfishness in a sharp wit and whimsical stories. He could say the words or write them down, but nothing would ever express the depth of that hurt. It would just make him sound ungrateful.

“Why do you keep doing this?” Rey shook her head and backed away, leaning against the railings of the steps. “Why can’t you just talk to me? Why does everything feel like pulling teeth? The only time I ever see your tongue loosen is when you’re discussing works of fiction. Why?!”

It was easier to talk about Kylo Ren. It was easier on his mind. He didn’t fully understand Ben Solo, but Kylo always made sense. “I don’t know how to answer that,” he admitted, feeling his face flush with embarrassment. There was something so humiliating about confessing this flaw. It made him feel inept… more like a foolish child than a man.

“Figure it out, Ben! For once in your life… _talk to me_!” Rey snapped. The words stung more than he would have expected, but the tears in her eyes softened the blow. It felt like he was seeing Rey for the very first time. The woman underneath the persona of optimistic charm.

“It doesn’t work like that, Rey! I don’t come pre-packaged and perfect!”

“Neither do I!”

“Could have fooled me,” he mumbled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

Fuck. None of this was going the way he’d hoped. He shouldn’t have said that. “It means I don’t know how to read you, Rey! I feel like I’m only scratching the surface and it scares me! Do you have any idea what it feels like to need someone that you barely know?!”

“Yes, Ben… I do! The same way it felt when I told you ‘I love you’ and you didn’t say it back!”

If there was one thing he’d learned about Rey… it was that she wasn’t afraid to fight dirty. Ben physically staggered back as if his jaw was throbbing from her blow. The mask was completely torn away… and the light in Rey’s eyes looked a shade too dark. He felt poisonous… just as toxic as his family. Luke was right. He didn’t know a damn thing about love.

Rey looked away from him. Perhaps she was just as embarrassed as he was. They were both fools trying to navigate something they didn’t understand. This pull between them was so strong, but they weren’t ready for it. Ben wondered if they ever would be. He’d been so busy seeing Kira in her eyes that he’d never really noticed Rey.

“The first time I felt close to you was when you showed me your arms.” Rey’s eyes flickered back up to Ben’s. “Those beautiful scars… the most precious thing I’ve ever seen.” His finger reached out between them to caress the cloth that covered her burns. “I wish it was just as easy for me to show you mine.”

“Scars aren’t just skin deep, Ben.”

His hand dropped back to his side. “No… I suppose not.” It was like the cut above my eye… that sure as hell dug down deeper than he’d ever thought possible. Ben ran a hand through his hair, and licked dry lips. “Come back home with me, Rey. I-I know I’m asking a lot, but I just really need you right now. I don’t know how else to say it yet.” Another tear escaped him, hitting the corner of his lips; he could taste the saltiness of it. “ _Please_.”

Rey’s eyes hardened, refusing to look at him. “I’m not at your beck and call, Ben. You dragged me out here and now suddenly you want to run back with your tail between your legs, and I’m just supposed to follow like some love-sick puppy! That’s not how relationships work, Ben. I’ve made other plans,” she replied, her voice so cold he felt numbed by the response.

His heart seemed to give out in his chest, and in that moment he felt truly alone. He couldn’t force her to be with him, not even when he felt like he needed her the most. Ben reached down for his suitcase, nodding his head. “Right, of course, you’re right.” He couldn’t stand in the way. He was being selfish. Fucking things up like he always did. He could never get it right. Ben leaned down slowly and closed his eyes as his lips pressed against her forehead. _I love you._ “I guess I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Ben….”

He didn’t respond, just turned and walked away, exiting out the front door only to pause as he realized his parents had just pulled up. They were probably here to pick up Rey for dinner. Leia climbed out of the car first, her smile wide until she saw his packed bag. “Going somewhere, Ben?”

“Back to London,” he told her stiffly.

“What?! Why? What about Rey? She was so looking forward to dinner!”

“She’s staying,” Ben assured her. “I want you to show her a good time.” He set his bag down the moment he was standing directly in front of his mother and fished out his wallet. Inside were quite a few large bills he’d planned to use for shopping with Rey. “Do you mind taking care of her for me?”

Leia’s eyes softened. “Of course… we’re already half in love with her anyway.”

His smile lacked any real feeling behind it, but his mother didn’t seem to notice. “You wouldn’t be the first.” He handed his mother the money just as his father exited the Falcon.

“Where the hell is he going?”

“He has to get back to London, Han,” Leia answered. “We’re being tasked to look after Rey in his absence.”

Han leaned against the car, hands shoved in his pockets. “Kinda sudden… you only just got here.”

That was his father. He liked to go with the flow. He never asked questions, just made curious statements and waited for the other person to explain or brush it off. Ben wasn’t in the mood for explanations. He grabbed his suitcase and walked over to the rental, shoving it in the back. His mother followed behind him and Ben paused, staring down at the leather seats. There was a question on the tip of his tongue. Like this spark of hope that could only have come from his time with Rey. Did Leia know about Luke? Was there something she could do for him? “Mother?”

When he turned around she tilted her head to the side, looking up. “Yes?”

“How’s Uncle Luke been? With his bad back and everything? He wasn’t quite himself last time I saw him.”

He saw it immediately. A flicker of regret that was quickly smashed down and crushed into whatever dark corners were best for keeping secrets. “Luke is doing just fine, sweetheart. He always finds his way. Trust me.”

He didn’t. He never could. That was the problem. “Good… that’s a relief.”

*******

It wasn’t until the next morning that his plane landed in Gatwick. Lor San Tekka was waiting for him even though Ben had assured the old man he could take the train into London. Maybe he’d heard something in Solo’s voice… he was usually pretty good at seeing through Ben’s bullshit. Either way, he’d insisted on picking Ben up. ‘No’ wasn’t an answer he’d accept. Ben shocked himself and Lor by wrapping his arms around the bastard. It just felt really good to be home.

“Am I dying then?” Lor teased as he pulled away, making Ben snort. “Is the world ending?”

“Isn’t it always?”

Lor shrugged. “No… not always. Sometimes it’s just the heavens that burn. Come along, son… my dearest wife has breakfast waiting.”

“They gave us something on the flight.”

“Yes, but I’m talking about feeding you something edible.”

Again Ben found himself smiling despite everything. He rolled his eyes and followed Lor outside to the parked car. He waved the old man away when Lor tried to help him with his luggage, shoving it into the boot of the tiny vehicle. It was raining hard and the sound eased the tension in his muscles immediately. There was something comforting in the sound of rainfall. It was such a simple sound, but it made all the difference.

They both climbed into the car and pulled off towards the motorway. It would be awhile before they made it into London, and there would definitely be some heavy traffic. “Do you plan on telling me what happened now, or once we’ve reached the house?”

“What’s the point? You’ll just call me a dumbass and then grumble for a half an hour about where you went wrong.”

“Oh I know exactly where I went wrong! I’ve been a terrible influence… turned you into _me_ ”

As much as he usually ‘enjoyed’ these moments, Ben didn’t much feel like playing verbal tennis. “There’s worse things I could have become,” he whispered, his mind drifting to the stories in his books and the monster who struggled to be a hero.

Lor grew quiet for once after that, his eyes sneaking glances at Ben before he’d return his focus back to the road ahead. The rain made it hard to see, and Ben pressed his head against the glass watching it fog up with every breath. The windshield wipers were whipping back and forth, but they couldn’t handle this much rain pouring down. Everyone was driving careful and slow, with a few exceptions… the idiots smart enough to get a license but too stupid to know what to do with it. 

“Lor?” he finally spoke, lifting his head off the glass. “I think I fuc-”

“Have you ever seen _Barefoot in the Park_ , Ben?” the old man interrupted just as the car slowed to a stop. There must have been an accident, not a surprise in this weather. The rain was only coming down harder, and the clouds looked angry as hell.

“What?”

“ _Barefoot in the Park_ … staring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford, came out in the late sixties. It’s a delightful little film about a married couple who couldn’t be more dissimilar! It was written by Neil Simon… oh how I loved his work! He had a real gift. He knew a thing or two about love!”

Ben quirked an eyebrow at Lor, almost scared to see where the bastard was going with all this. “I don’t recall ever seeing it.”

Lor shook his head, peaking up at the falling heavens above through the front windshield. By the time he looked back at Ben, he seemed disappointed, as if somehow Solo had unknowingly committed a great sin. “It’s meant to be a comedy, but there’s a depth to it that most never consider. It’s not just about a silly marriage. It’s a study on how fixed attitudes create conflict. The young man is a lawyer that clings to control and logic, and his wife is a free-spirit that clings to her hopes and dreams. Corie wants to walk barefoot in the park, and Paul wants to wear gloves when it’s cold outside.”

“I’m… not following.” Lor always had an odd way of giving advice, but this seemed unusual even for him.

“Of course you’re not following! You’ve never seen the movie!”

“Then why bring it up?”

“Because _six days does not a week make_!”

“What the fuck does that mean?” he questioned, puzzled.

“I haven’t a clue!” Lor answered with a laugh, settling back in his seat as traffic began to move. This whole conversation was going nowhere. The old man had finally lost it. It was bound to happen eventually. When Lor saw the look on Ben’s face he immediately rolled his eyes. “It’s a line from the movie, Ben.”

Ben’s eyes narrowed, getting a bit tired of these games. “Is there a point to all this?”

“The point is to watch the damn movie. Consider it a lesson in love. Being your tutor is a difficult habit to break, and you know how I feel about breaking habits… I detest it.”

“You want me to analyze a romantic comedy from the sixties? Somehow that’s supposed to solve all my problems?”

“Changed my life.”

“You’ve been married more times than I can count!”

“Yes, but that’s the thing about love… it only changes you if you let it. You know how I feel about change.”

Ben smiled, dropping his head back to the glass. “You detest it.”

“I most certainly do,” Lor confirmed.

The thing about Lor San Tekka, the thing that always drove Ben nuts, was he never spoke nonsense unless there was a reason. If Lor wanted him to analyze a movie, he knew eventually he would. He’d do it because that’s how Lor taught. He taught through quirky poems or classic novels… and occasionally romantic comedies. Ben wouldn’t understand until he watched the damn movie. He wouldn’t learn the lesson until he analyzed the story.

“It’s on Netflix by the way. I just recently watched it.”

Ben let out a long-suffering sighed. He really should have taken the god damn train….

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think it's important to stress the fact that Ben was born with a spotlight hanging over him, and Leia lived much the same way. Leia's way of handling problems is very much a product of her upbringing. We saw that even in the movies when she failed to show the pain of losing an entire planet and her family in one day. Ben tries to follow his mother's example, but he doesn't quite manage. He's been taught to keep secrets and have a certain mistrust for others for survival. There really is a reason he's a mess. That kind of pressure could make anyone explode. Anyway, I'm curious to see what you guys think of this chapter. I wanted to incorporate that moment when Kylo and Rey separate in TLJ. I thought this would be an interesting way to do it.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Consider this a Valentine's Day gift to werewolf-queen for being such a great bestie! I miss you on Tumblr, kid! Figures that on Valentine's day I'm posting a chapter in which Rey and Ben aren't even in the same country....

_Six days does not a week make._ Those words seemed to repeat in his head like an iPod shuffle with just one song. They were whispered as he practically inhaled Christina’s curry chicken. They grew louder as Lor insisted he stay and watch the damn movie with buttered popcorn and old bay seasoning that he’d smuggled back from Maryland. He spent the night tossing and turning in Lor’s guest bedroom, haunted by the sounds of Jane Fonda’s wails as she spat those words at her husband. _Six days does not a week make._

The sense of something incomplete clung to his bones till they were dry and brittle. An incomplete week. An incomplete relationship. An incomplete person. Not even a wife with all those hopes and dreams could hold on in the wake of her own insecurities. Not even a husband with logic and control could make sense of something as freeing as stepping outside his comfort zone. They weren’t prepared for what happened after those six days… five (or six) flights of stairs, the tiny bedroom that looked more like a closet, faulty pipes, and a hole in the fucking roof. Most of all, Paul and Corie… caught in a whirlwind romance… they weren’t prepared for the realities of marriage. 

What was it about opposites anyway? What was the attraction in that? All it did was create conflict! All the little things about Rey that left him baffled… like how she shined with confidence even when she was tugging on her sleeves self-consciously. A smile that was too perfect. Eyes that felt a little too bright. A London girl’s skin that was somehow sun-kissed. She wanted the world to see someone without flaws, and yet her biggest flaw of all was being attracted to an absolute mess.

He was no better. Every cruel word he’d ever spoken broke his heart even as he was saying it. Every time someone walked away, he swallowed down bitter regret and loneliness. He was a bastard and an asshole who wanted Finn to find love, for his uncle to get help… still held onto hope that his parents would get it right even as he’d shouted at them for still needing each other. Ben was the kind of man that refused to tell Rey he loved her, but made love to her every fucking time they were together. Hard outer shell, but he was so fucking soft in the middle. Fuck… Rey’d had him pegged from the very start.

What did it all mean? What was Lor trying to tell him? _Six days does not a week make._ Ben huffed against his pillow, punching his fist into it, and grumbling about the old bastard and his riddles. It was becoming an obsession that refused to settle. When he closed his eyes all he could see was Paul hanging off the side of a building trying not to fall before his wife could come save him. Suddenly she was the sensible one, and he was the whimsical fool. Sometimes love meant sacrifice… _‘you’ve just got to give up a little of you for him.’_ They’d had to meet in the middle to restore the balance. Restore their marriage bonds. 

Marriage bond… bond. Ben shot upright in bed as the idea struck him with such force he almost shouted. It came to him like in a vision, with more clarity than he’d felt in weeks, it’s brilliance making him bark with laughter in the dark like a mad man. It was perfect. It was brilliant. It would be like nothing anyone had ever seen before. BOND! It was more than fucking destiny! It was a god damn _bond_.

He threw off the covers, ignoring the bright clock that was trying to remind him that it was still only three in the morning, and he ought to be sleeping. He reached into his suitcase for his computer and walked out towards the dining table, putting his laptop down and typing away as if he’d been possessed. The key was in discovering how they would form such a bond. Kira and Kylo would need to be in close proximity for this to occur, around the time he’d kidnapped her… perhaps an ancient relic filled with mystical energy was the culprit? A Force pulling them together in this connection… this _bond_. A… a Force Bond!

This held so many possibilities! They’d need to be able to see each other… maybe even touch each other. It would take time for Kylo to explain himself, to reveal how he turned into the monster she thinks she sees. Finally… _finally_ he would have a chance to defend himself, to expose all that he’s endured, all the secrets he’s held onto for so long… unburden himself to the one person he might be able to trust. Their shared loneliness and compassion for each other would change everything, including Kylo’s struggle against Snoke. Finally he would have the strength to face his biggest fears. Kira would make him brave.

Maybe it was even time to take this story to a whole new level. The old ending had certainly been satisfying, but Snoke had long ago served his purpose. Kylo Ren needed to grow. He needed to step out from the shadows and be the man he was meant to be. Ben couldn’t keep holding him back. Whether Rey liked it or not, Kylo wasn’t just one thing. Not quite the hero and not quite the villain. There was a story waiting to be told, but he’d been too afraid to face that. It hadn’t been the right time. 

Kira was changing everything. She was more than just a love interest. She was an awakening, the first winds of change, the trigger. What came next would be a shock, a shot in the arm, a welcome twist in this story that he’d spent so many years developing. This was it, the key to helping Kylo Ren evolve! He finally knew where Kira belonged in this story.

“Ben?”

Ben’s head rose as he turned to see who was behind him, hands paused at the keys of his computer. He blinked in the dark as his eyes began to adjust. He’d been staring at a computer screen for far too long. The blinds were still closed, and the sun couldn’t possibly be up yet, could it? One glance back towards his computer and he realized he’d been up for almost four hours writing. Lor was walking down the small hallway in his robe, gray hair sticking up all over the place. “Lor?”

“What the hell are you doing up?” he questioned, voice still rough from sleep.

“I… I finally broke through my writer’s block. I needed to get it down before it slipped away. You?”

Lor grunted, puttering into the kitchen to make tea. “I’m old, Ben. If I’m not up every two hours to take a piss… assume I’m dead.”

Ben snickered, watching Lor pull out two mugs, and retrieve blueberry muffins Christina had made from scratch. The electric kettle heated the water to a boil, and he could hear it being poured and the chattering of glass plates. The faint smell of mint revealed what kind of tea Lor had chosen. “Who knew a romantic comedy from the sixties could light a fire under my ass?”

“I had much higher aims than breaking your writer's block, son.”

“Perhaps… but I’ve got to tackle one conundrum at a time… and frankly, finishing this book is a lot less complicated.” Maybe one day he and Rey could reach the same understanding. This time apart might be exactly what they needed… to gain some perspective, to reexamine how they’d fit together. Or maybe… like with Paul and Corie… maybe he just needed to get drunk and take off his fucking shoes.

*******

Ben hated shit like this, but Lor had given him the card, and that was saying something. He’d dismissed it in the past because it made him feel uncomfortable, but that was the point, wasn’t it? To step outside his comfort zone? Face his fears for once in his miserable life? It was just one session, to try it out. It wasn’t like he was making any lifetime commitments. He was under no obligation to see this through. Hell, he was lucky they could fit him in so soon. It was amazing how many doors opened when one had the finances to buy keys.

If nothing else, the décor was tasteful and subtle, making Ben feel more at ease. Everything was shaded in colors of dark reds… cherry wood furniture and warm leather. Books lined up the walls behind the therapist, and it was astounding to think every single one of them was focused on analyzing the mind. The secrets of the universe surely had to be contained in at least one of them. Ben was curious to find out which it would be.

Doctor Gladstone looked to be about Lor San Tekka’s age, with gray eyes, a subtle northern inflection in his accent, and skin so pale he made Ben feel better about himself. He was wearing dark brown slacks and a sweater vest just a shade lighter. A pale yellow tie was tucked away, and the jacket was tweed. Ben couldn’t help imagining him as Supreme Leader Snoke, with a cruel little smile and gravelly voice, digging into his mind to expose every weakness. 

They’d gone through his personal history covering everything from his grandfather’s mental breakdown to his court ordered anger management classes. Gladstone kept making subtle notes every time he answered a question, revealing small observations that left Ben feeling… exposed. Their conversation felt more fucking intimate than sex with Rey. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. 

The rest of the time was spent explaining the process of these therapy sessions… if he chose to continue them. He refused to fidget or squirm under the knowing gaze of the older man. Every time he looked into the Doctor’s eyes it felt like Ben was becoming less and less opaque. Gladstone called him on his bullshit even better than Lor… if that was possible.

Either way, it’d been enlightening, and the Doctor had waited towards the end of the session to ask his final question… and get to the heart of why Ben had come. He’d watched Gladstone set aside his notes and lean forward in the burgundy chair. “What exactly do you want from me, Mr. Solo? What is your aim?”

Ben swallowed, struggling to banish Snoke from his mind and see this man for who he was. When his anxieties finally seized hold of his vocal chords, he decided to lift his gaze over the Doctor’s shoulder and focus on the library of books. Books made him feel safe, were filled with all the words that seemed impossible to say out loud most of the time. “I... want to know how to tell people how I feel... properly.”

“You don’t feel like you communicate your feelings well?”

“I have a temper, I have my stories, hell… I even have sarcasm. None of that shit is ever going to help me be a better man.” He didn’t want to end up like his parents… or Luke.

Doctor Gladstone smiled, nodding his head as if Ben had spoken the magic words. “I think I can help.”

*******

It was just a first session, but somehow he felt lighter when he walked out of Doctor Gladstone’s office and back onto the street. In almost three days Rey would be back, and he knew he was going to have to face that, but at least he’d have some proof that he was making an effort. He wondered if Anakin would have had his mental breakdown if he’d had a support system like this in place before he lost his wife. No one really understood what these wars were doing to returning soldiers back then. PTSD wasn’t even a _thing_.

He’d had no plans for the rest of the day. Ben had spent almost all of yesterday writing, amazed to discover he’d be finishing ahead of schedule. Hux would be pleased. Solo had been sending him chapters, but not since leaving for America to visit his family. It felt good to have a break after so much productivity. 

He wasn’t really sure where he was walking. Ben put one foot down after another and just wandered for a while. Sometimes it was necessary to have moments like this… to walk simply for the sake of walking. He passed block after block, enjoying the cloudy day and the busy streets. Children being dragged by their mothers to activities. Men in business suits staring at their watches instead of watching where they were going. Beautiful women who smiled when he’d meet their gaze, looking every bit the predator and prey.

It wasn’t until the streets became more familiar that he realized he had a destination after all. Cowley street on Westminster, he used to come here an awful lot whenever his mother was in London. The large mansion loomed above him like a castle, making him feel impoverish by comparison. 

Mansion House was a spectacular restoration and refurbishment by Saigol DDC of a grand early 20th century building originally designed by Horace Field. It was full of fine Italian marble, had a built in spa and swimming pool; with views of Big Ben, the House of Lords, and Westminster Abbey from its rooftop terrace. He could call it research, if he went in for a visit. No one would think twice. No one would really question it. He’d just claim that he was looking for a little inspiration, but in the end… it wasn’t really Kira’s story that he was after... he knew without a doubt, it was Rey’s.

“BEN SOLO!”

The butler had let him in. The place was even more intimidating than Ben remembered with a wealth of striking period features meant to catch the eyes. He hadn’t really known what to expect considering how long it’d been since he’d come for a visit. Maz Kanata was slowly descending from the sweeping central staircase with all the grace of a queen. She was hunched over with a cane at her side, her dark skin wrinkled and hanging a little more than he remembered since the last time they’d seen each other.

“I haven’t seen you since you were a lanky, big eared, boy... and now look at you! So much change! Now you’re a lanky, big eared _man_.” If nothing else, Maz knew how to make a fucking entrance. Her clothes seemed far too ordinary for the house, dressed for work in a garden rather than a gown like he’d expect in this kind of place. His mother used to say she was determined to be unpredictable. Maz was capable of going to the grandest parties and setting the standard for regality and flair, but would still drag Leia to Ben’s Chili Bowl down on U street whenever she came to DC for a visit.

Ben laughed mostly out of respect, watching as she reached the last step of the lavish staircase. He was a little taken aback when she wrapped her arms around him warmly. “It’s good to see you again, Maz.”

“And you! How’s your parents?”

“Back together, I only just got home from seeing them.”

“Han had a dog... a delightful, hairy beast.”

“Chewie... but I’m afraid he passed away. They haven’t bought another one.”

“What a shame... I loved that big furball. I was just about to have lunch. Join me.”

“I couldn’t... I stopped by unannounced-“

“I like surprises. Especially handsome ones. Come along. I promise you won’t regret it. I try not to bite these days... not good for the digestion.”

Ben had always known Maz was an unusual woman. She’d made her money with the assistance of a clever mind rather than luck. Business men used to underestimate her, but her ability to understand complex algorithms and finance was bordering on the supernatural. He admired the way she treated others. She didn’t look down on people or make them feel like less. It was a house filled with servants, but every single one of them flashed Ben an easy smile. Half of them were probably ex-criminals that had been given a second chance. 

They were led into the dining room, which was long and large enough to give out a slight echo, with enough chairs for at least sixteen people. Everything was flashy and just as it should be. The only thing that didn’t quite fit in was the old woman wearing overalls as she climbed into her chair at the head of the table.

The butler pulled out a seat for Ben at Maz’s left, and servants soon appeared with salads that were placed before them both. “Their making me eat healthier... the nerve of them,” she grumbled, before diving in. Ben grabbed the salad fork and tried it. It was better than he would have expected, but if he was stuck eating it every day he’d probably grumble too. “So what brings you to me this fine afternoon?”

He’d already taken a bite, and needed time to finish chewing. “I believe we have a mutual acquaintance. Rey Jakobi?”

Maz paused, her fork hanging between her mouth and the plate. “That’s quite an acquaintance. She’s a very special girl.”

Ben flushed and looked away towards his plate. Maz was good at reading people, almost as skilled as Doctor Gladstone. One look and he knew she’d summon every puzzle piece, clicking it into place. It wouldn’t take long for her to understand what this was about. “She’s become the inspiration of a character I’m writing in my latest novel. The main character’s love interest.”

“And yours, no doubt.”

Ben choked on his salad as crushed leaf was sucked down the wrong tube. His cough echoing in the large room as he grabbed his water and drank. Well, that didn’t take long at all. “Uh... w-what?”

“Why else would a young man visit an old woman like me? It sure as hell isn’t to see my dazzling smile. If it makes you feel any better, I’m pleased as punch. That girl lights up my life whenever I see her. She deserves a sweetheart such as yourself.”

“I don’t know if I fit the bill... I... I’m not exactly ideal.”

“Han wasn’t ideal for Leia either, but the heart wants what the heart wants. You can try denying it, but it usually gets its way in the end.”

That didn’t fill him with much hope, being compared to his parents. It didn’t matter if they were trying again. A good beginning and end didn’t erase all the shit that’d happened in the middle. Ben stared down at his salad, poking at it glumly. “I’ve made lots of mistakes.”

“Oh good, perfection is a hard standard to live up to.”

“I need to make things right, but I’m not exactly sure how. I want to be able to give her what she needs.”

“And you think I might have some insight?”

Ben nodded, taking another sip of his water.

Maz’s eyes narrowed. She was studying him. Reading him like one of his books. There was no point in trying to resist it. She would either deem him worthy or she wouldn’t. Kanata finally dropped her gaze back to the salad on her own plate, moving it around her plate rather than taking a bite. She carefully loaded her fork with each vegetable, as if determined to create a well-balanced bite. 

“Her parents worked for me. I remember when that ray of sunshine was born. Little thing used to sit on my lap when she’d come to visit, though I doubt she remembers all that. They were diligent workers and I paid them well for it, but it wasn’t hard to tell something was very wrong. I preferred to mind my own business back then, a decision I regret to this day. Especially since it led to their deaths.”

Ben’s eyes widened, confused and shocked by her frankness. What could she have possibly done to prevent a car accident? “How?!”

“They were alcoholics... functioning alcoholics. By god... giving Rey’s father water would have surely killed the man with how much he drank. It didn’t affect me, so I never said a word, but I can’t help thinking the crash was partly my doing. When I found out that poor girl was in the car with them, it tore me up inside. I was relieved to find out Rey was saved before the flames could get her. She was the best part of those two anyway. They didn’t deserve her. They didn’t even appreciate her. The better you are at your job… the worse you get at all the rest.”

Ben found himself wondering what it must have been like to live in that environment. Watching her parents drink themselves to death, but being far too young to actually understand it. How many times was Rey left on her own? Forgotten or abandoned due to drink or demands at work? They’d been pretend parents, obviously capable of putting on a show, but behind closed doors… the masks were set aside. Then she’d just been left with a man probably even more irresponsible and unkind. It was no wonder she’d been eager to escape and make her own way, rather than endure one more second with people who treated her like shit.

“Is that why you chose to help her? She seemed to think it was luck that brought you into her life.” Ben thought back to Rey’s brief tour of her future work studio, still under construction, but sure to be made with the best materials. She’d been so damn proud to show him the space, excited about its potential, something he hadn’t really been able to see.

“In a way... I suppose I tried to ease my conscience. I don’t pretend to have much in the way of moral integrity, such things don’t belong in the business world. That doesn’t mean I don’t have a code of ethics. Not everything deserves to be hidden away in the dark. I learned that lesson well. Besides… Rey didn’t make it all that hard to help her. The kid’s got a gift. All she needed was the right connections and her works were selling like hotcakes.”

He found himself beaming at that, warmth filling the spaces in his chest where Rey had taken root. It felt refreshing to be in the presence of someone who understood and appreciated her potential. “I haven’t gotten the chance to see anything more than pictures, but I’m really not surprised.” 

Rey’s phone had been filled with sculptures made from gears and scraps, horses on their hind legs, faces with headlights for eyes… she’d breathed life into each creation somehow. He’d hoped to visit one day and just watch her work.

Maz took a bite of her loaded fork and chewed carefully. Her gaze was inquisitive, but not overly so… as if she had a question on her lips, but she was pretty sure she knew the answer. “Tell me something, Solo... why is this so important to you? What exactly are you after?”

“Her,” he responded without hesitation. “Understanding, insight, but mostly just _her_.”

Maz smiled softly, nodding her approval. “Good answer.”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look guys! It's Ben, but less idiotic! WE NEVER THOUGHT IT WAS POSSIBLE! Finn returns in the next chapter, and maybe if I get enough comments I'll manage yet another rapid update! You guys have been a huge motivation!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should have been posted ages ago, but my original idea was fucking garbage and nothing was working. I'd really wanted Poe in this chapter, but nothing I wrote felt right. I don't think you'll have much to complain about though...

“Where the hell have you been?!”

“Well… you’re not Chinese.” Ben stood at the cracked door with a quirked eyebrow, staring back into the angry eyes of Finn Winslow. The man looked positively livid… bordering on panicked. It was an odd combination, and he wasn’t quite sure why he was seeing it. 

Finn shoved the door open with aggressive force, and Ben jumped aside to avoid being trampled. What the fuck was Finn’s problem? “I spent the last three and a half days banging on this door, trying to call, text... hell, I even sent a god damn email! Why do you keep pulling this shit?! Where the hell have you been?!”

“I was at Lor’s... I... didn’t think it was a good idea to be alone so soon after... wait, were you actually worried about me?”

Finn huffed, and rolled his eyes, probably seconds away from denying it. His hands were on his hips now, taking in Ben’s disheveled state. He was standing by the front door in red and black plaid boxers and a faded black T-shirt. He’d spent nearly eight hours writing and binge watching the last few episodes of _Game of Thrones_. He hadn’t slept much since his writer’s block ended. Every time he closed his eyes he kept hearing Kylo whisper in his ear… telling him all the things that needed to be typed. 

“Rey told me you guys got into a fight and you fucking _left_ her… doing the exact thing I told you NOT to do! Abandonment issues, remember?” Ben’s eyes narrowed. He hadn’t forgotten, but it sure as hell hadn’t felt like he was the one doing the abandoning when he’d asked her to come with him and she’d refused. “I came to kick your ass, but then you weren’t here. It was Rey that started to get worried something had happened! We called!”

“I left my charger in Maryland. I only just purchased a new one. My phone’s been dead. I had no idea-“

“You could have at least sent a message from your tablet! It’s been _days_ , Ben! Rey is freaking out! I was freaking ou-” Finn paused, folding his arms. “I was freaking out about not being able to kick your ass, I mean.” Ben was practically shaking with quiet laughter, finding a sick sort of amusement in Finn’s ranting. His reaction only fueled his friend’s agitated state. “Stop enjoying this, you insensitive bastard!” 

Finn balled up a fist and hit Ben’s shoulder, barely any power behind it, but hard enough to sting. Solo’s smile faded as Finn’s eyes widened. He extended himself to full height, taking a step forward, and watching Finn step back. There was something especially satisfying about watching his friend twitch nervously. “Did you just hit me?”

“Are you gonna hit me back?” He looked like he already knew the answer.

“Thinking about it,” he answered. In the past he probably would have lashed out violently for such a small offense. He’d spent so much of his life on the edge, weighed down by an invisible chip on his shoulder. Only… he wasn’t the same person anymore, was he? He was a guy with friends. He was hopelessly in love with a girl and determined to ignore statistical probabilities that doomed their relationship before he even had a name for them. “I’ll let it pass... this time.” It was rather touching really, to see Finn so frantic. Not even his own parents had tried to check on him. Just Finn and Rey. Only them. “Want a beer?”

Finn looked so confused by Ben’s reaction, staring back at the taller man as if he’d grown extra heads. “Damn… does Rey have a magic vagina or something? You’re acting really weird.”

“I’m not acting weird.”

“Yes, you are. You look all calm… like one of those brainwashed crazies that joins a cult.”

“I haven’t joined a cult,” he responded with a roll of his eyes, reaching into the refrigerator to retrieve two ice, cold beers. The bottle opener was a magnet on his fridge and he used it to pop them open, handing one to Finn.

“Are you on drugs?”

That question… that question killed his good mood instantly. He’d been trying so damn hard to forget about his uncle. Perhaps if he kept writing he could pretend he hadn’t watched Luke scrounging on the floor for scattered pills, telling his nephew to get out. He hid the deep frown on his face by taking a sip of his beer and walking into the living room. Ben didn’t want to think about that. He still wasn’t even sure how to process it. 

He dropped onto his couch and took an even larger gulp. It was his first time trying the brand. He liked it… smooth, strong flavor too. Finn followed him to the couch, plopping down beside him, way too close for comfort. “It’s not like it’s outside the realm of possibility, Ben. You’re such a fucking basket case! Who knows what you’re capable of?”

“Killing you, if you don’t get off of me. I still don’t like being touched.” He was trying his best to be a better human being, but fuck… he hadn’t changed _that_ much. He let out a relieved sigh as Finn scooted away. He still wasn’t quite sure why the feeling put him off so much, why it made his muscles tense and his lungs forget to work. All his senses obsessing over a simple touch and insisting that it wasn’t natural… wasn’t good for him. For a moment he allowed himself to wonder if that’s why his father struggled to hug his own son.

“You let Rey touch you, apparently... quite a lot in fact,” Finn goaded.

“She was giving me orgasms. The only thing you give me is a fucking migraine,” Ben replied.

Finn sipped his own beer. “Heartless asshole….” _That_ was more like it. Ben snickered, his good mood restored. 

“Rey was seriously worried about me?” He hated how pathetically hopeful he sounded. They’d never actually defined their relationship since having sex. Rey had told Ben she loved him, but then they’d had that horrible argument and he’d fucking left her in America. Part of him was angry at her for staying, but another part of him was fucking pissed that he’d been stupid enough to leave her behind. Ben wouldn’t have blamed her for giving up on him after a stunt like this. The fact that she’d hung on as long as she had was a testament to her obstinacy.

“Yeah, but she also kinda wants to cut off your balls, so I would tread carefully.”

“Fair enough,” he sighed. Another sip. He really did like this beer.

“She decided to stay with your parents again. They’ve been showing her Washington and going to museums. She’s trying to have a good time, but I can tell all she’s thought about is you.” Ben could detect a tiny bit of disapproval in Finn’s tone.

Apparently, Rey wasn’t done with him, and he sure as hell wasn’t done with her. He came from a family full of addiction and weakness… and as he’d recently learned, so did Rey. They were used to a little mess in their lives. The consistency was almost comforting… in smaller doses. Perhaps Finn couldn’t quite understand all that. “How did her dinner go?” 

“Pretty good, I think. She has new clients that might be purchasing some of her latest works. They were literally willing to pay any price.”

His heart swelled with pride immediately. Maz was right. She really did sell her work like hotcakes. Rey was something special in more ways than one. What he did with words, she did with metal and a blowtorch. She understood passion and creativity. His bleeding heart lay exposed in Kylo Ren’s story. She used scraps from car crashes to make something beautiful, owning her personal tragedy with every single sculpture. “Of course they were willing to pay… she’s fucking amazing.”

Finn smiled at that, drinking his beer a little too eagerly. “Yeah… too good for the likes of you.”

Ben shrugged. “She seems determined to ignore that fact.”

“We all are,” Finn replied with a smirk.

Solo rolled his eyes, resisting the urge to elbow his friend in reply to such a smartass remark. “Enough about my love life, what about you and the sexy neighbor? Ever discover if he likes cock?”

He chuckled at the way Finn’s skin turned a shade darker, eager to turn the tables. “I found out he used to work in construction.” Huh… that sure as hell wasn’t encouraging. Did gay men even like construction? Or perhaps he was just unique? Not everyone had to be a walking stereotype. “It was his family’s business, but now he’s working in interior design.” Ben hated to attribute a career to sexual preference, but interior design was definitely a lot more ‘gay friendly.’ Being a walking stereotype wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, all things considered. 

“That’s it? That’s all you found out?”

Finn shrugged. “Bee Bee is a lot nicer if you carry treats in your pocket.”

“And you called me a fucking coward… what the hell are you doing? Waiting for your balls to shrivel up? Ask him out and get laid,” Ben growled. Finn was such a fucking hypocrite. He’d taken such pleasure in pointing out Solo’s own reservations about Rey, while harboring those same misgivings about Poe Dameron. They were _both_ cowards, but at least Ben had finally begun to conquer his fears. “And don’t give me shit about it being different because you like men. You and I both know that’s not the problem here.”

Finn twisted his torso to the side and looked over at Ben. “And what is the problem here?”

Ben took another large gulp of his beer, finishing it off, and set it down on the coffee table. “What happens if he’s gay? What happens if he’s gay, but he doesn’t want you? Or maybe he does want you, but just for a good fuck?” It wasn’t hard to guess what was going through Finn’s mind. The brain had a way of analyzing information, and for the most part it did its job well… until the subject matter got messy. Once anxieties and fears got involved it was like that same useful ability became something ugly and twisted. Ben knew this well because he lived it every day. He saw a little bit of himself in Finn’s eyes. “What do you do if you let them in and it all goes to hell just like every other relationship you’ve ever had? How do you recover from that? Is it better to live with never knowing, or to find out the answer and live with the consequences?”

Finn swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing, and he immediately dropped his gaze from Ben’s. “You sound like some chick in a romantic comedy,” he grumbled, his voice a little too soft.

Solo glowered and leaned back into the couch cushion. “If this is a fucking romantic comedy… it sucks ass.”

For once Finn grunted in agreement, finishing off his own beer. “I sure as hell ain’t laughing.”

*******

The house was too quiet. He’d tried almost everything to distract himself from that fact. Background noise from the TV, a little mood music as he wrote, even the occasional call to Lor or Finn just to talk. He didn’t know what to do with himself anymore. It was like he was starting to drift. It felt good to lose himself in Kylo Ren’s story, but it was getting harder and harder to face his own reality. He found himself clinging to fiction like a lifeline. Kylo Ren’s pain became his own, but at least he had control. He controlled the bad days and the good ones. All by his design.

His eyes would drift down to his phone. A blinking light signaling a missed call from Rey. He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t picked up. He’d wanted to hear her voice more than anything in the world, but it was the possibilities that kept him from accepting the call. Ben didn’t know what to say to her yet. Wasn’t sure how to tell her what was still building in his chest, this insidious thing that continued to wreak havoc for as long as it was kept in the shadows. 

His conversation with Maz had certainly given him insight, but sometimes ignorance was bliss. Rey talked about her parents like they were everything to her. In his mind he’d pictured angelic creatures that could do no wrong. It didn’t exactly line up with the truth, though. Was Rey fooling herself into believing the lie? Or had she held back those details on purpose? 

Ben found himself wondering if that was their future. Would she feed the beast inside of him, all the while pretending he wasn’t destroying her? Would she hide her scars from him? Scars he was the one inflicting? Rey was so damn forgiving. Her anger never lasted. She swallowed it down like nothing had ever happened. Every once in a while he’d seen the damage… like when she’d finally admitted to him how much it hurt when he hadn’t told her he loved her back.

What else was she locking away? What would it take to expose those secrets? It wasn’t like he didn’t understand. He was holding back just as much as she was. They talked to each other freely, but the words didn’t matter if they weren’t meaningful. He wanted _all_ of Rey. The good and the bad. The ugly scars and the spots of perfection. Perhaps he was being greedy, but for once that quality didn’t insight him to shame.

With all these thoughts jumbled inside him, it seemed a lot less painful to focus on Kylo Ren. In the world of fiction they were pulled together through the bond. At night under the stars… the glow of a fire lighting his face, he and Kira unburdened themselves quietly. They spoke of family and loneliness… how the past shaped them both. Experience was hard won, and it came with so much sacrifice.

There were moments when Ben would pause, rub at his eyes when he typed about Kylo’s uncle. He blamed the tears on exhaustion, but he knew better than that. It was becoming increasingly more difficult to face the fact that Kylo’s uncle would die in this story. It wasn’t in the original manuscript he’d presented to Hux, but it felt necessary now. As if he was giving life to his darkest fear, the only way he knew how to face it. By the time he looked at the clock he felt wrecked. It was nearly three in the morning.

Ben closed his laptop just as his tablet lit up. The ring broke the silence so suddenly he jumped. Rey’s icon greeted him as it continued to ring, and once again he hesitated to answer the call. He couldn’t avoid this forever. At some point they would need to do this, though he would have preferred to speak face to face. Video chats just weren’t gonna cut it. “Just answer it you fucking idiot,” he grumbled and swiped the green button.

Rey’s face appeared immediately. She was in bed, with only a lamp to light up her face. **“Ben?”**

She was so fucking beautiful. He lost the ability to speak for a moment. His chest ached as he realized how empty it felt to hold a tablet instead of her physical form. “Hey.”

She was chewing on her lip, his smile was faint and adoring. He loved it when she did that. He still wasn’t sure why. **“I tried calling several times. I even left messages. Why haven’t you responded?”**

He cringed at the question, knowing he was wrong to avoid her… avoid this. “I’m sorry, Rey. I guess I just needed more time to figure out what to say.”

**“Do you still need time?”**

Ben shrugged. “Maybe, but that wouldn’t be fair to you… would it?” Relationships were about compromise… giving up a little of himself to make her happy. Damn Lor and that fucking movie, but he still couldn’t get it out of his head.

It was worth it to see her smile. He’d done something right for once… said something right. **“I miss you.”**

“I miss you too.” Now why were those words so easy to say? There was only one word that needed replacing. _I love you too._

**“You look like shit, Ben.”**

Ben laughed, getting up from the office chair and cutting off the light. He carried his tablet down the hall towards his bedroom and collapsed into the sheets. He’d stripped off his shirt hours ago, leaving himself in only black boxers, his favorite due to the comfort. The weather outside had been warm today, and his apartment was hot enough to make him sweat. He held Rey over him and sighed. “I’ve been writing.”

Rey knew how easily he lost himself when he was on a roll. More than once she’d broken into his house just to make him eat or shower. Lor had done it once since Ben’s return from America. It made him feel like a child, but fuck… sometimes it was reassuring to see someone take notice. **“Are you eating?”** Yeah, just like that.

“I had take-out.”

**“Go to Lor’s for dinner tomorrow. You need better nutrients than the trash you’re probably eating.”**

“What are you, my mother?”

Rey shook her head. **“No, I’m the woman that loves you.”**

 _I love you too._ Ben watched her eyes narrow, saw the challenge there. If he tried to argue with her now he’d never win. “You mean… you’re my girlfriend?” It was something he’d been wondering since the moment they’d fucked. What was he supposed to call her now? He’d wanted to ask, but as with everything, he hadn’t had a clue how to bring it up.

Rey seemed surprised, her eyebrows rose and her lips twitched. **“Ben Solo with a girlfriend? Is he sure he’s ready for something like that?”**

Something witty and sarcastic was hanging off the edge of his tongue, habits died hard, and he felt like his heart had risen into his throat. “Only one way to find out,” he told her.

She seemed pleased with his answer. Her eyes brightening with something like hope. **“Will Ben Solo listen to his girlfriend about going to Lor’s?”**

“Most likely” he teased.

 **“You sound like a magic eight ball, Ben,”** she complained.

“All signs point to _yes_.”

Rey snorted, rolling her eyes. **“I hate you so much sometimes….”**

“I know.”

A comfortable quiet settled between them. They’d yet to address their fight, but perhaps that was something best left until she returned to London. It was only a few days until she was back, and there were things he needed to tell her, but it couldn’t be said like this. For now it was just reassuring to know they’d made progress in their relationship. It wasn’t just some unknown entity anymore.

Rey’s eyes glanced up towards something past her phone, then returned to the screen. She licked dry lips, and he watched curiously as her eyes darkened just a bit. **“Are you naked right now?”**

“I’m wearing boxers.”

**“What kind?”**

“Are you serious? Aren’t you back in my parent’s house?” She couldn’t mean to… fuck, there was no way.

**“The door’s locked and your parents are asleep.”**

Ben lowered the camera to give her a view of his boxers, and then tilted back up to his face. “I’ve never done this before.”

 **“It can’t be too difficult.”** Rey’s smile was turning wicked. **“Ask me what I’m wearing.”**

“What are you wearing?”

**“Your shirt.”**

“Wait, did I leave one behind? I thought I packed everything. Why the fuck are you wearing one of my shirts?”

Rey frowned, letting out a huff in frustration. **“Because… it smells like you, but that’s really not the point. I’m wearing your shirt… and _only_ your shirt… as in nothing else… not even knickers.”**

“Oh.”

 **“Wow, you really aren’t very good at this,”** Rey muttered.

Ben immediately flushed, shoving down his boxers and kicking them off once they were at his ankles. He could see the disappointment in her eyes, and that simply couldn’t be allowed. He wasn’t really hard yet, but thinking about Rey in his shirt was certainly a pleasant thought. Perhaps it was just like roleplay? He just needed to embrace a different kind of character. “Convenient… you not wearing panties. If I was there they’d just get in the way when I shoved my fingers inside you.”

Rey’s eyes widened for a moment. **“What if I want more?”**

“More?”

**“What if I want your tongue?”**

Just the thought of fucking her with his tongue got his blood pumping. Idly his hand caressed his cock, encouraging it to get hard. “You like my tongue inside you, Rey? Licking at your dripping hole? Or better yet… my fingers fucking that tight little cunt of yours while I lick and suck your clit. I love watching you lose control, Rey. Knowing that with just the flick of my tongue I can make you call out my name like I’m some sort of deity.”

Rey sounded slightly breathless when she spoke. **“You send me straight to heaven every time you make me cum.”**

It hadn’t taken him long to start throbbing against his stomach, painfully hard. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to remember the way she’d squealed and rolled her hips against his mouth. It was hard to forget the taste of her, the smell… how she’d squeeze his fingers every time he stretched her open wider. “Are you touching yourself, Rey?”

She nodded, and he immediately bit back a moan as she lowered her phone to show him her fingers. They were spreading open her outer lips. The middle finger sliding inside. He was sure she was wet, but he needed to hear her say it.

“Are you wet?”

 **“Yeah.”** Her voice was distant and faint. He watched as she rubbed against her clit. He knew he could do so much better. Her fingers would never compare to his.

Ben let go of his cock and reached blindly into the bedside table drawer for lotion. He never really did anything like this, but he kept it nearby just in case. His eyes remained on the screen, watching her play with herself. Her hips were squirming and rocking against her hand. She was so responsive. “Fuck, Rey… that’s it. Show me how you like it.”

She was rubbing her clit so roughly, desperate for a quick orgasm. Perhaps she was too worked up for patience. He didn’t mind. Ben flicked open the lotion, propping up his tablet for a second so he could pour a generous amount in his hand. Rey wasn’t making much noise, probably trying to stay quiet and not wake up his parents. Her middle finger was joined by another, stretching her wider, while her palm pressed against her clit. **“Ben,”** she whimpered… he barely heard it, but he knew that’s what she’d said.

He gripped his cock firmly, eyes rolling back in his head for a moment as he started to stroke himself. There was something strangely erotic about watching Rey while he pleasured himself. Knowing she was thinking about him… just as he was thinking only of her. “Make yourself cum for me, Rey. I wanna see you cum.”

She was moving her hand faster. She’d tilted up the camera so he could see a little more of her, legs flung open wide… displayed for him. Back arched. Fuck, he wished he could replace her fingers with his own. He wanted to touch her, kiss her, feel her underneath him. His own hand was moving faster and faster, twisting towards the head till his balls began to tighten and he felt tension deep in his gut.

“That’s it, Rey,” he encouraged breathlessly. “Do it… fucking do it. Such a beautiful little pussy. Show me what you want. I need to see you cum, sweetheart.”

His words must have triggered something, because he heard her sigh and almost drop the phone. Everything went black for a moment, and by the time his view returned her legs had snapped together and her hand was trapped in between them. His hand pumped even harder, eyes fluttering closed as he imagined cumming inside her pussy… or maybe her mouth… over her tits. Fuck, any of those options would do him just fine. Warm spent shot out onto his stomach and his hand. He grunted his release and felt the world spin. It was so good. Endorphins flooding his system as he let go of his cock and tried to breathe again. He was lost in a post-orgasmic haze for several minutes.

By the time he looked back at the screen Rey was staring at him. **“Ben?”** Her voice sounded soft and relaxed. Her eyes were shining like they usually did after good sex. **“May I ask a favor of you?”**

“What?” His voice had gone soft too. Now more than ever, he wished he could hold her. Nothing was more comforting than having her in his arms after.

**“Keep this call open… stay awhile? I haven’t really been sleeping since you left.”**

His smile faded for a moment, and he propped up the tablet beside him before reaching for a tissue to clean himself. He could shower and change the sheets in the morning, but for tonight the Kleenex did it’s job and he threw it away in the bin, rolling onto his side. He hadn’t been sleeping that well either. “Close your eyes, Rey. I’m not going anywhere… I promise.” _I love you too._

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This small bit of Skype sex brought to you by writer's block, my experience with long-distance relationships, and absolutely no control over what these characters wanna do. It's been my personal experience that some deep conversations are better had in person, but time makes it easier to forget how pissed off you are, and Rey has a habit of avoiding certain shit.  
> Right now they just really missed each other and needed a bit of intimacy. Anyway, I loves feedback in the comments. Tell me what ya think!


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! I was having a real crazy week and feeling a little blocked. Hope this chapter isn't complete shit! lol

“Bee Bee, wait!”

Ben stilled, staring down at the tiny ankle-bitter currently sniffing his boots. Nervous that the little white furball was just looking to use his leg as a toilet, he gently used his foot to push the dog back. Finn had told him enough about this creature to be weary. It looked innocent and friendly, but appearances could be deceiving.

“Sorry! Sorry! He can be a bit of a handful!” Poe apologized, dashing from his door to reach down and snatch the pup. Ben watched as he rubbed the dog’s tummy affectionate, pressing his forehead against the dog’s. He held the animal more like a baby than a pet. “That’s my little buddy! What you bothering him for? Huh?” 

Dameron’s ridiculous voice when speaking to the dog made Ben hide a smirk behind his hand. He pretended to rub at his face for several seconds just as Poe met his gaze. He’d never talked to the neighbor before. They’d crossed paths once or twice while he’d been coming or going from Rey’s flat, but not even a word of greeting was ever uttered. All he knew about the other man came from Finn, Rey, and Rose. Finn was so fucking enamored with the guy, but Ben didn’t see the appeal. “Cute dog,” he finally spoke up, eyeing the creature that now seemed to be staring at him. There was something sinister in those eyes. Cute as a button, but Ben had no doubt the dog was out to cause trouble.

“Thanks! His name’s Bee Bee,” Poe introduced. A strange name for a boy, but Ben wasn’t going to judge. The orange collar was an odd accessory though… especially with the slight bedazzling. “I’ve seen you around here before. You live in this building?”

“No. My girlfriend does.” Fuck. Ben inwardly groaned at the way his stomach flopped from just saying that word. _Girlfriend._ His face was already heating up like some blushing teenager. The half of him that was still attached to a life of loneliness seemed to loathe the other half that clung to his feelings for Rey. He was at war with himself. Constantly fighting down the anxieties that raged against his foolish heart. It wasn’t supposed to be shameful to love someone.

“Rey?”

He nodded. 

“I thought she was out of town?”

Ben shoved his hands in his jeans and leaned against the door frame, legs crossed as he tried to keep his stance casual. “Not here to see, Rey. I’m here for Finn and Rose. We’ve got plans for lunch.”

“Oh…” Poe nodded anxiously. “I… uh… Finn Winslow, right? He’s a friend of Rey’s too. For the longest time I thought he lived here with them.”

Ben snickered. “He might as well live here.”

Dameron laughed, looking awkward as hell all of the sudden. Ben found himself studying the other man with a hint of suspicion. He wasn’t easy to read, but the fact that Poe noticed Finn was encouraging. Was it possible this crush Finn had was mutual? Poe was fiddling with Bee Bee’s collar, hooking a leash onto the metal loop. Perhaps this was a good time to shake things up for his cowardly friend?

“You like dick?”

“What?!” Inwardly, Ben cackled at the way Poe almost dropped the damn dog. His eyes widened with surprise, looking seconds away from shitting bricks. This guy was just as jumpy as Finn. They’d be perfect for each other. “D-Do I what?!”

“Spotted dick,” Solo corrected, feigning ignorance. “The place where we’re going for lunch has it… in fact, Finn’s quite the fan. You could come if you’d like… after you walk Bee Bee.”

“Oh… oh! Uh… I wouldn’t want to make you guys wait like that.” Dameron was already shaking his head, carefully placing the dog on all fours, as if fearful he might actually drop the little guy.

“It’s not a big deal. Rose just got off a long shift and she’s gonna take a minute or two to get ready. Finn’s on his way here. He got held up with some errands. I’m sure he’d want you to come.”

He watched Poe’s eyes darken just a shade. A stray curl of black hair fell into his eyes as he licked his lips and swallowed audibly. He was still crouched down low, wiping his hands on his jeans as if they might be clammy. All good signs that Finn’s pathetic little crush wasn’t quite so one-sided. There was definitely something churning in Poe Dameron’s head. “You never told me your name.”

Deflection. Interesting. “Ben Solo.”

Poe stood up suddenly, and just like that the nervousness was replaced by genuine curiosity. “Solo? Fuck… as in Leia Organa-Solo’s son?”

Shit. “How the hell would you know her?”

“She knows my parents! Well, more accurately… she knew my mother. It was before my parents were married, but she was the maid of honor in their wedding. I was born in New York not long after. They lost touch once my family moved to London, but she did come to my mother’s funeral. She seems like an amazing woman, so dedicated to helping people and making real changes. I admire her convictions.” 

Of _fucking_ course. Of course, Finn would fall for this son of a bitch. Across a fucking ocean, and his friend found the one guy with connections to Ben’s family. It was the last thing he wanted to talk about, or hear about. His hands tightened into fists in his pockets, and his jaw tensed as he felt his teeth grind. He wanted to rescind his invitation to lunch. He wanted to shove this guy down all four flights of stairs. It was an obvious overreaction and he knew it. Escaping his family was unrealistic, and he certainly couldn’t fault Poe Dameron for admiring the facade his mother had created for herself.

Ben inwardly sighed as Dameron continued with his praise. “I envy you! I grew up hearing stories about Leia Organa and Luke Skywalker. She and your uncle have done a hell of a lot for gay rights and social injustice. It’s a shame she’s retiring… especially when the US needs her now more than ever. She’s the only fucking politician that seems to give a damn.” 

Oh she gave a damn, alright… gave a damn about literally everyone else but her fucking family. Ben spent his entire life struggling not to make her look bad. It fucked him up so much he couldn’t even tell his own girlfriend why he needed to go home. It fucked up her marriage for _years_ , and Luke Skywalker was wasting away while she pretended everything was perfectly fine. She was a mess, just like everyone else in the family, a mess trying to fix every other mess in the world but her own.

Ben hated this guy. He fucking hated him. It wasn’t logical, it wasn’t reasonable… but fuck, he just really needed this conversation to end. “Your dog looks seconds away from shitting on the steps. You should probably take him for that walk,” he managed to say without sounding completely hostile. 

“Oh right! Yeah, I’ll just… run him out.” Poe rushed towards the steps before pausing, turning back towards Ben. “It was a pleasure to finally meet you, Ben. You know… after my mother’s funeral… your mother came over to ours for dinner a few times while she was in town. She talked about you a lot. She seemed pretty damn proud.”

Ben blinked, taken aback, but before he could respond… Poe was shuffling down the steps; the sounds echoing throughout the building.

*******

“That’s a pretty wild coincidence… Poe knowing your family like that,” Finn pointed out as he munched on chips like a fucking wood chipper. Ben could almost visualize bits of potato flying off to the sides, as each thickly sliced chip was shoved into his friend’s mouth to be grinded up and consumed.

The Golden Hind on Marylebone wasn’t exactly Ben’s favorite spot for eating out, but they made some damn good fish and chips. It didn’t look like much. The mustard yellow sign had seen better days, and for some fucking reason the ‘D’ had been scratched off and never replaced. Someone had spilled soda right in front of the door, along with a few fallen chips which the pigeons were pecking at.

Walking inside wasn’t much better. The tiles could stand to be replaced, and the tables were basic and scuffed up at the corners. Most people didn’t come for the fucking décor. The smell of fresh fish filled the air, making every potential customer’s mouth water. To Ben it was nothing more than another greasy diner, but Finn loved the food. His very real addiction to fish and chips was slightly worrying. Rose had already spent a good fifteen minutes lecturing him on all the shit he put into his body.

“No shit, Sherlock,” grumbled Ben as he played with his peas. What the fuck was with the English and peas anyway? They tasted like mush and they sure as hell weren’t enough nutrients to get him through lunch after being stuffed with potato and breaded fish.

Rose wiped the grease from her hands with a cheap napkin that was falling apart even before she picked it up. “Wow, you must have really hated him. You’ve been Mr. Grumpypants all through lunch.”

“Mr. Grumpypants?” Finn repeated with a quirked eyebrow.

Ben snorted into his glass of lukewarm water. “She’s delightful, Finn. Why couldn’t you make it work with Rose? Is it cause she doesn’t have a cock? We could get her a strap-on.”

Finn turned his disgust towards Ben this time, eyes widening in displeasure. “Did you literally just dismiss my sexual preference with sex toys?”

“We tried that. He definitely enjoyed being fucked, but alas… it was not meant to be,” said Rose.

“Damn.”

“Poe Dameron is a _great_ guy! He’s charming, successful, and intelligent!” Finn argued. He seemed especially disappointed that Ben didn’t approve of his taste in men. The idea that anyone would give a shit what he thought was heart-warming, but he knew his friend wasn’t about to just shrug and move on. “The only reason you hate him is because he admires your mother! It’s bullshit… Rey likes your parents too!”

If Ben were being honest, it really did bother him how well Rey got along with his parents. Watching her talk about cars with his father had been perturbing enough, but then she’d tried to defend him. He blamed Rey’s yearnings for family for her easy chemistry with Han Solo, and especially Leia Organa. Hell, even he couldn’t be too cross with her despite the lack of trust between them. He hated the fact that he didn’t hate her… he was so pathetic. “Of course, Rey likes my parents. She’s fucking me. It’s only natural to want parental approval. Plus, Rey makes works of art out of trash.”

“Did you just call your family trash?” Rose questioned with narrowing eyes.

Ben paused to think. “Not exactly what I meant. They’re more like twisted metal cutting into your body until you bleed out and become an empty shell of decayed flesh and bones.”

Finn rolled his eyes with dramatic flair, ironic considering he was always talking about Ben being ‘too extra.’ “Please tell me you’re going to see that therapist again.”

“You’re seeing a therapist?” Ben hated how excited Tico looked. He resisted the urge to kick Finn under the table for even mentioning it. He’d told Finn that in confidence.

“I went _one time_ and it was awkward as hell. I haven’t decided whether to continue yet.”

“Oh, you should definitely continue,” Finn maintained. “I don’t wanna be on the news one day talking about how ‘normal’ you seemed right before the mental breakdown that resulted in you becoming a serial killer who stalks London like Jake the Ripper.”

“It’s Jack the Ripper, Dummy,” Rose corrected.

It took everything he had not to make a scene, barking with laughter at Finn’s expense. “Jake the Ripper? Who the hell gets that shit wrong?”

“I misspoke! People do that sometimes, Rose; and what kind of Doctor calls people ‘Dummy’ and ‘Mr. Grumpypants?’ Are you trying to get into pediatrics or something?” Finn complained. Ben didn’t miss how his skin darkened in embarrassment.

Rose scoffed. “Just trying to use words you can understand.”

“Shit, are you two always like this?” Ben rarely got to spend time with Rose and Finn together, but he was definitely enjoying himself. They’d managed to salvage their friendship despite a difficult break up, and Rose had been surprisingly supportive while Finn was struggling with accepting his sexuality. Their chemistry may not have been romantic in nature, but it was certainly dynamic as fuck.

“No see, this is how women are,” Finn grumbled, pausing to take a sip of his drink. “They were put on this Earth to drive men crazy by whatever means possible! They can’t help themselves. It’s in their nature.”

Rose was quick to argue that _men_ were, in fact, the real problem while Ben watched quietly in amusement. If nothing else, this was great inspiration for his book. Finn’s character was given a designation rather than a name. FN-2187 was a soldier who’d been mentally brainwashed to serve Snoke since birth, but had fallen in love with a technician working with a small band of Resistance fighters. FN had managed to break all ties with the Supreme Leader and was fighting against the monster who’d taken him from his family. He’d yet to tell Finn that FN’s love interest was in fact a character based on Rose Tico. He’d find out eventually… once the book was finished (and hopefully while Ben on tour promoting the book).

They’d arranged for this little lunch to help Ben take his mind off Rey’s flight. She was supposed to land in Heathrow sometime around eight in the evening, and they’d decided he could use a distraction as he endured these final hours of waiting. Rey was supposed to text him the moment she’d arrived. They’d spoken briefly the night before about him meeting her at the airport, and returning to his place for a few days; partly to talk things out and partly cause they were in desperate need of a good marathon fuck. Phone sex just made him miss her touch even more. He was never truly satisfied, even as he would clean the cum off his stomach.

Finn and Rose were certainly distracting, but not enough to keep his mind off Rey. Minutes were ticking by slower than usual. Every single time he looked at his watch he wanted to scream. She ought to be at the airport by now for her flight, but he hadn’t heard from her yet. He’d asked her to text him once they were boarding. Ben sneaked a glance at his cell, but of course, no fucking texts. His leg bounced anxiously as he shoved the phone back into his pocket.

“That’s like the tenth time you’ve checked your phone, Ben.”

Ben’s head snapped up to look at Finn, who was busy wiping tartar sauce off his plain, grey shirt. He hadn’t realized they’d ended their argument. He wondered who’d prevailed in this latest battle of the sexes. “She should have texted me by now,” he groused.

“You know better than anyone how Rey is with her phone,” Rose pointed out. She’d already finished her lunch, rubbing at her stomach as if to soothe the food baby that was making her look slightly bloated. “I’m surprised this one’s lasted so long.”

“It’s probably lost in the bay somewhere,” Finn added with a snicker.

It was true that Rey didn’t have much luck with phones. So far his gift to her was faring well, but he’d learned later that there was a pattern of abuse involving Rey and technology. Several phones had reached untimely ends. The blow torched phone wasn’t even the most grisly story he’d heard. Some were crushed under heavy objects like a car or her fallen dresser; dropped from tall rooftops or the window of a taxi. One phone had an unfortunate encounter with a cat looking to take a piss on something valuable. It wasn’t even her fucking cat.

“Finish your food, Ben. If she doesn’t text you now, we both know she’ll at least get in touch with you when she lands,” Tico assured him.

He knew she was right. Even if she had to use a fucking payphone, Rey would make sure she told him the moment she arrived. He just needed to be patient. “I’m not hungr-”

Before he could even finish saying the word, Finn and Rose were reaching for his chips and what was left of his fish. His eyes narrowed as he watched them chomp away at his food without hesitation. He was friends with a bunch of animals… not that Rey was much better. She would have eaten his fries even before he confirmed he didn’t want them. “You two are far less annoying in my book. This is why I prefer my friends to be fictional.”

“I’m in your book too?” Rose didn’t read his books. Tico barely had time to do things like eat and sleep considering how overworked she was at the hospital. So, of course, he didn’t hold it against her. Ever since she’d stitched him up in the hospital back when he’d first met Rey, Ben was quite eager to stay on her good side. His girlfriend was a bit of trainwreck. There was no telling how many more accidents awaited him.

“You’re a _minor_ character… barely worth mentioning,” said Finn, putting a little bite in his words. He sounded so fucking salty.

“A minor character that could kick your character’s ass,” Ben spat smugly, in Rose’s defense. “In fact… she does kick your character’s ass, literally the first thing that happens when you guys meet.”

“Show my character some fucking respect, asshole,” mumbled Finn around a mouthful of _his_ fried fish. They’d taken literally everything off his plate… including his peas. “He’s a big deal in the Resistance. In fact, jot that down. I want it in your book.”

“That he’s a big deal in the Resistance?” Ben questioned, wondering when Finn had decided he was in charge of what happened to his character.

“Look Solo, FN is a rising star and you know it. Rey’s been feeding me spoilers.”

“Did you just call me, Solo?” He ought to be mad at Rey for revealing spoilers to Finn, but he knew the idiot would keep quiet. Leaks were becoming quite a problem for professional writers, and sales had been steadily dropping for several of his books because of them. He could stand the loss, but not everyone had a trust fund as impressive as his.

“So am I like… a kick ass warrior in this book? Or a valiant doctor saving heroes?”

“You’re a technician,” Ben answered.

Rose frowned, ignoring Finn’s snort. “A technician?”

“Even your sister is more interesting. She’s a pilot for the Resistance!” Finn added. Ben was relieved he left out the part where Paige’s character dies.

“What the fuck? I don’t even get to be a pilot? I’m just a boring technician?!”

“Yes, but you’re extremely integral to the plot…” Ben tried to placate her concerns.

“How so? She doesn’t even succeed in her first mission with the Resistance,” Finn pointed out. Ben was almost certain the bastard was _trying_ to get him into trouble.

“Shut the fuck up,” growled Ben, leaning over the table.

“My mission fails? I’m a boring technician who can’t even fucking complete her first mission?” Rose’s voice had already risen several octaves now. “So basically I’m incompetent!”

“Yup!” agreed Finn, chuckling.

“You’re character is fucking dead,” Ben threatened. It would be a heroic death, but he was definitely gonna kill FN after this betrayal.

“You wouldn’t dare!” Finn challenged.

“Why is my character so fucking lame?” nagged Rose.

“She isn’t lame! People are going to love her!” Ben assured her, still glaring at Finn. “She’s clever, unique, brave, and above all selfless! She’s betrayed by another character. It wasn’t her fault that her mission failed.”

Rose looked less than convinced. “So then what’s the point of even telling my character’s story? Am I just comic relief?”

Shit. This was exactly why he didn’t reveal spoilers. They didn’t do the story justice, and now he had _this_ nonsense to deal with. He was going to kill Finn… and possibly Rey. Damn them all to hell for getting him on Rose Tico’s bad side. He searched desperately for the words that might settle Tico’s concerns when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. _Thank God!_ He’d literally been saved by the bell. “Oh look at that! I’ve got a call! Excuse me!” 

Ben pulled out his phone and walked outside with a smile as he realized it was Rey. She was probably calling to let him know that she was boarding. He could feel his muscles relax as he answered the call. “I was starting to get worried. Was your flight delayed?”

**“Ben?”**

“Yeah Rey, it’s me.” He shoved a hand in his pocket and leaned against the window beside the entrance. Idly his shoe kicked at a forgotten chip on the dirty pavement. “Did you make it through security okay?”

**“Uh… I… not exactly.”**

“What do you mean ‘not exactly?’ What the fuck happened?” The once relaxed muscles immediately tensed again as he felt a sinking in his stomach. He could hear it in her voice. Something was wrong. “Rey, where are you?”

There was a long pause on the other side of the phone. He tried to hear background noise, but a fucking siren was going off. Was she in a car stuck in traffic? Had she missed her flight? Was it delayed? Cancelled? **“I… Ben I’m at the A and E.”**

Ben’s blood immediately ran cold. Panic swelled inside him as he ran a hand through his hair and pushed away from the window. He was already pacing as the worst case scenarios filled his mind and left him feeling numb. “Rey, what the fuck happened? Are you okay? Please fucking tell me you’re okay?!”

 **“I’m okay! I’m fine! It’s not me,”** she assured him. _It’s not me._ Ben swallowed hard, his breathing haggard, and his muscles creating knots of tension and stress with each second that she didn’t explain. He was just about to urge her on, when she finally spoke up. **“Y-You remember when I told you we’d planned to go out for breakfast this morning? Just me, your parents, and Luke?”**

The hand in his pocket was squeezing into a fist. His chest tightened as he tried to focus. “Yes… I remember.” She’d told him about the plans last night.

**“I-I’m not supposed to say anything. Leia told me not to tell you, but I can’t… I can’t just… Ben, it’s your uncle. Leia didn’t want me to tell you, but we went to pick him up for breakfast and found him lying on the floor of his living room unconscious. I think it was an overdose. He had an empty medicine bottle nearby-”**

“Oxycodone,” Ben supplied quietly. It was strange… this calm that replaced his agitation. As if relief could be found in this news. His worst fears finally realized. “Is he dead?” he croaked.

 **“No, but his heart did stop. Leia and I had to do CPR until the medics could arrive. Ben, are you okay? I’m so sorry! Your mother didn’t want me to tell you, but I couldn’t! I just couldn’t keep this from you!”** He could hear her sniffling through the speaker, hear how upset she was, how much this was affecting her.

“Is she there?” he questioned through gritted teeth.

 **“The Doctors called her and Han back a few minutes ago. I’m not family, so I stayed behind.”** His mother wasn’t going to tell him. She wasn’t even going to fucking tell him. Suddenly, he felt sick. His head was spinning, forcing him to lean back against the small sliver of brick to regain his equilibrium. Was this his fault? Had his fight with Luke pushed his uncle over the edge? What if he’d died? Would that have been just another thing for his conscience to bare? **“Ben… a-are you still there? Ben, I’m so sorry! You knew didn’t you? That’s why you left? You knew?”**

“Yeah Rey, I knew,” he confirmed, his voice wavering. “We all knew….” Especially Leia _fucking_ Organa.

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was VERY close to killing Luke off, but I decided against it. This story is supposed to be a bit dramatic, but I didn't want it to get too heavily angsty. Let me know what you think in the comments! You know they give me life!


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be done a long time ago, but life got in the way... (also my friends can be VERY distracting!)

It was the day after Ben Solo’s eighth birthday that his father finally returned home soaked in rain water and looking like hell. Leia Organa had spent most of the evening chasing her son around the house as he tried to escape the horrors of bathtime, and he’d been tumbling down the steps just as the front door swung open. Despite being half naked (she’d managed to strip him of everything but his underwear), and still in great danger of being cleansed; Ben leaped into his father’s arms without hesitation.

Broken promises were forgotten in an instant as Han Solo’s arms wrapped tightly around his son. Ben could count on one hand how many times his father had embraced him. In books being held was supposed to feel safe, _like coming home_ … the usual warm and fluffy shit. That’s not what little Ben felt at all. His forehead was scratched by the prickly hairs of Han’s beard. His father stank of whiskey and his clothes carried a damp musk. Ben shivered as cold rain soaked his bare skin, and his legs were straining as they crossed around Han’s waist. He was good at remembering those things… all the little negatives in a perfectly happy memory.

There had been a moment though, a strange moment so out of the ordinary he’d managed to suppress it. Ben remembered closing his eyes and relishing all those little negatives as if they were everything he’d ever wanted; as if the flaws were what made that embrace special. For just a few seconds Ben Solo was complete. He felt… relief. 

The pressure of his father’s grip was pushing together all the little pieces that tore Ben apart. Those prickly hairs were _his father’s_ hairs, and that was all that mattered to a boy who’d felt abandoned just twenty-four hours ago. The whiskey and damp were assaulting his senses in a way that felt familiar and reassuring. This was his father returned to him. It was what Ben Solo needed. It wasn’t about a warm and fuzzy feeling. It was about knowing the wait was over. At least for now.

It was this memory that overwhelmed a much older Ben Solo when Rey flung herself into his awaiting arms like a freight train. She smelled of hospital antiseptic and orange juice. The front of her shirt was wet as if she’d stopped by the restrooms to clean something off of it (probably the juice). Rey’s hair tickled his nose, and looked a greasy mess. He’d caught dark circles under her eyes, and she wasn’t wearing make-up. He’d never seen her look so fucking beautiful in all his life.

He was finally complete. This was his relief. It’d barely been a week, but it felt like they hadn’t seen each other in years. Ben’s hold on her tightened as he kissed the top of her head and shut his eyes. This was a moment to be savored. A happy memory in which he would treasure all the little negatives. One day he’d tease her about how terrible she’d looked, and laugh his ass off when she inevitably got offended. They’d bicker and snark until Rey was ready to send him to the couch, finally Ben would tackle her and reveal just how much it’d turned him on. He was looking forward to that… it seemed inevitable.

Rey lifted her head up and he kissed her soundly on the lips. It didn’t matter that people were watching. It didn’t matter that Lor San Tekka was waiting in a lane that was meant for quick pick-ups. Hell, it didn’t even matter that the kiss was actually pretty terrible, and he really hoped she had a mint somewhere in her purse. Fuck it all.

This was the kind of thing most people didn’t discuss or care about. When life was unbearably normal. No sparks when his hands gripped her face, caressing her skin. No emotional ballads written by John Williams to make people’s hearts burst. No talk of destiny or fate… as if they were lovers bound to each other by some unknown force. Just Ben and Rey. A couple of fucking idiots making out in a dirty, loud airport… and it was still the most perfect moment of his life.

It was Leia Organa that had finally booked Rey’s ticket back to London. His girlfriend had been a useful spy, giving him updates on his uncle’s progress, while every chat with his mother got him fucking nowhere. Luke had slipped into a coma for almost three days from the lack of oxygen to his brain. The Doctors had warned there might be permanent brain damage. When he’d finally woken up they’d done a thorough evaluation. Luke was struggling with his memory (mostly short term), and his motor skills had been slightly compromised. It was still Luke Skywalker, but slower and with a few less stories to tell. 

For several nights in a row Rey would remind him that it wasn’t his fault. He wasn’t sure if he’d ever believe her, but he knew he wanted to. He wanted to ignore all the dark voices in his head that told him he never should have abandoned Luke… that he was weak, pathetic… the kind of man who’d rather run than face the fact that his uncle had problems of his own. Her words helped him sleep at night, but they didn’t quiet the voices completely. He’d even been forced to buy a new lamp when he threw his old one against a wall. He wasn’t proud of that. 

Ben’s fucked up imagination kept conjuring imagines of those homeless men that would rant and rave on subways, and stank of body odor and urine. Leia would never allow that, but the possibility still clung to the back of his eyelids every night when he closed his eyes. As if the Skywalker curse of madness was just waiting for a susceptible host… a genetic flaw that lay dormant until it claimed its next victim; but Rey was a voice of reason. She quieted his fears with constant assurances. Not just a spy, but a light of hope when he felt himself faltering. He made another appointment with the therapist Lor had suggested. He didn’t really want to go back, but in the end it felt like he didn’t have a choice. He needed to do this… not just for Rey, but for himself. Maybe it would be different this time… not like when he was a kid. Lor seemed to trust him anyway.

Since technically he wasn’t supposed to know any of this shit, he’d chosen not to return to the States. Luke was already recovering, and there wasn’t much he could do to help (frankly, he’d probably just make things worse). Lor used to tell him that some trees and plants grew better separately (thrived even… with some space). He’d never given it much thought, but the words returned to him as if they’d been waiting for their moment. They finally made sense. He would always _love_ his family in a fucked up sort of way, but they weren’t good for him, and it was quite possible… he wasn’t good for them.

“Lor’s waiting,” Ben finally spoke when he broke their kiss. His forehead was resting against hers as he rubbed at the knots in her lower back.

“I have never been so exhausted in all my life,” Rey sighed.

He took the hint and grabbed her bag, while his other arm curled around her waist and led her towards the airports exit. Once again it was raining buckets, as if the damn clouds had turned into waterfalls above them. Umbrellas were fucking useless when it got this bad. “I was starting to wonder if you two had gone off to maul each other in a restroom like a bunch of horny teenagers,” complained Lor as Rey escaped Ben’s grip to hug the old bastard.

Ben cringed in disgust. He barely had the nerve to step foot in a public restroom… let alone fuck someone in such a place. “Don’t make me vomit.”

Rey twisted in Lor’s arms as the old man chuckled. “Excuse me?!”

“I only meant I don’t want to fuck you in a bacteria infested sewage room,” he assured her, walking past both of them towards the car. Ben let out a grunt from the effort it took to shove her luggage in Lor’s boot. What the hell did she pack in the damn thing? A fucking body? The kitchen sink? The George Washington monument?

Rey’s eyes were narrowed in mock offence. “If you truly cared, you’d fuck me anywhere I wanted,” she teased.

They both slipped into the back seat while Lor hopped in the front and started the car. “You would actually want me to fuck you in one of those public restrooms?” he questioned doubtfully.

“Maybe.”

“Then this relationship isn’t going to work. I’m breaking up with you,” he replied, smiling faintly when she smacked his chest and dropped her head into his lap. She really did look utterly shattered. He tugged the ties that held her sloppy bun in place, running his fingers through her hair soothingly. Rey’s eyes immediately fluttered shut, and she hummed in delight. The back seat was uncomfortable for a man his size, and he could already feel his legs going numb from the weird position they’d been forced into. None of it mattered. He didn’t give a shit. Rey was home. All he felt was relief.

*******

They were laying in his bed facing each other, with just the slightest touch of their fingers between them. He’d woken her up the moment they’d arrived to his place, carrying her up to his bedroom while Lor followed behind with the heavy luggage. Her shoes were kicked off on the floor somewhere at the foot of his bed, and he’d managed to remove her rain jacket just after carefully placing her under the warmth of his sheets.

He’d left one of the lamps on, far too busy staring into her eyes to think about actually getting some rest. They were behaving like they were still miles apart, staring at a screen rather than each other. It would be so easy to gather her in his arms, but he didn’t have the strength to move. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, wanted to tell her, but he didn’t know where to begin, and he wasn’t sure what she wanted to hear.

“Ben?” Her voice sounded so faint, like even the energy to speak was depleted. He wondered if she’d read his mind, sensed his hesitation, and chosen to take command of the situation. She’d always been really good at making him her bitch.

“Yeah?”

“That day when you left. I-I said some things I really wish I could take back,” she admitted. “I saw how desperate you were to leave, but I was angrily with you for not telling me why.”

Ben sighed, his thumb idly caressing her fingertips. “You had every right to be angry.”

“Maybe so, but so did you.”

It would be easy to let the conversation die. To hold back and encourage Rey to get some sleep. That would be the thing that felt natural to him. The thing that didn’t require risk. For once Ben Solo didn’t feel like following the same old pattern of behavior. Damn that movie and Lor’s fucking lessons, but he wanted to give a little piece of himself to her. No matter how hard it might be. She was worth it… he knew that much. Worth the risk. Worth changing for. Worth fighting for.

His eyes lowered to their hands, not quite sure he could do this with eye contact. “When I was fifteen I spent a weekend over at my uncle’s place. My parents were out of town, Lor had already requested leave, but Luke volunteered to look after me. It was all going so fucking spectacularly… listening to all his wild stories, hiking up to Great Falls as he rambled about the beauty of mother earth.” Rey giggled just a bit at that. Even Ben’s lips curled into a soft smile. “He basically let me do whatever I wanted and I dunno… it was just… nice.” 

He paused for a moment to glance up at Rey. He could tell she was wide awake, taking in his every word like he was quoting from the bible. “That night he decided to take some LSD before his meditations. He’d always felt like the high helped him ascend… reach some deeper level of understanding or some shit; only… whatever he took… it fucked him up bad. I was sleeping when he came into my room. I remember him screaming and raving about some dark presence inside me. He was hallucinating… completely paranoid and unhinged. I told my parents what happened, but… I… I didn’t tell them everything.”

Rey swallowed, her fingers slipping further into his. “What didn’t you tell them?”

This was the hard part… the part of his story that he’d tucked away in the shadows to be forgotten. The secret held so deep within him… he couldn’t quite fathom if it was real or imagined sometimes. He wanted it to be a dream. Clung desperately to that notion. A tear escaped him before he could stop it, and he closed his eyes as it was absorbed into his pillow. Her grip on his hand tightened further. 

“He had a knife, Rey. He moved towards me shouting, told me he’d cut it out… whatever he saw inside me. I managed to grab his wrist and twist it out of his hand. I threw it across the room and pinned him to the bed. He was too out of it to really fight back. He went fucking crazy. He could have killed me. He _would_ have killed me.” Ben was astounded by the way his muscles loosened as the long forgotten memories were ripped from the shadows. A weight off his shoulders. A pressure dissipating from his chest. “I don’t know how much he remembered, but he checked himself into rehab soon after. It felt like he did it for me. Like that night had changed everything…”

“And when you saw that he was taking the opioids… it was as if he was attacking you all over again,” Rey finished.

Ben took a deep breath and nodded, blinking his eyes as a few more tears fell. “I make no excuses for myself or my family, Rey. We’re a fucking mess. I wasted so much time being angry… angry because it felt like no one ever tried to fix what was broken. Han Solo couldn’t be bothered to stay in one place… not even for his own son. It wasn’t like we even needed the money. Leia Organa was so fucking focused on saving the world, but she made a lot of enemies along the way. Never once did she consider what those people were capable of; what they were willing to do to me… just to ruin her image. My parents were so fucking selfish, Rey… and I tried not to let it get to me, but it did… it does. Maybe it always will… but Luke… _Luke _… he was different.”__

__His throat went dry when he realized Rey was crying. He hadn’t meant to make her cry, but somehow it was comforting to see it. Immediately, he reached out and wiped away her tears with his thumb. It earned him a smile as she held his hand to her cheek, kissing his palm with so much affection. “Watching the paramedics take Luke away… if felt like I was right back at that point when I was being dragged from my parent’s car. It didn’t have to end like that… them trapped in a car consumed by flames. That’s the thing about addiction… whether it’s drugs o-or alcohol. It’s not just the one person that gets burned.”_ _

__Ben tugged on her other hand and kissed her knuckles. “I guess you’re not the only one hiding the damage,” he confessed._ _

__Rey crawled into his arms with those words, kissing his lips even as more tears mingled between them. Her mouth was a comfort, a demonstration of promise, that somehow despite everything… he wasn’t alone in this. He didn’t have to be alone. So he deepened it, opened to her, reveling in the way she slipped into him. His secrets weren’t just his anymore. They were hers. They’d endure them together._ _

__It was so much easier to let go as he realized what a significant step they’d taken. Suddenly, Ben was lost. Lost to desire. Lost to need. Overwhelmed by this urge to let his body do the talking. As if intimacy of the soul was a prelude to the physical intimacy they now craved. His mind was spinning as he removed her clothes and his, only breaking their kiss when he had no choice._ _

__Her skin against his own. The moans she made in his mouth as he unhooked her bra. He could feel where the damned torture device had imprinted into her skin. Ben was on his back in an instant as her hands rubbed the bulge in his pants. Her fingers flicked open his jeans and shoved them down eagerly. His cock was trapped against their stomachs as she kissed down his neck and sucked hard on his left nipple. Fuck… he could even feel her teeth, while her tongue curled around the nub teasingly._ _

__“I-I thought you were tired,” he reminded her._ _

__She gave his nipple a punishing tug. “Not so much anymore.”_ _

__Rey was wearing sweatpants, easily removed as they both kicked off the remainder of their clothes. He was pleased to find that she’d slipped off her panties as well when his hand reached down to cup her pussy. She rocked against him, spreading her legs open to give him greater access. His fingers spread her open, teasing her clit._ _

__“Please tell me you’ve got a condom,” he begged._ _

__He felt her pause, as if pulled from the same haze he’d fallen into. “Why don’t you?”_ _

__“Rey, you’re the first person I’ve fucked in an embarrassingly long time.” Ben hadn’t felt the need to stock his apartment with condoms that would most like be left forgotten and wasted. Plus it wasn’t like he’d planned for this eventuality (although he probably should have) when they’d finally made arrangements to bring her home. He watched Rey chew at her bottom lip, dragging her teeth roughly against the skin. With a disappointed sigh, he removed his hand from in between her legs, propping himself up to get a better look at her. Rey was staring down at his chest. There seemed to be a debate going on in her head as to what to do about this, and it wasn’t necessary. He wanted nothing more than to be inside her, but Ben would happily settle for making her cum with his tongue and fingers. “Hey… it’s fin-”_ _

__“I’m on birth control,” she interrupted. Rey’s eyes finally rose to meet his, looking strangely determined, and yet also incredibly nervous. “Rose insists I get tested regularly even if I haven’t been sexually active.”_ _

__“Yeah, she’s already put me on a rotation,” he confessed. He knew for a fact Finn was also on her schedule… they’d run into each other once or twice at the hospital. Ben licked his lips and tried to make sense of her words. “Are you saying… that you would be okay with… with me-”_ _

__“I want you to cum inside me,” Rey spoke plainly. This time the nervousness was gone from her voice. Ben’s mouth went dry on the spot, her words leaving him breathless and highly aroused. He’d never actually done that before… been with a woman without the usual protection. Then again, before Rey, he’d never really trusted anyone… not even the ones that’d stuck around for more than one night._ _

__“Holy fuck, Rey.”_ _

__Rey’s eyes darkened as she leaned down to kiss him, her mouth so hot and wet, her tongue teasing and playful. He wasn’t sure why his heart was suddenly beating faster. He felt dizzy and unraveled, as if he could feel the Earth moving and spinning. Her hand reached down and began to tug on his boxers, the only clothing left between them._ _

__Ben rolled them over, taking great pleasure in Rey’s surprised yelp. He’d never been so turned on in his life. He kissed down her jaw, her neck, collarbone, and breast… sucking at her nipples brutally and growling as he felt her squirm. He loved feeling each nipple harden as he teased them. He kicked off the boxers and returned to her mouth, sucking her tongue into his mouth, his hand returning to that special place in between her legs, enjoying the way she bucked underneath him once a finger slipped inside._ _

__She was so wet. Practically dripping all over his hand. How the fuck was that even possible? How did they get here? He’d met her on a fucking rooftop and now she was _his_. His everything. Just some nobody from nowhere, but Rey felt like his perfect match. As if she were made for him. Or he was made for her. All he knew was he wanted this. He was never letting her go. Even if she tried to walk away… he’d never give up. He’d never stop fighting for this. Fighting for them._ _

__Ben broke their kiss just as she rolled them over, and this time he was on his back. She didn’t seem in the mood for teasing tonight. His fingers pulled out of her just seconds before she sunk down on his cock. He watched her hips rock, her jaw hung open, eyes closed, breasts just hanging down and jiggling with every movement._ _

__His hands gripped her hips out of instinct, digging into her skin enough to probably leave bruises. He tried to help as best he could, but he was just as desperate as she was. It was sloppy. Neither capable of making it last long. Sex without a condom was intense, a new experience for them both, messier somehow… dangerous even. Ben’s eyes focused on watching his cock fucking her deep and hard, stretching her open, soaked in her juices. It was too fucking good._ _

__“Oh Rey,” he choked, his mind splintering and crumbling until speech was basic and rough. “Fuck!”_ _

__Rey was riding him, her angle tilted just right so he could feel himself press against her cervix. Sweat clung to their bodies, stung at his eyes. The moment she leaned down he rolled them so he was above her, taking control. Rey didn’t seem to mind as the heel of her foot pressed against his ass. He knew he couldn’t last much longer. He could already feel it travelling up his spine. His muscles primed and ready. His cock throbbing and balls tightening for the release._ _

__He lost himself to the chaotic motions. The rhythm was gone, replaced by pure adrenaline and animalistic need. Ben rubbed at her clit in a desperate attempt to get her there faster, to make her cum on his cock. He wanted to feel her squeeze at him, pull at him, take him in deeper. Lips pressed against her cheek as he huffed from the exertion._ _

__“Cum inside me, Ben. Do it,” Rey was panting. Oh fuck, he couldn’t hold on._ _

__With one last snap of his hips he heard her scream. Her arms tightened around his shoulders and her legs tightened around his hips. Her body shuddered underneath him, internal muscles milking his cock. Ben’s orgasm overtook him suddenly and completely. Everything went dark. His lungs refused to work. His nerves lit up as if he’d been hit by lightning and yet somehow survived. So fucking intense he was pretty sure he’d cried out her name._ _

__He could feel his cock fill her with his cum, shooting deep inside her. So fucking messy and reckless, but somehow it felt much more natural. He wanted this. Wanted this every day for the rest of his life. Rey’s hand caressing the back of his neck till he shivered. His cum dripping from her tight, little pussy. Their skin sliding against each other, slick with sweat. Those beautiful eyes staring back at him when he lifted his head. A connection. A feeling. To finally be complete._ _

__“I love you, Rey.” He ducked down to kiss her before she could respond. “I love you so fucking much.” Another kiss. “I love you….”_ _

__He planned on saying those words every day… for the rest of his damned life._ _

____

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before ya'll even ask. Rey is on birth control. Don't ya'll get any ideas. These two fuckers are not becoming parents in this fic! Now feel free to go nuts in the comments! lmao


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo fucking sorry this chapter took so long. I sprained my ankle and it was so difficult to write between the painkillers and the times I was in pain. Thankfully, I'm feeling much better now. I can even walk... for like a minute! lol

Anxiety was one of those things that tended to hit Ben Solo in waves. One minute he was basking in the sun letting himself drift in a state of euphoria, and the next he was desperately splashing about trying to keep his head above water. He knew this intellectually, and yet somehow, it always managed to catch him off-guard when his mind would spiral. He couldn’t control it; couldn’t stop it from happening. It was an inevitability he’d learned to accept. There was no instant cure that could be swallowed down with a pill. No magic vagina capable of bringing sanity back into his life, despite Finn’s absurd suspicions about Rey.

Even with her warm body curled behind him, and her arm draped across his ribs… he was still every bit the mess she’d fallen in love with. Rey’s hand caressed his stomach affectionately in her sleep, while his remained tucked under his pillow, gripping at the fitted sheet. Ben focused on his breathing and the feel of Rey’s naked chest against his back. Every once in a while her lips would caress his spine, right between his shoulder blades. Little details that kept him from drifting deeper into his dark thoughts.

He’d told her how he felt, but where did they go from here? What were her expectations for this relationship? What kind of emotional support would she require? What if his issues with commitment ruined this? He wasn’t even sure what he saw for their future. Would she move in with him one day? How long before he should ask her? And what about marriage? Did she believe in marriage? Did he want to get married one day? What about his family? Would she want them to return home for holidays? Rey didn’t have a family, but she’d got along well with his. What if she wanted kids? He’d be the shittiest father since Han Solo… he was sure of it. What if she met someone else? What if she grew tired of his bullshit? What if he wasn’t enough for her? 

“Shut the fuck up!” he hissed to himself, trying to quiet his mind.

Ben was a negative person by nature. He was always waiting for the inevitable shitstorm. It’d been his experience that nothing good ever lasted. His instinct was to run, to self-sabotage, to fuck things up on purpose so he wasn’t caught off guard. He kept people at arm’s length so they never had a chance to disappoint him… to hurt him… like his family had. The potential for heartbreak was staggering; triggering alarms of warning, even as he felt Rey clinging to him (as if she knew his thoughts). For once Ben was actually disgusted with himself. His anxieties were giving him one hell of a migraine. 

Why couldn’t he just enjoy this? Why couldn’t he just stay in the present and savor this peace? 

She loved him. He loved her. They’d taken a significant step, and he wasn’t alone in this. They’d taken a leap of faith together. Ben wasn’t a believer… not like Rey, but he’d followed after her anyway. She’d earned his trust, even if it led them both over a cliff. Tomorrow wasn’t important. They’d figure things out along the way. All that mattered was now. They were holding on to each other through this storm, through every obstacle, and hoping that they were strong enough to beat the odds. He’d find a way to be strong enough.

Rey stirred behind him, and he knew she was waking up. He felt her nails scratch teasingly at his abs, her teeth nipping at his back. He felt her tongue along the back of his neck and shivered. Barely awake, but already eager for another round. His lips curled into a sluggish smile. Ben shifted onto his back and turned his head to look at her. They were both still gloriously naked and her hand began exploring his broad chest. “Stop it,” she commanded as she tucked her head into his neck.

“Stop what?” Ben questioned, his voice rough and dry from sleep.

“I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head. You’re overthinking this and plotting your escape. I just know it.”

How the hell could she even tell? She’d barely been conscious a full minute. Usually, Lor was the only one who noticed him spiraling. Ben remained forever lost inside his own head, drowning in the depths of self-doubt and psychological analysis. No one ever noticed the telltale signs, not even his parents. No one was looking hard enough to see through the cracks of his impassive mask. He’d spent so many years under the spotlight; enduring the flash of cameras in between probing questions about his personal life… Leia urging him to play a character in one of her own works of fiction. When all eyes were on him, he’d learned to spiral quietly, falling away even as his body remained.

“Don’t make me punish you,” she teased in the sexiest voice he’d ever heard. He knew she meant it too. Ben swallowed thickly as Rey’s thumb grazed his nipple, and her lips tenderly kissed his shoulder. Her left leg was curled around his, unnaturally cold feet pressing into his ankle. “Last night wasn’t a mistake. Trust me.”

He did. He did trust her. He trusted her more than his own fucking parents. He trusted her more than Luke… maybe even more than Lor San Tekka. Last night was proof of that. Trust wasn’t enough, though. It wasn’t enough to keep him grounded. There was still too many unanswered questions. There were still too many unknowns that stirred his anxieties. As much as he would love to get lost in her body again… clear away the doubts with sex, he knew it was only a temporary fix. He needed more. “Rey? Why me?”

He could feel Rey still against him. Any other man might have simply rolled over and fucked her, which was probably what Rey had expected. He’d already seen her coping methods more than once. Now was not the time to give into weakness, his or hers. He pulled away from her, just a few inches so he could see her face better. If he was ever going to clear his mind, he needed to understand. Last night was a start, but there’d been so much more left unsaid. He still couldn’t comprehend why she’d want someone like him, why she’d pursued this even as he warned her away.

Ben’s hand moved to stroke up and down her arm, an attempt to relax her muscles, soothe her in the face of such a heavy question. His voice was soft… quiet, as if he was afraid of spooking her. “It’s not like you haven’t been in relationships before, but obviously it never worked out. What makes you think you and I stand a chance? Why me?”

Rey’s eyes narrowed, chewing at her lip. One of her hands was curled between them, tugging at the sheets gently as she contemplated the answer to his question. “It was your eyes, I think.”

It wasn’t the answer he’d been hoping for, but he hid his disappointment with a snort. “You mean you endured all my shit because I’ve got pretty eyes?”

Her laughter filled the quiet room, and made his chest ache. Ben’s eyes fluttered as she reached to comb her fingers through his hair affectionately. “Not quite. I just mean… that day… on the roof when we first met… there was something about your eyes. You were an absolute asshole to me, but then I’d look up and see so much intensity. No matter what you said… I saw the conflict in your eyes. As if a good man was hiding in there somewhere, and maybe if I was patient I’d see more of that. See more of the real you. I thought… maybe you were as lonely as I was. Maybe that’s why you were so adamant about keeping your distance. I rather enjoy a challenge. You felt like the biggest challenge of all. Besides, all my past relationships… there was never that spark, you know? It was all just too simple. That’s not how it should be. Nothing worth having is easy.”

“And you think I’m worth having?” the question slipped out before he could stop it. The shock of her answer had his head spinning.

Rey was deadly serious when she answered, eyes narrowed with that determined stare. “I do… I really do.”

He didn’t know what to say, his mouth opening and closing as he struggled for a proper response. The writer with no words. Only Rey seemed capable of silencing him like this. Ben kissed her instead. His lips caressing hers, his hand cupping the back of her head as he deepened it. Morning breath couldn’t ruin a fucking thing, because it was still perfect… _she_ was perfect. His perfect match. He’d never thought such a thing were possible. “I love you,” he breathed the moment he pulled away.

Rey brightened just as she had the night before, as if those words were sunlight and she was basking in the glow of them. She looked so damn proud of herself… and perhaps she had every right to be. After all, she’d done the impossible. She’d gotten Ben Solo to behave like a human… a human in love, no less! Damn her. “I love you too, Ben.”

With his anxieties forgotten he pulled her in for another kiss. They’d have other opportunities to talk more… share more. For now he was definitely ready for morning sex.

*******

“What do you mean he’s straight?!” Rey exclaimed, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion.

“I mean just what I said! That girl we kept seeing him with is his ex-girlfriend. I watched her taking the _walk of shame_ yesterday morning… we ran into each other.” Ben watched Finn make the face of a five year old who’d just been told he couldn’t have dessert. He waddled over to Rey on the couch, plopping down and dropping his head in her lap. “He’s fucking straight!” 

Rey immediately soothed him, rubbing her hand along his back. “How do you know they fucked? Maybe they’re just really close. I mean… you practically _live_ at your ex-girlfriend’s apartment,” Solo pointed out with a snort. He immediately walked into the kitchen to make tea, fairly certain Finn wouldn’t be leaving any time soon. Ben was starting to believe the man was homeless considering how much time he spent either at his place or Rey’s flat. Homeless and hungry (cause he also had a habit of eating up all their food).

“That’s true! You don’t know for certain they slept together!” Rey agreed. “Perhaps he’s just bisexual?”

Ben glanced back at his girlfriend, watching her wrap her arms around Finn. Despite the other man’s sexual preference, their position looked painfully intimate, especially when he knew for a fact she hadn’t put on a bra or underwear. Rey was clad in one of his faded black shirts and some spandex shorts, hastily pulled on once she’d learned who was at the door. The asshole had interrupted them from their post-orgasmic haze with the sound of his heavy pounding. All he’d managed was to put on some boxers, rushing to see who he’d soon be murdering for ruining his morning. “Or they were really drunk,” he added, averting his gaze and focusing on the electric kettle as it boiled their water.

Finn was obviously not in a hopeful mood. “I’m gonna die alone.”

“Oh please,” Rey scolded. “Don’t be so dramatic. That’s Ben’s job.”

“I’m an actor, Rey. It’s my job to be dramatic too!”

Once the water had finally boiled, he immediately poured all three of them a cup, grabbing three bags of black tea. “I have a way we can settle this once and for all,” Ben announced. Two sets of eyes immediately looked up at him as he brought all three mugs into the living room and set them on his table. He was so fucking tired of this shit. He could barely tolerate his own nonsense, let alone anyone else’s.

“Do tell,” Rey encouraged, lifting a single eyebrow. 

“This ought to be good,” grumbled Finn. He slowly sat up, lifting his head from Rey’s lap, and reached for his tea. After taking a sip, he winced at the taste. Ben had forgotten about his addiction to sugar. He hated plain tea.

Ben shrugged. “It’s simple. We just throw that party we discussed earlier. We can have it at Rey’s.”

“I thought we’d decided on your place?” Rey protested. “My apartment barely fits the four of us!”

“Not your apartment. I’m taking about the building Maz is renovating for your new work studio. Poe’s family works in construction, remember? We hire his family for the job, and request he helps with decoration and staging. Finn can assist with the planning, which would give him time with Dameron. Hopefully Finn can summon the courage to actually invite Poe to the fucking party. It would give Finn quite a few opportunities to get to know the guy better, and find out for sure if Poe likes cock or not.” Everyone was quiet for a moment. Rey looked stunned, and Finn looked mortified. Ben’s eyes switched between the two of them, waiting for someone to say something. What the fuck was their problem? He’d thought it was the perfect solution. “What?!” he finally snapped.

“Nothing… nothing… it’s just… when did _you_ become a love guru?” Finn finally asked.

Ben scoffed, turning back towards the kitchen to fetch the milk and sugar for Finn’s tea. Rey was already busy gulping down hers. “I’m not a fucking ‘love guru,’ I’m just sick of this bullshit. There’s no need to be insulting.”

Finn leaned into Rey, but spoke loud enough for Ben to hear. “He’d didn’t even threaten me once. Is he okay?”

Rey choked on her tea, laughing. Glancing over at Ben as he returned with the sugar and milk, her eyes gleaming mischievously. “He’s perfectly fine, thank you very much; but I wouldn’t keep teasing him, Finn. No good comes from tempting fate, and I have no problem cheering Ben on if you push him past his limits and he kicks your wretched arse.”

Solo’s eyes widened, actually picturing it for the briefest of moments. Finn begging for mercy as he was pinned to the floor, while Rey egged Ben on. If she happened to be wearing a skimpy cheerleader outfit with matching pom poms… well, that was a fantasy he’d be taking to his grave. “Holy shit, Rey… that is literally the sexiest thing you’ve ever said.”

Finn looked less than amused, leaning forward to pour milk into his tea. “Oh good, she’s turning into you now,” he accused, bitterly. Ben watched him shovel several spoonfuls of sugar into his tea, officially ruining the hot drink. “You’ve officially ruined, Rey. Congratulations.”

“Everyone’s got a dark side, Finn. Even me,” Rey enlightened him with a wicked smile. 

Ben couldn’t help staring at Rey, licking his lips suggestively. She’d never looked sexier. “I think I love your dark side.”

His girlfriend’s pupils were blown wide, as she emptied her mug with one last gulp. “Oh just you wait, Ben Solo….”

Finn took a sip of his drink, his eyes shifting between the two of them in suspicion. “I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the days before you two started fucking.”

*******

It wasn’t until later in the evening that Finn finally left, satisfied with their plan of action regarding Poe, and a little creeped out from watching Rey and Ben grope each other on the couch most of the day. They’d ended up binge watching _Altered Carbon_ on Netflix (at Finn’s insistence), which provided the opportunity for ‘snuggling,’ as Rey had put it. Solo wasn’t fond of public displays of affection, but making Finn uncomfortable was becoming a satisfying hobby.

Once they’d finally been alone again (after forcefully kicking Finn out), Rey had announced her desire to wash, and promptly left him half-hard and slightly breathless. She really _did_ have a dark side he knew nothing about. He wasn’t sure if he should be intrigued, or nervous about that. Probably both. 

When he walked past the bathroom door, he could hear the loud sound of rushing water and the rustling of clothes. Rey was already humming something from _The Doors_ as she slid the shower door open and carefully (he hoped) stepped inside. It was like she was purposely sounding terrible to determine his limits. Any minute a dog would start howling and the neighbors would complain. 

Ben shook his head, stepping away from the bathroom door. His mind drifted to the thing he’d been putting off ever since learning Luke Skywalker had awoken from his coma. He knew he ought to check on the man, especially with Rey no longer feeding him information. Ben just wished he knew what the hell he was going to say. 

Rey’s horrible singing settled his nerves (strangely enough), as he reached for Rey’s cell phone to make the call. He figured it was better to use her phone instead of his own; a prudent decision since his mother immediately picked up (though had declined to give him video). **“Rey? Is that you, dear?”**

Ben cleared his throat, turning back towards the bathroom door. Rey’s voice was a bit softer now, as if she knew he was on the phone. “Actually mother… it’s me.” 

**“Ben?”**

It was best to get to the point. Just bite the bullet. He hated small talk anyway. “Yeah... I need to talk to Luke.”

He heard her sigh into the microphone, switching the video on. Ben pulled the phone away to see her, taking in the disappointment she wasn’t hiding well. **“She told you?”**

“Of course she told me! She loves me. You really expected her to keep secrets from me?” Just the fact that his mother would ask Rey to lie infuriated him. How the fuck did Leia expect him and Rey to build a relationship if she was already poisoning it with this bullshit?

**“I just wanted to protect you, Ben!”** she tried to explain, but he immediately rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to hear her excuses.

“You protect me from the wrong fucking things!” he snapped. He didn’t call to argue, but what did he really expect? Leia would never understand. She was stuck in her ways, and he had no desire to waste his time. Ben ran a hand through his hair and dropped to the bed. “I didn’t call for this. Just please let me speak to him.”

She was hesitant, glancing to her side, probably confirming with his Uncle that it was okay to pass over the phone. Eventually, Leia turned back towards the screen, looking far more somber. He knew that look in her eyes. That sad look. No matter how hard she tried, she could never get it right, could never be the mother he’d needed her to be. Ben knew she loved him. That was never in question. Sometimes love wasn’t enough. It sure as hell hadn’t done him any favors in life, but he knew he’d forgive her eventually. Leia Organa was a product of her childhood the same as him. **“Ben?”**

Ben sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as he struggled to control his temper. He was so fucking bad at this. “It’s fine, Mom... I just need to see that he’s alright,” he spoke softly. It wasn’t really fine, but the lie fell easily from his lips. There was a part of him that hoped she saw through it, realized how badly she’d fucked up and took it to heart. Unfortunately, he’d spent a lifetime hoping his mother saw through the mask. She never had before, and he doubted she’d start now. Slowly, he opened his eyes and dropped his hand into his lap. The corner of his lips curled as Rey made guitar sounds just as the shower cut off.

Leia must have heard her, cause she was smiling too. **“I’m handing the phone to Luke now,”** she informed him.

The screen shook as the video camera tilted up. He was given a great view of the ceiling and their fumbling fingers, and then finally he saw Luke’s face. Skywalker looked pale, his beard even more scraggly than usual. His hair was tied back in a ponytail, but a few strands had escaped and hung down, tucked behind Luke’s ears. **“Hey Ben.”**

Ben swallowed audibly as he saw the hospital gown. He was connected to too many machines, some keeping an eye on his vitals, and others he didn’t even recognize. Again he was struck by the reality of this situation, how easily Luke could have died... or lay trapped in a coma. “Hey Uncle Luke.”

There was an awkward silence between them as his uncle scratched the back of his head and looked away. **“Did uh... did Rey get back to you okay?”**

“Yeah. She’s been staying with me for a few days,” Ben answered.

**“That sounds promising.”** Luke looked genuinely hopeful. Despite his ragged appearance, there was a glimmer in his eyes.

“Well, I... finally told her I loved her.”

Luke smiled wide, nodding his approval. **“Good... she uh... she’s a keeper, Ben. Don’t fuck it up. You sure as hell can’t do better, and the family’s already attached.”** When Ben’s eyes narrowed, Luke let out an awkward chuckle. **“Not that it’s any of my business. No pressure.”**

“Don’t worry, Uncle Luke. You guys aren’t the only one whose become attached.” Rey’s guitar noises had stopped since turning off the shower, but she was still humming quietly while she changed into her pajamas. Ben slid further into the bed, letting his back hit the headboard, and propping a pillow behind him to ensure comfort. “How are you feeling?”

**“Ah... you know. This environment is shit for meditating, and they won’t let me do my yoga. Han sneaks me chocolate from the vending machine… so I guess I’ll survive.”**

Ben snorted, shaking his head. Luke spoke slower, as if his tongue had grown lazy and needed more time between words, but for the most part he was the same. The last of Ben’s fears finally settled. “You’re just lucky to be alive,” Ben scolded quietly.

Luke’s eyes lowered away from the camera. **“Yeah... yeah... I guess I am. They uh... gave me a list of rehab centers. Your mother’s helping me decide which one I should try.”**

He wasn’t giving up. Ben blinked a few times, turning away for a moment. Another weight lifted from his chest. This was the best news he could have possibly gotten. “I’m sure she’ll find you a good one... somewhere that caters to your unique beliefs... with a nice garden for your daily meditations.”

Luke scoffed at that. **“The universe always provides,”** he muttered, but there was a touch of bitterness in his words.

Ben had a feeling the universe had let his uncle down far too often. “Call me once you find a place. I... I could visit... if you’d like.”

Luke’s eyes widened in surprise at the offer, but he eventually nodded. **“I’d like. I’d like very much.”**

Rey finally swung his bathroom door open, and when Ben looked up, his mind immediately short circuited. She was wearing that nightie from the first time they’d kissed... minus the silky robe. Fuck. She really liked to torture him. “I uh, better go, Uncle Luke.” He winced at the way his voice faltered and squeaked.

She stood at the foot of the bed watching him with a sparkle in her eyes. His body was already responding as she crawled onto the bed and straddled his legs. **“Sure thing, Ben. Tell Rey I said ‘hello’ for me.”**

“I will,” Ben promised, forcing his gaze back to Luke. “Take care of yourself, Uncle Luke.”

**“Yeah... see you around, kid.”**

Ben watched the screen go blank, practically throwing it on top his bedside table. Rey was on him in seconds, shoving her hand down his boxers. “Holy fuck, Rey!”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter left, and POSSIBLY an epilogue. I'm still trying to decide for sure whether I wanna add an epilogue to this story... but feel free to convince me in the comments! lmao


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have stared at this chapter for nearly two weeks. I have changed it a billion times and spent sleepless nights agonizing over my shitty writing. There is nothing more I can do to make this better. Sorry I haven't been answering your comments, but honestly it's been a bit overwhelming! You guys are so fucking amazing and I can't deal!

“It would seem you did that research, after all,” said Hux, leaning back in his black leather chair, lacing his fingers together. Ben was tempted to knock that arrogant sneer right of his face, but it wouldn’t do to attack his editor, and he sure as hell wasn’t in the mood to get himself arrested.

Instead, he folded his arms, muscles stiff and tense, as he held the ginger man’s gaze. He knew Armitage was a smug asshole, but there was a special glint in his eye that made Ben feel weary. “And?”

“No ‘ _and_ ,’ Ben. I’ve read your manuscript and I believe it’s possibly your best writing yet. You’ve thoroughly impressed me.” Hux tilted his head to the side, sizing Ben up as he often did. “This book is a game changer. I must admit, I do have some concerns. You’ve turned your beloved anti-hero into an outright villain. Snoke became such a larger than life enemy for Kylo, but in one fell swoop he is defeated and left to rot on the floor of his own throne room. The ending is… certainly a twist, but do you have a plan to resolve this in your next book?”

Ben looked away, reaching over Hux’s desk to pluck one of those stress balls. He gave it a firm squeeze, enjoying the way it curved around his fingers and took on a new shape, before eventually returning to normal. It hadn’t been there last time he’d visited. He wondered if Hux bought it especially for Solo. “Yes, and it will be the last I write about Kylo Ren. I’m ending the series.”

Hux’s jutted out his chin, eyes suddenly wide. He looked positively stunned, though Ben couldn’t imagine why. It wasn’t like he could keep writing these books forever. It had to end eventually. Finally Hux found his voice again, but his teeth were clenched, and eyes sharp and narrow. “Be reasonable, Ben, these stories are incredibly popular-”

“One more book after this. Then I’m done. I want to move on. I want to grow. I can’t do that if I’m stuck to the same characters and the same fucking universe. There’s other stories I want to tell,” Solo interrupted. He’d made up his mind; even discussed his wishes with Rey. She’d been amazingly supportive. In fact, she’d been more excited about it than he was. Then again, that was Rey’s default. Her enthusiasm was beyond measure, and his was almost nonexistent.

Hux sighed, rolling his eyes. “I was planning on showing this manuscript to several American producers. One in particular seemed eager to get his hands on it… he wants you to sign over the rights. We’re talking about a major Hollywood production. It’s what you’ve always wanted.”

He wasn’t so sure about that. The idea of someone else twisting his vision into some generic piece of shit, catering to the unimaginative and the vapid masses… it left a bad taste in his mouth. “I’ll have to think about it.”

“Don’t take too long, Ben. The offer won’t last forever. Most of the people I’ve talked to have great respect for your stories. They want to keep it as close to the original as possible. It doesn’t get any better than that. Imagine it, Ben… your characters, they’d come alive on the silver screen.” Hux’s eyes gleamed with a mixture of greed and wonder.

“My characters already come alive,” Ben dismissed with a snort. “Putting them on a fucking screen doesn’t change a damn thing. I told you that I’ll think about it… and I will.”

“Fine, Ben. I’ll leave it for now. Perhaps your… _muse_ will be able to talk some sense into you,” Armitage huffed. Despite the fact that Hux often claimed to be Ben’s friend, it was obvious the only thing the ginger irritant really cared about was his career. That suited Ben just fine, especially since he was one of the best editors in London. Occasionally they’d gone out for drinks, long before Rey and her friends entered into his life. Ben was fairly sure Hux didn’t have friends. The man was an absolute nightmare in the office, and he didn’t really improve much after hours. Somehow Rey still managed to see the best in Armitage. His editor had grown quite fond of her… as long as she agreed with him.

“Are you still coming tonight?” He’d invited Hux to the party tonight at Rey’s studio. None of his other friends had met Armitage, and it would be a good way to celebrate finishing his latest manuscript… plus… Rey was making him.

“Yes, but I think you’ve given me an incorrect address-”

“There’s no mistake, Hux. Trust me… the location is shitty, but the actual studio looks amazing. Some of Rey’s latest sculptures will be on display. You might want to purchase one for the office.” Ben threw Hux the stress ball, watching the ginger catch it awkwardly against his chest. His eyes scanned over the cold décor. Hux seemed almost as fond of black as Ben was. Everything was spotless and well organized, chrome and silver so clean and polished it looked as if the office was never used. “This place could definitely use a makeover.”

“Oh fuck off,” grumbled Hux.

Ben chuckled, standing up from his chair, and shoving his hands into his pockets. There was something especially satisfying about insulting Hux. He always turned a bright shade of red to match his hair. “Don’t be rude to the talent… it’s bad business.”

Armitage squeezed the stress ball hard, glaring up at Solo. “Care for another trip to the roof, my friend? I know how much you like it up there.”

Ben was already walking towards the exit as he flashed Hux his middle finger through the glass and kept walking. Phasma was at her desk with a smirk that rivaled her boss’s. “Don’t even start,” he added, pointing at her before she could say a word.

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,” she said, feigning innocence. He knew for a fact she’d been the one to tell Hux about being trapped on the roof with Rey months ago. He would not forget, and he would certainly not forgive this betrayal.

“Don’t be late tonight!” he told her, heading towards the elevator.

“I’m never late,” Phasma replied with a proud smirk.

*******

As far as Ben Solo was concerned, Rey wasn’t just an artist… she created life. Each sculpture carried a unique soul within it, and when he looked into their cold, metal eyes he could swear they were staring right back. Some were nothing more than abstract shapes and different textures of metal. Others were shaped into animals or people, trapped in poses that conveyed a sense of movement. He’d spent much of the party admiring her latest works, it was the first time he’d had the opportunity to really see them up close.

Poe’s family had done a good job fixing the place up. What once had been nothing more than a shell was finally given character. The ceiling was still just steel frames and exposed pipelines for easy access and maintenance. Long metal lines dropped down the lights giving it a unique industrial design. The floor was concrete made to shine, and the walls were painted a pale grey. It looked like the inside of a Chipotle restaurant, in fact he suspected that was the inspiration. They’d even made tables for the food and drinks using plywood. Once the party was over all Rey’s designs for her workspace would be finished and she’d finally be able to use the space for future sculptures. 

Most of the people filling Rey’s studio were unknown to him. They were Finn’s acting buddies, or people that worked at Rose’s hospital. A few were art enthusiasts who’d bought some of Rey’s sculptures in the past. People mingled easily, their flutes filled with champagne. The music was just loud enough to be heard, but soft enough not to inhibit socialization. Some were in groups while others found a private corner where their conversations might not be overheard. It was nothing like the parties his mother used to throw, but somehow this evening was already giving him traumatic flashbacks.

He remained alone, feeling painfully isolated, but it was easier to observe the party from a safe distance. Ben felt like he was in limbo, simultaneously in desperate need of company, and yet absolutely terrified of someone noticing his presence. He continued to move along the edge of the crowd, taking notice of the sculptures Rey had put on display to be sold. Already, a few had made offers. He’d barely seen his girlfriend since the party began.

It wasn’t until much later in the evening that his eyes settled on something hidden off to the side and away from where most of the guests had gathered. It was an unfinished work… not for sale. The metal was rough, jagged on the edges, and rusted a brownish red. The sculpture was different from all the others. It was dirty and gritty… dark. His chest tightened as he realized it was two bodies reaching out towards each other, but only their hands were touching. The faces lacked detail, but he could almost feel their anguish… caused by the distance between them. 

Rey had already given it a name. _‘Destinies Intertwined.’_

Ben’s smile was soft as he leaned in to get a closer look. This felt more true to Rey’s heart and mind than anything else he’d seen. Despite the pain he felt watching them struggle simply to touch, there was so much hope infused in their body language… as if they knew not to give up… knew to keep holding on. Their time would come, and they would be in each other’s arms. It was beautiful. It was heart-wrenching. It was _so_ Rey….

“Why am I not surprised? A room full of people to talk to, and Ben Solo’s spending his time with inanimate objects.”

Ben rolled his eyes, turning towards the voice behind him. Rose was wearing a beautiful red dress that accentuated large breasts and an hourglass figure that most people never noticed. She was absolutely stunning. “Can you blame me? Their discussions are much more intellectually stimulating.”

Rose snorted into her champagne glass as she took a sip. “How would you know? You never talk to people long enough to compare.”

“I talk to you,” he pointed out, smugly. “I’m doing it right now.”

Her glare made his skin itch. He still wasn’t sure how someone so tiny could be intimidating, but Rose managed it quite well. “I don’t count.”

“Don’t sell yourself short! Of course you do.”

Tico finished the rest of her glass and laughed, elbowing him. “Come along _Mr. Antisocial_ … I want you to meet someone.”

Ben groaned in protest even as she gripped his arm, dragging him away from the safe little corner he’d been hiding in. He almost resisted when he found himself surrounded by people, someone’s back was pressed against his side, and he visibly cringed. Was she trying to trigger a panic attack? This was exactly why he didn’t go to parties or clubs. 

“Holy shit, it’s you!”

A man nearly as tall as Solo appeared out of nowhere. His hair was curly and blond, with glasses that were horribly dated, but his angular features felt familiar… and he seemed to be wearing orange scrubs. “Uh… yeah, it’s me,” he responded, glancing down at Rose for a proper introduction.

“Ben… this is Matt. Matt… Ben Solo.”

Matt extended his hand, but Ben refused to take it. There were enough people touching him as it was. Eventually, he’d get the picture. “I know I must look a mess! I just got off a really long shift, and Rose told me you’d be here! I’m such a huge fan of your books… Kylo Ren is my idol! Fuck… that probably sounds weird! Sorry, I’m just really nervous! It’s not every day you meet a celebrity.”

Ben quirked an eyebrow. _Celebrity_? Was this guy serious? He was a fucking author… not a Hollywood leading man. When he looked back at Rose, she was blushing almost as red as her dress, which peaked Ben’s interest immediately. He’d never actually seen her look embarrassed before. And why the hell did she want him to meet this guy anyway? Why the fuck did this Matt guy even matter? “So… Matt… I’m guessing you work with Rose?”

Matt nodded, shoving his glasses back up the bridge of his nose; his eyes were wide… as if he couldn’t quite believe where he was. “Rose and I are… well, we’ve become good friends over the last few months. I only started working at her hospital about six months ago, but she was the first to really make me feel comfortable there.”

_Good friends?_ Ben’s smile turned wicked as he caught Rose’s gaze, watching her look up at Matt with pleading eyes… as if begging him to behave. For a moment he wondered how the hell she’d found time to make friends when all she did was work, but then it occurred to him that perhaps she’d used the ‘extra shifts’ as a cover for spending time with Matt. “And are you a Doctor, like Rose?” he asked. He wondered what the rules were about co-workers dating. Did anyone at the hospital know about them? Did Rey know? Or Finn?

Matt shook his head. “No… no, I’m just an X-Ray Technician.”

“I see… well… Matt the X-Ray Technician… it’s always a pleasure to meet another friend of Rose’s.”

“I-It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Mr. Solo! Rose tells me you’re almost finished with your latest book. I can’t wait to read it. I have the whole series. Kylo… really speaks to me, you know? He’s such a dynamic character.”

Rose Tico had funny taste in men, but at least they were mostly harmless. It was always awkward when fans gushed over his books. Thankfully, Finn did it less and less the more they’d gotten to know each other. Of course he was relieved to learn so many people felt a connection to his characters, but it was also strangely humbling. He felt like he didn’t deserve such praise. When he tried to read his own shit he felt like such a fucking hack. Yet somehow… he still managed to be offended and his pride brutally wounded when critics bashed his work. Life as a writer was odd that way.

Ben must have looked uncomfortable, because Rose turned to Matt and asked him to get her another drink. She handed him the empty glass and he immediately dashed deeper into the crowd. He was too tall to truly be missed. “Go ahead and say it,” she sighed the moment he was far enough away.

“He’s… nice.”

“You think he’s an idiot.”

Ben shrugged. “I think everyone’s an idiot. At least he seems like a nice idiot. How long has this been going on?”

Rose pulled up the strap of her dress, refusing to meet his eyes. “A few months. I didn’t really know what it was at first, but then we got a coffee one day and… he’s intense… a bit goofy. He has quite a temper… like you. Matt’s so different from the guys I usually talk to. He’s nothing like Finn-”

“Maybe that’s exactly what you need,” Solo offered. Rey wasn’t the only one who still managed to believe in love and romance despite bad experiences. Rose was just as hopeless, no wonder they were such close friends. She’d picked up the pieces of her broken heart after Finn and moved on with a quiet strength that Ben had to admire.

Tico’s smile brightened the room as she looked up to see Matt stumbling through the crowd towards them, spilling her drink all over unsuspecting guests. Both of them were suppressing a chuckle as they watched. “Yeah… maybe.” 

Matt handed Rose her glass, looking especially frustrated. “Sorry… it was a challenge getting through that crowd.”

Ben nodded, scanning their guests with a critical eye. It wasn’t a fucking dance floor, but for some reason no one seemed consider spreading out. Just standing along the edge was making him feel claustrophobic and overheated. “More people showed up to this party than I was expecting. It seems like Finn invited every actor or actress he’s ever worked with.”

“Which reminds me… have you seen him or Poe around?” asked Rose.

Ben shook his head. “I haven’t been brave enough to go looking,” he confessed.

Rose frowned. “I saw them when I first arrived, but they disappeared. I haven’t seen them for a while. Think that’s a good sign?”

“Perhaps…” Ben shrugged, less than convinced. He turned to look at Matt, forcing himself to extend his hand this time. They’d probably be seeing each other again if Rose was dating this guy. He might as well practice being civil. “It was a pleasure to meet you… Matt the X-Ray Technician.”

Matt shook his hand enthusiastically, which didn’t matter much since his next stop would be a restroom. He’d had two bottles of water earlier in the evening and now he was paying for it. He was in desperate need of a toilet, and keen to leave this crowd before an attack could set in. 

“It was a pleasure to meet you too, Ben Solo! A real pleasure!”

Ben nodded, before pulling his hand away from Matt’s clammy grip, resisting the urge to wipe his palm on his trousers. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Let me know if you find Finn or Poe!” Rose spoke over the crowd.

He waved at them both, sighing in relief the moment he’d escaped the sea of bodies. The restroom was towards the back of the studio and to the right. That was his first stop. Ben shoved both hands in his pockets and kept to the shadows, but it wasn’t enough to keep him from notice, it seemed. Not when Lor _fucking_ San Tekka and Amilyn Holdo stepped into his path, having kept their distance too. 

“Such a pleasant party, Ben! I can’t quite believe you had anything to do with it!” Tekka began.

“I didn’t… not really.” Ben glanced longingly over their shoulders towards the bathroom that would be his salvation… even if just for a minute or two.

“Lor’s been telling me all about your girlfriend, Ben. I can’t wait to meet her,” added Holdo. “London wasn’t exactly on the way home, but I couldn’t resist. Ever since you called me I’ve thought of nothing else.”

“You never mentioned taking Rey to Amilyn’s beach house, my boy. No wonder you were such a mess when I picked you up from the airport!” Lor was wearing a black turtleneck and tan trousers. His loafers looked a bit worn, but nicely polished. Holdo was looking absolutely gorgeous in purple. The dress matched her hair color (always the rebel), with the back exposed, and a plunging neckline that made him a little nervous about looking down. They were both holding glasses of red wine, recently filled… Ben suspected. “Where is she by the way? We haven’t seen her since we arrived.”

“She’s around here somewhere.” He’d not seen Rey, Finn, or Poe since the party began, and it was starting to make him tense. Rey had promised to check on him, but the party had been going on for hours and he’d yet to see the back of her fucking head. Finn was probably off with Poe somewhere… which he hoped meant progress in their weird little dance around each other. He sure as hell didn’t want to spend the party enduring shit from Lor, although he wouldn’t mind Amilyn’s company. “She’s been really busy talking to guests.”

“Yes well… one of you has to be the socialite in this relationship,” Lor insisted with a sip of his wine. “And where are you off to in such a hurry?”

“To take a piss,” he responded, enjoying the way Lor huffed. “May I?”

“Go on, dear! We’d hate to see you ruin perfectly good pants,” teased Holdo with a wink.

“Although it would be a wonderful story to tell at parties,” added Lor.

“And on that note…” he mumbled with a roll his eyes. Ben quickly brushed past the old bastard, and continued on his way. Unfortunately, he didn’t make it very far. His hand was reaching for the doorknob when he heard Hux calling his name. _Fuck_. Why was he Mr. Popular all of the sudden? His bladder wouldn’t be able to endure this very long. “What?!”

Hux’s hands rose, one holding a plastic cup filled with rum and coke. “Easy… drink some champagne… you look so fucking tense.”

“Of course I’m tense… I’m standing in front of a bathroom door and you stopped me!” he snapped grumpily.

Hux scoffed. “Have you given any more thought to what we discussed earlier in my office?”

Of course he’d want to talk business while Ben’s bladder was ready to explode. “I’ll have an answer by the end of this week, but in the meantime… fuck off. I’m dying here,” he growled.

His editor glared at him. “Careful Ben, don’t let that temper get the best of you. I hear you’ve been doing so well.”

Solo met his gaze, leaning forward. If it were possible, he’d fling Hux across the fucking room with the wave of his hand, but since he wasn’t some mythical wizard with magic powers… he’d have to settle for a distraction. “There is literally a party full of actors, and I’m willing to bet at least half of them are gay or bisexual.”

That seemed to peak Hux’s interest. “Fine… I’ll drop this for now, but I can assure you… this isn’t over.” Ben knew the man’s weaknesses far too well. Armitage Hux was such a fucking whore.

He watched his editor walk off in search of prey, shaking his head before he turned back to the bathroom door. Thank god it was unlocked. With a relieved sigh, Ben swung it open just enough… to get an eyeful of Poe Dameron sucking down Finn’s thick cock. “HOLY SHIT!”

Poe pulled off of Finn immediately, his eyes wide as he turned around. Finn was still gripping the back of his head, jaw hung open, and looking horribly panicked. “Ben!” he shouted just as Ben slammed the door closed again. 

“Fuck it… I’ll just take a piss against a wall outside,” he roared, desperately trying to get the image of Finn’s spit-soaked cock out of his head. “At least now we know Poe definitely likes cock,” he muttered, rushing towards the exit and into the darkness outside. “Mystery _fucking_ solved! Lucky me!”

*******

When he’d finally reached his limit, Ben knew it was time to take drastic measures. He’d seen enough blueprints of Rey’s studio to find the perfect place to hide. It was too large to be a closet, but the room was small enough to be used for storage. An old metal shelf sat to his left with paint and cleaning supplies. To his right was a large desk. Ben wasn’t sure how they’d managed to get it inside the storage room’s narrow door, but it was pushed up against the wall, and there wasn’t much room for anything else.

He’d made himself comfortable on the sturdy metal desk, letting the back of his legs bang against it as they swung. He’d been playing _Angry Birds_ for nearly an hour; an appropriate game considering how badly he wanted to wreak shit after the night he’d been having.

He hadn’t seen or talked to Rey since the party began. Finn was off somewhere getting fucked by that bastard Poe Dameron. Rose was dating some dweeb that’s biggest idol was a mentally disturbed anti-hero. Not to mention the fact that Hux was pressuring him to sign some contract that would turn his stories into a major motion picture. He’d always thought moving away from his family would solve most of his problems. Instead, life had just discovered new ways to drive him nuts. 

Ben was so lost in his game that he didn’t notice the door opening until it was too late. Rey’s head peaked through, spotting him immediately. “I thought I might find you here eventually.”

“You know me so well,” he teased, shutting off his phone which was now at one percent charge. _Fuck_.

Rey squeezed inside, shutting the door behind her. Her dress was sexy as hell, shimmering grey and hugging her curves. The V-shaped neckline was just low enough to be tantalizing, and she was wearing a silver necklace he’d bought her for her birthday two weeks ago. He was especially proud that the dress was sleeveless, exposing the world to the scars on her arms. It was a significant step, and he felt extremely proud of her for making it.

She hopped onto the desk beside him and dropped her head onto his shoulder. Her right hand linked her fingers with his left, and she let out a content sigh. “You okay?”

“Yeah… you?”

“Feeling much better,” she told him. He watched her thumb caress his skin affectionately. “I feel like I haven’t seen you all day.”

Ben turned his head to kiss her forehead. Her presence was already settling his mind. With his woes temporarily forgotten, he finally felt like he could breathe. “Amilyn Holdo wants to meet you.”

“We’ll invite her out to dinner so I can get to know her properly. I want to thank her for allowing us to stay at her home.”

“She flies out Monday. We’ll have to make plans for tomorrow.”

“Okay.”

Silence settled between them, comfortable and soothing. His mind drifted back to the unfinished sculpture he’d admired earlier. When he looked at their hands he couldn’t help thinking about _Destinies Intertwined._ He wasn’t a believer of fate, but when he found himself in a sentimental mood he entertained the possibility. Meeting Rey felt like destiny. One of those strange moments that couldn’t be explained. The perfect girl. The perfect scenario. The perfect set up for a lasting romance.

“You know… now that the book’s being published… I believe you owe me five thousand dollars.”

Ben frowned. “You can’t be serious.”

“We had a deal!”

“You’re my girlfriend now!” he protested.

“That doesn’t mean I don’t still need to pay rent!”

He shook with laughter at her response, squeezing her hand. “Shit… you win. I’ll pay you first thing tomorrow for your services as my muse.”

“Excellent!” Rey lifted her head to give him a beaming smile before leaning forward to kiss his lips. Of course… one kiss turned into two… and two turned into three. Before either of them knew it, his tongue was down her throat, and her arms were wrapping around his neck with a needy moan.

If Poe could give Finn oral in a bathroom, surely he could fuck Rey in a storage room. The guests be damned. This party wasn’t really for them anyway. No one would miss them. Ben pulled her into his lap, palming at her breast through the silky dress. She wasn’t even wearing a bra. “I’ve missed you.”

Rey leaned in for another kiss, already unbuttoning his black dress shirt. “I missed you more.”

“Not possible.”

Rey nipped at his lip. “Why must you always start arguments when we’re about to have sex?” she complained, sliding off his lap to pull off her dress.

Ben swallowed hard as he realized she wasn’t wearing panties either. It’s almost as if she was anticipating this. He should have known. “The sex is always hotter when we argue.” 

He followed her off of the desk, pulling her into his arms for a bruising kiss. His hands palmed her ass, enjoying the way they fit into his hands. Rey wasn’t standing idle either. He could feel her unhook his belt, flicking open his trousers, and finally the telltale unzip before his pants dropped. “Sex is hot regardless of whether we argue.”

“I’m not going to settle for adequate when I could have extraordinary, Rey.”

He grunted as she shoved her hand in his boxers, stroking his half hard erection while he continued to massage her ass cheeks. Ben bent down to kiss her jaw, tugging her closer against him so her breasts rubbed against the fabric of his half-unbuttoned shirt. He heard her gasp, her nipples hardening from the friction. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Ben slapped her ass, laughing when she jumped and hit his shoulder with her free hand. “I know what you like, Sweetheart.”

“Not that!” she barked, tugging on his cock even harder. He knew she was trying to seem threatening, but he fucking loved it when she got rough.

Without warning he lifted her and carefully spun them around despite his pants restricting his movement. They were still around his ankles, and he didn’t have the patience to remove them completely. He placed Rey back on the desk, feeling elastic of his boxers snap back against him as her hand left his cock. Ben tipped her back just enough to suck a nipple into his mouth, while his hand rubbed her clit teasingly. 

“Oh god,” Rey breathed, arching into him. “As much as I love it when you draw this out, Ben… we’re in a storage closet. Hurry up and fuck me already!”

“Shit Rey, you’re so fucking romantic!” Ben almost pointed out that part of the thrill was possibly getting caught, but then he remembered the look on Finn and Poe’s faces when he’d swung that bathroom door open. Perhaps it _was_ better to speed things up a bit.

He continued to rub at her clit, while his middle finger moved lower to slip inside her. He was amazed by how wet she was. No wonder she was so keen to move things along. Ben reached into his boxers and pulled out his cock, pressing the head against her entrance. He rubbed it up and down her pussy lips once or twice before finally pressing himself inside. Rey’s hands were on his hips, urging him along as she scooted down to give him more access. The moment he was halfway inside her, she dropped back, leaning against her elbows as she watched him fuck her slowly. He held onto the back of Rey’s knees, keeping them spread. Ben wanted her to see everything.

The last time he’d been hiding from a party with a girl, Ben was woefully unsure of himself and nervous as hell. Just a blushing virgin with a crush who didn’t really give a shit about him. That foolish kid was long gone now, replaced with someone even more foolish, albeit far better off. The woman underneath him was the love of his life, far more deserving of his trust and affection. This wasn’t just sex. Ben could see it in Rey’s eyes… as if she were fucking _proud_ to have his cock inside her. Those beautiful eyes dark with lust, but also softened by a devotion he still wasn’t sure he deserved.

Her body moved against him as he picked up speed, thrusting hard enough to make Rey whimper and moan. There was something hypnotic about watching her beasts bounce as he pounded into her. He caught her gaze and smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” she breathed. No hesitation or doubt. It was almost as if she’d received a vision… as if she already knew their future… solid and clear. Whatever she saw… he wanted it. He wanted all of it. Her dreams were his dreams. He wouldn’t rest until she had everything.

Rey’s head fell back as internal muscles fluttered around his cock. His hips stalled as he buried himself deep inside her, pumping cum till it spilled out around his cock and leaked onto the table. He leaned forward, kissing her lips, and then peppering kisses down her flushed body. After a few more sharp thrusts he pulled out, watching more cum spill out of her. He’d made a fucking mess of her tight little pussy.

When he finally let go of her legs, they dropped limply off the edge of the desk. Rey looked horribly uncomfortable with her head bent to the side and pressed into the wall. She was trying to catch her breath as he shoved himself back into his boxers. The front was stained with drops of their cum. “You’re right… it is hotter if we argue.”

“Told you.” Ben reached down to pull up his pants, shoving his shirt in as he buckled his black, leather belt. “This is a storage room… there must be something I can use to clean you up.” 

He turned to his left, remembering the metal shelf. There were a few cleaning supplies including an unopened paper towel. He reached for it immediately, ripping open the flimsy plastic, and tearing off a piece to clean her up. Perhaps if they were in his bed he’d just clean her with his tongue, but they’d already pushed their luck as it was. Getting caught eating Rey out once was more than enough.

Rey bit her lip as he cleaned her of their fluids, using another square to wipe down the table underneath her. He wrapped the plastic around the used paper towels and threw them down on a lower shelf before returning to Rey and kissing her stomach. Her fingers ran through his hair as they often did. There was something comforting about the gesture, a demonstration of her affection for him.

“You should get dressed.” 

Rey hummed her agreement, and slowly sat up, while he straightened and backed away. Her dress was by the door, and he reached down to retrieve it for her. By the time he’d turned back to Rey, her arms were up, an expectant look in her eyes. He snorted, but helped her put the dress back on, enjoying any opportunity in which he could caress her smooth skin. “Feel like being my handsome shadow for the rest of this party?”

“Only if that means I get to walk behind you and stare at your ass,” he teased.

Rey rolled her eyes, but the smile on her lips never left. He watched her hop off the desk and walk over to the door. “I almost miss the days when you behaved less like a perv.” 

Ben laughed as she reached for the doorknob, collecting her hair and moving it to the side so he had easy access to the back of her neck. He kept his kisses light and teasing, enjoying the way she shivered as she moved to open the door.

“Uh… Ben?”

“Hmmm?” He loved the taste of her. He opened his mouth wider to taste her skip, sucking gently with the intent to leave a mark.

“Ben!”

He immediately moved away. “Okay! Okay! I’ll behave!”

“No… no… not that! We have another problem.”

“Huh?”

Rey groaned, slowly turning herself around to face him and holding out what appeared to be a broken doorknob. The doorknob to the room they were in. A doorknob that they needed in order to _leave_ the room they were in. It just fucking figured. “Now Ben, please don’t get upset-”

Too late. “SON OF A BITCH!”

**To Be Continued**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be a short epilogue, nothing special. I'll try not to take a billion years to finish this story. lol


	32. Epilogue

**One Year Later**

There was always some sadness in ending a story, but this felt different, this time it actually hurt. Kylo Ren wasn’t just a fictional character. He was something seared into Ben’s soul. He carried Ben’s pain… his hopes and dreams. His tale of woe came straight from the heart… telling all the truths Ben could never face.

He’d decided to hold off from letting Hollywood have his story. Maybe he’d allow it once the book series was finally done, but that was a horrifying thought, especially when Finn couldn’t stop hounding him about playing his own character. Ben never actually thought he would get to this place. 

This was the scary part, the part that he’d been dreading since the day he decided to stop. Who would Ben be without Kylo Ren? What would he become now that it was over?

Ben Solo stared at the last chapter of this last book late into the night. Indecision and anxiety seeping in with every minute that ticked by. This was the end of his tale… the end of Kylo’s journey, but in some ways it wasn’t. There was so much left unsaid, so much to imagine and never write down. Some secrets weren’t meant to be shared, and other secrets should be left for the reader to create. Was it enough? Was it perfect? Had he ended it right?

Maybe just one last read through? There had to be something he’d forgot.

Perhaps he’d done his part. Maybe he’d truly finished the job. Yet part of him didn’t want to let go, wasn’t sure if he even knew how. At least Kylo Ren had found his peace… and Kira Rey had certainly found hers. Life wasn’t always fair, but this was fantasy. Just a work of fiction. It could be whatever Ben wanted it to be. Nothing was more powerful than wielding the pen… or a keyboard in this case.

There was nothing more to be said. He just needed to say ‘goodbye.’

Soft hands roamed over his shoulders and down his chest, startling him for a moment before he realized it was Rey. Ben closed his eyes and leaned into her as her lips pressed against his cheek. Her embrace was a comfort as he mourned this heavy loss. “How does it all end?” she whispered, her breath against his ear… it made him shiver.

Ben reached for the top of his laptop and closed it with a _click_. “The same way we end.”

She stilled for a moment, and he could sense her hesitation. “And how do we end?” Rey asked him. It seemed the temptation won out; she’d always been curious by nature. His lips curled into a tired smile.

“With something stranger than fiction.”

Rey huffed at his answer, clearly not satisfied. “And what could be stranger than fiction?”

“Romance,” he answered. “A lasting one anyway.”

Her arms tightened around him. “You’re right… that is a bit strange.”

“I’ve always thought so.”

“Good ending though.”

“Hmmmm.” Ben turned in her arms, swiveling his chair around to admire the woman he loved. Her hair was all frizzy and wild from their bed. There were dark circles under her eyes, because she rarely slept well without him. He leaned in for a gentle kiss which lasted longer than he’d intended. With a sigh, Ben’s hands drifted down her body. She was wearing his shirt (always sexy), a diamond ring on her left hand (he was especially proud of that), and literally nothing else ( _fuck yes._ ) Oh yeah, it was definitely time for bed. With one last kiss he pulled her into his arms and stood up, walking them both back to the bedroom; Rey’s laughter forever sweet and golden. Just like fucking honey. “Well… I guess it’s not total shit….”

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so it ends! I hope you guys enjoyed it! Thank you so much for the comments and the support! I really appreciated it... some of you guys made me cry with your kind words! <3


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